Friday, November 27, 2009

for the record...muzak christmas carols SSUCKKK

.........and i only have to listen to the crap for almost a whole month longer!!!!

so call me scrooge..

 but besides my red puffy face that makeup cannot restore to its usual shine now i have a splitting headache and can't stop singing "have a blue christmas" Elvis style... (can you tell i work in retail?)

but you'd think that since i work in a place that caters to builders and contractors why the heck would you play elevator music to begin with. AND THEY DONT EVEN CALL IT MUSIC, ITS MUZAK....

it's horrendous, that's what it is.

but it sure beats the promotional video for the new Paula Dean furniture (yes, she makes furniture) that home decor plays periodically. If i have to hear "hey yall" one more time i may just ...i dont know what i will do but i sure wont be happy doing it.

i am not sure why, but i laughed soo hard when i found out 3 people were actually waiting in line outside the door at 7:30am when we opened. i guess the ad we put out worked. and the #1 selling popular item.....(cue the music) the $59.00 five minute toilet. (my guess is they call it that because it is made so cheaply that it just takes five minutes to clog up.

really guys. this is a home improvement store.

On a uplifting note i got a really cool email from my daily dose of wisdom ala~ Rev. Run. It said...

"you can get anything you want in life if you help enough people get what they want. ~Zigler"
i thought it was really cool cause to me it means that we can all be happy and obtain what we want, if we help each other out. and that even if i am focusing on helping other people more than myself it's okay, because someone else is going to be looking out for me.

i am very excited to have the weekend off. hopefully i can get a storage unit and quickly fill it up with all the junk filling up my house.Desperately need to go by the library to pay my fine and find some good books to read (it's been awhile since i read and i am hoping i still know how to), grocery shopping can be squeezed in but then i need to paint my kitchen and put Kaileighs bed together, throw in 5 dog baths,three kid showers,an overhaul of the playroom and some snuggle time with Ryan and i wont have much of a weekend off now will I?

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this blog temporarily taken over by hormones

Pardon the interruption blog was taken over temporarily by hormones.
All technical difficulties have been cried out and we will now return to your regularly scheduled posting.....
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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Don't mess with Texas....or so they say

today has been bittersweet for me.

i was supposed to be in Texas tonight. Meeting my family, basking in the compliments about how much i look like my mom and my sisters (one of them there that i have not met yet) you dont know how hard its been not to jump in my car and just show up and say suuuprriissseee.....                                                                                                                                       
but i am Arkansas and they are there. in Texas.. not really sure now what the heck happened. i know that it all happened so fast. and that i freaked out and over-analyzed EVERYTHING. some things got said, and i did not know how to process. and instead of giving me time to just get over it and figure out a way to just be .....i got pressured to give more than i could give. and then it came to the kids birthdays and i didnt hear from them and i got upset. i just remembered all the birthdays i did not know them and did not hear from them and i blamed her. i did. maybe i still do..... so i closed up and it snowballed. till there was nothing left. nothing. she told me to leave "''Her"""""" family alone. and i just want to scream my sister JaLana made the comment one time that the twins have every right to feel entitled and protective of her. that that is their mother so i just should take it and not get offended if they say things to that effect.                          i say that is a crock of crap. we came from the same place and she is just as much MY mom as she is their mom. The only difference is that she did not want me. plain and brutal simple truth. i dont really care what the nicey nicey folks have to say about a mom being the one that raises you and all of that. I felt this connection to her from the start, i saw myself in her. and now she is gone. again.      FOR 31 YEARS I felt that my mom did not want me. I am not going to display everything that she told me because i have learned that sometimes you dont have to say it all for it to be there. it just is. but some of the things she told me i dont know how to deal with. it hurts. and honestly this is the first time i have talked about this. with ANYONE other than my counselor. so excuse me if i ramble and rant and cry and dont make much sense. i dont know how to make sense of this. all i feel is the loss and the rejection and confusion of not knowing how the hell i feel....................Happy Thanksgiving Wendy

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

my grown up christmas wish list

Being an OCD-ish personality type is sometimes exasperating. I can't concentrate...

(not in school,or church, or even at a parent teacher conference in which my 7 yr old's teacher is explaining why it is not acceptable for my daughter to tell her if she doesnt change her tone of voice THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE ISSUES) i make lists

grocery lists,to do lists,things i need to buy for my new house in order of what room they will go in,clothes my kids need,goals for this week- next week- five years,
songs i want to download, people i need to apologize to (i know right),dates to add to my calender, really random quotes and sayings and books, all the un-necessary things that clutter up my mind preventing me from dealing with all the things i NEED to be thinking about.

this being one of those times i decided to go ahead and make my christmas wish list now
let my lusting begin

YANKEE CANDLES (no flowers,fruit or anything that will make my three year old -or dogs- want to eat it)
Yankee Candles Pictures, Images and Photos

TANO BAG AND HOBO CLUTCH (cause you can't have one without the other)
handbag 600x600 Pictures, Images and Photos

Hobo International Belinda Clutch Wallet Pictures, Images and Photos

NECKLACE WITH ALL THREE OF MY KIDS NAMES ON IT Initial Necklace with Wing Charm and Glass Pearl Pictures, Images and Photos

62" BIG SCREEN (gave ours to the ex and did'nt think i'd miss it BUT I DO...SNIFF SNIFF)

big screen TV Pictures, Images and Photos

oh yeah, and a partidge in a pear tree

Partridge in a Pear Tree Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

it's gonna be okay

Last night i had no kids. and i felt like a no-good,horrible,terrible parent...until that is, my boyfriend asked me to go see New Moon...

