Saturday, October 30, 2010

A race for Kaileigh..and one more for mommy

I cannot tell a lie. Lately I have been feeling that my life is going like this

I fall behind on things like laundry, and unpacking (yes, 2 months later I am still doing that..), and then I get caught up and I realize I have'nt filled out this paper or turned in that one. So I play catch up in school (both mine and the babies) and then I realize I have not done laundry in four days and Emory has not been brushing her teeth and Isaiah is not sleeping in his bed consistently which makes me not sleep good cause let's face it, who can sleep with a knee in your back or a leg drapped over your shoulder....


This weekend was no exception. I try really hard on my weekends that I have the babies to spend quality time with them, and make it all about them. Not saying I always reach that goal, but it is the one I am aiming for. This weekend was the dreamer's last cross country meet. Let me tell you, I was worried about her. She went through t-ball, soccer, guitar, basketball, choir, you name it. Never really finding something that sparked any interest. So when she told me she wanted to run I will admit I paid her little attention. I told her that she would have to show me she was into it, and then she would have to prove that she could stay into it. And she really has. She ran really hard all season and each race she has consistently gotten better and stronger as a runner...

Still can't believe I am back to sporting the navy blue and big G again. After high school if you would have told me I would be back here....I would never have believed it.
Team Kaileigh

Very proud of my runner..

So after the race we did a little running of our own. I don't know if I have mentioned it or not but my four year old is obsessed with Michael "Shackshon" as he calls Michael Jackson. Now don't get me wrong some of his stuff is pretty chill. I am a fan. But not a big enough fan that my kids would beg EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. to watch video after video on youtube till they know every tick,gesture,and high pitched "chum-on"

so when I say we had to run around today I am referencing the mad dash to find a red jacket to complete little man's Halloween costume. Ree already had her "Thriller" werewolf all we needed was Michael Isaiah Jackson (as he introduced himself to everyone while Trick or Treating. this is what we ended up with.

So as you can see momma ended up getting major cool points for the perfect Michael moments. I am so glad its over now though, even though he will be wearing that costume for the next six months (he better, as much as I paid for it) it was worth it. I really do heart my babies...

Happy Halloween yall!
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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dear (insert any of the guys I have dated over the past year)

I have been accused of not living in reality more than once. I have been accused of seeing things how I want them to be instead of how they really are.

 I do this thing in romantic relationships where I dream too big, ask for more than he can give...
and then sit there with my hands on my head, asking myself why it didnt work out??

I am absolutely in love with the new song "Dear John"  (and in extension Taylor Swift)
and I am most over the moon to find out that it's not just me.

not just me that believes in a man, who really doesnt deserve it, because he should have told me from the beginning that he didnt want it.
not just me that refuses to be jaded or careful or hold back and feel regret...

I put it out there and let myself feel what I feel, am I smart to do that? maybe not.
am I free because I allow myself to do that? most assuredly

and yes, I will experience hurt and i will experience rejection and yes,,,,i will sometimes get it wrong

but I also believe that someday, he will come along

and I will get it right...

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

As the saying goes.....

"When we are present in each moment, the past gently rolls up

behind us and the future slowly unravels before us."

- Rev Richard Levy

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

--Robert Heinlein
"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lamat

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

In a Perfect World

All of things I would have to go through, to get to where I am going would not be quite so painful, not be as public, lessons learned the first time...

Alot of the things I say would be thought through, other people's feelings would be taken into account, and words would not be used as a weapon to cut but rather to encourage...

Many of the moments that I forget to be thankful for would not be dismissed, I would accept that I derserve them, I will cherish them for the briefness that they are and the richness they bring to my life...

Some of the people that I have written off I will give a second chance and they will prove me wrong. I know that even in a perfect world there has to be some sort of imperfection in order for me to validate the reasoning behind the idea of perfect. I don't expect to nor do I wish to be everything to everyone but I want to be something someone, and I know that I am. So in my perfect world sorry would be easy to say and even easier to accept. We would move on and move forward....

I don't think that any of this is unreasonable for me to maybe my world is close to perfect,  as close to perfect that an imperfect girl can make it....
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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Little man

I am extremely blessed for the men that are in my life. My dad has always been superman, and the as far as boys go, the love of my life is my little man.

Don't get me wrong, the diva and the dreamer are stunners too, but his baby browns melt me everytime (even at almost midnight when he should be in bed)... 
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Thursday, October 14, 2010

starts with goodbye

There are some situations in your life that you really want to go differently
fights you wished you never had, words you wished you never said
Conversations you never thought you'd have
emails that break your heart....
You really want the fairytale to come true
Reality and what you've dreamt up in your head all these years dont always meet seam to seam
the patchwork quilt of your life doesnt always form that beautiful pattern you imagined while working so hard on it all these years

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna break me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

Starts with goodbye,

The only way you try to find,

Moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye,

Do you scrap it? or do you set it aside for a later time when you figure out where the kinks are?

Being the hopeless romantic I am make it almost impossible for me to give up, walk away, think that this is the way it has to be for all of time. all bad thoughts aside I refuse to give up on you.....ever.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Kaileigh has entered the bloggy world...

I know that my mom and dad would frown upon this. They think I give the kid too much freedom as it is, but I don't think of it as freedom away from me. I think of it as the freedom to fly. I let her use her wings and don't try to clip them.

I am so very proud of this kid. She is the best of me. Strong, Independant, Individual and Out of the Ordinary, She knows what she likes and doesnt care if you approve. She is respectful and kind and cares if she hurts people's feelings. She knows she can be her own person and that she is valued for that. She finishes my sentences and knows my heart. In so many ways she has parented me.

I got pregnant at 18 with Kaileigh. EVERYONE said I should give her up, I had been such a "success" adoption story that I should just jump on the first chance to have my life back.. right? . I dont think that even I understood at the time but my life really started on August 7, 1997 when this amazing thing happened to me. And I dont look back with regret or with shame. I did it whole heart and knowing adoption sucks and was not an option. and she is good and kind and amazing...

and now she gets to write to you, and you can see what I get to see everyday....

this is what happens when you dont give up and walk away. When you stick it out and know that God doesnt give you more than you can handle. sometimes you just have to believe..

one of my greatest accomplishments......
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Friday, October 08, 2010

breathe, smile, repeat

Took a breathe, said it's okay to forgive myself...
This helped

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