Monday, June 22, 2009

Music Mondays

Decided to get back to a somewhat regular blogging routine again (nothing like having something to ACTUALLY talk about instead of mindless, but fun posts about my favorite 80's toy or humiliation brought on by any one of my 3 children)

so here we go.

This is a new blog I have never visited before. The blog is called Liberal Lollygagging and the Post is called
Monday Music

here is how it works;

I love music. I love to find out about new (to me) music. Sometimes, I find that music speaks for me better than I would in a situation. Every Monday Christina puts up a song that is currently speaking for her.... So, join the fun! What song is currently speaking for you? Visit her blog and Add your post to Mr. Linky

pssss...some of the best songs i have discovered on other people's is mine

(backstory) As i have been blogging about non-stop lately, my birthmother and i have been reunited. i was adopted at birth and have known since i was 10 that "Maureen" was out there somewhere. So the first time i heard this song the tears could not fall down my cheeks fast enough for the next ones to come. And even now after finding her it is still such a raw numbness where all that confusion and lonlieness was. I am not mad or hurt or angry anymore, but for a long time i was. It was the question "are you thinking about me" For so long this was my song. Now I am gonna share it with you.

The song is called "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler.

"I Wonder"
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day

I can honestly say I have never, not one time, thought of my biological father on this day. mean, not intentional. self-absorbed, maybe. but today i made an effort to think of him. To wonder how he is and what he would think of me (and prob. with my sister JaLana's help) finding him and saying "hey, guess what?"

i just can't seeing myself do that though. it was always about her. finding her, seeing what she looked like, hearing her has never been about him.

does that make me lacking in the family gene somewhere?

my own dad, Alan, is amazing. gentle and soft spoken, i think the only time i have ever seen him angry has been at me......but i did deserve it of course. In high school i would tell him my car was making a funny noise and he would test drive it and come back with a full tank (and trust me, when he left the light was on). i don't know if anyone has a bad word to say about him, i can't imagine what it would be....

but what about John???

i have learned that is his name, John. Don't have an emotion that comes to mind that i could describe for you hearing his name except for...oh, so that's it. John. I would love to see a picture though. from the records i got from Sellers I always thought i took after him. we have alot of the same physical characteristics and interests on paper (i have since found out my mom filled all that out and she thinks i dont look like him) so i have had to process that. being wrong about who i take after. It truly was one of the things i wondered about. who i looked like, who i acted like, who i could identify with....and i have been fulfilled with meeting my mom. i have.

she is amazing in so many ways. mostly the feeling of FINALLY... of peace and that i don't have to carry this around anymore. While she lived a life in which noone knew...if you know me you know my search for her. And that is not a bad thing it is just stating a fact.

I am going to visit my mom soon. and my kids are coming.......brave lady to take on all of us I will say that. She went from a mom of twins,, to a mom of 3 with 3 grandkids. That has to be alot to process.
My grandmother her mother (mimi) has reached out to me and i have emailed her back. that is kindof a new experience for me as i have never had grandparents that i knew or was close with (i greatly loved my grandma Irene, who i am named after, but she died in 98 and lived hours away so i never really saw her much) I am excited to talk to her, as she was the first one to hold me. And as a mom i can't imagine how i would feel if my baby was giving up her baby.

but it's late and one of my babies is pulling on my knees and begging for a huppy (cup of milk) goodnight

and Happy Father's Day John....wherever you are

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

another hard day at the office for me....

just had to wear those mickey mouse clubhouse floaties....

at least now they are on his arms....

she was screaming at the top of her lungs "who needs spiderman, I am Emory" (THAT'S MY GIRL).....

just like my life right now...upside down......

enough with the camera mom. i am slipping and could kind of use your help.. HER WORDS NOT MINE.....

putting those floaties to good use....