(okay, so we were out getting something to eat and about to go to WAl-Mart and i might have suggested it and he might have agreed)

but he wanted to ask me to go first i just didnt give him enough time to suggest it.

anyhoo, we went. and the fact that the movie started at 9:05 and we did not leave the theater until 11:30 was not relevant.....I GOT TO SEE BELLA AND EDWARD AGAIN...


and yes, it did not take my breath away like the first one.
and yes, i dont know that i will wake up and fall asleep with the movie on repeat while reading the book listening to the soundtrack on my ipod.


i think it is the intensity and hopefullness that i am so infatuated with.

that and how hard i laughed when Jacob takes his shirt off and the LOUD thunderous gasp from all the teenage (and not so teenage) girls (and boys) in the audience made the movie just what the doctor ordered..

today it's back to work and back to the chaos of 3 kids and 5 dogs (yes i said 5) my dog procreates more than the Duggars.well, maybe not more...yet.

i am kind of sad this week leading up to Thanksgiving. i will be celebrating with mixed feelings. not really looking forward to it actually but i am determined to be in good spirits and a thankful and grateful heart. i should be in Texas.

i havent really spoke about any of that. and i really dont think this is the place. just know i am sad and melancholy and empty. but blessed still the same.

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

why? because someone said so....

why is damnit spelled damnit? Mr. Webster, it should be spelled like it sounds so as to be less confusing for folks like me .it's not pronounced damn-nit, is it?

why is there always ONE whopper that is not quite a "whopper"? i mean, the rest of the batch is not that way. but it never fails, i start to bite in to one, expecting that crunch and then i get to suck on the malt till it just tingly melts into my mouth. that hollow crunchless unmeltable malted milk ball just ruins the whole thing.

(now this one will prob. make no sense to you unless you watch UFC...which i doubt you do) but why does Joe Rogan say "One the button" everytime someone gets knocked out. it's horrendous and to me, is worse than hearing nails scratching across a blackboard...or my kids playing that little flute-a-phone thing......i know, random right!

why is it that people say "I'm just saying" of course you are just saying it. you just said it did'nt you? does saying "I'm just saying" make it more valid that you said it.

what is up with Bath & Body Works and.EVERY.good scent i fall in love with it and get mucho compliments on, i accidentally run out and frantically rush to my nearest mall (which is no small or quick feat for me with 3 kids and zero time) only to have my spirit crushed by some blonde with a voice only her mother could enjoy "i'm sorry, that scent has been discontinued".....what a tease.pfmphhh

where did they come up with the name Blackberry for a phone?

i really do have lots to do besides think up random things that have no purpose taking up this much space in my head....i promise......

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

just run with it Wendy

So yes, i am a dork! Have i told you that before? I own it and admit it without shame or thoughts of changing it anytime soon. When i was younger i tried to be cool, now i am just too busy and exhausted to even pretend.

what made me remind myself of that today, was when i rolled out of bed (well, not out...but i opened my eyes anyway) and heard the "duh-dong" of my blackberry reminding me that i have unchecked emails (and i thought this thing was going to make life easier, instead it constantly reminds me of all the things i have not done yet) so of course i have to check it. i am relieved that it is not a bath and body works, new york and company, or huggies ad, I AM SO SICK OF THEM. but i am afraid i will miss something so i wont unsubscribe.

yes, i am a dork

so i look and it is my words of wisdom for the day. If any of you have seen Run's House, which i love by the way, who needs to Cosby's, Bundy's or the Simpson's when you have the Simmons family. In every show ending he was sitting in the bubble bath with his smart phone typing a message. He calls them Rev Run's words of wisdom. AND I FOUND THE PLACE TO GET THEM...teeheehee. i warned you.

so every morning i am greeted by some tidbit that is witty, yet easily applied to my day to day.todays is especially nifty.

Daily Word
Put on a Happy Face
"of all the things you wear today. your attitude is the most important."

i had to stop and take a second and really reflect on that one. i am going to make an effort today (baby steps) to have a great attitude. hey...i did say TRY

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Monday, November 09, 2009

are you there calgon, it's me, Wendy

whew....glad the weekend is over.

yes, i said it. I AM GLAD THE WEEKEND IS OVER.

We had some friends over Saturday night, and while i was moved to tears that one of them brought me a black wooden cutout of a rooster that i have NO idea where i am going to proudly display, it was still an exhausting 3 days.

