Thankful Thursday (yes i realize how shallow i seem)

i am thankful for these things...

cause you can hide anything you want to in here


i love it so much when i get up to tinkle i check for the red blinking light first (even if i am standing there doing the pee-pee dance i have to go so bad)


this one i probaly shouldn't advertise online, but what's a birthday without the bottle?



how else would i get my daily caylee update?


or shake my head in amazement that i found someone with more drama than me


but i'm still thankful for all the hours of enjoyment...

i am VERY thankful for

cause they make me feel like someone is listening (in a world where it feels like noone else does)

and of course, gotta remember to say thanks (i think) for this motley crue




lots more i am thankful for.. but i have to get back to work now or risk having to be thankful for unemployment benefits.

Say what?!?! Wednesday

I saw a cute post the other day about a mommy's little girl and all the cute things she says so i decided to make that my today's post. hence, "Say what?!? Wednesday"

Last night i saw my two year old sneaking off to his favorite spot under the kitchen table, so i made a mad dash, screaming "No Isaiah, you have to go poo-poo in the potty" but I was not fast enough. i don't know how he does it so fast in his diaper cause when i make him sit on the potty he sits there FORRR-EVERRRR! So the funny part is after he was in his cough medicene induced sleep i went to check on him. He opened one sleepy eye and simply said "No pabby mommy"

What do kids have against the potty?

Emory, my middle and most challenging child (I describe her as prison or president and that could not be more accurate) was in the car yesterday and says to her 11 year old sister "Stop arguing with me you are being cartastic" and then she looks at me and says "cartastic is when you are being silly"

thus the new definition of SARCASTIC has been expained to me via my 6 yr old. She should know too, as sarcasm runs bountiful in our house.

Another Emory story revolves around the phone, her biological father, and me almost peeing my pants. Have you ever been corrected in a innocent and matter of fact way that you just can't help but laugh, and your child is completely bewildered because they were just telling you the truth.
We were in the car and Emory's dad called. She sat there describing her day and that she had gotten her card changed. She said "Taylor got me in trouble today and that is why I got my card changed" so I said under my breath (and vary cartastically) "Like you never do anything to get yourself in trouble" so she rolls her eyes, pulls the phone away from her ear and tells me "Oh yes I do, just this time it was not my trouble we got in"

At least she is honest huh!

Here are some words (and there translations) that have come out of the mouths of my babes

candy can (candy cane)

cretzels (pretzels)

hoohee (goofy)

meme (Minnie)

I would tell you what my 11 yr old used to call her FISHY (think female parts) when she was two, but it is not christian of me so i will let you figure that one out. Try explaining that one folks.

boops (elbows)


I will now have to go dig out the baby books where i write this all down, i know i have some more funny ones i just have too many kids to remember off the top of my head.

Tuesday for Tuesday and a day full of Kaileigh's

I have a special place in my heart for kids. Not just my own (and I love them with most of what I have inside me) but ALL kids. I read their stories, my tears drop on the pictures of their angelic faces and I fall in love with them. Wishing I could hug them and comfort them and fix them. But I can't.

I can however tell their story. I can show you their picture, direct you to their blogs or websites so you can leave a comment, and I can ask you to take a second and say a prayer. And then in turn you can do the same.

So today, like most of the Tuesdays recently gone by, I stop and take a second to remember Tuesday. I think of her precious family and the pain they must be feeling and I am in awe of the smiles and love and peace you hear in their words. If Tuesday reminds me of anything it is of a heart. and the love that came from her life.




I also want to remember Kaylee Anthony on this day that her family is remembering her for all the world to see. That can't be easy to do (not that it is easy in private but to be scrutinized and judged as they have been, has to make it harder) As sick as my husband is of hearing Nancy Grace's voice I will still watch. Not for my NEED to hear the gossip on the case, but out of my NEED to hear the justice for that innocent little girl who probaly had no clue of what was happening to her. I pray for acceptance and peace in the family of her killer. The very same family who is mourning her today. How heartbreaking to know that family is one and the same.


I also want to turn your attention to another Kayleigh. a little baby born three months early weighing only 1 pound 1 ounce. She is a very tough little girl with a strong will to live. Visit here to read her story.


I am gonna end my post with a Kaileigh of my own. My 11 yr old never ceases to amaze me. She truly saved me from myself and for a time it was me and her against the world. I can't believe what a gorgous, compassionate, artistic and caring young woman she is turning into (maybe there is hope for the middle one after all- keep your fingers crossed) back to Kaileigh, i am so proud of my first born and forever my baby "Baby"

Friend Makin Mondays (yes, I am the dork that did it twice)

So I have never procalimed to be a wiz at all things internet. In fact, i am quite the electronically challenged. Kasey over at All That is Good has a fun post i thought i would join in on. i have accepted the challenge and here is my task:

1.) My favorite book is: "Me and Emma" by Elizabeth Flock, Maya Angelou, "And All Our Wounds are Healed" by Julius Lester, The Little Book of Letting Go" by Hugh Prather and as cliche as it sounds The Bible (Sorry, I don't have just one of anything)


2.) I drive a: Ford Escape


3.) My Favorite type of food is: anything with sour cream, and cheese


4.) My Favorite dessert is: cheesecake with chocholate on it yummmmmm....


5.) My Favorite movie is: yes, I am a dork. I LOVE "Singing in the Rain"


6.) When I Go to Starbucks I get: a tall white chocolate mocha (okay, so i admit, i am the girl that likes to buy the coffee that tastes more like hot chocolate but i feel grown up with the cup and the coffee sleeve) yummy....


7.) My Favorite Veggie is: broccoli....with cheese (or asparagus...with cheese) wait, is chesse a veggie cause i can just go with that one.