I am a professional daredevil...dont try this at home......

she asked me if she was "fly" after I took this picture...ummmm huh?

had to get the towel placement in just the right spot....

i hate those floaties...almost as much as i hate mickey mouse.....

my fish....

as much as i hate pictures of myself i took these anyway and Emory wanted them posted so here goes, anything for one of my two best girls.....

so now i am going to bed. childless and bored (kids are at their dads) and you would think i could find something else to do besides blog...but when else do i have the my sunburnt body says thanks for making it all the way to the end of this post. i just could'nt help it, i think my kids are so dang cute.....

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Nothing too exciting

Today was just another day....

but I did get to go to Denney's. Not my favorite place to eat (that would be Red Lobster) but a close second. Love me some eggs and toast and Isaiah and Emory had a good time too which always makes it better.

but while I was sitting there got a text from someone I used to love. Telling me that I needed to take a picture of her and me off of my facebook cause "she was not my friend" .....ouch.
I am so far from perfect I do recognize this. but to have it so coldly reminded in a text really was a kick in the gut. But I removed the picture and tried not to be sad the rest of the day. And something tells me she will read this and be pissed off all over again so my advice to her is
"Quit stalking me online and you will not be reminded of what a piece of crap you think I am"


but anyway, par for the course with this chick......

I did squeeze in a trip to the dog park for the two kids I have left (Kaileigh is at camp) and Brady which they, not so much cause it was a million degrees and you have to pick up the poop before you leave in these handy bags they provide for you (how generous)

got home and forced the kids to go to bed....did get to lay on my trampoline by myself. that is truly my all time favorite place in my house. at night. silent. stars. ipod......priceless

came inside and saw the most precious words...internet connected.

i have wireless internet and it likes to be fickle and not connect for long stretches of time. but tonight it was kind and let me update everything. Got to email my sisters (still love saying that. it will never grow old for me or be something I don't treasure) and even saw my picture on my mom's page. We have been a little cautious cause some people don't know, but seeing my picture on her page was a strange sort of validation that felt wonderful. And one of my sisters commented on the pic in a way that people will know we are related so that was ever better.

It truly does get better with time.

so anyway, it's late. I have to be up early to be a model at a class for my hairdresser friend that will have some "new trend" to try on my already fragile hair........ah the life of the brave.

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Monday, June 15, 2009

a trip to the library, sweating it out at the park, and smooshing lightning bugs on my legs has pooped me out

It is two am and I am still awake...why you ask?

couldn't tell you.....

I do absolutely adore the sound of my ipod music in one ear, and the mixture of kids snoring in my bed and rain falling outside my open window in the other ear. very peaceful and a great indicator of all the glorious me time I will have if I can just keep my eyes open.....not looking to hopeful that I will get to enjoy it for very long though.

it has been another busy one for the books though (but by the way my June has gone that is not really a suprise now is it) my dog had puppies (3, and thankfully these all lived) Kaileigh made it camp and is having a great time I am sure, Emory went to visit her dad for a week, and Isaiah is, welll , he is two. so that should tell you how he is.

I will admit I am getting used to the whole "hello I am your mother" thing really easy. almost too easy. It's a comfortable easy feeling talking to her. Almost like I have been doing it my whole life. And I guess in a way I have, just not really getting much of a response back. I can say though that the response I get back now more than makes up for it. So it's all good.

Maureen did tell my other sister. So now both of the twins know. I still struggle with how to start up some kind of contact. I don't want to be pushy, but I find myself wanting to be the big sister. To be a part of their circle. Maybe it's the me that never really fit in before wanting to be "in" with the cool popular girls, but I can't help it. They are my sisters and I want to know them. I guess in good time all will be the way it is meant to be. We did find each other after all right?

Today was a fun mommy day. I tend to do that when I am stressing about life (which I do alot of lately) so after an all to early wake up call we headed off to the library. Emory got signed up for the summer book club (man, I sound like a dorky mom I know but she thinks it is the coolest thing ever and I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise) and we chased Isaiah around while he screamed fishy (but it sounded like a vulgar word I will not repeat EVER) . But they had fun and I got a workout.