Before the rooster bringing friend came over, i worked that morning (which i do twice a month) and while i enjoy the witty banter and stimulating conversation NOT about scooby doo and little pet shop, it is tiring.

not that i have time off on my time off. what with remodeling my house and writing a paper on Anti-communism and McCarthyism for my history class. Then there is the extreme room makeover Ryan and I gave the playroom. Throw in dropping off Kaileigh for a camping trip and picking Emory up from her first sleepover......... i would say that i am exhausted from just typing all that out but i have used that zinger before...

so let me just wrap up my post by saying words few have spoken (at least to me)


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Saturday, November 07, 2009

employment not enjoyment

okay now,

i do not subscribe to the theory that you cannot and should not enjoy your job. quite the contrary i think you should not stay at a job you are not in love with. and i truly do LOVE my job......but i would love it a lot more if i could have time to blog.

all those smokers get an allotted time to go outside and inhale sticks of life shortening paper, why can't i have a "blog break"? i mean, ten minutes a day would improve my work performance and demeaner tremendously.

i wonder if i fill out the suggestions for improvement on one of the comment cards up front if management will go for it????

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I got tired just writing this post

I saw this really neat idea and took it.....i disabled my comments.

i just don't want them. am sick of SOME of them. and just need a break and try to figure out some way to get back to me. to the joy of blogging, of sometimes sharing too much, of not being afraid to tell it and thus ignoring my blog.

it's lonely having to go it all alone. i once blogged so freely and openly and honestly. now i hide my head in the sand and plead whoa is me. I am afraid to check my facebook and myspace
AFRAID I SAY......what a wus i have become!!!

so now i want to get back to the sheer joy of blogging. of writing about MY life and doing it MY way. messing up and starting over each day counting my blessings and forgiving myself my faultss. LIfe is truly great right now.

where to begin? This weekend was pumpkin patch/Halloween costume time. Of course they screamed and ran around the pumpkin patch. Kaileigh tried to play punch the blow up crazy pumpkin, Isaiah was uncontrollable and Emory cried because we would not give her the FULLY LOADED wagon and she had to settle for the empty EXACTLY IDENTICAL wagon...we got the dang pumpkins though........and i went to pay $32 FOR SOME PUMPKINS???!!!?

are you kidding me? Don't they sell them at Wal-mart for like $3 a pumpkin? and why is that not as cool as the pumpkin patch?

ugh! the joys of being a single mom

So after the pumpkin fiasco we headed home. I broke out Isaiah's Scooby Doo costume and he wore it alllllllnight..... wonder how i am going to keep that clean for 5 more days. He sure is cute though.

Taco salad was a hit and before i knew it, it was benedryl, eer, bedtime.

now i can do 5 loads of laundry and write a 7 page paper, set out tommorrow's school clothes and take a shower...and then go to bed myself.

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Monday, October 19, 2009

Not me Monday...the whiney edition

although i did have a grreeat weekend for the most part, i decided to do today's post a little differently. hopefully, i can air my grievances and then move the heck on with here goes.

Once again, the whole idea is to kindof do a backwards post.....

This weekend i DID NOT finally tell off my soon to be ex-husband. After the ten text messages and five phone calls i said enough. i have been taking the approach of less is more. that silence is more powerful than my sharp words but come on. he is under the misconception that after 8 looonnnnggg months i am moving on too soon. and that my facebook,myspace, and blog writing is only meant to embaress him and his family (half of whom i have never met)
so....being the good blogger, what did i do? i blogged about it.

which leads me to this.....after reading said blog i DID NOT get two more very uneccesary and kindof offensive messages which i DID NOT ignore......well, after i read the first one i deleted without reading the second one. can't win for trying. Thought i was being pro-active and putting an end to a very stressful and frustrating situation but alas,

Today i DID NOT call my counselor and schedule an appointment. She is gonna love this new twist of an already delightful situation. She tells me all the time to feel the burn (she is under the impression that i am not dealing with my problems but rather trying to find something to numb what i feel).....hmmmm. now there is a thought.

This weekend is NOT UFC 104 and i am NOT going to spend some much needed fight night time with one of my besties :) very excited thank you very much.

oh wait, that was not whiney. i ran out of things to complain about. Now that i am done i think i will go and have myself a GREAT Monday..........

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Monday, October 12, 2009

Not me Monday

It's time to revisit Not me Monday....a good ol post that i was quite loyal to (until i fell in love with Friend Makin Mondays)

the concept is simple... like backwards day....things that make you say "no, not me" (wink wink,nudge nudge) if I could start the day over, this list is how my day DID NOT GO.....

Today i DID NOT wake up late, miss breakfast and have to endure Miley Cyrus (loudly accompanied by Emory and Isaiah) singing "Party in the USA" three times

Today i DID NOT forget to put on deoderant.......and i DID NOT do the secret armpit smell check randomly all day.....

Today i DID NOT lose my phone, and i really really DID NOT miss it one bit....

