Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Take me out to the Ballgame

It's been a busy last few weeks for us here in Arkansas. I am back in the swing of things at school and really enjoying all of the English classes they are piling on me. I love the journey and the chance to follow it. A college education is something I never saw in my future so I am so appreciative that at least this time, I didnt mess it up so bad it's not an attainable goal.

Work is good. Bonding with the fam is kindof surreal but gratifying all the same. Never thought I would be working with both my parents and my brother but it's been nice.

and now, on to the fun stuff. the babies are doing great, thriving really. Kaileigh is running track and getting ready for next year on her cheerleading team. Emory takes hip hop and jazz dance and softball and little man, well he just has our hearts more every single day.

Today was Emory's first softball game that I got to watch. Her real first first game was last night but I had school so my parents took her. It was great! She was made the catcher and of course she was a stunner. Throw in that my two best friends kids are on the same teams and the night was full of laughs and great pics...

this has become a ritual. to take pics in the car before we go somewhere...

Lil Divas and partners in crimes


                                                              Go Yankees

me and Laynee and Emory

                                                              Team Braxton
Me and Nik


BGC official fan club :)

She loves the grill on this helmet...

hanging out

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Monday, April 11, 2011

it is what IT is

Somethings just fit within the scope of your take on life. There are people and situations you can handle with ease, and then there is pain and complications that you can't for whatever reason. I'm not quite sure how that works, I just know that it does.

By things, I guess I mean people.

I have often heard (but seldom re-quote that saying people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime) it's so cliche and vague. I don't think it explains enough and leaves you needing more. My version would go something life this

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON...I choose to believe that we are not supposed to know the bigger picture all at one time. That we would miss out on all the little moments that make up that picture and life would be less rich, less full, just less...So when I pray I don't ask God to tell me what to do I ask him to help me get through whatever it is he has in store for me. I trust him that he puts those things in my life for me to learn and grow from but that it is up to me to do the work.
A SEASON....I choose to believe that sometimes it is good and sometimes it may be a bit harder. Just like with weather seasons, you need the rain and the storms in order for new things to grown and bloom (okay that was cornball as well but that is what I got right now sorry) Timing is sometimes off and that sometimes you need a break to regroup and process what that person or thing brought to your life and whether it was helpful or hurtful. It's up to you whether that something (or person) is there for the next season
A LIFETIME...I choose to believe that everyone and everything you go through can be carried with you for the rest of your life. I know that some of my most meaningful relationships and experiences were fleeting but had more of an impact that others that still continue on today. Length of time does not mean less in value.

The human emotion is so complex and I know that to me personally sometimes I want it to work out better than it does. I want to make things right that I have no idea how to mend and I want to hold my tongue especially when I just can't seem to do that. I want to be an adult but in reality some situations have me as raw and emotional and just plain scared as a child would be. So I have to deal with it the best way I can. Sometimes I do that better than others. All I can say is that I am a work in progress and I KNOW that it's a fact that I am stronger and doing a better job of it than at this time last year. I HOPE I can say the same thing next year and the year after that. I am sorry for the people that I have hurt and I am making an attempt to just stop rationilizing and say I am sorry. I was wrong.

I changed the name of my blog a year or so ago to "it is what IT is" because I say that so often when dealing with my problems. But I am seeing that I have also used it as a crutch. I can shrug my shoulders and say it so nonchalantly like that alone will fix all my problems or at least make it to where I don't have ot fix them myself.

Can you tell that today is my counseling day? lol. I hope I saved up something to tell my shrink although talking for me has never been the issue it's learning how to shut up and listen :) This whole process of letting myself feel instead of numbing or self medicating is sometimes so hard, I really just want to crawl back in bed and stay there all day. Wish me luck today.

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Thursday, April 07, 2011

and once apon a time it was just us two...

All those many years ago (13 to be exact) I recall the moment like it happened yesterday. We were sitting in my parents living room and I'm not sure where my mom was but my dad was in his favorite recliner reading the newspaper. He made the comment "why don't you move back home". I'd moved out like alot of just graduated eighteen year olds do and I nonchalantly made the comment "I can't, because if I do I can't get medicaid because they will want to use your income".

He was shocked. I don't even know if he knew what medicaid was. And to have to explain to him that yes, I did need medicaid because I was pregant was almost more than I could bear. I have always wanted to be called a daddy's girl. I loved this man that had taken such good care of me so much and I knew that right then I had broken his heart irrepairably. And I could never make it right again. Because unlike my sister, I was not marrying the putz that I for the past 3 years had thought I loved.

But I also knew that adoption was not an option.

To say that my relationship with my parents from then on was strained is an understatement. I have never been one that "does what I am told" and the events that happened after that conversation which I will keep private.... marked us to this day. Unconditional is a nice thought in theory. But it doesnt always apply to reality...

THIS kid though.

the "she's not mine",,, "should'nt be here",,,"your selfish because you are keeping her",,,"your biological mother did it and look how it turned out" kid that I get to stare in awe at every single day made me believe again in the power of the heart.

She is all that I never knew I could do but hoped that I would. She makes my heart soar and my spirit sing songs of redemption and better days. She is my strength and my willpower when I just want to give up and take the easy way out. I am a living example of a weak hearted woman who thought that taking the easy way out was "doing the right thing" and I just knew I wasnt that girl. I could never live with that. and I don't have to. I can kiss her and love her freely and watch proudly as she grows more brave, kind, tender hearted and compassionate in all her own ways.

