Monday, December 19, 2011

Has It Really Been 20 Days???

I must say that I am water logged this days. Slower, muted, numb these days.

It almost makes it harder that Kaileigh is handling this so much more silent than I am. I am not by any means saying that is better. At least I am getting it out, sometimes she scares me. But she does grieve and she does talk and she does want to cry. She just can't yet. and since there is no handbook on this I just have to sit in the background and love her. and just be here.

I honestly have NO concept of what my child is thinking, feeling, needing right now. All I know is that she is not alone and I love her.

If you know me at all you know that I live my life through my relationships. Good and bad they do drive how I feel, think, act. This one has been tough for me to lose because it was so life changing for me. And it continues to change my life to this day. The fact that I always thought in the back of my mind that it would one day be great. He'd be a great dad and we would be great friends.....His death exhausted that possibility and for me that loss is what I mourn...

Those last two days with him were a blur. But I cling to them like I havent lived hundreds of days before him and I can't imagine living hundreds more with him not annoying me somehow, somewhere... I keep telling myself loss is loss. He wasnt THE love of my life, but he was a love OF my life and I want to honor that. and cherish it...all those years of all that other crap really in the end isnt important.

I'm sure in some way I could be doing more for Kaileigh. I'm sure that I'm doing something wrong. But that is a whole nother post.

20 days.....really??

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Thursday, December 08, 2011

What a difference a week makes...

i wasnt sure how to tackle this one so it's taken me a few days to get my thoughts together.

a week ago today my precious daughter Kaileigh and i sat in the hospital ICU @ Sparks holding her daddy's hand and trying to wrap our heads around how someone could put a bullet hole in their own head.

yea, wish i was making that one up.

and let me tell ya, a week later i still don't know if i got that one figured out.

Suicide has always been stuff of bad lifetime movies for me. That cliche "how could someone be so selfish" question and other such nonsense. When it happens to you, it's incomprehensible. people looking at me with sad "dont know what to say" puppy dog eyes, and that feeling of wanting to throw up but instead having to explain what happened and don't even get me started on pretending to "get back to normal"

Leon was my high school sweetheart. I'd had a few loves before him but nothing even remotely like him. We had Kaileigh when we were 19 and the years that followed were rocky and sometimes a little hairy but for 16 years this man has been in my life.

and now he isnt.

Kaileigh is a trooper. She returned to school and so far everyone has been really supportive of her. I'm not sure what the days ahead are going to look like for us, but we will get through it.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Showing my Dark Side.....and then the side that is not so dark

I just fell in love AGAIN with kelly clarkson. I stumbled on her new album CD "Stronger" and at first it was "Breaking Your Own Heart", then it was "Stronger" and now it is "Dark Side" I just her.

I can't believe i am still awake, work is gonna be nuts tommorrow but what can you do. I just finished a paper on "Search and Seizure Practices" regarding vehicle search warrant exceptions (and yes it was as exciting as it sounds to write), but I am wired in a way that only writing about absolutely nothing of importance can cure. Oh and I have pics to post.

A few are new ones of the babies and the rest are from my trip to Florida withe Lindas. I will have to go into what a Linda is some other time :)I will say though that sometimes you have to fall apart in order to land right where you are supposed to be all along. If I hadnt made all those mistakes I wouldnt have made the decision to "go home". I wouldnt have fallen in love with my life all over again and appreciated my babies as much as I do.. appreciated my struggles and the fact that I did make it out on the other side stronger, wiser, braver...

and now here are the Linda's... Crazy that these girls have been in my life for almost 20 years. and yes, that Jellyfish is real :)

what i got to wake up and go to bed to...not too shabby huh?

This is vintage me. Everyone else is all dressed up in cute dresses suitable for the beach. me, camo long sleeve and uggs.... ugg!

they made me dress up that night

i was laying in bed when i took this, and it was that amazing every single time i opened my eyes.


I went to sleep and we were 10 hours from home in Mississippi.. I woke up and we were 12 hours away and near New Orleans so... of course we went to Bourbon Street.. i had to be at work at 9am the next morning so we only got to stay for an hour best.sidetracking ever though..

told you...JellyFish.....real....

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

for YOU.....

I write for many reasons. To vent, to release, to come to terms or put it into perspective...Sometimes I try to put it out into the unviverse and hope it might bring about change (even when I don't know how to make it change that doesnt mean I dont want it to be different)

I don't always know why I write..but I know why I am doing it now. I have private thoughts that maybe one day I can send, and I have learned over these past couple of years to keep some of my heart to myself. Maybe one day soon I can share it with you....

