Monday, March 14, 2011

here fishy fishy fishy

took a break from my melodrama and took the kids fishing with the full of hook with hop hoppers (Isaiah's words for crickets) adventures and Michael Jackson songs...

have i told you lately how much i adore my babies

no son, you cannot wear that fishing....absolutely not!
dont let them sting me (Isaiah) they dont have anything to sting you with silly (Emory)
But your right, they sure are ugly
momma and the babies
very pretty, calm spot...
writing all the things down she saw in "farmtown" as she called it
Pawpaw helping Isaiah with the fish they caught
what! you want me touch it?
this is Bob.
daydreaming about who knows what
here fishy fishy
Dont step in the "Quicksand" mom..(isaiah)

one time they were actually holding hands instead of using those hands to hit each other
my goofball babies and the parentals at the end of a very. great. day!!!
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Wednesday, March 09, 2011

top fives....of the week anyway


Life as We Know It

Triston & Isolde

Grease 2


The Romantics

Single Girls

Jar of Hearts

Just You and Me

Dirt Road Anthem

Strip Me

Emma and Me (i mention this book all the time. it's one of those books you CAN not put down. It's tragic and heartbreaking and enthralling and maybe my all time favorite...a label i almost never give something because my favorites change so often. It's a story of abuse and empowerment. if you never read books other people recommend read this one, you won't be sorry) 

My Cousin Once Removed (the tale of the family member that everyone knew was a family member but left for reasons noone talked about. i can relate. it's a neat story that is touching)

Are You my Mother (if you know me this is an obvious. This was always a story that i wanted my mom to read to me. Couldnt exactly tell her why i loved it, but it carries over into my adult hood because my kids have me read it to them. the most thrilling moment for me has been when Isaiah said "your my mommy and your the best mommy ever")

My name is Sangoul (my latest English class is Children's Literature in a Pluralistic Society. it's a great class and i love it. We read kids books and pick them apart. This one is about a boy from a foreign country. He comes to America from a refugee camp and noone can prounounce his name. He refuses to change it, proud of where he came from and finally gets a white t-shirt and draws the pictures of a sun and a soccer goal and tells everyone this is my name "Sun Goal" the sweet, courageous boy got me. And the way he used his voice and his courage to help educate was a story that i will pass on to my kids...

Alexandra, Gone (Having just moved home to my childhood stomping ground has stirred up emotions and thoughts i really had no idea where in my head and my heart. This is the story of a woman who discovers that her longtime childhood best friend with whom she had lost contact with had disappeared. She volunteers to help her friends husband look for her friend and the journey that she ends up taken is one noone could have predicted. Just telling you about it makes me want to read it again)

"I'm gonna go to my new school and get me a new gullfriend (girlfriend). I'm gonna buy her gullfriend clothes and she is gonna like me" ~Isaiah

"Emmy told me that Michael Jackson died...she said he is an angel..will you take me to the angel store and buy me all the Michael Jackson clothes and hair.."

"If he hurts you, i will punch him in the face and kick him in the nuts"

"You are the awesomest mommy ever...your doing a good job"

"oh snap"
Being misunderstood...or when people put words in my mouth

Having to clean my house

Rude drivers

Pouring a tall glass of milk and rasing it to my lips, ready to taste that smooth, cold liquid sliding down my throat....and then smelling the rank chunky-ness that i DO NOT want curdeling down my throat and having to throw it out...

missing trash day

i've had a great week as you can see. To be touched and to be able to appreciate all these things in my life is what makes me wake up in the morning and tell my higher power thank you. I am not ignorant to the fact that alot of people just go through the motions on living life. It's work, family responsibilites and keeping up with the image of having it all together. Constantly waiting for the next "break" they get or dreaming of the moment they can break away and do something "fun" and out of the ordinary from waht they normally get to do.They wont have a new song, a new book, a new friend that inspires them each and every week....and i honestly do. i am one blessed chick.

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Monday, March 07, 2011

big rigs, tractors and giant jolly Uncles

Today is Monday.

it's a sad sort of meloncholy Monday so I guess that is sort of fitting dont you think? I mean, Wednesdays should be perky, Fridays should be downright beautiful outside and who cares what Saturday is like....cause it's Saturday and any kind of day is good for a Saturday.

so, back to Monday....

over the weekend my parents went to visit my Uncle Edsel. Now keep in mind that we (my family of mom,dad,brother and sister) have lived all alone in Arkansas worlds away from all the rest of our family in Kansas/Oklahoma for ALL of my life. So i have never been close to any of them. Couldnt tell you what they like, what they don't like. Don't have a clue what to buy them when they get married or graduate but i do love them just the same. They are my family after all. This has caused me some "not liking you too much mom and dad" moments and i will admit i did feel jipped, whole nother post...