8.) My Favorite Thing to Wear is: flannel men's pj pants are great, but i really feel strong, confident, and grown up in a nice pair of slacks and cute shirt.


9.) My Favorite Color is: with out a doubt purple


10.) I Decorate My house In This Way: I would say chabby chic, or Tuscan comfortable (i think i just made up a new "Style") bold sexy colors, kid friendly and lived in cozy.

okay, so this DOES not describe the room I just said my house looks like...but it's so cute i just want to pretend

11.) Right Now I am Reading: "Letters to My Daughter" by Maya Angelou (thanks Syard)


12.) If I Could Vacation Anywhere it would be: Without a doubt, Malta


So there you have it...a little more of me.

out of the mouths of babes

my son is a prince. he truly is my prince. but now, i can confirm that I am HIS princess.....



as we were sitting in my bed reading books this afternoon, we went through the routine of him getting his "Where is Mickey Mouse" book (which I can finally without guilt say I HATE MICKEY MOUSE) my son however, does not.


so we go through the "Where is Mickey Mouse" book and he says all the names of the characters and i have to say it back. If i don't then he will say it over and over and over (think Finding Nemo and the seagulls)

First there is "don duck"


and "Hoo Hee"


He loves him some "Meemee"


"daisy" comes out clear as a bell



While Mickey Mouse sounds more like "MO MO"


The book has several Disney favorites in it like Snow white, and Aladdin, Simba, Mowgli and then he comes to one and he screams "MOMMA" and points to a picture screaming my name. I swear my heart was so full when I looked down and this is what he saw




so there you have it, my prince thinks I am his princess!!! Future girlfriends and wife beware!!!

just dance...emory style

She is obsessed I tell you, with her ipod (translation; cheap mp3 player from Wal-mart) and even more obsessed with herself. So she begged me to "do a webcast" as she calls it, so here it is Emory's webcast. and as usual she wants me to let you know "no autographs please, I'm spending time with my family"

i got a spoon, i got a spoon, i got a spoon hey hey hey

So um....I got sent home sick from work and I was really broken up over the thought of getting to organize winter ball tickets from my couch and in my pj's. Added to that excitement was the thrilling rush that came when i checked the mail and found.......MY FAVORITE THINGS SWAP PACKAGE came today.

Yippeeeeee! So even though I really had to go potty and my pantyhose were itching and my milk and groceries were still in the car, I leaped up my ice covered steps (in boots with heels so it is impressive that i did not fall)and plopped on my couch to rip open the package. Inside were so many fun goodies. A postcard from TEXAS, some soft lips chapstick (can't get enough of that), lots of scrapbook stuff, some handy mesh mommy bags (i will use to tame my kids stuff taking over my car),a how to live green book for dummies (such a nice thought, i might actually try some of the ideas in the book), a nifty crust cutter for sandwhiches (sp?) (Emory will LOVE that),this beautiful scarf (that I will have to fight Kaileigh for),Candy such as rock candy and choc covered peanuts and gummy worms (i am eating that all right now and i am NOT sharing with my kids) but i will let Isaiah have the gum i got (cause we are potty training and that is the one thing he never gets so we are using it as the ultimate prize),

yes, i got a good partner JENNY. She made my day. I sent her package on the same day so she should get it today as well. but wait,,,,i am not done. after i sifted through all this fun stuff something silver and shiny caught my eye.....

SHE GOT ME A SPOON!!!!! You know, the small ones that most people see and say "who collects those how lame" well, now you can say "Wendy does".




I love them and I have with this last spoon filled my spoon holder. Which means I must scour ebay for another holder cause they don't sell them ANYWHERE!

oh the joyous day today has turned into.

Thank you Jenny for this, I hope you enjoy your fun things as well, I don't want to give it away if you have not recieved it yet but i think you will find several of the things amusing as it seems we have some of the same interests :)

I do this every birthday.....

Dear Maureen,

It is that time again. It's late and I can't help but lie in bed and wonder if you are thinking of me. I can't help but think of you, and wondering where you are and what you are doing? Are you talking to neices and nephews on the phone, neices and nephews i don't know i have. Does my brother or sister get on the phone when the little voices have grown weary of talking to grandma and tell you that yes, they will be there on Sunday for dinner like ususal. Did you finish up the dishes, fold the worn afghan that hangs over the back of the easy chair and put the dogs in the kennel for the night? Did you put on your old flannel robe covering your flowered nightgown cause it gets cold in your house at night. Are you kissing my step-father goodnight and laying your head on your pillow. Did you take even a second to remember the daughter you gave away 31 years ago today?
I know that it is not you, but the idea of you that I am so infatuated with. Not to hurt your feelings, but I do have a mom. I have never been so lacking for a mother figure, so it is hard to explain the why. I think it is the need to find where I came from. To see that two lives came met and for some reason and I came out of that meeting. To look at someone and see my eyes in them, to have that ah-ha that is where my long skinny fingers and love of music came from. I have almost given up finding you so the thought of finding my birth father is not one I have EVER entertained. Most of the time I push that thought of where you are out of my mind because I don't want to deal with WHY i need to find you so badly.But sometimes, like today, on my birthday, I can't help but wonder where you are...and are you wondering where i am?

With many questions left until next time,

Wendy.... but you may remember me as the name you gave me....Stephanie

Started to do not me Monday but that one got scrapped...just call this post "Why I like my husband"

Today I did NOT turn 31. Okay, so maybe I did turn 31 today, I am suprisingly okay with it (I think turning 30 was such a horrendous thought to me that from now in it's all downhill from here) I was shocked though when I opened the card from my husband. I really should not tell you what it says because when I complain about him you won't take my side anymore. But okay, I guess I will tell you

Once there was this guy.
A nice guy, really.
And he met this girl.
An incredible girl-truly amazing.
So naturally the guy falls
head over heels in love with her,
and pretty soon their picking out
china patterns and rings
and there's a wedding
and the starry eyed couple
rides off into what will surely
be a rosy future....

