It almost makes it harder that Kaileigh is handling this so much more silent than I am. I am not by any means saying that is better. At least I am getting it out, sometimes she scares me. But she does grieve and she does talk and she does want to cry. She just can't yet. and since there is no handbook on this I just have to sit in the background and love her. and just be here.
I honestly have NO concept of what my child is thinking, feeling, needing right now. All I know is that she is not alone and I love her.
If you know me at all you know that I live my life through my relationships. Good and bad they do drive how I feel, think, act. This one has been tough for me to lose because it was so life changing for me. And it continues to change my life to this day. The fact that I always thought in the back of my mind that it would one day be great. He'd be a great dad and we would be great friends.....His death exhausted that possibility and for me that loss is what I mourn...
Those last two days with him were a blur. But I cling to them like I havent lived hundreds of days before him and I can't imagine living hundreds more with him not annoying me somehow, somewhere... I keep telling myself loss is loss. He wasnt THE love of my life, but he was a love OF my life and I want to honor that. and cherish it...all those years of all that other crap really in the end isnt important.
I'm sure in some way I could be doing more for Kaileigh. I'm sure that I'm doing something wrong. But that is a whole nother post.