Today i DID NOT let the rug right at the front door of my store where i work get caught in the door and then not only DID I NOT fix it....but i DID NOT crack up watching people almost trip..i know right...why is that so funny to me??

Speaking of things i DID NOT do at work.....i most definately DID NOT take the little flashlight with the red laser on it and shine it on peoples forehead,chest and rear end.....and i was hiding so noone knew where it was coming from :)

Today i DID NOT forget that i was going to drink more water...well, maybe i did do that one. :)

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Monday, September 28, 2009

Friend Makin Mondays

This week the topic is

List of things you cannot live without.........

well, straying from the obvious (i.e. air,food,water,my kids and general hospital) i am going to try to list things out of the goes

Yankee Candle Pictures, Images and Photos

The Crue Pictures, Images and Photos

Carmex Pictures, Images and Photos

Berg Trampoline Pictures, Images and Photos

Lucas Crying Pictures, Images and Photos

sweaters and vests Pictures, Images and Photos

Tetris DS Pictures, Images and Photos

dead crab meat, or man meat? Pictures, Images and Photos

IPOD Pictures, Images and Photos

Jason & Sam Pictures, Images and Photos

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

things your kids will never say to you.....

m ommy.......







So there you have it. A list of what I will not hear from my kids...

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Monday, September 21, 2009


This post is going to be called "reasons", cause so many times i am asked to explain myself....which for the most part, i don't even know myself.

let the blogging begin.

REASONS.....i laugh at my kids

~Isaiah says words that only us, his family can understand (for ex; booby is movie, and riber is river-which he calls every puddle of patch of water he sees)
~Emory me if i am jealous of her brown skin because i have to paint mine on (spray tan)
~Kaileigh telling me i am like Madea, but my boobs don't hang quite that low yet...

REASONS.....I DON'T own a gun

~drop off/pick up times for school. dang school parents are the WORST drivers (myself not included)
~Joe Rogan or FlavorFlav on my television
~the neighbors dogs,or chickens, or donkeys...take your pick

REASONS......i think i have a personality disorder

~i eat my skittles,m&m's,or reeces pieces by twos and they have to be the same color or i throw them out the window
~i wear colored hair
~i love UFC

REASONS....i love VH1
~Charm School
~any of the xxxxinsert namexx of love shows
~ Behind the music...cause i am nosey like that :)

REASONS....i still believe in love

~Meredith and Mcdreamy
~Sam and Jason
~Peyton and Lucas

i would have a couple more reasons for you, but it is 5:20pm...time for the long drive home.and kid pick up,dinner,bathtime(hopefully for the kids AND me),homework,bedtime.
and tommorrow i get to get up and do it all over again....

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

humpday recap....

Let's see...where to begin?

hmmmm....okay. work.

i truly LOVE my job. really long hours (when you spend most of your waking hours somewhere NOT with your kids you start to feel guilty)so i do have to remind myself that it is for them and i am not a bad mommy for having to work full time. This is the first year i am not the homeroom mom for both the girls. and Isaiah's birthday party is coming up and this is the first time IN 12 YEARS AND TWO KIDS.... i did not hand make the invites.(please do not take away my parent card,i just did not have time) so yeah. already the party is a failure.....

back to work.i do love it. who would not love being a.)the new single girl that does not have a chest that hangs down to her knees (at least that they can see)and b.) one of FOUR girls working in a home improvement store....
YES,I AM LOVING least as long as i can play the new girl card...
tommorrow is sushi thursday. love me some sushi so this should be interesting...:)

now on to school...
Loving that too. I am almost done with my second class and have a 97% at this it is safe to say i am going to do well. It is a writing class which i can bs my way through so i am not worried and will not until i get to the math classes which is class 9....check back then and i may hate it by then. mostly i am so happy to be doing something productive with my life that i just love it all. stress and homework included..

my kids...
are good.Kaileigh is trying to be a teenager. and i am trying to hold her back...she has a facebook now (which i stalk obsessively)and is on the phone ALL THE TIME... i just want her to be a kid as long as she can, is that so horrible of me. she has so long to be grown..
Emory is good. thriving in school and goes to the boys and girls club afterschool (which she loves) so not much to report as far as she goes(which is great,cause she is my prison or president could go either way with that one)
Isaiah turns 3 in 3 days. sniff sniff. not sure how i am thinking about that one.he is my baby after all and I just dont know if i want to think of him as a THREE YEAR OLD. he did start preschool(you have to be 3 to go there. No babies, and they are serious about being SCHOOL)which he loves. He thinks he is such the big boy, just like his two sissies.....very cute.sniff sniff
i am sure i will have lots of pics soon of the big 3

I could spill many secrets on the love life,but Jan always preached the power of a lady so i will keep those to myself. Let's just say in true Wendy fashion it is drama filled and when i can i will update.
until then. i need to finsih some laundry..and a paper or three, so i need to go.