Okay, so now some time has passed
and the guy is living in that future.
He's still married to that girl,
but now that life includes alot of stuff-
appliances, and bills, and loads of laundry
and home repair projects.
But between the to do's and have to's
there are these moments
when the guy stops for a minute
and looks around him.

He looks at his wife
who is still truly amazing
he looks at their life together,
all the ways
and different direcions it has grown,
he looks at all the responsibilities he's got,
and he thinks to himself,
so, this is my life.

And then he thinks to himself,
I am one helluva lucky guy.

...man, he's good!

i wish is wasnt so.....

I wish it wasn't so...I can barely type through my tears but I went to visit Go Blog Yourself in her own words she posted at 8:06pm just a few chilling words

TUESDAY FIONA WITT
OCTOBER 11, 2006-JANUARY 30,2009p














>why does this happen???? please stop and pray for this family and the unimaginable pain they have to be going through. I can't articulate how I feel but this is not about me so I won't try.......I will just say that we need to go to her site and regardless of how many people have left comments leave one and let her know we are here....just thinking about them, and loving Tuesday.........

tuesday

I made my daily trek over to GO BLOG YOURSELF
and Jessica feels like this is the end for Tuesday. Once again I can't help but feel so much sadness. I don't know why children have to die or be sick. I know it is not up to me to figure it all out, because there is a plan in place, but the pain is just so intense.
If you have not gone to visit her mommy's blog and read Tuesday's story you should. and then say a prayer for her little body that is fighting so hard to survive, and her family that is fighting to hold on.


"Our Hope Endures" ~Natalie Grant
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Finally Friday...and my kids better be going to school Monday

My husband is a much better sport than I am...


Those were clean clothes until my children mistook them for a pile of leaves...


In my house even the pets get abused...


Two peas in a pod......

a fun giveaway, snow days, and Tuesday needs your prayers

So I could not get the link to work for some reason so I am gonna try this again. I went today and bought a few things for my partner in the Favorite Things Swap. I found the cute idea over at IT MIGHT BE CRAZY BUT WE CALL IT LIFE

I had to get out of the house after being snowed in for 3 1/2 days. I did get some funny videos of Emory being Emory so I will post that soon. I need to get back in the swing of blogging. I swear, one mental breakdown just really wipes you out.:)

Gotta go, my episode of General Hospital is on. I DVR all my shows so I can fast forward through the commercials or scenes with Sonny and Kate in them (BLAGHHH)




...so i am back.
i will admit i have been lazy in my blog reading and it is taking me awhile to catch up on all i have not read. but this one stopped me in mid-thought.i decided to get up to date on a blog i follow Go Blog Yourself. every tuesday i stop and pray for tuesday, an adorable little girl with an extremely loving mommy named Jessica who shares Tuesday with us through her grace and faith and loving blog. I will tell it in her Jessica's own words from her blog.

My deepest fears were confirmed. Tomorrow we take our precious daughter home. Her cancer doubled in size in less than a week proving once and for all that it is horribly aggressive and no longer chemo sensitive. We have no idea how to do this but we have no doubt we will be cared for every step of the way. This is all I have in me. Please pray for peace for our children, our parents and our siblings. Tuesday, full of grace, you are our so very loved.

i dont know just how to process what that is supposed to mean. So i won't try. I will just stop and pray again, on Thursday...for tuesday.

Not me Monday...posted on Tuesday

Today I did NOT get to sleep in. That in iteself is monumental and worth it's own post. We knew yesterday that it was going to ice and snow and that school was closed early in the night. So we let the kids run around and stay up WAYYYYY too late thus they slept in out of sheer exhaustion. Yeah for me huh! So i took my much needed time off of work (and stuck with my family with no way for my husband or me to escape)Sometimes that is the cure for a undiagnosed illness.



Right now my husband is NOT cooking a meal that smells so good my mouth is watering. I can't help but think "man, how lucky am I"!! He enjoys being in the kitchen and I enjoy letting him be there. It really is one of the reasons that we balance each other out and I think we should work it out. Those things I don't like to do he does and so forth....

Today I did NOT let my children build the gingerbread house I bought and intended to do at Christmas time. Yes, I know it is January but better late than never huh. My saving grace was the thought that if they did not take away my parent card of the video I posted of my 6 yr old singing Britney Spears they won't mind if i put this off as well, will they???? Isn't it the thought that counts :)




Today I did NOT get my heart broken when I walked outside to see my twisty curvy expensive looking tree that is positioned right outside our front door, iced over and wilted to the point of no return. I shudder to think of how I am going to bring myself to spend the money to replace it...If you were to see the rest of my flower beds and how neglected they are you would know that while I do save "House and Home" articles with every intention of planting a beatiful garden sure to generate oohs and ahhs from my envious neighbors....those intentions never make it to reality. So we are the barren lawn on the block. The ones whose grass is too tall and lawn is not as green as the other ones due to lack of watering. We don't own a sprinkler and Scott's is not a brand name we own stock in. So to lose the one tree that was pleasing to look at is a big hit...but i will eat my porkchops and mashed potatos and be okay with that.....



For once I can say I have loved this snow day (as long as I can go back to work soon)

as always, take a second and say a prayer for Tuesday...today is her day and all...

Thank you Momma Young, you made my day!!!

I got the Sisterhood Award today!!! Yeah for me huh! It was a much needed boost to my morale and another reason why I love my blogging sisters! You guys really are great! Much love and thanks to Momma Young over at Momma Young at Home. Her blog is so sweet and she is such a rockin momma. Truly a kindred spirit.

