Sunday, January 30, 2011

in the works

"writing is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotion know what it means to want to escape from these”

I have fits of creativity. bouts of writer's block. moments of hysteria and occasionally the complete breakdown of all things Wendy....


I have managed to get some writing done this weekend in between getting kicked out of a Mexican place at 7:30 at night on friday night and letting 8 kids spend the night at my house on Saturday night. now i have to go back and edit, which is so much harder than than actually getting it out. I read somewhere that Twain used the method of inserting the word damn every time he wanted to use very. He said the editor would just delete the word and his writing was just as it should be.

 since i am the only editor i have and since i like the word damn somehow i don't think i achieved the same end result. and since someday i am hoping my family reads my work and my dad in particular would frown on the use of the word,,,not so sure that is a practice i will adopt....

it's a nice thought though, thanks for the advice Mark....

i have always wanted to be a writer. My English teacher of a mother instilled in me the love of all things written word. She writes, she acts, she speaks very proper English. me, not so much but i try. i don't speak proper English, but i do speak proper Wendy. and i love to do it, so when i decided to tackle this (cause let's face it i am not doing much else right about now) i knew that it had to be about something i knew about. And what has consumed me for the better part of my 32 years..

yup. my roots. and my wings.

what they don't tell you about finding your birthparents and what you need to know about getting what you think you've always wanted....

and what the heck happens next

okay, so i am not an expert on what happens next. Not even sure i wanna know cause it might make me hesitant or scared... and i am not saying that i wanted to know two years ago that it would turn out like this. all i know is that i have something to say. i have an experience that i myself would have liked to read. i would have liked to know the "just wanted to point out" side of a story i never thought would be mine to tell..

and now that it is (mine to tell) i hope that someone, somewhere will want to read it too....

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Saturday, January 29, 2011

ten reasons I am not asleep

10.) my quasi teenaged daughter and her two over-abundantly grown up "same age as she is" friends in her bedroom, discussing the benefits of posting sweat pant and sports bra pics all the while Kailegh is trying to explain to them that I am all their friends on facebook and will demand a "delete" as soon as they post them...

9.) my best friend across town lovingly wrapped up in the arms of a very great, albeit MY time stealing boyfriend. I will admit it has (sortof) redeemed the process of falling in love to me. They are cute to watch (when i am not throwing up in my mouth ad nauseum) Not that i am completely sold on the idea, it seems over-rated at times.

8.)my funky fresh, uber chic cousin across the United States from me, probaly about to get up to start her day. The girl is a brickhouse, works full full time....three rowdy boys full time while her husband works two jobs...and she puts up with me which lets just be real about it that in itself is a full time job in itself. i get pissed off when i think about all those years that she WOULD HAVE BEEN my best friend, because she IS all that and more to me now.

7.) the book i am supposed to be working on, the labor of love that might not even get written if i don't get off here and actually work on it...but sometimes the process is so much more rewarding than the outcome..kindof like a love affair. the thrill of the chase is so fun-but the let down from the "now what" stage is sad and disheartening. what if it's not what i need it to be after i have supposedly written what i think i am trying to say>??

6.) the memorial service i am attending on monday. this man fought so hard, complained so little, inspired so many. very humble-ing experience to get to see "the wow" factor in a human being first hand..

5.) discovered a new artist that has me very geeked out to get her CD. i envision myself in various stages of undress getting ready for this or that...singing and dancing to songs with titles like "do it like a dude" or "price tag"

4.) the cards i bought to write a real old fashioned letter to my Mimi. complete with pics from our initial visit and musings on visits yet to come. i meant it when i said "it's been a week and i was...enchanted to meet you"

3.) the job that i am supposed to be looking for. i keep waiting for it to hit me, that elusive "what i want to be when i grow up" thing that will solve all my problems, make it all well and good and generally stress me out, make me complain and restore me in the eyes of my parents.....

2.) the floor that needs to be mopped, laundry laying in my bedroom floor and left over meat loaf still stuck to the stove top. dang-it, why did i have to inherit bi-polar tendancies why couldnt it have been OCD instead?

