Monday, August 31, 2009

Friend Making Mondays

It has been a really long time since I have done a Friend Making Monday post. so I decided to start here. Visit Amber , for her 20 Questions idea and if you want to find out more about friend making mondays, the button is on the side bar of my here goes

20 Questions

1. Do you cook every night?
no. honestly i do not. i do cook some nights (3 or 4). something i do like to do though is to let my 12 year old Kaileigh TRY to cook dinner. i think it is teaching her a useful skill for the future and she likes to think she is it gives me time to do other things (cause you know with 3 kids there is never enough time)

2. What kind of laundry detergent do you use & why?
Tide, Tide, Tide. i can't get enough of that smell. Walking into my laundry room while the washing machine is going is almost better than Burnt Cider candles (i did say almost)

3. Do you do laundry everyday for loads at a time? i am not ashamed to admit that my laundry is never caught up. i mean, really. who has their laundry caught up ALL the time on a regular basis except maybe Kate G...need i say more? LOL

4. How often do you eat out per week? depends on who is paying

5. Where do you usually eat out? Mong Dynasty, Charlie's Chicken, Red Lobster and the old time family tradition of McDonald's (or as Isaiah says Donald Ducks)

6. What is your favorite retail store? Kirklands,Gordman's, and i just can't be original here but i live at Wal-Mart

7. What's your favorite thing to drink? it used to be Dr. Pepper but i must admit lately it has been Orange Fanta (and my daughter sings the dumb commercial song everytime annoying the snot out of me)

8. Do you take vitamins? no. none

9. What percentage of the household chores to you do? Depends on what i can cajole or bribe my kids to help me out with....hahahah. not really. they do have their chores and i have i would say it is 70/40

10. Do your children do chores? Kaileigh does dishes, trash and feeds the dogs
Emory makes the mess and then cries when she is asked to pick them up (i dont care though you mess it up you pick it up in this house) even Isaiah...for the most part

11. Do you go to church? yes. sometimes. okay, not as much as we should

12. Do you have a housework schedule? No.

13. Do you keep a working budget? I couldn't live without it. Being a single mom, in school. have to have a budget (not that it "works" all the time for me though)

14. What do you do at night as a family? Dinner, homework, we sometimes go to the dog park (we have 4 dogs) or to the library. Depends on how much time we have

15. How do you prepare yourself for a new week?
I journal alot. It makes me feel clear and able to process all that goes on in my crazy life. I can look back on my thoughts from time to time and see how i have come out of situations i did not know if i was gonna be able to handle.

16. What do your mornings look like?
crazy. hectic. but lots of giggles and always end with kids getting out of the car screaming "love you mom, sis, bub" and i love hearing Isaiah scream back "wuv you honey, good day cool" he got that from me because i always say "love you honey, have a good day at school" it really is a sight. the girls have gotten used to it so they don't close the door till they hear us both say it. and he smiles, feeling like a big boy showing his women he loves them....

17. What time do you get up in the morning?
at a time that used to be obscene to me. but really 6am is not so early i know.

18. What time do you go to bed at night?
never at the same time. depends on my homework or if i am reading a good book, or online (which is not a good idea for me at night i just cant shut it off :) usually 11 or 12

19. How do you manage all of the paperwork that floods into your household? i have a box that i keep important school papers in, a bill sorter,and the trash can where papers go in their right place as it comes in. Otherwise with 3 kids it gets to be too much

20. How so you keep your household organized?
i have a write on calender that i record all the events of the month,week and day. We just stick to our routine cause otherwise it gets really crazy

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no, i am not dead

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

So it has been awhile, and really i am not quite sure why i have waited so long to post.So much has gone on. Rehab and Re-Wendy i guess you could say, old friends, new friends,school, life.... alot.

good and bad i am just more determined than every to live it to the fullest. To kiss my kids until they plead with me to stop,remember to tell people that i appreciate them, not stress on those things that really could be worse and that i have no control over. To not forget to live my life while i am waiting for whatever i think is supposed to happen.

okay, so with that said. let me stalk other people's blogs until i find some funny blog assignment to come back with.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

from drunk girl to detox...