Words are like swords. They come out jumbled and out of context. They come out in torrents sometimes and at other moments they don't come out at all.. Let's see if I can get these words out now in a way that is clear and honest...
There are certain days that stick with us. We don't mean for them to and often times we just wish we could forget...I chose this day to write because of what I know it means to you..

on this day, which I know is one of your favs, I choose to use my words to tell you that I thought of you today. I hope for happy times with family and peace. I choose to believe that one day......

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Friday, August 26, 2011

Goodbye old friend part two...and other stuff

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day we lost our friend Anne Marie.

I can never talk about her without saying "we" because it's not just MY friend that I lost. So many people loved Anne ( don't get me wrong, so many were intimidated by her but thats just because they didnt know her) if you knew her, you loved her! and we feel it daily and deeply.....

Through out this process of going nuts/ moving home/ finding me (or rather, being okay with the me that is true and authentic) I just never imagined that it would have to come at the expense of one of my friends lives. Why can't people (people being me) learn lessons on their own? Why does it take a catastrophe or horrible event to drill into your thought process the need to reflect and redirect your focus? 

That is typically how I work. I go and go and live and live and then one day it dawns on me I have been missing something. In this case I was missing the fulfillment and fullness that comes from having a close group of girl friends that accept and push me to be the person I want to be. Coming home has allowed me to reconnect with that. I just hate that she is not here for me to say I am sorry to. I was so caught up in myself and my life that I wasnt there for her when she needed me the most. I know I can't dwell on couldve shouldve wouldve but the fact that I failed her in ways I cant make up with haunt me till I die. just being honest.

I think that so many times we get caught up in living. in jobs and in wanting to give our kids a good life that we forget to give ourselves a good life. To revel and rejoice in the laughter and silliness of a good time with great hearts. To hug and smile and take pictures of moments you will never get back. To balance out those tball games and parent conferences with late night swims and drinks on the's okay to   pretend your  17 every now and then, cause let's face it. we never will be again.

. I will honor my friends (past, present and future) in that way. Those were some of the best days of my life, and from time to time I have days that rate right up there still and I am a very blessed girl because of it...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck


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It's just not Fair

You get to see me, but I don't get to see you.

You get to know my innermost thoughts and feelings and get glimpses into my life while I have no clue who you, my reader, is.

Are you my estranged family member who wants to keep tabs on me but can't ask for yourself because then (gasp) it will look like you care?

Are you that boy who said all those things that hurt me so deeply and you still check up on me from time to time this way cause "noone will know"

Are you the friend I no longer talk to and most likely it's my fault we don't talk. I left quite a wake when I moved and I acted like a royal bitch and if I havent said I'm sorry I really honestly truly am. Quite a few of you I wish I could make it all right.

Could you be the stalker who just wants to see if I am still a trainwreck? Checking to see if I can give you any more ammunition to use against me or using my blog as a way to make yourself feel better. Sorry to disappoint you...

I hope that for whatever reason you are reading this blog you get some entertainment out of it. I am glad you stopped by and I hope you come again....mine is a story full of suspense, drama, and love. It's just begun to be written and I have so many plot twists and character development to come...stick around and enjoy the tale being spun...
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Thursday, May 26, 2011

To my sweet cousin that is graduating today....

I must say you completely took me by suprise when you reached out to me and I became officially one of your own. In so many ways you continue to teach me what blood family really means and how special that bond can be. I never expected to relate to anyone in my biological family so completely and unconditionally and I have been so blessed and encouraged by you. Who gets to call their cousin one of their very best friends???
I DO!!!

I know what a fight, sacrifice, struggle it has been for you to go to school and that makes me being here to watch you walk so very special to me. To perservere and to keep pushing forward despite raising three boys with hectic schedules and all the needs that kids have, and working crazy full time hours (I mean who the heck gets up before the sun every day to go to work and then go to school and do kid stuff but you...) I am constantly amazed by all that you do and by how well you do it. you never complain. you never say no and you never are selfish and do just for you....I just wish I was that selfless (im the first to admit I am NOT)

To be honest you are the reason that I changed my major. I chose Buisness because it was safe. Watching you and how hard you worked for this made me think,,,,hey, I can do that never gave a cop out or an excuse. you knew the end would justify the means and that you were gonna make a better life for here I am. trying to do the same thing. saying thank you is not going to be enough. it's cliche...

My sweet cousin and one of my very best friends I am so very happy to be here. I Know i will cry like a baby. I am your biggest fan. I am so proud of you and encouraged and blessed by you and I hope you enjoy this day..for you have earned it...