Love you mom...and think of you daily.....:)

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Survey says

Now I Know My ABC's


Take this survey

A - Age:
31....old my daughter says
B - Bed size:
king..wish i was there now
C - Chinese Food Dish:
house fried rice MONG DYNASTY
D - Dentist name:
Dr. Watts
E - Early Bird or Night Owl?
with this schedule. early bird
F - Favorite color:
G - Gold or Silver:
white gold
H - Height:
I - Ink as in tatto's you have:
two..going on 5
J - Job title:
K - Kitchen Meal or Restaurant?
L - Living arrangements:
me and my babies
M - Month of birth:
N - Nicknames:
Breezy and Wen
O - On time or late:
always late
P - Pet Peeve:
rude kids and stupid girls
Q - Quote from a movie:
"all i have to do is stay black and die" ~Lean on me
R - Right or left handed:
depends on what i am doing
S - Siblings:
lately they are coming out of the woodwork :) 3 sisters, 1 brother
T - Time you wake up:
too early
U - Urgent thing on your to do list:
go to the bathroom
V - Vegetable you dislike:
W - Wishing for:
my first paycheck :)
X - X-rays you've had:
with 15 kidney stones and 3 kids. too many to count
Y - Yummy food you make:
meatloaf, pork chops, 4 layer potatos, green bean bundles
Z - Zoo Favorite:


MySpace Surveys

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Thursday, September 10, 2009


okay, so i had a post all typed and ready to post and for some reason all it said was
Is is Monday???

man is that the truth. so the whole long post i spent so much time gone. and i am so stinking tired that i can not redo it right now. i will fix it...i promise.

until then, i love you mom :) i know i know, i am killing you with the non-computer activity but this work and school and baby thing is killing me. catch up is coming but until then i love you lots and think about you every day

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is it Monday???

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Monday, September 07, 2009

Friend Making Mondays

i always plan to do other posts during the week, but somehow this is the only post i do on a regular basis...hmmmmm..... i just can't help it. i love it. so here is my FRIEND MAKING MONDAY POST......

Kelsey @ ALL THAT IS GOOD is just getting back from vacay so someone else is hosting. but this week is a good one; and it is on my FAVORITE subject....fall. i truly do love fall more than any other time other than Christmas. and this year i have more reasons to look forward to it, CAUSE I GET TO MEET MY FAMILY... long story short. i am adopted and have just recently been reunited with my family. i will meet some of my family for the first time on Thanksgiving. yes, deep i know. check my previous posts for the whole story. as my mom and I agree, we need to write a screenplay for a lifetime movie...until then, you get my blog..... :)

What are some of your favorite things about fall?

this has got to be my most favorite time of year. From the candle scents to the outdoor colors i just love it all. sweaters and crisp air.....i just love it!!!

here is my list...

Yankee Candle Pictures, Images and Photos

Owls n Pumpkins Fleece Pillowcase Dress by Pictures, Images and Photos



Colorful long ride Pictures, Images and Photos


Sunday, September 06, 2009

okay mom......i get it. :)

so as my mom has reminded me repeatedly it's no longer Friend Making Monday (although, in all reality i am writing this so late it is in fact Monday) but anyways, let's see if i can make some sort of sense of the screaming mess in my head.

it's been nuts to say the least. and so much is about to be changing in my life (hopefully for the better) i should have been trying to remember to breathe and enjoy the down time.

but i don't do down time very well.

i start a new job on Tuesday. a real job. i am going to work for a local home improvement store as a inside sales assistant buyer for the lighting department. basically my desk is in the middle of the store and i take the orders for the outside sales guys (like when they go to a contractor office or job site) and i will handle all the inside orders as well. i am excited. very out of the norm for me. never been in construction or anything like that but the money is good and i love home decor so it should be a fun job for me.
still in school and still loving every second of it. i am finding it is something i am good at and it is building my self esteem and sense of self worth up. good things...

on the love front. not really sure what is up with that. if Dan had his way we would be back together....i just don't know though. i am not going to take any of this for granted. i am not going to let myself get back in a rut and unhappy again. i just can't.
so i just go day by day and just live as though "it is what it is" and hopefully the rest will work itself out. i really liked the guy i refer to as silly boy. he, on the other hand, liked to sleep around. and i am just too old for that. so as hard as it is i just had to walk away from that one. i did have this thought though that i will share now.

So i don't know if you picked this up or not, but lately it has been one thing after another for me.

lose my job,lose my husband,lose my house,lose my mind, become a raging alcoholic,decide maybe i am not an alcoholic i just have issues so i check into detox,
oh wait, i missed the DWI-finding my birth family and major drama with my adopted family, find mr. perfect and he decides to be just mr.perfect right now, start back to college,get a full time job. and my ex wants to get back together....and did i mention that i have 3 kids?and that is all in the span of 4 MONTHS!