Here is my award:




The rules for the Sisterhood Award:

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude(If you don't have 10, its ok.)
Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
Let them know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
Here are the some lovely bloggers that I feel have a great Attitude and/or Gratitude ( I am going to update this later and I will let everyone know in a bit who my picks are).

Favorite thing shop and swap

To find out what the favorite thing swap is, visit IT MIGHT SEEM CRAZY BUT WE CALL IT LIFE

today is a new day

I actually woke up feeling okay for the first time in the last couple of very emotionally draining days.It's a new day! I could actually get out of bed relatively easy. I didn't groan and try to steal a few more minutes and think to myself "I thought when people are unstable and emotionally fragile they get to be depressed, not shower, and stay in bed neglecting their kids and life for days at a time"

Even in my deression I have multiple to-do lists full of tasks that have to be completed. I think it's from my single mommy days. If I don't get it done, it won't get done and the world will end.

Last night husband stayed with me. At first I was a little leary. I just did not want to rehash all the same old arguments...and neither did he.

so we didn't. we did however talk, just a bit. about life and stress we have that the other one does not even know about, or acknowledge. I asked him if he felt like their is something to fix. If it is worth it and if it is even possible. Questions I really thought I knew the answer to. and he said "honestly sometimes I do think we can work it out"

I guess that is okay for now. I mean, do I really have to have it all worked out right this second. On the way to work I heard a song I love, by Casting Crowns called "Slow Fade" and it is so fitting.

"Slow Fade"

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

I really have to be smart and wise about this. That is one thing I am sure of. The rest has to just work itself out in it's time. Now, off to my day.

Psalm 61:2

"From the end of the earth will I call unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: Lead me to the rock that is higher than I," Psa. 61:2.

As I sit here typing, in my own living room, with me comfy bed waiting for me to climb into it, my husband is in the bedroom watching sports. It feels good to be here. I will admit last night was "weird" being back which I never thought I would feel in my own home.

I had lots of emails in response to my last post and I was a bit overwhelmed. In a good way of course. Thank you so much to complete strangers who took the time to say "I have been there". Is there a more greater gift that you can give someone than support??? I think not.

I don't know what will happen. I know that I genuinely enjoy being married. I enjoy the twosome-ness of it, and the whole-ness of our family. But is that enough? I do love him. He did step up and take care of ALL of us, and he did so without complaining...for awhile. Now it's like he thinks he should be givin an award and I just don't have any "hooray for you" awards lying around right now. It's on back order.

My main focus right now (other than this Saturday's Texas Hold "Em Tournament) is just being my same chaotic mommy to the kids. So far they just think we are busy with school, work, guitar, and all that jazz like we usually are. We are a very busy family so that (for once) has been a plus. As for the rest of it, I don't know how that will play out. But what I do know is that I appreciate the kind words, encouraging thoughts and words of wisdom from people that have been there and lived through it.

Goodnight, and thank you friend.

so many questions, no real answers.....

I must admit. I have been absent in my bloggin lately. absent, but hopefully not forgotten. I post and then delete it not really sure if I have said too much. Where is that fine line between being truthful and honestly posting about what is going on in your life and whoa is me? I recognize how fake blogs are that never post problems cause we all got em. Sharing hurtful and painful stories is necessary to really get to know each other. It's just so much easier to read someone else's pain than to write about my own.
I do READ your blogs, I just have not really been sure of what to post myself. See this is one of those make or break, will she or won't she times in my life. I will admit I don't know what I am gonna do? I am just trying to get through this week.

I have been called a quitter (sp?) by walking away from a situation that was spiraling downhill.I have been called a drama queen by reacting to having my feelings hurt. I have been called MANY other choice names that I will not share because quite frankly, it's not too christian of me to repeat. While I do admit to the drama queen label, much to my chargrin, I don't really want to be one. I just am! sorry folks.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, I have NOT been staying at my house due to a very horrible and potentially relationship shattering argument my husband and I had. The things he said to me went straight to the very core of all my insecurities and doubts I have about myself. Hence the past couple of "I am lost" posts.

Just how much "fixing" do you leave up the other person? When you really feel like you are trying. I just feel that he is not ,nor does he want to listen or SEE what I am doing to try. And if he is trying, I don't see it. So maybe he just doesnt SEE me trying either? What if your values and priorities are just not lining up? I want so badly to have gotten it right this time, but what if I did'nt? Don't you just know that you should be together or not? Do you really have to work that hard to like someone? This is such a bad feeling.

So excuse me for not posting, I just don't feel very talkative right now.

easy like sunday morning

So after a restful nights sleep (with the aid of my good friend)


I awoke with the joys of having to do...

i wanna know where you get the cute cherub helpers like in the picture though (i called target and they are all out), because at my house all i got is a couple of screaming kids that think mounds of clothes are the equivilant of freshly raked leaves. and then my two year old thinks he is helping mommy by putting the dirty clotes in the clean clothes pile, so imagine my pleasure at pulling out a pair of my 6 year olds panties and seeing the streak right down the middle (those immediately go in the trash, I am horribly wasteful like that) ewwww. gross.

my husband is filling the house with smells from...
which is making my glands go into over drive watering up my mouth. yummy. i love not being able to cook (another tidbit i am no longer afraid to admit.

tommorrow it is back to this
and to this


ahhhh.aint life grand :)

the bride wore a dress by noone....

thank you thank you thank you thank you...does not seem to say enough. in a world where i am constantly called tmi this was the one place i just wanted to be happy go lucky and not ...well, be me. but you know what. i am me.and you wonderful ladies cheering me on brought a tear to my eye. i wish the people in my real life thought so highly of me sharing my flaws and imperfections. maybe it's different if you have to live them right along with me? but nontheless, i appreciate you so much more than a simple blog post can ever do justice.

