uncensored and raw

i have a confession...i have always wanted to be a writer....Or i used to want to be back when i thought i had a voice. the immaturity of youth and the ideals of the inexperienced make you think you are so smart and the one to set the record straight. somewhere along the way i took off the wendy colored glasses and saw how flawed and just plain ridiculous i acted. and why would i want to broadcast that? so i settled into my routines and found myself just living life. day to day carrying out the kind of existance i had for so long chastised and scoffed.

Somewhere along the way i stopped writing. and i stopped WANTING to write. what i had to say is not shaped by the loss of a child, the harming of my life or tragic circumstance that causes you to say "i can't believe you went through that", i am just me and this is my crazy life. my stories mainly center around drama i created for myself in some way. intentional or not (and most of the time i don't intentionally get myself in the places i find myself) like my favorite quote says "you cannot live IN peace if you are not AT peace"...and i am definately not AT peace.

i replaced my beloved journals with an online journal, telling myself that it is easier to type than to write and i will just print it out and scrapbook it so cleverly and eye appealing. but i don't...

i have alwasy prided myself on the way i write. i loved looking at the script and knowing i did it with my two hands. it's scrolls and swirls and the quirkiness of its appearance based on the way i feel. How i capitlolize every word when i am passionate and confident and in the same thought keep it all lowercase when i turn lazy and unsure.As is the case with my face i don't hide emotions in my writing either. i just write it like it is. good and bad, inappropriate and raw.

i also used to keep my "word of the day" updates handy, getting into the habit of using a new word a day. Now i found that i have traded in words creative in thought for easy, trendy and vague....

i no longer decorate my surroundings with quotes and bible verses. pictures no more tell my life story but merely demonstrate my need to laugh. depression is such an unfair and unfeeling "feeling". i have lived with it off and on for as many years as i can remember. i manage to handle it better at times, and then there are the not so great times, like now.

i don't know if it is the loss of very dear friendships...the revolving door of my marriage, the highs and lows of having so much going on at work-nonstop, or the need to just be better, look better, do better and then realizing i can never be the hero i so desperately want to be.....will i ever be okay to be ....just me?

i have always said that i want to live my life to the fullest. to never have that "i wish i had done this" mentality.

there are so many things i wish i had the courage to do. such as.....
.sing (in public) for my parents
.write a book
.apologize (and get it all out) and mean it
.find my birthmother
.visit a foreign country (malta)
.finish college
.go to AA and give up the sauce (or at least learn to get it under control)
.learn to play the guitar...i used to take lessons
.start a women's group in my area


okay, so that was really personal. and oddly refreshing. maybe i won't delete this post. I made a pact to be cheery and fun in my posting, but this one is just raw. and truthful.

i am such a contradiction. i am my biggest enemy and worst critic, but i love myself more than anyone ever can because i acknowledge and embrace my flaws. (have i lost you yet) i have a honest and real relationship with my god as i see (and more importantly) feel him to be. i am prouldy very deeply routed in my faith, but not churchy or hypocritical. i know i am not a good witnes and don't live my flawed life to be one- follow jesus and what he is to you and not me please. i love obama and all that his place in history means to my family (and in extension) me.being adopted i hate abortion and people that think they have the right to take away or judge anyone else's decisions or life choices. i enjoy alcohol and sometimes i scream out choice cuss words at random inappropriate times. i make jokes at things in life that others find appalling only because it makes it easier to deal. i don't like mean spirited people or people that hate in the name of what they believe in, i have learned that tact does not make you weak, that sometimes speaking your mind does not make you "telling you like IT is" but rather "telling it like YOU are" and not every one wants to or deserves to hear what you have to say. sometimes not saying it says a whole lot more. you should always say I love you when you do, and hug your kids so much they say "you just gave me a hug why do i have to do it again", sick babies break my heart and mommies and daddies who smile in spite of their sick babies inspire me, i want more than the physical and tangible childhood that i had for my kids, i want acceptance and the freedom to make mistakes and to be told it's okay- you are loved in spite of yourself childhood for my kids, whether i am single. married. rich. poor. whatever. i am a contradiction and this just barely touches the surface.

can you tell i am in a "weird place"?