Can you tell I am one proud momma?

kaileigh had to grow up with me and that has not been an easy road for either one of us (her more than me I am sure) but she never holds that against me, never calls me out for it, and never makes my bad choices as her own so maybe my mistakes are a good thing.

We have a song. I don't even remember how it became our song, but every single time it comes on we dance around the house and sing it together. More than once it has come on in the car and like one single mind we automatically reach out and lace fingers. We smile and sing it aloud and stay that way till the song is over. She looks at me with eyes that tell me she adores me, and loves me despite my flaws...and I know she sees that in my eyes I am telling her that she was and is worth every single hard decision I had to make to get us to this point...

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There's something to be said for the one in the middle

She's the one that tells me I am doing the best I can (her words), she writes me love letters and sends me pictures on her phone of hello kitty clocks and pretty flowers just because she thinks it will brighten my day. She is moody and emotional and I know her reasoning for every irrational thing she does because she is a mirror into my own way of thinking....

There is a special place in the makeup of a family for the middle child. The one never the baby....but also never the one setting the pace. You are always a day late and a dollar short because you are never the first nor the cutest...So I have a softspot for my diva. Because I feel her pain.

I also know though. that the middle is more often than not the creative,passionate,independant one and for those reasons alone I am so excited and thrilled at the idea of all that my Emory will become. I know that she will not disappoint. For there is nothing she can't do, and do it very well.

bigger, better, righter (i know that is not a word but i liked it here so bite me) than I ever did as the middle child.

I LOVE that they are the best things I ever did and that I am get to watch them soar.....

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Wednesday, April 06, 2011

How i heart the man in my life....

Isaiah, stretches out his long slender arms. The yellow Bob Bob (his word for Spongebob) jammy jams (our word for worn out footed pjs worn year round in our house) lifts up slightly revealing the sweet smelling tummy that I motorboat every morning.

Without fail, his still sleepy eyes open for me and a huge smile spreads across his face. He looks so dreamy as he says "your the best mommy ever. i'm so proud of you"

I take that as a compliment because it is what is say to him when i give him my highest praise. your the best baby boy ever. i'm so proud of you.

He is not yet jaded enough to know that you shouldnt say that all the time because it loses its meaning the more you say something. It reminds me of the first time young lovers promise their undying devotion. Six months later (if they are still together) those words have lost their luster. lost their ability to take the others breath away...

When he says it though, morning after morning after morning.....he can still take my breath away.

I know that someday soon he will put all this boyhood fantasies of marrying his mommy away. Instead I will be replaced by video games and gross things like farting noises made with his armpits. My baby blues will not be the eyes he gazes into and my cheeks will not be the only one to recieve his token of affection.

There is something to be said for a love between a mother and her son. Not to take away the love that I share with my dreamer and my diva but this boy (other than my dadddy) has my heart in ways that I dont even think I could articulate.

Like the smell of coffee when you are trying to wake up, Like the smell of clean laundry and fresh flowers, like a butterscotch candy someone offered you from out of the blue, or the whiff of that just washed baby smell you get when you hold a baby for the first time...

pure, innocent, love.....this is my baby boy

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Saturday, April 02, 2011

Lions, Elephants, and Bulldogs

In our house we have alot going on between dance, softball (times two), throw in my homework and classes, and as if that is not enough.....cue the drumroll

I have a daughter who is a cheerleader. If you know me that is very ironic. I was never the "cheerleader" type. What is so very funny to me is that I can honestly say I am so over the moon about this. I'm old enough now to know that I just didnt have the self esteem to even try out for cheerleading. I prob would have loved it but I was afraid I wouldnt make it so I didnt even try. That my daughter tried out and made it makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right:)

My babies (ALL) my babies are truly the best thing I have ever done. I am so blessed to have them all with me and that they are happy and healthy and life is so full and rich for me.

You've heard the song "Lions, Tigers, and Bears" well, in this house we are "Lions, Elephants and a bulldog (the Greenwood Mascot)

the lion

the elephant

and bulldogs

Very fitting that Ree's softball team is called the "Lil Divas". She is on the team with her partner in crime Laynee and they are so fun to watch...
glove ready, hit the ball to me
Both of them are doing so well, that is, until they decide it's breaktime....
She looked at me and said, "I got this mom"...and she did. She was the only girl to hit it to the outfield past all the other girls...

Not sure what she is doing with that pant leg, guess she thinks it's gonna make her hit better not sure?

Laynee and Ree...partners in crime

the day of tryouts, we had to wait and wait and wait for the results..

but she made it...so very proud of her

Like I said, it's pretty busy right now in our house. I am trying to tame several unruly flower beds, and I decided that I am gonna learn how to tile my bathroom and kitchen backsplash so lots coming up.
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once again, thank you.

After the ten days I have just had, leave it to you to re-break my heart all over again. But it's okay. I am fine and each time you do it...I hurt a little bit less.

I can acknowledge you. and the pain you continue to bring me. But you know what, that is not my cross to carry. For all your "words of godliness" and all the ways you try to fill up that whole I know that you can't and I just have to take comfort in the fact that while I am a mistake to you, I am a blessing to so many others.
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