i do love my life, don't get me wrong. this is just the way i imagined it to be (sans the perfect happily ever after) the lovely house, dream job, kids so cute but rotten, and a husband you love and sometimes like. i just have to be okay with what i've got to work with (and to heck with the rest). i know it will all work itself, out cause it always does. it's just the working itself out part...the mistakes and the no's no's, the i can't believe i did that, and the how could i be so stupid. i do have the oh wonderfuls, the how sweet, the never in a million years did i imagine this happening to me. it's just the poopy diapers, not changing the toilet paper rolls and honey i'm pregnant that comes in between all that.

do i tell myself this because secretely i DONT like my life? what is it that i can't be happy with and need to change?

will i ever just be okay with me? will i ever NOT feel the need to change, fix, make better? why can't i just say to myself "this is okay" and i make it even worse by pretending that i do say this to myself. cause in all honesty I DONT ALWAYS LIKE MYSELF. is that normal?

Can you like yourself, just not some of the decisions you make? can you be okay who you are, and not be okay with pieces of your character? nto so many answers but lots of questions. and i just know that you, my friends, will tell me.

to think that this all started by me finally getting around to watching "sex and the city" the movie, for the first time. that show always did it for me forever ago when it was on HBO. I loved it then and adore it now. they just GET it. and i wanna GET it. so badly. but i just feel sometimes that i DON'T get it.

so ladies, i absoulutely love the "i've been there" smiles on your faces right now and the knowledge that you will post lovely and reassuring and encouraging comments that will help me get through this confusing and lonely time for me right now. you are amazing and i have stopped typing ....to say thank you for you. we are a community of strong, intelligent, brave women that has come together for whatever reason. be it friendship,starting out only by reading these personal stories proving you are not alone (or crazy like you thought), to cry and to laugh, to have your heart broken and to be so angry and just vent (cause a computer can not tell you to shut up), it may be sad but i have grown to know (and love) some of you like we have been friends for years.

and i hope we can be friends for years to come...

uncensored and raw

i have a confession...i have always wanted to be a writer....Or i used to want to be back when i thought i had a voice. the immaturity of youth and the ideals of the inexperienced make you think you are so smart and the one to set the record straight. somewhere along the way i took off the wendy colored glasses and saw how flawed and just plain ridiculous i acted. and why would i want to broadcast that? so i settled into my routines and found myself just living life. day to day carrying out the kind of existance i had for so long chastised and scoffed.

Somewhere along the way i stopped writing. and i stopped WANTING to write. what i had to say is not shaped by the loss of a child, the harming of my life or tragic circumstance that causes you to say "i can't believe you went through that", i am just me and this is my crazy life. my stories mainly center around drama i created for myself in some way. intentional or not (and most of the time i don't intentionally get myself in the places i find myself) like my favorite quote says "you cannot live IN peace if you are not AT peace"...and i am definately not AT peace.

i replaced my beloved journals with an online journal, telling myself that it is easier to type than to write and i will just print it out and scrapbook it so cleverly and eye appealing. but i don't...

i have alwasy prided myself on the way i write. i loved looking at the script and knowing i did it with my two hands. it's scrolls and swirls and the quirkiness of its appearance based on the way i feel. How i capitlolize every word when i am passionate and confident and in the same thought keep it all lowercase when i turn lazy and unsure.As is the case with my face i don't hide emotions in my writing either. i just write it like it is. good and bad, inappropriate and raw.

i also used to keep my "word of the day" updates handy, getting into the habit of using a new word a day. Now i found that i have traded in words creative in thought for easy, trendy and vague....

i no longer decorate my surroundings with quotes and bible verses. pictures no more tell my life story but merely demonstrate my need to laugh. depression is such an unfair and unfeeling "feeling". i have lived with it off and on for as many years as i can remember. i manage to handle it better at times, and then there are the not so great times, like now.

i don't know if it is the loss of very dear friendships...the revolving door of my marriage, the highs and lows of having so much going on at work-nonstop, or the need to just be better, look better, do better and then realizing i can never be the hero i so desperately want to be.....will i ever be okay to be ....just me?

i have always said that i want to live my life to the fullest. to never have that "i wish i had done this" mentality.

there are so many things i wish i had the courage to do. such as.....
.sing (in public) for my parents
.write a book
.apologize (and get it all out) and mean it
.find my birthmother
.visit a foreign country (malta)
.finish college
.go to AA and give up the sauce (or at least learn to get it under control)
.learn to play the guitar...i used to take lessons
.start a women's group in my area


okay, so that was really personal. and oddly refreshing. maybe i won't delete this post. I made a pact to be cheery and fun in my posting, but this one is just raw. and truthful.

i am such a contradiction. i am my biggest enemy and worst critic, but i love myself more than anyone ever can because i acknowledge and embrace my flaws. (have i lost you yet) i have a honest and real relationship with my god as i see (and more importantly) feel him to be. i am prouldy very deeply routed in my faith, but not churchy or hypocritical. i know i am not a good witnes and don't live my flawed life to be one- follow jesus and what he is to you and not me please. i love obama and all that his place in history means to my family (and in extension) me.being adopted i hate abortion and people that think they have the right to take away or judge anyone else's decisions or life choices. i enjoy alcohol and sometimes i scream out choice cuss words at random inappropriate times. i make jokes at things in life that others find appalling only because it makes it easier to deal. i don't like mean spirited people or people that hate in the name of what they believe in, i have learned that tact does not make you weak, that sometimes speaking your mind does not make you "telling you like IT is" but rather "telling it like YOU are" and not every one wants to or deserves to hear what you have to say. sometimes not saying it says a whole lot more. you should always say I love you when you do, and hug your kids so much they say "you just gave me a hug why do i have to do it again", sick babies break my heart and mommies and daddies who smile in spite of their sick babies inspire me, i want more than the physical and tangible childhood that i had for my kids, i want acceptance and the freedom to make mistakes and to be told it's okay- you are loved in spite of yourself childhood for my kids, whether i am single. married. rich. poor. whatever. i am a contradiction and this just barely touches the surface.

can you tell i am in a "weird place"?

they will take away my parent card for this....

okay, so it IS wordless wednesday, but I have never been one to conform.

