so as my mom has reminded me repeatedly it's no longer Friend Making Monday (although, in all reality i am writing this so late it is in fact Monday) but anyways, let's see if i can make some sort of sense of the screaming mess in my head.
it's been nuts to say the least. and so much is about to be changing in my life (hopefully for the better) i should have been trying to remember to breathe and enjoy the down time.
but i don't do down time very well.
i start a new job on Tuesday. a real job. i am going to work for a local home improvement store as a inside sales assistant buyer for the lighting department. basically my desk is in the middle of the store and i take the orders for the outside sales guys (like when they go to a contractor office or job site) and i will handle all the inside orders as well. i am excited. very out of the norm for me. never been in construction or anything like that but the money is good and i love home decor so it should be a fun job for me.
still in school and still loving every second of it. i am finding it is something i am good at and it is building my self esteem and sense of self worth up. good things...
on the love front. not really sure what is up with that. if Dan had his way we would be back together....i just don't know though. i am not going to take any of this for granted. i am not going to let myself get back in a rut and unhappy again. i just can't.
so i just go day by day and just live as though "it is what it is" and hopefully the rest will work itself out. i really liked the guy i refer to as silly boy. he, on the other hand, liked to sleep around. and i am just too old for that. so as hard as it is i just had to walk away from that one. i did have this thought though that i will share now.
So i don't know if you picked this up or not, but lately it has been one thing after another for me.
lose my job,lose my husband,lose my house,lose my mind, become a raging alcoholic,decide maybe i am not an alcoholic i just have issues so i check into detox,
oh wait, i missed the DWI-finding my birth family and major drama with my adopted family, find mr. perfect and he decides to be just mr.perfect right now, start back to college,get a full time job. and my ex wants to get back together....and did i mention that i have 3 kids?and that is all in the span of 4 MONTHS!
Needless to say, i have no idea what i want. well, let me take that back. i do want peace, to keep on lauging at myself and life, and fun. and to be able to balance my time as Wendy and my time as mommy.
maybe the correct statement should be i dont know what i want for my heart. but what the hell, that has gotten me in so much chaos maybe what i want for my heart is to just want me. to be in love with myself (i know if you look that up on wikipedia that would say conceited by it) but really. it's not like you NEED a man. They do make batteries that run these nifty little gadgets that make men almost obsolete this days.....just sayin.
i started this idea when mr. perfect silly boy asked me if we could be good friends.( i know, ouch right) this is a good idea in thought but not very practical.
it is a phrase used by someone who wants out of a relationship (or in our case a non-relationship).
falling in love carries us beyond our customary limits of self expression and puts us into territory that puts our sense of self at risk. it's like you are putting your heart in the hands of someone else for safekeeping and that kind of interdependance on someone else is a devestating experience.
Of course you will have feelings of being less of yourself. because you feel like some part of you is missing.
Rational thinking? maybe not. but nonetheless the heart just wants what it wants. it does not have to make sense.
for me, grieving is a gradual process. Trying to find someway to extract the "I" from the vanishing "we".
grieving provides a way-the only way- for me to retrieve what i have invested in someone. Even if that time was long in length or wide in expectations.
all love stories end-even those that last a lifetime.
now don't get me wrong. i am an optimist and a romantic (just look, i have held out for two years that Sam and Jason on General Hospital will get back together and last week they did it) oh happy day :)
what my point is to all of this rambling. what i have so clearly seen these past couple of weeks is not that i should be sad, or feel like an idiot for caring about someone who can't care about me (or doesnt want to care) it is that there is more to gain than just surviving the break-up (which we all do. breaking up does not kill you) there is this possibility of becoming more than you were, more able to understand and undertake the experience of love in all of its sadness as well as joy.
so you see, i guess the best way to describe how i am feeling right now is that i am a work in progress. some days are better than others and i am just doing the best i can......