After not much of a nap we headed off to the park where my son the daredevil climbed on the monkey bars meant for the older kids. Why put the toddler area right next to the big kids area? I mean, come on, you know they see the puny equipment they have and then the super cool and dangerous equipment the big kids get and what do you think they are thinking "oh, this is so much safer, I think I will stay on the slide with the two steps versus the one with the 25 steps"

nawww, not my children!!

So after my heart slowed down we headed home. All in all a good mommy day. But the fun for me came when Emory and I went out to the trampoline and just lay there looking at the stars (and tried to ignore the nearby chicken houses smell).

We talked about life and then caught lightning bugs. I told her if you smoosh them on your skin it will glow. I thought it would freak her out, cause she is obsessed with death right now but she was pumped. So we smooshed........and she loved every second of it.

topped off the night by talking to my mom for awhile. which i needed. I really love that woman!!!! okay, so i am going to try to get to bed now........wish me luck

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

June 11,2009

Today is a bittersweet day for me. 5 years ago i sat in a parking lot debating on whether or not to go inside Jose's resteraunt (sp?) or not. There was this boy that had asked me to meet him for drinks and i really did not know what to think of him. Shy and quite i would see him from time to time when he came into the salon where i worked doing massage. He got his hair cut there you see.

But i did go in. We talked and a year later on June 11,2009 i married him. As is usually the case life was really good. We had a lot of people fooled that we had the storybook life (heck, i was even fooled myself) so i really can't tell you why today instead of celebrating my anniversary and looking forward to many great years ahead with this man i am looking ahead to divorce court and custody arrangements.
but i am not crying...(not yet anyway)
i have always been the one that stayed too long, tried so hard it was smothering or just been so dysfunctional that we ended up hating each other. i don't do the right thing (it seems) in love. So i think that it is taking all the courage and maturity i have to start over. i don't see it as a failure but more like a lesson learned. And i have learned alot about myself. Isnt that really all you can hope for from situations like this.
so don't feel sad for me. and don't think i feel sad for myself. although, like i have said many times in the last couple of months. i don't really know how i feel.....

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

not so bad, not so great day.

let's see, what have i been up to?

not really a whole lot. School starts soon so i am getting ready for that. i decided that i want a stress-less job so since this is the hotel capital of the world i am gonna try to find a job in a hotel. very random i know, but i have always been that way. growing up i went back and forth between teacher, interior decorator and cab driver. if that is not random enough for you, i was gonna be a pop/movie star somewhere in all of that.

now i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up.

i am finally over my feelings of extreme irriation/frustration with my son. i tell you that kid is into EVERYTHING. this morning he dumped a whole box of cheerios in the bathtub and then turned on the water. then he led me into the bathroom screaming "im hungry"

so yeah, kind of exasperating.

the kids are out of school (blugh) and are constantly bored.....(which makes me want to go into their rooms and throw everything away.....since they have noting to do why is their junk taking up my space) so we are doing the swimming, library, friend house thing for awhile. Kaileigh is going to a christian camp next week and is counting down the hours till time to go. Emory is spending time with her father and isaiah is dumping cheerios in the bathtub and pulling the dogs hears.......that was exhausting just to type, imagine living it.

me, not working is good and bad. good cause i have time to get everything in order due to the move and getting ready for school (x-ray tech by the way) bad because i feel like a bum.