So I must break my silence for the funniest video I have EVER seen (since the one with Emory dancing all alone in the middle of a parade while hundreds of people watched her at at Disney of course)

no. seriously. I mean it is hilarious.

I know that some may also see it as a sign of all that is wrong with our society and I am sure I will get my parent card taken away for even admiting that my child knows this song. But she does, obviously.and you know what (pretend I am making that farting noise with my mouth that kids make when they are telling you to quit taking yourself so seriously)

The way that she is singing and dancing and just shaking what I gave her is almost too much to bear. She just loves life. And her "ipod" that her daddy gave her for Christmas. Which is really a cheap $20 MP3 player but she does not know the difference. It is shamlessly the funniest thing I have seen, today anyways. So here is one on me. A laugh for today....just don't hold it against me...

wordless wednesday

tuesday for tuesday

So I am from now on making my Tuesday post about TUESDAY and all the little Tuesdays that I meet along the way. Take a second, go read her blog and don't forget to leave her family a comment.

I am passionate about kids. all kids, but especially kids who are sick(and their precious courageous inspiring families that love them regardless and unconditionally) I don't know how they do it. And I don't even want to think about what it would be like to walk in their shoes. Having a friend whose baby was born with a birth defect and then passed away was undescribeable (sp?) so I won't even try. It did create in me this need to never forget to say thank you. and to not forget that even when I am tired or stressed out and just need a break, I tell myself to say thank you that I was even allowed to feel that way. Some mommies would do anything for the chance to have to get up in the middle of the night. This second Tuesday post is about a cutie that despite his heart not fully forming he is ALL heart. His name is Leighton.



This is a picture his mommy posted on Thanksgiving, is he not such a cutie!!!!! I just wanna pinch his cheeks each time I see his picture. To read his story you can visit his CARINGBRIDGE site.

I guess above all I just want to take at least ONE day to visit these precious sites and just say hey....I am here and I am thinking of you. Then I will make sure to remember them all day, to pray for them and to send them love. After I have done all that I will go find my own kids. kiss them and hug them until they beg me to stop and then I will hug them and kiss them again.


After I posted this I went to the site of a dear friend of mine from way back at THE MOTHER LETTER PROJECT I got chills and started to cry and dropped to my knees to pray for ROBBIE. I am so uncredibly blessed and just have to shout it from the hills.

Not me Monday

Let's see..

Today I did NOT oversleep, forget that school is out due to teacher workday (blaughhhh) so the girls had to go to work with me, in my mad dash to get ready step in puppy poop which squished between my toes and made me Not throw up. Let the chaos begin....

For lunch I did NOT blow the "I'm gonna eat healthy" resolution my hubby and I just made last night. I did NOT go to the White Oak Gas station and buy 3 chicken cheese crispitoes, mashed potatos with no gravy and some popcorn shrimp. oh and a orange fanta. Is there anything better than greesy gas station food?

While at work I did NOT overhear my 6 yr old say (and I quote) "I get spanked by a black man everyday"......huh? did my kid really say that! To a group of little white girls no less, I have said it before and I will say it again. It's prison or president with that one! I don't know how her mind works and I never will. I mean, I took her to the side and asked her what she was talking about. She nonchalantly said "what, I get in trouble, I get a spanking what's the big deal? Can I go play now". I think she just likes to say what ever she can to shock people. I can't imagine what she says at school and I am suprised DHS hasn't been called. Like the title says, it's a crazy life.....

weekend wrap up..

So I have been thinking lately that if I had a blogging lineup I would blog more consistantly. A prompt for myself to post on what is going on in my crazy life. I do check my blog EVERYDAY but although I do have all these cute witty blog posts that i write in my head, i don't always follow up by actually blogging. So here it is, my new bloggin line up (subject to change whenever I feel like it)

Not me Monday (hands down my funniest posts)
Tuesday for Tuesday (this will be dedicated to spotlighting amazing kids)
Wordless Wednesday (although I doubt I can do anything totally wordless)
Thankful Thursday (because you alwasy gotta stop and say thank you, especially if you complain alot like I do)
Finally Friday(says it all I think)
Weekend wrap up

So there it is. my lineup. This weekend was amazing. I was kind of lost and unsure of myself as one of my best friends Syard had my two youngest rugrats most of the weekend. The hubby and I had date night out to eat on Friday (but then the wine I had with dinner ruined it because I was in bed by ten) Saturday I got to SLEEP IN (see past posts and you will see how monumental an occasion this was) and then I went to shop(I am redoing my kitchen from peppers to roosters) Got the kids all back home on Sunday and it was bathtime, bed and the Golden Globes (Kate Winslett's speech made me just love her. love the crying and the thanking and the crying) so now I am off to bed. Sure I will have lots of embaressing stories to post tommorrow.


