Monday, July 27, 2009

i'm sorry....i miss you....

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field

One word turns into a.....
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield

Can't go back now
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing

These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield

Why does love always feel like
Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield

You better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war (start a war)
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

why oh they not give us emotionally challenged folks a guide..
just a few hints to say
don't say this and be careful of that
i mean, they have "INSERT TOPIC OF CHOICE for dummies"
every subject under the sun
except life

and yes, i know that i should know this stuff by now
but i really am dense.
i get caught up in the excitement and emotion and just awesome-ness of the gift
and then i act like myself and mess it up...
not intentionally mind you, i just open my mouth and that seems to be enough

i am alot to handle i do know this...
not that i am putting myself down or having a pity party.
i just know that i am alot to handle
and god bless those amazingly patient and brave souls that have figured out how to handle me....they are few and far between

this is my white flag.
i dont know how to fix this.
i dont know how to fix me.
but the point should not be that i am flawed
but more importantly that i miss you. and i waited too long for this to be it.
not one single day has gone by that i do not think of you. i am sad.

and hey, i just put myself out there on the internet for EVERYONE to read
(and i am learning that they do.....)
Loved you before i knew "you" as you..

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

a dream

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest swing.I had a dream.Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest tree.I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.I had a dream

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

open letter of thanks

this is an open letter to you...and you will know who you are when you start reading.

it's so incredibly raw and frightening for me to begin something new. the fear of the unknown truly is my biggest fear.ever.
spiders, no.
snakes. no.
needles. not at all.
heights. nope.
not knowing. almost unbearable.

and i was hesitant and unsure the first time we spoke. not that i let it stop me, i will admit you had me intrigued. after our phone conversation today i am not hesitant. or unsure.

thank you for being so complex. and so "tell it like it is". thank you for letting me take it all in my own special way. and since i am a mini me version of you i know you will appreciate that i have to do it MY way. thank you for soothing frazzled nerves and calming ruffled feathers. thank you for being unique and authentic. cause i cant do fake.

i thought since you encouraged me to start writing again, that it only fitting my first post be about you. so thank you. for you.

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Monday, July 20, 2009

....when I.....

so much of my life has been lived with the mentality... "when I"

when i figure out what i want to be when i grow up...

when i get some more money i will do this....

when i find my birth mother.....

when i finally hit bottom in my drinking.....

when he finally realizes how "GREAT" i am....

it's been a long wait for me. waiting to be fulfilled, content, at peace, happy.....
you can imagine what sort of basket case i am. and how the important people in my life have to be saints in order to still be so important in my life.

cause it's nice to be wanted but kind of pathetic to be always needed.....

so as I sat on my the rain (which is odd cause i am obsessed with my trampoline when it rains but that is another post) so i am on my porch (complete with lanterns and twinkling christmas lights) i cant help but just wonder why

why not be okay with what i have?
why not be okay to keep my mouth shut and know that things will work themselves out?
why not let this be good enough?

and i dont know that in my time of reflecting that i have an answer for you....wish i did.
i do know that in this second of clarity i stopped to tell my God thank you.
for the clean, pure fragrance of the rain, washing away all the chaos and confusion i felt an hour ago

for my amazing. funny. beyond what i deserve babies, laughing as they jump on my bed (which is a huge no-no but i am letting them do, cause we all got to break the rules sometimes and get away with it)

for the new found family that is complicated and drama filled but nontheless fills me up beyond words

for my old (but always) family that is dysfunctional but is all that i know. for how they DO seem to come through. not always, but enough. and i can appreciate that.

and for myself,
i am not so bad. not always good. but okay with that. i have been through alot, but not enough. loved and been hurt. but still want to be loved some more. made so many mistakes. but learned so much, enough to say it was worth it. flawed. but amazing. have not made my mark on the world. but okay that if i died today i know i tried. not as skinny as i want to be. but okay that i am not that girl.....cause i still get a look or two. have amazing friends!!! and can finally say they are REAL friends.....i am woman enough to say i am wrong, and sorry, and miss you. if you knew my stubborn- i am always right- f*you attitude of my twenties you will know what a life lesson that is for me. but i am NOT always right, and i embrace that.

i am me. and i am a work in progress. good and bad i thank God for it all. that is how we learn. and i am still learning. and for this day at least. i can be okay with just being me. and maybe i dont have to live my life according to 'WHEN I"

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

not sure what to call this one

Happiness comes from loving more than being loved
and often when our affection seems wounded
it is our vanity bleeding.
To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again-this is the brave and happy life.
For most of life,nothing wonderful happens
if you dont enjoy getting up and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family and friends, then chances are you're not going to very happy.
If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events
that person isnt going to be happy much of the time
if, on the other hand,happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard,hanging out on your trampoline, a long nap, a good book
then we more likely to live with quite a bit more happiness.
it takes so much energy to be negative
wastes so much time to pine for things beyond your reach
takes away blessings in your life
when you are always focused on someone else's actions
it is what it is
accepting and embracing brings a peace and calmness and happiness
to the every day to day tasks that truly make up a life
a happy life....

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All I know

We both bruise so easily Too easily To let it show
I love you And that’s all I know
And all my plans keep falling through All my plans they depend on you
Depend on you To help them grow
I love you And that’s all I know
When the singers gone Let the song go on
It’s a fine line between The darkness and the dawn
They say in the darkest night There’s a light beyond
And the ending always comes at last Endings always come too fast
They come too fast And they pass too slow
I love you And that’s all…It’s really all I know

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

I am kind of lost in bloggy space right now. Not really sure where the heck this blog is going or if i want to keep it up. until i make up my mind i guess i could post.......ummmm...yeah, okay i will post

School is very overwhelming slash exciting. Just being in college is really an experience i never thought i would get to have. And minus the dorm drama (cause i have enough of that already), drunken parties with frat boys (i will not even touch that one with a smart remark) and pretending i have to look a certain way or dress like everyone else (so glad my twenties are gone) i think i might actually have a chance of making it through. I am getting my bachelor's in Business Management and plan to work in the non-profit world where i have been for about 9 years off and on. Scary cause i have not been in school in so long (wont tell you how long) but i love to write so i should be good.

Kids are great! little man is at his dad's and the girls are going to see a play with my parents and then off to Greenwood for the weekend. yes, i am trying to hold back the giddy excitement i feel at having the house all to myself, getting to pee alone and not have to wake up to elbows and feet in my it!

Just realized i did not post the pics from my recent Texas trip. here they are, was a good trip i think...hopefully the first of many.

My sister Tasha with little man and Kaileigh at the water park

Don't know why we waited till the end of the day to take this. By now we were hot, tired, some of us were sunburned and looked like drowned mice...but it is still a cute pic.

me, my step dad Eddy and my mom (and yes, it is as strange for my to type that as it is for you who know me to read.

my mom and me. this is my favorite picture

One of my beautiful sisters...Natasha

My other witty sister Nicole was there in our hearts, now she provided us with a glimpse so that we could see what it would look like for her to be there in person (at least in a picture)

Natasha, mom and me

group shot

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