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Art of Balance

What I dream of is an art of balance. Henri Matisse

That has been my topic of prayer this week. Balance.

For so long it's been either or. Either I am Wendy, or I am Mommy. It's like I haven't been able to reconcile the two and comfortably say,,,I am Wendy and I am a mommy.
I feel guilty when I do for me, and I feel restless when I only do for them.

There has to be some middle ground? There has to be a way to devote attention to them in a way that shows them they are loved and then find time to devote to myself (see, I feel guilty just saying that out loud...or typing it online for all the world to judge me whichever way you look at it)

I count too don't I???

I am not textbook, never have been. I would like to think that when I have them I am all about being a mom. I really am. We do cross country, cheer, softball, dance, church, school plays and playdates. We are a family of readers so the library is a staple in our house, we do the farmer's market, plant flowers and garden together.We have family dinner nights and sleepovers, fishing and cookouts with the fam.

Is it bad that I sneak in time with my friends now and then. In addition to all of that I get to go out to eat, shop, watch the fights and sometimes shake a tail feather with the coolest bunch of girls I will ever get to call my's what gets me through not having a "mate", the craziness of my family situation, and the breakdown "i'm not good enough" moments that happen from time to time with me....

Is is bad that I don't feel "bad" that I am not always with my kids? We are incredibly blessed to have such a HUGE extended family. grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, godbaby mama's and daddies and freinds that fill our lives provide me with time that is just for me.

Just in writing this post I feel better already. You have to have balance. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. and you can't live your life based on what you think someone else is going to say about you. So I choose to be both. I am Wendy. and I am a mommy.

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The World According to My Kids

The English Language According to Ike
holy moly's (rolly polly)
what the mac and cheese (another version of what in the world)
Nextember (his birthday..which is September 19)
Give me your face (how he says he wants to kiss my cheek)

Kaileigh in a Pic or three

Emory in a song

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Sunday, May 15, 2011


I won't lie and say I haven't kept up with you...
I have watched you grow up albeit from afar
and i won't even try to pretend seeing you in pictures was enough..

I needed to hug you, I needed to breathe you in
I needed you to hear me and I needed you to understand

I needed the possibility for something greater
and i needed the hope for something real

I dream that one day you would see me
would seek me out, and ask me what I think
I dream that one day you would call me that 6 letter word and that it will come from your heart
as the older .....that I truly want to be

There is something I can't quite put into words surrounding new beginnings, about building and creating a foundation
about fulfilling a long neglected yearning
and occupying someone else's empty void

And I treasure this chance for our own version of "something real"
real relationship, real honesty, real giving and recieving, real healing
real love and real hope, real encouragement and real understanding
real forgiving, real freedom from judgement

real "trying to figure this all out"

I have no illusions about this being easy
I have no illusions that at a time or two we might one or all need a break
but for all my fear and trepidation....
for all the things I don't know that will come
I do know that whatever you end up being to me
and I to the both of you..

that we will be "real"

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Take me out to the Ballgame

It's been a busy last few weeks for us here in Arkansas. I am back in the swing of things at school and really enjoying all of the English classes they are piling on me. I love the journey and the chance to follow it. A college education is something I never saw in my future so I am so appreciative that at least this time, I didnt mess it up so bad it's not an attainable goal.

Work is good. Bonding with the fam is kindof surreal but gratifying all the same. Never thought I would be working with both my parents and my brother but it's been nice.

and now, on to the fun stuff. the babies are doing great, thriving really. Kaileigh is running track and getting ready for next year on her cheerleading team. Emory takes hip hop and jazz dance and softball and little man, well he just has our hearts more every single day.

Today was Emory's first softball game that I got to watch. Her real first first game was last night but I had school so my parents took her. It was great! She was made the catcher and of course she was a stunner. Throw in that my two best friends kids are on the same teams and the night was full of laughs and great pics...

this has become a ritual. to take pics in the car before we go somewhere...

Lil Divas and partners in crimes


                                                              Go Yankees

me and Laynee and Emory

                                                              Team Braxton
Me and Nik


BGC official fan club :)

She loves the grill on this helmet...

hanging out

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Monday, April 11, 2011

it is what IT is

Somethings just fit within the scope of your take on life. There are people and situations you can handle with ease, and then there is pain and complications that you can't for whatever reason. I'm not quite sure how that works, I just know that it does.

By things, I guess I mean people.