Oh yeah, I finally figured out how to add the follow me feature. I know you have not been able to do it before so PLEASE follow me now.

one of those surveys i found somewhere

.. .. About you and your other half.:
A lot about you!
What is your name? depends who you ask
How old are you? 30 and i feel every year of it
When is your birthday? groundhogs day (Feb 2)
Are you looking forward to it? yes, i love my birthday
Why? the start of a new beginning i guess
Are you happy? very
What makes you happiest? my family
Are you afraid of something? being misunderstood
Do you live alone, or with someone else? with 11 somethings
Who? one husband, 3 kids, 8 dogs,
Do you have any pets? do kids count?
What is your favorite cartoon? I am kind of stuck on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse by default
Have you ever hit a deer? can't say that i have (knock on wood)but my husband kills them everytime we go to Mississippi so we eat it all the time
Do you drink? yes (shhhhh)
Do you prefer beer or liquor? jagger, as the pictures can testify
What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink? dr. pepper
What kind of cell phone do you have? a BLACKBERRY yeehawww!
Do you like it? can't you tell
What is the funniest word you ever heard? boy (said in a greenwood accent)
Do you hate it when people call you "dear"? not so much
To whom have you sent the most text messages? has to be daniel
What did you do for new year's eve? i spend new year's kissing kaileigh every year
were there lots of pictures? no, but for so long it was just her and me so i did not care
What is your favorite movie? too many to pick just one
What is your favorite song? see above, but "Kissing You" might win
what concerts do you want to see in 2008? kaileigh and emory live in person
Do you have any tattoos? yes, several
What is your favorite place to chill out? my bed
What is your favorite song to play on guitar hero? i like to watch my nephew
Do you work out? my husband will laugh if i say yes, i wish
Do you wear any jewelry? yes
What is your favorite memory of the past couple of years? Disney World with the kids, Christmas with the fam, just hearing my kids laugh and dance and sing
What is your goal for the year? to be the me my kids see
What do you think about when you first wake up? why, isaiah can you not sleep in
Do you shower daily? twice, at least
....alone? ummm. kaileigh reads this
Have you ever eaten sushi? this year I can say yes to this question
Did you like it? a Sam's roll at Wasabi, yes
List three things you can't live without: husband, babies, computer
What is your best physical feature? eyes
What is your middle name? irene
Do you get choked up during dramatic movies? i cry at the price is right
What is your biggest pet peeve? people that walk in front of your car in a parking lot
have you ever liked someone that all of your friends hate? yes
Is there anything that you regret? many things unfortunately
Do you want children? i have so many already
How many? got enough
Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? not for awhile, i am a boring driver
What is your favorite number? 2
What is your favorite sports team? dont have one
What is your most over-used phrase? no
What do you not say enough? i'm sorry
You and your other half:
Did you get over your ex, or are you over him/her? some of them better than others
Are you currently with someone? yes
Do you love him/her? sometimes
Who said "I love you" first? can't remember
Where? see above
Would you date your ex again? not a chance
What is your longest relationship? 5 years
What is your most significant relationship? i married him
What is the most romantic thing a significant other can do? buy you deoderant
Do you like pet names? baby
Do you have any? yes
Is there anything that you won't tolerate in a relationship? cheating
Do you believe in living together before engagement/marriage? yes
Where did you meet your significant other? at manuel's
Have you ever broken up? many times
Have you ever had your heart broken? see above
Have you ever broken someone's heart? wishful thinking
What is your significant other's birthday? august
What is your anniversary? june 11
Does this person know you better than anyone else? unfortunately
Is this person younger than you? nope
Where was your first date? jose's
Would you marry this person? i did
Are you happy with your sex life? my kid may read this
who is "Your" band? i don't think we have a band
What is "Your" song? depends on the moment, we have several
Do you think you'll be together for a long time? i hope
Do you lay in bed and cuddle a lot? depends if i like him that day or not
Where was the last place you went together? kaileigh's program at school
Do you do a lot of surveys? not really
did you like this one? i suppose

Finally Friday

Finally Friday...

so glad it's not Monday and Wednesday is not fun either. There is something about the possibility that putting on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the TV so that I can go back to sleep for 30 more minutes might work this time (I can dream can't I)....not that any other blogging mommy would dare put their child into bed with them and pretend to be joining in on the Saturday morning cartoon watching all the while drifting back to that happy place where there are no poopy diapers to change or laundry to fold. ahhhhh....finally friday.

so glad it's not Tuesday or Thursday...those halfway days that are wedged in between Monday and Wednesday. not really halfway to anything. Just pluuhhh days that you can't wait to end. at least in my over-dramatic, not as bad as I am making it sound, life.

This week was brutal. I am wrapping up loose ends for an upcoming Texas Hold "Em event and then at the same time it is Winter Ball time. oh, the life of an event planner is never without events. Not that I would trade it for a second. But I had to take a second and say....finally friday.

REASONS MY FRIDAYS (AND EVERY OTHER DAY) IS SO GREAT...

tuesday for tuesday

It's Tuesday...have you said your prayer for TUESDAY?

I want to challenge you, my friend, to go visit this blog. Read this sweet story and then tell her you were there.

not me monday

Today I did NOT spill chocolate on my white shirt. When asked what was on my shirt I replied. "If I don't have boogers or food somewhere on my clothing I just don't start out the day feeling complete."

Today I did NOT have chicken crispitoes from the White Oak Station for breakfast. They are always gone by lunch time so today I snagged me one (or three) early!!

Today I did NOT get felt up by my two year old as I was walking into the daycare to drop him off. I was NOT totally mortified when he said "boobie" as he grabed said body part his voice loud as he could get it, in front of a cluster of parents and the daycare director. uh-uh! not me!

Today while everyone else was complaining about having a hard time going back to work I did NOT think to myself "personally, it could not have happened soon enough for me" my mantra for the break was child support is illegal.

Some of the reasons it is so great to be me!