Needless to say, i have no idea what i want. well, let me take that back. i do want peace, to keep on lauging at myself and life, and fun. and to be able to balance my time as Wendy and my time as mommy.

maybe the correct statement should be i dont know what i want for my heart. but what the hell, that has gotten me in so much chaos maybe what i want for my heart is to just want me. to be in love with myself (i know if you look that up on wikipedia that would say conceited by it) but really. it's not like you NEED a man. They do make batteries that run these nifty little gadgets that make men almost obsolete this days.....just sayin.

i started this idea when mr. perfect silly boy asked me if we could be good friends.( i know, ouch right) this is a good idea in thought but not very practical.

it is a phrase used by someone who wants out of a relationship (or in our case a non-relationship).

falling in love carries us beyond our customary limits of self expression and puts us into territory that puts our sense of self at risk. it's like you are putting your heart in the hands of someone else for safekeeping and that kind of interdependance on someone else is a devestating experience.

Of course you will have feelings of being less of yourself. because you feel like some part of you is missing.
Rational thinking? maybe not. but nonetheless the heart just wants what it wants. it does not have to make sense.

for me, grieving is a gradual process. Trying to find someway to extract the "I" from the vanishing "we".
grieving provides a way-the only way- for me to retrieve what i have invested in someone. Even if that time was long in length or wide in expectations.
all love stories end-even those that last a lifetime.

now don't get me wrong. i am an optimist and a romantic (just look, i have held out for two years that Sam and Jason on General Hospital will get back together and last week they did it) oh happy day :)

what my point is to all of this rambling. what i have so clearly seen these past couple of weeks is not that i should be sad, or feel like an idiot for caring about someone who can't care about me (or doesnt want to care) it is that there is more to gain than just surviving the break-up (which we all do. breaking up does not kill you) there is this possibility of becoming more than you were, more able to understand and undertake the experience of love in all of its sadness as well as joy.

so you see, i guess the best way to describe how i am feeling right now is that i am a work in progress. some days are better than others and i am just doing the best i can......

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Monday, August 31, 2009

Friend Making Mondays

It has been a really long time since I have done a Friend Making Monday post. so I decided to start here. Visit Amber , for her 20 Questions idea and if you want to find out more about friend making mondays, the button is on the side bar of my here goes

20 Questions

1. Do you cook every night?
no. honestly i do not. i do cook some nights (3 or 4). something i do like to do though is to let my 12 year old Kaileigh TRY to cook dinner. i think it is teaching her a useful skill for the future and she likes to think she is it gives me time to do other things (cause you know with 3 kids there is never enough time)

2. What kind of laundry detergent do you use & why?
Tide, Tide, Tide. i can't get enough of that smell. Walking into my laundry room while the washing machine is going is almost better than Burnt Cider candles (i did say almost)

3. Do you do laundry everyday for loads at a time? i am not ashamed to admit that my laundry is never caught up. i mean, really. who has their laundry caught up ALL the time on a regular basis except maybe Kate G...need i say more? LOL

4. How often do you eat out per week? depends on who is paying

5. Where do you usually eat out? Mong Dynasty, Charlie's Chicken, Red Lobster and the old time family tradition of McDonald's (or as Isaiah says Donald Ducks)

6. What is your favorite retail store? Kirklands,Gordman's, and i just can't be original here but i live at Wal-Mart

7. What's your favorite thing to drink? it used to be Dr. Pepper but i must admit lately it has been Orange Fanta (and my daughter sings the dumb commercial song everytime annoying the snot out of me)

8. Do you take vitamins? no. none

9. What percentage of the household chores to you do? Depends on what i can cajole or bribe my kids to help me out with....hahahah. not really. they do have their chores and i have i would say it is 70/40

10. Do your children do chores? Kaileigh does dishes, trash and feeds the dogs
Emory makes the mess and then cries when she is asked to pick them up (i dont care though you mess it up you pick it up in this house) even Isaiah...for the most part

11. Do you go to church? yes. sometimes. okay, not as much as we should

12. Do you have a housework schedule? No.

13. Do you keep a working budget? I couldn't live without it. Being a single mom, in school. have to have a budget (not that it "works" all the time for me though)

14. What do you do at night as a family? Dinner, homework, we sometimes go to the dog park (we have 4 dogs) or to the library. Depends on how much time we have

15. How do you prepare yourself for a new week?
I journal alot. It makes me feel clear and able to process all that goes on in my crazy life. I can look back on my thoughts from time to time and see how i have come out of situations i did not know if i was gonna be able to handle.

16. What do your mornings look like?
crazy. hectic. but lots of giggles and always end with kids getting out of the car screaming "love you mom, sis, bub" and i love hearing Isaiah scream back "wuv you honey, good day cool" he got that from me because i always say "love you honey, have a good day at school" it really is a sight. the girls have gotten used to it so they don't close the door till they hear us both say it. and he smiles, feeling like a big boy showing his women he loves them....

17. What time do you get up in the morning?
at a time that used to be obscene to me. but really 6am is not so early i know.