There will be some who question why i post this. i believe that the writer does not choose what to write, that she writes what is given her to write.
so this is what i had slapped in my face recently.

As i posted i had so much going on this past weekend. party or two, a date with a new boy that seemed NOT to be sometimey, seeing my mom (Jan) on her bday and a slumber party with Elaine. Truly a busy fun weekend.

cue the danger music… dun dun dun........detox was not in the plan. by any means. on any level.

so imagine the sheer terror when i found myself making plans to go. Really started as this way to humor my dad but the more humoring I did the more sense it made and the more I could not talk myself out of needing to go. And then me Thinking I would have time to plan, alcohol to drink, tears to cry, um....doesnt work that way.
well, the time to plan part.

Susie told me to be at NAME HAS BEEN OMITED IN CASE SOMEONE READS THIS THAT WORKS THERE AND I HAVE TO GO BACK….at 3pm (and it was 12:45) so I did what you do when you are fixing to go to alcohol treatment. You buy a liter of R&R and drink yourself unappropriate. Dan (my husband) came home to me having a panic attack ( i was at his house at the time since he was gonna be the one to take me) what the heck was i thinking? What if they would not let me leave? Would anyone remember me? Okay, so it was just a few days but IT WAS REHAB!!! AT A PLACE THAT USED TO HAVE THE WORD BATES IN THE TITLE.....

I really don't remember much of intake. i was led to room two (remember being so thankful to the orderly for giving me my special favorite number room so that must mean i was going to have lots of fun)......sure lady

had my bag searched and she took my wallet...but GASP....she left my phone. So of course i proceeded to pretend i needed to take a nap, curled up on my nasty bed and made a phone call.
(sidenote: i do not remember this but said person on the other end of the phone said i was quite mean to the young lady that saw me on my phone and told on me. i do know i called her a name that has skank at the beginning and something else in it not too Christian of me to post online so I will let you fill in the blanks… and she left shortly after that) already starting out good huh!

Then i heard those words that all unstable people loves to hear...time for meds. i would hear those words many times of the next few days.

days blur together and I don’t ever really remembering what day it was or really what time it was. I do remember asking what time it was only to be told not time for meds yet….um, are we seeing a pattern here? there is not a whole lot to do in detox but write in my journal (and since i was doped up that will prob never see the light of my blog), read 1985 Good Housekeeping, smoke breaks every 45 min (and i dont smoke) and oh yes, med times.
I really did this for 3 days. i can remember just laying there and crying. Staring at the peeling paint (and who the hell came up with the color Insane asylum white, they need to be poked with a hot flat iron in parts that will drive them as crazy as this paint job made me…

Anhoo, back to my sob story. Chow time, as it is called, sucked. That is all I can say. One day we had what tasted like spam that they molded to look like a hamburger and added a little soy sauce for coloring with chocolate pudding that you had to scrape the skin off of it to eat. Stop laughing, this seriously did suck. Another day we had nachos which I did eat and I seriously could not tell you what I had the rest of the time cause I was that doped up. I will say one of the highlights was smuggled pizza night. Since I am not in AA and who the hell cares if this is anonymous cause I don’t know her last name and I doubt she knows what or how to work a computer is Kathy. Kathy is a hoot. She got out there with me and danced in the rain during a smoke break (which could end up on youtube cause steve was kind of suspect and we were in t-shirts…or I was anyway. Anyhow back to Kathy) she called her husband who she seriously called big D (and his name is Tom so you can imagine what the d stood for) and told him to order us a pizza put it on his credit card and have it delivered to the side door and we would get it. And thank the heavens for big d. he called the pizza man and Stephanie and me snuck out the side door (really secure place huh) and got our pizza. CLAWWWDIA our warden, I mean mental health tech or whatever dumb name she is was TICKED “jew do not go outside of dis unit wifout me!!”

Need I describe CLAWWDIA for you???

So yes, pizza party in rehab. Good times good times.

So day 3. By then you can imagine my enjoyment of the meds had wore off and I was just sick of the peeling paint, sick of being on a diet, of having to walk like a herd of cattle cause we were the “detoxers” and can “fwatanize” as Clawwdia calls it with anyone. I was tired of looking at the phone and being sad because no one called. Just tired of it all. The last straw was Gordon the moron telling me to sign the papers to stay 6 weeks “cause I had really good insurance” and the dang pills…so I signed myself out and made misty come and get me. Didn’t tell anyone, just left.