oh yeah, did i mention my dog had her puppies. AGAIN. they really are cute but we just did this 5 months ago and my procrastination of getting her fixed obviously bit me in the behind. they are cute. two dapple and one brown (pictures to follow when mommy stops growling at me) now i gotta find a home for them and explain to my kids why we can't keep them (we have 3 already)

going to see my mom soon and that will be very exciting (i will be a ball of nerves i am sure) this is a good thing though and i just have to work through it. i am just thankful that she wants to be a real and present relationship in my life. she is going to tell my other sister (one does know) and i really don't know what to think about that. this has just all seemed so smooth. not at all like the other lifetime movies i have seen :) so someone has to give us some grief at some point right??? please don't let it be my sister. i don't know if i could take that. it is still nuts to think that i am a big sister. i mean, i have a younger brother but this just feels different. if i lost you sorry, i am rambling today. anyway, that will happen this weekend so fingers crossed it goes okay.

someone asked me if i have looked for my birth father or not and i really have not. Don't know why it was so important for me to find her but not him. i never had that burning desire and don't really know where to start. i do have a name though so we will see what comes of that. my sister JaLana is stalking i mean looking online so maybe she can find something.

so that is my not so bad, not so great day. no complaints just a day. now i am off to go walk in the park. i don't have the kiddos tonight and i fully intend to savor every second of ME time.

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Monday, June 08, 2009

one month to live

So during our visit my mom gave me this book, i really recomend it and i have just started it. It's called "One Month to Live" by Chris and Kerry Shook. basically it is about living your best life authentically and passionately. To live like you just have one month to live.

i am using it like a sort of daily devotional and today's was kind of a raw nerve i did not know i had. As i process all the new emotions i am going through i am really going to have to evaluate myself and my life goals will have to change. It is going to be tough because I think for so long i used my need to find and know Maureen as a crutch. My excuse to be half a person and i held on to the whole that was there by not having her in my life. i don't know that i ever really thought of how i would feel WHEN we found each other because i don't think i ever thought we would. So while on every list i have ever made of "what would i change in my life" has always said FIND MAUREEN. That truly was the one thing in my life i wanted.

what do you do after that comes true?

i am kind of thrown on that one. Don't get me wrong i am beyond thrilled. Each day i see that i am not dreaming and that she is not going anywhere. She told me before she left that she was afraid that i would be disappointed. That i had for so long built up this experience that after it happened i would somehow wish for someone else and i can wholeheartedly say i know that to be untrue. i know it because i told her very certainly that i don't care if she is the best person or the worst person, i will love her because she is mine. don't know if that makes any sense or not but that is all i got.

The first part of the book talks about "one little dash". The author says that you don't have control over much in your life but you do have control of how you live your "one little dash" (that little line between the date of your birth and the date of you death on your tombstone) i just love that thought. and i want my one little dash to be full of so much more than straight lines. I want the twists and turns and full circles that come with living fully and passionately with the wisdom to change what i can and the acceptance of what i can't (okay, that was bit like a hallmark card, or some of the serenity prayer---i know i am a cornball sometimes) but it is the truth.

now if i could just figure out how to do that?

i do know that for me, some of the most meaningful moments of the journey is that point when i learn something about myself and the light bulb comes on. To realize that i am not as great as i thought i was but that i can work on getting better, doing better, being better.
so while i don't know what is going to happen, what my new life goals will be or will i be able to meet them i am going to do it with my whole heart and enjoy the ride.
it's entirely too early for me to be up and soon i will have a two year old begging to watch "doobee doobee doo" (translation: scooby doo) so i need to at least try to sleep.

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Sunday, June 07, 2009

Saturday, June 06, 2009

putting a face to a name

well, where do i start?

i am happy to report that my heart has slowed down, and is beating normally again. what a week i have had. yesterday was something i don't think i can really describe in words, but here goes my attempt.

i made myself run errands most of the morning so i would not be pacing (and screaming at my kids)
got a little carried away with the spray tan, but oh well at least i did not look like a chemo patient in need of sunlight, went to visit Alicia at the beauty supply store, was gonna vacuum and wash the ford but vetoed that idea
and then i went home.

like i said, i was not going to plan what i wore. so i just put on my favorite shirt (isnt it funny how you can revisit clothes and wonder why you used to think you looked so hot in something when in kind of did not) still love that shirt though, and it covered up some of the spray tan mess.

as i was sitting there re-reading letters i had written to "Maureen" over the years i get a text.