18. What time do you go to bed at night?
never at the same time. depends on my homework or if i am reading a good book, or online (which is not a good idea for me at night i just cant shut it off :) usually 11 or 12

19. How do you manage all of the paperwork that floods into your household? i have a box that i keep important school papers in, a bill sorter,and the trash can where papers go in their right place as it comes in. Otherwise with 3 kids it gets to be too much

20. How so you keep your household organized?
i have a write on calender that i record all the events of the month,week and day. We just stick to our routine cause otherwise it gets really crazy

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no, i am not dead

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

So it has been awhile, and really i am not quite sure why i have waited so long to post.So much has gone on. Rehab and Re-Wendy i guess you could say, old friends, new friends,school, life.... alot.

good and bad i am just more determined than every to live it to the fullest. To kiss my kids until they plead with me to stop,remember to tell people that i appreciate them, not stress on those things that really could be worse and that i have no control over. To not forget to live my life while i am waiting for whatever i think is supposed to happen.

okay, so with that said. let me stalk other people's blogs until i find some funny blog assignment to come back with.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

from drunk girl to detox...

There will be some who question why i post this. i believe that the writer does not choose what to write, that she writes what is given her to write.
so this is what i had slapped in my face recently.

As i posted i had so much going on this past weekend. party or two, a date with a new boy that seemed NOT to be sometimey, seeing my mom (Jan) on her bday and a slumber party with Elaine. Truly a busy fun weekend.

cue the danger music… dun dun dun........detox was not in the plan. by any means. on any level.

so imagine the sheer terror when i found myself making plans to go. Really started as this way to humor my dad but the more humoring I did the more sense it made and the more I could not talk myself out of needing to go. And then me Thinking I would have time to plan, alcohol to drink, tears to cry, um....doesnt work that way.
well, the time to plan part.

Susie told me to be at NAME HAS BEEN OMITED IN CASE SOMEONE READS THIS THAT WORKS THERE AND I HAVE TO GO BACK….at 3pm (and it was 12:45) so I did what you do when you are fixing to go to alcohol treatment. You buy a liter of R&R and drink yourself unappropriate. Dan (my husband) came home to me having a panic attack ( i was at his house at the time since he was gonna be the one to take me) what the heck was i thinking? What if they would not let me leave? Would anyone remember me? Okay, so it was just a few days but IT WAS REHAB!!! AT A PLACE THAT USED TO HAVE THE WORD BATES IN THE TITLE.....

I really don't remember much of intake. i was led to room two (remember being so thankful to the orderly for giving me my special favorite number room so that must mean i was going to have lots of fun)......sure lady

had my bag searched and she took my wallet...but GASP....she left my phone. So of course i proceeded to pretend i needed to take a nap, curled up on my nasty bed and made a phone call.
(sidenote: i do not remember this but said person on the other end of the phone said i was quite mean to the young lady that saw me on my phone and told on me. i do know i called her a name that has skank at the beginning and something else in it not too Christian of me to post online so I will let you fill in the blanks… and she left shortly after that) already starting out good huh!

Then i heard those words that all unstable people loves to hear...time for meds. i would hear those words many times of the next few days.

days blur together and I don’t ever really remembering what day it was or really what time it was. I do remember asking what time it was only to be told not time for meds yet….um, are we seeing a pattern here? there is not a whole lot to do in detox but write in my journal (and since i was doped up that will prob never see the light of my blog), read 1985 Good Housekeeping, smoke breaks every 45 min (and i dont smoke) and oh yes, med times.
I really did this for 3 days. i can remember just laying there and crying. Staring at the peeling paint (and who the hell came up with the color Insane asylum white, they need to be poked with a hot flat iron in parts that will drive them as crazy as this paint job made me…

Anhoo, back to my sob story. Chow time, as it is called, sucked. That is all I can say. One day we had what tasted like spam that they molded to look like a hamburger and added a little soy sauce for coloring with chocolate pudding that you had to scrape the skin off of it to eat. Stop laughing, this seriously did suck. Another day we had nachos which I did eat and I seriously could not tell you what I had the rest of the time cause I was that doped up. I will say one of the highlights was smuggled pizza night. Since I am not in AA and who the hell cares if this is anonymous cause I don’t know her last name and I doubt she knows what or how to work a computer is Kathy. Kathy is a hoot. She got out there with me and danced in the rain during a smoke break (which could end up on youtube cause steve was kind of suspect and we were in t-shirts…or I was anyway. Anyhow back to Kathy) she called her husband who she seriously called big D (and his name is Tom so you can imagine what the d stood for) and told him to order us a pizza put it on his credit card and have it delivered to the side door and we would get it. And thank the heavens for big d. he called the pizza man and Stephanie and me snuck out the side door (really secure place huh) and got our pizza. CLAWWWDIA our warden, I mean mental health tech or whatever dumb name she is was TICKED “jew do not go outside of dis unit wifout me!!”

Need I describe CLAWWDIA for you???

So yes, pizza party in rehab. Good times good times.