I will tell you this. I was never happier to talk to my mom, my sister Nicole (that really meant a lot girl),Misty, Syard, and especially you will know who you are. To know that someone does care and that it does matter…mattered. Even hearing my dad’s voice was nice to hear. You just don’t really realize how out of control you are until your 6 year old talks about the store where you get suckers and asks her godmother “do you drink r&r too” and I could tell you a lot worse but then you would stop reading my blog so I will stop at it was time.

I got out that first day and had to sleep the meds off for awhile. A long while! But when I got up I decided to go walk. Since I was at Misty’s in Fayetteville I walked all the way down Zion. I stopped to look at the pond, the huge American flag, smiled at the music and the people sitting on the deck at whatever that Mexican resteraunt, I was gonna turn around but I turned onto Crossover and kept walking. I walked all the way to the liquor store and I went in.

This is the part that really makes me proud. I walked up to my very good friend joe. And I got a orange crush. And I left. Without the slightest interest in getting a drink. It was just that simple. Until I started walking down Joyce and had to ask myself what the heck I was thinking I had just been drugged for 3 days and now I am walking a freaking marathon. So I took the shortcut down Mission (this time not at 6am and I did not have any heels in my hand or a mini-skirt on…hahahahaha) so I was cool. Made it back to mistys very tired, legs on fire, but very proud of this first step. I just might be okay with this whole not drinking thing after all. At least for today….

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Sunday, August 09, 2009

weekend wrap-up

This weekend was great! one much needed time to relax, blow out some bday candles, spend time with an old friend and just enjoy how good life really is.

Kaileigh turned 12 on the 7th. 12? REALLY? i am that old that i have a 12yr old? we will not dwell on that thought for too long but instead move on to the pictures of her slumber party. overall a hit, for the 6 screaming 11 yr olds and my two other screaming even louder kids (Emory and Isaiah) crashing the party.

yes, that is a total of 8 kids and me......need i say more.

Next day mommy (that is me) got to go my friend Rae's house. Rae and i have been friends since like 6th grade (dont do the math, think plus 20 years) one of my oldest friends who for a brief spell we lost touch. But she is up here now and back in full force in my life. i missed her so much and can't say enough how fantastic she is. She is the girl that everyone wants to be around. funny, witty, she is a FANTASTIC artist and beautiful to boot (yeah you are detecting some jealousy there) all kidding aside. i do have some kindof sometime-y friends but she has never been one of them. really fantastic chick.

anyway, she had a girls night. so i braved the boondocks where she lives and went out for some good food, great wine and lots of laughs with some really groovy ladies i had never met. it was a blast.

Rae's little sister Trista, last time I saw her she was 11 or 12....loving the purple hair...

Some of the girls....leave it to me to be holding the wine glass

My fantastic fun friend Rae and myself

so now here i am. started out having a horrible, no good, terrible day on Thursday and on Sunday i am reminded that in my heart lives a God that only wants the best for me. He provides when i least expect OR DESERVE it and I am humbled. very flawed and fallen. but so appreciative for all the great things that he still gives me inspite of myself. I am just really thankful today.

tommorrow may be another story, but today i am good. :)

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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

it's your fault i am not asleep......

so yes, i did get my homework done so at least i can say i got one thing done. the rest of the time i have been feverishly making a cd of all my favorite life changing songs..and here they are and the meaning behind them...

this is for you mom

In My Daughter's Eyes... this is the song i have sung to my girls for as long as i can remember

I Wonder...needs no explanation

I Was Here... wishful thinking on my part

The Best and Kaileigh's special song. we sing this full blast holding hands..everytime we hear it. our first solo date was to see Taylor Swift sing this live

Angels....just love a man that can sing

Daddy....danced at my wedding (only time i have danced with daddy) to this song

Wasted....just love the words

Alter To The Door....see above

O Holy favorite christmas song can belt this out like nobody's business

On My Knees....cause that is where i need to be..alot

Where I Stood....for dan...the what if he found someone new to replace me song

You Were Mine....when i found out L had a new g-friend

Taking Chances....a good pick me up

Somewhere Out a kid i remember singing this to you..