"i'm here"

i dropped a bunch of the papers on the floor and went to open the door. and sitting in my driveway is my mom. and the part that i can't describe in anyway you would understand is the feeling i got when i looked at her, and i was looking at myself. especially the eyes, man, that part was nuts!!

we kind of met halfway and she just wrapped her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug i think i have ever received. Being a sensory person i could not help but breathe her in. i forgot to ask her what kind of perfume she wears but i will never forget that smell. wonderful comfortable, loving smell.

so we both kind of stood there for awhile and then we went inside. talking to her was such a free-ing peaceful thing. Hearing my history and all the things my family has in common just gave me this feeling of "ah-ha" i do fit in, that did come from somewhere. She did not know much about my dad. and you know what, that is okay. this is enough to process for right now. i got to ask questions and hear stories and mainly i heard how she did think of me, it did bother her (although she feels she did the right thing) and she does love me. what more can i ask for?

the fact that Mauren does events (which i have been doing for awhile) one of my sisters just got her license to do hair (which i did) and the other one is going to finish massage therapy school (which i also did). Maureen showed me pictures of my aunt and i favor her too. it was just so neat. (i do have pictures but for some reason i can't upload them but i will post asap)

she gave me a ring. it was a ring that she wore when she was 16 and it is so dainty and precious and i don't ever want to take it off. She also gave me two teacup/saucer antiques that her va-va
(pronounced vu-va if that makes any sense) which is portuguese for grandma. Yes, my family is portuguese and spanish (which Kaileigh thinks is so cool, she brought home her spanish dictionary from school and is driving me nuts telling me we need to learn spanish).
i also got a ton of pictures of aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents and various relatives. the ones i cherish the most are of my mom, her husband Eddie and my sisters (who i can't wait to meet) i just wonder what they will think of having a big sister? that should be interesting.
she gave me a copy of what looks like a baby book, and her kindergarten graduation diploma (which i am going to frame) i can't believe that she is a "thing" person like me and that she had no idea how much having these daily reminders of her means to me.

she really is such a special person. as you can see i don't feel like we are strangers. and i loving every minute of this experience, something i never thought i would see. i am so thankful that my family is being so supportive as well, i love them so much (although we don't always see eye to eye and get along) i really needed them to understand that i needed this. that it is about who i am and who i struggled to become all those years and not that i love them anyless now than i always have and always will.

how lucky am i!!

so you see it was the start of a great thing for me. As Maureen says we could write a script for a lifetime movie.

i wonder who would play me????

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Thursday, June 04, 2009

the night before

so i tell you, i am nervous.

not just a litttle......A LOT

tonight i was walking through the store trying to decide what new cute shirt i should buy and it dawned on me how unfair this really is. Most people that meet their mother for the first time get to be naked.


story of my life really though, don't know why i am suprised.

so i bought myself flowers instead and decided that in the morning i will get up and whatever shirt that screams my name when i walk in my closet. that is what i will wear.

i got on facebook and wrote one of my two twin sisters a letter. i would write the other one (and i will) but i don't know if she knows about me yet or what she thinks, so i will just hold off on that letter. i just want them both to know that i am thinking of their feelings, that it is okay if they feel weird about this (cause i sure do) and that i am so thankful and just humbled that i get to go through this at all (remember now, i have fantasised and dreamed and sometimes cussed this mysterious Maureen since i found out at 10 years old that i was adopted, but i never really knew her to be REAL,,,,,and now she will be)

My adopted mom and dad (i have never refered to them that way, kindof odd really to be typing it now), and my sister JaLana and brother Adam are almost too excited for me. I just keep waiting for them to react in the way i just know they feel, but they don't. Which is good cause i may snap on them.And i am trying to be understanding of their feelings, but when I don't know how i feel it is kind of hard to be sensitive to other people's feelings, odd to say the least!!!! I do love them for being so supportive and unselfish, guess they know they can't get rid of me in spite of all of this :) They are kind of stuck with me~~~

so here i am, the night before i meet my birthmother. i should be cleaning and planning what i am going to wear and how i will fix my hair

instead i am drinking a glass of wine and reflecting on which one of my life goals i will conquer next since this one is coming true....

and if you believe i am that calm bless your heart....... be continued

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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

not so wordless wednesday

Here I am, posting about my birthmother.

how nuts is that?