So day 3. By then you can imagine my enjoyment of the meds had wore off and I was just sick of the peeling paint, sick of being on a diet, of having to walk like a herd of cattle cause we were the “detoxers” and can “fwatanize” as Clawwdia calls it with anyone. I was tired of looking at the phone and being sad because no one called. Just tired of it all. The last straw was Gordon the moron telling me to sign the papers to stay 6 weeks “cause I had really good insurance” and the dang pills…so I signed myself out and made misty come and get me. Didn’t tell anyone, just left.

I will tell you this. I was never happier to talk to my mom, my sister Nicole (that really meant a lot girl),Misty, Syard, and especially you will know who you are. To know that someone does care and that it does matter…mattered. Even hearing my dad’s voice was nice to hear. You just don’t really realize how out of control you are until your 6 year old talks about the store where you get suckers and asks her godmother “do you drink r&r too” and I could tell you a lot worse but then you would stop reading my blog so I will stop at it was time.

I got out that first day and had to sleep the meds off for awhile. A long while! But when I got up I decided to go walk. Since I was at Misty’s in Fayetteville I walked all the way down Zion. I stopped to look at the pond, the huge American flag, smiled at the music and the people sitting on the deck at whatever that Mexican resteraunt, I was gonna turn around but I turned onto Crossover and kept walking. I walked all the way to the liquor store and I went in.

This is the part that really makes me proud. I walked up to my very good friend joe. And I got a orange crush. And I left. Without the slightest interest in getting a drink. It was just that simple. Until I started walking down Joyce and had to ask myself what the heck I was thinking I had just been drugged for 3 days and now I am walking a freaking marathon. So I took the shortcut down Mission (this time not at 6am and I did not have any heels in my hand or a mini-skirt on…hahahahaha) so I was cool. Made it back to mistys very tired, legs on fire, but very proud of this first step. I just might be okay with this whole not drinking thing after all. At least for today….

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Sunday, August 09, 2009

weekend wrap-up

This weekend was great! one much needed time to relax, blow out some bday candles, spend time with an old friend and just enjoy how good life really is.

Kaileigh turned 12 on the 7th. 12? REALLY? i am that old that i have a 12yr old? we will not dwell on that thought for too long but instead move on to the pictures of her slumber party. overall a hit, for the 6 screaming 11 yr olds and my two other screaming even louder kids (Emory and Isaiah) crashing the party.

yes, that is a total of 8 kids and me......need i say more.

Next day mommy (that is me) got to go my friend Rae's house. Rae and i have been friends since like 6th grade (dont do the math, think plus 20 years) one of my oldest friends who for a brief spell we lost touch. But she is up here now and back in full force in my life. i missed her so much and can't say enough how fantastic she is. She is the girl that everyone wants to be around. funny, witty, she is a FANTASTIC artist and beautiful to boot (yeah you are detecting some jealousy there) all kidding aside. i do have some kindof sometime-y friends but she has never been one of them. really fantastic chick.

anyway, she had a girls night. so i braved the boondocks where she lives and went out for some good food, great wine and lots of laughs with some really groovy ladies i had never met. it was a blast.

Rae's little sister Trista, last time I saw her she was 11 or 12....loving the purple hair...

Some of the girls....leave it to me to be holding the wine glass

My fantastic fun friend Rae and myself

so now here i am. started out having a horrible, no good, terrible day on Thursday and on Sunday i am reminded that in my heart lives a God that only wants the best for me. He provides when i least expect OR DESERVE it and I am humbled. very flawed and fallen. but so appreciative for all the great things that he still gives me inspite of myself. I am just really thankful today.

tommorrow may be another story, but today i am good. :)

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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

it's your fault i am not asleep......

so yes, i did get my homework done so at least i can say i got one thing done. the rest of the time i have been feverishly making a cd of all my favorite life changing songs..and here they are and the meaning behind them...

this is for you mom

In My Daughter's Eyes... this is the song i have sung to my girls for as long as i can remember

I Wonder...needs no explanation

I Was Here... wishful thinking on my part

The Best and Kaileigh's special song. we sing this full blast holding hands..everytime we hear it. our first solo date was to see Taylor Swift sing this live

Angels....just love a man that can sing

Daddy....danced at my wedding (only time i have danced with daddy) to this song

Wasted....just love the words

Alter To The Door....see above

O Holy favorite christmas song can belt this out like nobody's business

On My Knees....cause that is where i need to be..alot

Where I Stood....for dan...the what if he found someone new to replace me song

You Were Mine....when i found out L had a new g-friend

Taking Chances....a good pick me up

Somewhere Out a kid i remember singing this to you..

I Run To You....our current song of choice to sing and dance to (little man knows ALL the words though he can't say them clearly yet)

Wide Open Spaces....sang this on repeat as i moved from Ft. Smith to Fayetteville nine years ago.

Held...long story. will fill you in sometime

If This World Were Mine....danced at my wedding to this song. first song.

so there it is. your driving home soundtrack. Had a blast, and as always it went by too fast. be there soon, but not soon enough.

love you mom!!

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