Has It Really Been 20 Days???

I must say that I am water logged this days. Slower, muted, numb these days.

It almost makes it harder that Kaileigh is handling this so much more silent than I am. I am not by any means saying that is better. At least I am getting it out, sometimes she scares me. But she does grieve and she does talk and she does want to cry. She just can't yet. and since there is no handbook on this I just have to sit in the background and love her. and just be here.

I honestly have NO concept of what my child is thinking, feeling, needing right now. All I know is that she is not alone and I love her.

If you know me at all you know that I live my life through my relationships. Good and bad they do drive how I feel, think, act. This one has been tough for me to lose because it was so life changing for me. And it continues to change my life to this day. The fact that I always thought in the back of my mind that it would one day be great. He'd be a great dad and we would be great friends.....His death exhausted that possibility and for me that loss is what I mourn...

Those last two days with him were a blur. But I cling to them like I havent lived hundreds of days before him and I can't imagine living hundreds more with him not annoying me somehow, somewhere... I keep telling myself loss is loss. He wasnt THE love of my life, but he was a love OF my life and I want to honor that. and cherish it...all those years of all that other crap really in the end isnt important.

I'm sure in some way I could be doing more for Kaileigh. I'm sure that I'm doing something wrong. But that is a whole nother post.

20 days.....really??

What a difference a week makes...

i wasnt sure how to tackle this one so it's taken me a few days to get my thoughts together.

a week ago today my precious daughter Kaileigh and i sat in the hospital ICU @ Sparks holding her daddy's hand and trying to wrap our heads around how someone could put a bullet hole in their own head.

yea, wish i was making that one up.

and let me tell ya, a week later i still don't know if i got that one figured out.

Suicide has always been stuff of bad lifetime movies for me. That cliche "how could someone be so selfish" question and other such nonsense. When it happens to you, it's incomprehensible. people looking at me with sad "dont know what to say" puppy dog eyes, and that feeling of wanting to throw up but instead having to explain what happened and don't even get me started on pretending to "get back to normal"

Leon was my high school sweetheart. I'd had a few loves before him but nothing even remotely like him. We had Kaileigh when we were 19 and the years that followed were rocky and sometimes a little hairy but for 16 years this man has been in my life.

and now he isnt.

Kaileigh is a trooper. She returned to school and so far everyone has been really supportive of her. I'm not sure what the days ahead are going to look like for us, but we will get through it.