Amber this is for you (go down and mute my playlist first)

So Amber honey, this laugh is for you. Because I can FEEL how misearable you are and I have been there a time or four myself (I mean it, I could write for a soap opera and only Passions would take the stories they are so out there). My mantra is "You feel how you feel" and you just can't help it. You can choose however how you react to those feelings. So tortured or torching his house is up to you. But just know you are being thought of (and prayed for) today that I know if a hard day..... my kids cracks me the heck up. She is up there and out there with the best of them and I admit I beg her to be that way. She adds COLOR to my life and hopefully you will get as big a kick out of her as I did and this post will make you smile at least once today....oh yeah, and she says "No autographs, please...I am with my family. :)

and the award goes to.....me

okay, so if today was any indication of what the rest of 2009 is like I am so geeked out! I am going to have the best year EVER! I just found out I got an award (me, yes me, the nerd who checks her own profile page to see if anyone is really reading what the voices in my head are telling me to write) I have to say to

Stephanie Espo

at My Star and wish that if I could drive to your house and give you a hug I would. I love seeing my name in print on someone else's blog. YOU ROCK! and I am so glad you love the song "Dance" cause I do (just typing it's title made me start singing it all over again)I am a music nut and love it all from my kids corny Disney movie songs to the ones that make me cry and then back around to the corny songs that have no meaning what so ever but feel so good to belt out loud and free. You truly made my night!!!



now for the rules...

It's called the Lemonade Award, but I will be like Stephanie and call it a Lemon Drop Martini Award as Janna (and Stephanie) did!!!!!!! It makes it sound well....Yummy! ahahaha...who doesn't love Lemon Drop Martini's?! Lately I love everything or anything with alcohol....BWAAAAHAHAHAHA

Now, for the rules:
First, you should give link love to the person who gave you the award. I did that earlier but in case you missed it I will tell you again GO VISIT STEPHANIE
Secondly, nominate ten of your favorite bloggers to receive the Lemonade Award! (Need to do that next)



SO my nominees are (and this would include Stephanie and Amber at KISS MY CHEEK but they already got the award but I love these blogs all the same:

I just think CHRIS BLISS is the cutest blog ever. I love her spunky attitude (and love of illustrating her life in a pic or two) so she is my first pic. I am currently working on one of her do it yourself projects (a picture frame that you refurnish and find some cute wrapping paper to use where the picture goes...I will link back to her post and put up a pic when I am done, I promise)

Number two goes to Seth and Amber at THE MOTHER LETTER PROJECT now that Seth has spilled the beans to Amber,I can call them by name instead of Danny (where did that come from anyway?) You just have to go read the blog to get the WHOLE story. But basically it is a Christmas present project where a husband got mothers to write letters about being a mother that he then assembled as a book and gave to his wife and his babies mother... bring the kleenex ladies!!!

Number three goes to Laura at THE BULLINGTON FAMILY cause I just love the support and attention she has and will continue to show me. We come from the same dinky podunk town and who doesnt love to go home every once in awhile (as long as you can escape when you need to) this girl is golden.

Up next is Jennifer at THE HOUSE OF JONES cause she is such an inspiration to me. Her faith and love of her family make me want to be a better me (and her mom was one heck of a Sunday School teacher that is one of the most positive impactful people I have ever had the honor of having in my life)

This next chick is amazing. Go check out my number five Jessica at SIMPLY A FARMER'S WIFE she is not just simply anything except wonderful. Go see Parker's story and you will find out why this CHICK ROCKS!!

Six is something else you gotta see to believe go check out WHO SAYS 8 IS ENOUGH you gotta read it to believe it...and you will love them too (if you have a pulse that is)

Seven goes to EVERYDAY MOM OF ONE because she is just precious. She is always posting cute pics of that baby boy any momma would want to kiss those cheeks and her give aways are fun too!!! Go give her some love, she is so great to give everyone else love.

Great Great number eight goes to THE SECRET IS IN THE SAUCE because where would we all find each other with out these saucy ladies? I am sure they get tons of awards but I am gonna give em one more because I just love em.

Number nine is next and I one thousand percent approve this message. This lady cracks me up daily with her posts about nipple cream which she smeared on her sugery recovering mothers lips (unknowingly) to her blog design I JUST HAD TO HAVE (hope she is not mad) she is Mcdreamy (in a girl envy kind of way of course) she is the popular cheerleader blogger every blogging dork wants to be. Go visit THE MCMOMMY CHRONICLES RIGHT NOW!!!

Last but not least is Jennisa at ONCE UPON A BLOG she endured my way-too many emails and designed my amazingly fabulous blog you are looking at right now. Love this lady and her talent and if you are in the market for a new blog check her out!!!

Thank you to everyone for even coming to my blog taking the time to read my thoughts. You have picked up my spirits and made me put down the bottle (at least for a little while anyway) Love all your blogs and get to work giving out those awards.....

finally my kid is coming home from her dad's house friday.....

My daughter Emory is one of those kids who marches to the beat of her own drum. She loves herself waaay more than anyone else ever will and wholeheartedly embraces her flaws (she is not so accepting of everyone else's though) I completely dig this kid. I know I have this clip up in several places on my blog, but I just wanted to put it up again in case you missed it.

Who says 8 is enough?

who says 8 is enough is a really cute blog to go check out. She tells her story of adoption and love and more adoption and even more kids in a way that you can't help but want to go watch Jon and Kate plus 8 or 17 Kids and Counting....who doesnt love the story of a family of a ton of kids making it.

I really love the pictures of the not just white but black kids too. Being from a family that consists of inter-racial ethnic backgrounds it really warms my heart to see another family "LIKE OURS" blended and not the norm...but so obviously in love.

check her out and leave her some love.
Don't you just love it when you find a site that really touches your heart and makes you want to say GO CHECK THIS LADY OUT, SHE ROCKS!!!

Happy 09...and yes I ate my black eyed peas (UGH!)

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.