Thursday, August 28, 2008

45 Years ago today

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal. I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day. This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring. And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring. And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hebrews 11:1

Hebrews 11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

One thing is sure, I know who I want to be. And even more cetain am i, that i need to be the best me possible to get that done.I want to know all the pieces of where i came from (and that includes finding my birth family) and to make a dreams and wish list for the life i want to lead.
And all this is fine and well to say, but i need a plan to make it happen. i want my legacy to be that my day to day tasks (be that as a mommy, wife, friend, daughter, sister, and don't forget board member for The Jack Ryan Gillham Foundation) told the world of the trueness and goodness of my heart. I want my day to day activities to be what counts, not one day that is great and I happen to be apart of.

No news on the adoption search. Keep me in your thoughts.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Search Angel

If I could be described by 3 letters according to my husband my initials would be TMI. I don't have that thing in my that can just shut up. I think talking is theraputic and if someone does not want to hear me they can just tell me to stop talking (otherwise they must want to hear what I have to say in my opinion.)
Recently I have been intrigued and obsessed by my new friend who I will just call my search angel from now on. She contacted me about an old posting on an adoption website that I had actually forgotten I had posted. She had some information about where I was born (Sellers) and she had some questions about the information I listed on the site. I went through many emotions after talking to her that first time. From maybe it's Maureen pretending to be someone else to what if she is going to tell me she knows Maureen but that I have to pay her money to get that information (not that I would ever give someone money like that). But I was hooked so I kept responding to her emails and then I found myself asking (and wanting to know) about her. For no other reason than she likes to help people does she do this. And she is helping me search. She is my search angel .
I had gotten to a point that I pretty much accepted that I would never find Maureen. I was okay with that, although every birthday and holiday and sometimes for no reason at all I write letters to the birthmom I have never known. Silly I know, but in doing so I have convinced myself that someday I will still find her and she will have proof that I did think of her.
My mom Jan says she is supportive, but can she be? Can you be a mom and know that there are things in your childs life that have nothing to do with you? I am making a mental note to myself that someday my kids just may have feelings and emotions that do not revolve around me and not to take that personal (and for the record i have just been let down......
to realize this life truth. I guess I just thought that my kids always think of me and make decisions based on me like I do for them, but I don't do that for my mom so why would my kids do that for their mom? As a mom that is a depressing thought but that's another blog)
Anyway, hopefully I get some kind of answers to all this mess that has gone on since I was a kid watching the miss america pagent and wondering if miss louisiana was my mom (silly i know but i was 5) I am thankful for Anne and her ability to lead me in the right direction and listen when i go off on my own detours. Guess we will see where this journey leads me.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Jeremiah 33:3

"Call unto me and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou do not know." ~Jeremiah 33:3

I have learned over the years that there are alot of things I don't know. I don't know why babies die, or why I can't find my birthmother after 10 long years of searching for her, I don't know why daddies don't take care of their kids, and can someone tell me why people cheat? I just don't know the answer to those things.
I have also learned that I have been a drama magnet because ~ how can you live IN peace if you are not AT peace. I am working at that one day by day and progress is slow (but the point is and should be this; there is progress in my heart) I learned that best is not always good (as in a best friend is not always good for you) and I learned that I have little self esteem and self worth. But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I don't feel sorry for myself. I am just working on seeing the good (in others and in myself) and being okay with the things I can do instead of beating myself up for the things I can't. I am okay with being a work in progress. Another one of the things I have learned is that if you call out and ask God for things you do get an answer. Sometimes that answer is not the one you wanted to get, but you got an answer. Maybe it was just no. And I have to stop in times like that and just say, Lord give me the strength to accept whatever your answer is, because I get it now. I see that my plans may not be what you have in your plan and your in charge. I am tired of acting like I am in charge. I was'nt doing such a hot job myself. I just give it all to you.

On the flip side of that sometimes you call out to God and get blessings. My greatest blessings have come out of hidden places. A few of them were even tragedies that showed themselves to be miracles in the end. I just have to turn off the fast pace every now and then, be still, and listen. All things show themselves true in the end. Good and Bad. I want to learn to call out to him. The preacher today said that sometimes we get put in uncomfortable places to be able to get to that place where we are once again comfortable with God. And I truly believe that lately that has been the case. I heard an awesome song today "Everlasting God" by Glen Packiam which said that no matter what, the good the bad, that My God is everlasting. still there for me and loving me and accepting me. everlasting.
To say it simply I was at peace. And renewed and inspired. Now let's see if I can do something with that.

Enough of my ramblings, just wanted to process all of this while my sermon notes still made sense.