I don't think I could even really explain how surreal this is to have play out the way it is. I don't know if it is really real to me. What do you think next when one of your life long dreams, goals, fantasies and unresolved life hang-ups emails you one day and in one hour long phone call answers so many questions. And she is not going anywhere, I don't know what to say about that except that dreams come true means such a different thing to me now.

and how lucky are you that you get to listen to me ramble on and on about it for days :)

PAUSE: okay, I just realized how old these songs are on my playlist, guess I will need to work on that soon. sorry guys,

anyway, back to my post. talked to my family AT LENGTH about this and they are suprisingly cool about the whole thing. They know me and they know what this means to me and that I would do it with or without them and at least this way they can be nosey about it and get all the details from me (and not my blog) so i do have to say thanks to them.

Talking to her and listening to all the similarites just feels good. I have always clung to any kind of sense of belonging to my family that i could conjure up. It used to bug me to look around and not to be able to relate. to see myself in any of my family members. And I hated it that my mom and dad and I are just so different. Polar opposites. Maybe that is why we clashed so many times on so many things. It was hard to live up to their perfection. Dont get me wrong, i always knew i am loved and i still feel that way, just sometimes they put restriction and limitations on giving me that love.

how's that for brutally honest?

i stayed up really late and collected all the letters i have written her over the years (and i write constantly so it is a lot of pieces of paper) and then i wrote her a letter in a new way, i have a face to put with a name. Do you know what it is like to write to a name for 11 years and not know who you are writing to? i hope she understands some of them might be hard to read, but it was just all the broad range of emotions i have felt growing up trying to deal with this.

i also wrote her husband. and my sistsers. i just said that i respect them. That i can tell how close they are and how much love they have for each other and that i dont want to intrude or invade and i get it if they need time. i just hope they have a place in their hearts for me.

man, i dont know where i want this to go. i have no expectations and i cant really define any of this at all. i just know i have dreamed of this for so long and now that it is here i want to just take it all in and thank my lord for this unbelievable gift.

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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

this will be a long one, so grab some popcorn

So I am trying to decide what words to use to describe how I feel right now. I write a line, erase that line.
write 3 lines, delete that too.
my usually busy mouth is failing me now.

but i digress, let me at least attempt to fill in the blanks so you will understand what my rambling post is about.

I have made no secret about my love of Troy the Locator and how I was gonna stalk his blog and the WE website until he flew out to Arkansas and helped me find my birthmother. I just think it is so great that he helps people find who they are looking for. He makes it look so easy, wrapping up a lifetime of searching in one 30 min. tv show. hugs, tears and everyone is hunky dory (did I just use that word???).Honestly I just did not think that would be me.

Really, I had made myself stop looking. it was just becoming too sad and obsessive for me. Not knowing who Maureen is (I have known her name for about 11 years now after I got my records from the place that I was adopted out of) Did she have a family? Do I have brothers and sisters and would they be jealous of me and think that I could or would want to just invade their lives?

and most of all I just wanted to know did she ever think of me?