1.) my birthday...and how she won't be thinking of me when i want her to be....oh wait, i obsessed blogged about that already...see above and strike this one..

insert picture of me doing deep breathing exercises

insert the sound bite of soothing music(like a babbling brook or a bunch of crickets or something equally tacky and annoying)

ah hell, just get me a glass of wine...mommy needs to go to bed

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This post was supposed to be about Tracy...

but of course I made it mostly about me..opps!

my birthday is coming up in a couple of days. Next to Christmas I absolutely adore this day. Maybe that means i am self centered who knows. It's not so much about gifts (i am both spoiled and wanting for nothing ever other day of the year so truly it's not about what i get) i think it has to do with the fact that being adopted has defined me most of my life. It was always on my mind front and center and i just always figured this was the ONE day that she would be thinking of me...kindof sucks to know that was not the case but that is a whole other therapy session...

 Birthdays past have always been a day of reflection and wonder for me.

~ Wonder if my birth mother was thinking about me?

~Wonder if the next year would bring me as much emotion, evolution, passion as the previous year never failed to bring.

~Wonder at how i got here and how do i get to that place that i have spent so many birthdays trying to find..

still trying to find it.

This year i have so much to be thankful for. A cute new house in my hometown full of friends that knew me back before things got so complicated. Three babies that are busy and beautiful and healthy. Parents that have been amazing in every sense of the words long before i could appreciate them.

i have blood family in my life for the first time. i have an aunt who adores me, patient and understanding we talk for hours and i never tire of those times..

 a mimi i am finally getting to know. she tells me stories from my mother's childhood and i laugh and marvel at her strength and the amount of pride she has in her children and grandchildren

,,,, and i have a cousin who i don't know how i lived without and can't imagine going without. i have my eyes that look back at me and my "crazy" that makes sense now. i have hope for all the memories yet to be made and the promise of help in the journey to make all this make sense... i have stories about my heritage and love that fills me overflowing.

yes there is a sadness that tugs at my heart.

sadness that my relationship with my mother is non-existant. sorrow that we are not on the same page and the hurt that it causes both of us outweighs the need to be together. hurt that i will never find my birth father and all that does go along with that. shame that i am the mistake that causes someone else to feel the way she feels and determined to not let that take away from my sense of worth any is what it is right.

So as you can see my mind is spinning. But as my therapist says i should do, i am learning to "feel the burn" to not numb it with self medication of some sort. The good i feel, the bad i process, all the while trying to slow it down so that i enjoy the journey and learn from the process..

Before i have my birthday every year i celebrate the birthday of my sweet friend Tracy. This year we had to celebrate without Anne (the first of many things we reluctantly do without her) here are some pictures of a great night with my great girls

Suprise Trace!

Greenwood girls..i've known all these girls since i was a junior in high school (won't tell you how long ago that was but trust me it was not just a couple of years ago)

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Friday, January 28, 2011


I think my cousin Lisa took me to Cracker Barrel so that i might feel a little at home :) Not once after this did I see fried anything...

This was a full circle moment that I am not sure I have stopped to truly ponder yet. My Mimi is the first person to hold me before I was put up for adoption. I have held out meeting/ contacting her until I was really sure the timing was right and it was time.

My cousin Lisa, her mother my Aunt Nancy, Mimi and myself at the Brick Alley Pub in Newport Rhode Island. I got my first taste of "real" seafood...who knew Red Lobster was not real seafood?

 Heading into Boston..little did I know how much I would appreciate my dad's coat (he is so cute, he knows I hate them and we don't really get cold winters so i don't even really have one of my own) so he brought me his. Harvard Square was neat (but trying to navigate in my boots...not so neat)

more cousins (Lisa's kids) Masyn, Romyn and Devyn...

Masyn is reppin his cheezits, while I was reppin my hogs..

Lots more to share but right now I gotta a birthday party to plan (I turn 25 AGAIN on the 2nd) :)

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Wendy in Wonderland

It's been awhile.

Not that I have stopped writing... but rather, I stopped writing HERE...
I am not sure if I can pin point the exact moment I lost my much-ness, but it makes my heart sad to know that I had this thing, however small it was, it was still MY.thing.

and somehow the coming of you changed that for me, took away my joy and made me censor myself.. And since I don't do things half-ass I stopped. and my sense of freedom and my sense of me stopped.

There is something liberating in shouting for all of cyber space to read "hey, I have an original thought, I have something to say" even if noone reads it, the possibility for you to reach someone exists.. cause you put it out there...

I don't make resolutions. Just one more way to lie to myself and look back on something I did not finish (which I have a tendancy to do) but if I did make resolutions I would tell myself that I need to make it a point to write again.

Something to ponder

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