I Run To You....our current song of choice to sing and dance to (little man knows ALL the words though he can't say them clearly yet)

Wide Open Spaces....sang this on repeat as i moved from Ft. Smith to Fayetteville nine years ago.

Held...long story. will fill you in sometime

If This World Were Mine....danced at my wedding to this song. first song.

so there it is. your driving home soundtrack. Had a blast, and as always it went by too fast. be there soon, but not soon enough.

love you mom!!

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So i made em do it.

they met.

my mom met my mom....

wasnt worried in the slightest about my dad. he is so super cool fly i knew he would be charming and wonderful and he was....

now my mom she is a whole new bird.....not so sure how that would go.
she would die if she read this, glad she is computer illiterate :)

for the purposes of clarity i will from now on in this post identify them by their given names. Jan and Maureen. know that for the most part, they are mom.

and by the way who the HECK has to tell you they are going to call their parents by their names so you can tell them apart. my life is damn nuts right now!!! seriously, who has the introduce their MOM to their MOM.


anyway, so i did. Kaileigh and Maureen played checkers and i reminded myself to breathe. as we waited for my parents to show up at Cracker Barrell (that is not how you spell that OH WELL)

to celebrate Kaileigh's 12th birthday (since just the fact that i want them to meet means nothing so far, it has been almost 2 months since i met the lady you'd think they would be anxious to meet the woman who gave birth to their daughter....whole nother post, let it go Wendy)

so they showed up. and we all rose from our rocking chairs (cause you know that is all they got on that dang porch, rows of rocking chairs) i noticed Maureen telling herself to breathe. i really knew it was okay, i could tell by Jan's face that she was okay with it.Maureen walked up to both of them.....

and they hugged.

real hugs. not the fake kind that shapes the rest of the night to be awkard and rushed.we all went in and sat down to eat.

was interested in the seating arrangement. but it worked out nicely. i was pleased. overall.dinner was nice. good mix of talking and story sharing (Jan did not humiliate me with stories like she usually did which was red flag number one) but dad did. we laughed and i got to eat. Misty showed up and i was SO THANKFUL and then Syard came MAKING IT EVEN BETTER. i really have people that love me and will make it all yeah, dinner was good. even got some pics. and yes,awkard as heck in one of them. but its the thought that counts. they did it cause they knew i wanted it. so major cool points were scored and i left happy.content. okay with it all.overall. i would say. if your birthmom comes to visit you should definately ask your adoptive parents to meet her.

cause when you cant really make sense of it all you will feell in your heart, that at the end of the day they all love you
and there is room enough for everyone.

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Monday, August 03, 2009

yes, i am pissed

i am guilty......

i own it and admit it freely. i feel bad that i have hurt people. people that i love. just by having a myspace, a blog, a facebook. because i don't do the "nicey-nicey, i just tell it like it is"

but i hurt them.

and i am sorry

oh yeah, and also i am kind of pissed. cause when did this become your blog? when did i start writing for you and your feelings? when did i STOP writing at all -cause i did not want to piss you off???

have you read the title of my blog???? do you know me at all????

I have been absent. I have stopped doing something I really enjoy. and it sucks. and i am tired of it.

so here it is. i am going to write on my blog. and it will be how i really feel. so if you dont want to hear it DON'T READ IT and if you read it and don't like how i feel DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT cause i loved my blog and now I HATE IT and that is on me for letting you get to me and make me feel bad.......

i realize that there will be other people worse off than me. people that have lost someone they love, someone who is life threateningly sick, someone worse off. There will be someone with something more important to say than lowly ol me. and that is why they win writing prizes and get books published and have 1000 followers. i blog because i spend all day with Dora the Explorer and Scooby Doo and I just want to get it out. and before i could do it in a funny upbeat way and noone that really knew me read it.....or at least they did send me texts quoting my words back to me and telling me how i hurt i just stopped....

but i am pretty dang low myself. and i do have something to say and since this is MY blog i am going to say it. so just dont read what i have to say if you can't just leave it there. cause i am pissed......

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