I wrote letter after letter to her. I think my first journal entry to her was in the fourth grade and it never failed, ever Christmas and Birthday and each of the days my children were born I wrote to her. Never for one second did I see myself giving her those journal entries. I blog about it, it comes up in conversation. Being adopted has always been a part of my life. And I had learned to be okay with it.

until yesterday (cue the music....dun dun dunnnnnnnnn)

I told you about my weird email. Not so much weird as it was intriguing. First thing I did was call my mom to get her take on it. Then I called my sister. I emailed back to the gentlemen and then started to turn off my computer (cause I figured it would be a week or two before I heard back and even then I was sure he was gonna say "nevermind, wrong person"

but he did not. and he was not really a he. He was Maureen.

yes, my birthmother found me!

I am not sure what to think. or feel. or say. I just know I have imagined this day for so long and I am trying to process it all without scaring her off. I just don't know how to take it slow. but I will. first things first I guess. My sister JaLana thinks that Maureen looks like me. First thing she did was start internet stalking the poor woman. Myspace, Facebook, my sister could be a PI if she wanted to.

not me, I am kind of dense that way. and I was too chicken so I let her do all the investigative work.

JaLana did discover that Maureen has a husband. He is the name she used in the first couple of emails she sent me and he has this honest, sincere, kind and loving look about him. We also discovered that I have two, 20-year- old twin sisters. TWINS. and since they are younger than me guess that makes me the big sister. I was kindof floored by how pretty they are. And the bond they have with Maureen is so obvious, dont know really how that makes me feel.
Guess that makes me the big sister (wait, I said that already didn't I?) . Okay, weird, I don't think I will go there just yet. I am so scared mostly of what they will think. Will they like me and do they even want to know me at all?

Do any of them want to know me? This is just nuts. I am going to slow down and just go do some laundry or clean something. This thinking about it is making me a wreck.

It is what it is. and I will be okay with however it turns out I just wanted to know and now I partly do. The rest will play out however it is supposed to.

p.s. she is supposed to call tonight (however can I wait that long?)

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Monday, June 01, 2009

lawn mowing, curtain rods and a mysterious email

Woke up this morning feeling like this (yes, i have used this pic before....but i just love it so i am re-posting) i put the little plastic zip tie thingey on the dryer coil so dust would stop blowing all over my laundry room (who knew), hung some curtains in my room, i installed the rod for my closet and hung up all my clothes (except for the disgusting pile sitting in the floor waiting for me to wash, dry and throw it back on the floor till i get sick of looking at it ---or if a boy comes over)

wait, totally inappropriate comment strike that thought...or at least don't tell anyone i said it out loud. i am supposed to be in mouring my failed marriage and all.

then i decided to tackle my yard. i am not ashamed to admit i have been lucky enough to con.....convince someone to help me mow my yard. and now, my dad is claiming age, my brother is off in his own marital bliss, kaileigh is not old enough yet for me to force..bribe,,, beg and demand her to do it (yet) and my ex is out of the question. so that leaves me.

i got the front done and this is what i felt like......

screw the backyard, at least my neighbors will stop giving me, "gee why did we get YOU for a neighbor look" good enough, rocky the conqueror is now rocky the mouse (wasnt bullwinkle's sidekick something like a mouse? i will have to google that.

so anyway, after a shower and a redbull i am checking my email and what do i see? this is the email i got;


Saw your info and would like more
information. I think I know your birthmother. M

name with held (he did give me his name i
just don't think he would want me to post it on my

needless to say i was freaked. i called my mom to get her opinion and she was all for me answering him so i did. his name is not M by the way, that is the first initial of my birthmother's name. It is just so scary cause you always hear stories of people taking advantage and trying to get money for this or that to "help you search" and that would just break my heart. i am determined to not get my hopes up but how freakin cool would that be if my birthmother FOUND me. i just know that all the questions of life would be answered and i would be made whole......okay, nice thought but i am only kidding. i would be really happy though. And then i could stop emailing and begging Troy the Locator to help me :)

i keep promising pics of the new house, they are coming soon (gotta find the cord so i can upload them to my computer, i packed a little too well for my liking)

until then i will leave you with this image....little man has a mohawk (thanks to the ex)

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