I have often heard (but seldom re-quote that saying people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime) it's so cliche and vague. I don't think it explains enough and leaves you needing more. My version would go something life this

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON...I choose to believe that we are not supposed to know the bigger picture all at one time. That we would miss out on all the little moments that make up that picture and life would be less rich, less full, just less...So when I pray I don't ask God to tell me what to do I ask him to help me get through whatever it is he has in store for me. I trust him that he puts those things in my life for me to learn and grow from but that it is up to me to do the work.
A SEASON....I choose to believe that sometimes it is good and sometimes it may be a bit harder. Just like with weather seasons, you need the rain and the storms in order for new things to grown and bloom (okay that was cornball as well but that is what I got right now sorry) Timing is sometimes off and that sometimes you need a break to regroup and process what that person or thing brought to your life and whether it was helpful or hurtful. It's up to you whether that something (or person) is there for the next season
A LIFETIME...I choose to believe that everyone and everything you go through can be carried with you for the rest of your life. I know that some of my most meaningful relationships and experiences were fleeting but had more of an impact that others that still continue on today. Length of time does not mean less in value.

The human emotion is so complex and I know that to me personally sometimes I want it to work out better than it does. I want to make things right that I have no idea how to mend and I want to hold my tongue especially when I just can't seem to do that. I want to be an adult but in reality some situations have me as raw and emotional and just plain scared as a child would be. So I have to deal with it the best way I can. Sometimes I do that better than others. All I can say is that I am a work in progress and I KNOW that it's a fact that I am stronger and doing a better job of it than at this time last year. I HOPE I can say the same thing next year and the year after that. I am sorry for the people that I have hurt and I am making an attempt to just stop rationilizing and say I am sorry. I was wrong.

I changed the name of my blog a year or so ago to "it is what IT is" because I say that so often when dealing with my problems. But I am seeing that I have also used it as a crutch. I can shrug my shoulders and say it so nonchalantly like that alone will fix all my problems or at least make it to where I don't have ot fix them myself.

Can you tell that today is my counseling day? lol. I hope I saved up something to tell my shrink although talking for me has never been the issue it's learning how to shut up and listen :) This whole process of letting myself feel instead of numbing or self medicating is sometimes so hard, I really just want to crawl back in bed and stay there all day. Wish me luck today.

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Thursday, April 07, 2011

and once apon a time it was just us two...

All those many years ago (13 to be exact) I recall the moment like it happened yesterday. We were sitting in my parents living room and I'm not sure where my mom was but my dad was in his favorite recliner reading the newspaper. He made the comment "why don't you move back home". I'd moved out like alot of just graduated eighteen year olds do and I nonchalantly made the comment "I can't, because if I do I can't get medicaid because they will want to use your income".

He was shocked. I don't even know if he knew what medicaid was. And to have to explain to him that yes, I did need medicaid because I was pregant was almost more than I could bear. I have always wanted to be called a daddy's girl. I loved this man that had taken such good care of me so much and I knew that right then I had broken his heart irrepairably. And I could never make it right again. Because unlike my sister, I was not marrying the putz that I for the past 3 years had thought I loved.

But I also knew that adoption was not an option.

To say that my relationship with my parents from then on was strained is an understatement. I have never been one that "does what I am told" and the events that happened after that conversation which I will keep private.... marked us to this day. Unconditional is a nice thought in theory. But it doesnt always apply to reality...

THIS kid though.

the "she's not mine",,, "should'nt be here",,,"your selfish because you are keeping her",,,"your biological mother did it and look how it turned out" kid that I get to stare in awe at every single day made me believe again in the power of the heart.

She is all that I never knew I could do but hoped that I would. She makes my heart soar and my spirit sing songs of redemption and better days. She is my strength and my willpower when I just want to give up and take the easy way out. I am a living example of a weak hearted woman who thought that taking the easy way out was "doing the right thing" and I just knew I wasnt that girl. I could never live with that. and I don't have to. I can kiss her and love her freely and watch proudly as she grows more brave, kind, tender hearted and compassionate in all her own ways.

Can you tell I am one proud momma?

kaileigh had to grow up with me and that has not been an easy road for either one of us (her more than me I am sure) but she never holds that against me, never calls me out for it, and never makes my bad choices as her own so maybe my mistakes are a good thing.

We have a song. I don't even remember how it became our song, but every single time it comes on we dance around the house and sing it together. More than once it has come on in the car and like one single mind we automatically reach out and lace fingers. We smile and sing it aloud and stay that way till the song is over. She looks at me with eyes that tell me she adores me, and loves me despite my flaws...and I know she sees that in my eyes I am telling her that she was and is worth every single hard decision I had to make to get us to this point...

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