Uncle Edsel.

the Uncle that was the stereotipical farmer. He always had on overalls, always what i would describe as jolly and honestly the sweetest man i have ever met. To this day, i have a black and white picture that hangs in my kitchen, it's an 8x10 of his old faithful tractor. and i love that picture. i remember his barns, and the big rig he drove and used to let me sit on his lap and honk the horn.

i loved that horn and being able to sit in that seat with him as people watched us power on behind the loud obnoxious noise. when little kids would sit in their cars and pump their arms up and down feverishly at the guy in the truck begging him to honk.the.horn.

he was the guy that always did.

so it's hard to hear my parents talk about how he can't do anything for himself. can't sit up, or shake your hand, or feed himself. This is the life of the those that give up. When you have battled as long as hard as he has (with replacement surgeries on body parts like hips and knees) and heart attacks and just plain sadness that your body doesnt do the things that it used to be able to do... i can accept that on some levels but on others i just can't. maybe because it is a reminder that someday i might be that same broken person.

i can only hope that he knows that he is loved. that he knows that he left a mark and he made a little girls day on more than one occasion. i hope he knows every time i see a tractor, or a big rig, or a big jolly guy with a huge smile and shining spirit....that i will think of my sweet Uncle Edsel....

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Saturday, March 05, 2011

random thoughts on where i am now

How do i explain the complexity that is my life?

When you are living with Bipolar disorder it is very hard to get someone NOT accustomed to the soaring highs and gut wrenching lows to understand or see the reasoning behind your actions and your choices.  We all have free will dont get me wrong, but for some of us, free will gets clouded and muddy and you find yourself in a sort of "that's not me"  existance.

Case in point, 2009

When i moved back home to Greenwood, i jokingly called myself Britney Spears. but i really meant it. It just seemed like for the previous year leading up to my move every decision i made was the wrong one, every situation i wanted to handle maturely and rationally i botched, lots of lying and drinking and denying.i wrecked a beautiful new car 24 hours after i got it, I got to be a guest of the sheriff for 7 days and have a blower in my car.
can we talk about how am i still paying for it now.

Getting my diagnosis was such a relief. Finally i had something to study. i could figure out what (and who) my triggers are and i could choose to live a healthier way. i want to stress that i conciously choose NOT to blame Bipolar Disorder for my poor choices and the heartbreak I caused. But it was a relief because now i know WHY i did the things i did. and i can take steps to not make those same mistakes in the future.

life is good right now. i must stress the right now because it is constantly changing.

School is great. i am in a wonderful English class "Children's Literature in a Pluralistic Society"
teacher is passionate and challenging, work is mostly writing and personal opinion (i have that in spades and very proudly have an A)
Working for my parents is odd. My brother works there as well so it is a family bonding experience at times (which can a good and a bad thing) i never saw myself joining the family business but right now it just makes sense.
Babies are doing amazing. They have blended in so easily and love being in the town where i grew up. Kaileigh is doing cross country and trying out for cheerleading (blugh, that one i have to get used to) Emory is in dance and softball, and Isaiah is fixing to start T-ball. we do church on Wednesdays and fill in the other days with as much as we can.

Don't get me wrong it's a constant struggle to not feel like i am a failure. i have a great best friend that reminds me on a daily basis that i am doing the best i can and that is all i can do. She tells me that we are not defined by the actions that we have made and that God really does know our hearts. i will probaly never fully realize the residual affects that my actions have made on my kids but i can only hope that they become a better person than i have been and that they know that i love them.

and i do. with my whole heart.

laundry never gets done, Emory's hair is always a mess, i have no time for dating (i dont date anyway so it's all good) but i would not trade it for anything. chaos and all.
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Wednesday, March 02, 2011


i am just gonna put it out there into the great wide unknown.

i am a big sister. that thought thrills me and i am so proud of my baby sisters. they are amazing. it hurts me to watch from far away(which respectfully i will continue to do) and i wish i knew them and more importantly...i wish they knew ME.

someday, and i will hold onto that hope. that someday

they will want to.....
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