Friday, August 27, 2010

I love you Annie Girl

Rest in Peace my sweet girl

Current mood: indescribable

She had this long blonde hair I was instantly jealous of. An attitude that says mess with me or my friends and I will kick your rear end. Her house was the meeting place everymorning of everyday of school while I went to Greenwood and she was the first to talk to me, accept me, love me. And I was the awkward kid that sat in the bathroom the first pep ralley and cried cause I had never been to a new school and had the same friends till tenth grade.. This chick was so cool, so fun to be around. AND SHE PICKED ME TO BE HER FRIEND... Okay so she did wear those ridiculous brown loafer things with the tassels on and I did laugh my butt off when she fell down the hill on the way to the dinner bell but I loved her all the same. She was my Annnie Noodle girl and I was her dune bug.

The death of a friend is never easy. Its not something that they prepare you for and even though you know it is imminent (she had been sick awhile) even after it happens it just leaves you saying what just happened.

how the heck is it fair that my very vibrant not even 35 year old friend battled cancer 3 times and then had to go through leukemia until it was just too much for her to fight anymore. How is it fair that she never got to have kids, or go through menopause okay, so maybe that last one is a blessing but it just is not fair. but i guess sometimes life is not fair.

i will tell you what it has done. it has made me contact people I put on the backburner and it has made me tell the people that have always been there that i love the hell out of them. It truly is too short that we are here, and you should not wait until you have your heart broken at the loss of someone really special to you to get it through your thick head.

I love you Annnie.........Rest in peace finally oh yeah, and I have Mazzy Star...

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

no reason at all...

Its 11am and I am sitting upright in my bed, green fuzzy robe on slippers close by should I need to venture out of my cozy spot onto my hardwood floor. The strains of The Last Kiss singing ‘Paperweight’ softly wrap my smallest sleeping human in a deep and angelic sleep. Have I even mentioned how I adore naptime (his and mine). My stuffy nose tells me it is almost time to turn off the AC and open the windows, although that will also entail dusting off the old allergy medicine and trusty inhaler (I don’t heart allergies, or asthma).

I did venture outside a bit ago to get the paper. The breeze that blew across my face still adjusting to the brightness of the morning sun was such a much needed relief from the customary scorching wretched heat I have become almost tolerant of. I say almost because I still find myself saying at least once that I hate to sweat (well, in most cases I hate it but that is not G rated or on topic) pardon me as I digress. It’s always amusing to me the things that make or break my mood. This morning I decided to go inside and make my first home brewed pot of coffee (yes, sadly, I am a Starbucks whore) but the Chocolate Swirl with Vanilla Carmel Creamer was so yummy I almost felt like I was cheating on my White Chocolate Mocha. I did say almost didn’t I?

This day is going to be a good one. Because I have proven several things to myself. That I can get out of bed for no reason other than it’s the healthy normal thing to do, even if I am sad and lost. That doing things like being homeroom mom and helping with homework do not take away from being Wendy and those mundane tasks also do not define me or make me less exciting. They make me a mommy and I am okay with that. I can be both.

I also have proven that I can post a boring not doing much but enjoying my life post that is not a bitter diatribe about the wrongs of the world. Not sure if its cause my meds are working and my Bipolar is granting me some solace or if I am just slowly removing my head out of my ass. I’d like to think it’s the later…one can hope. Happy Thursday 
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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

i want to complain...but i cant

It's a trampoline night for me. If you dont know what that is, it's when the babies have been fed, homework done and are in bed (or at least pretending to be long enough so that i can sneak away and lay on my trampoline and process)
Tonight was a hard night for me not to drink. i really wanted to. but I have to stop that self medicating crap and just {"feel the burn"} as my therapist says. so i am feeling it extra stinging tonight.
Let me focus on the good though and just end this post with ten good things that happened today

1. The title came in on my wrecked car so my new car will be here on friday
2. I was able to pay my rent.
3. Kaileigh told me she had a good day and was not mad at me for one single reason (and she is a teenager so that says alot)
4. Emory told me she made some new friends on the bus. big deal for a second grader starting a new school
5. I apologized for something I really did not do but in the sake of keeping the peace did it anyway. It was not well recieved and the old me would be defensive but I am learning you can only do what you can do.
6. Discovered some awesome new music that wants to make me get out of the bed and act like a human being..always a good thing
7. Told one of my best friends that I love them.
8. Did not drink even though i wanted to
9. Did homework with my kids, and found out I get to be homeroom mom for Ree (which i promise you will be a complaint post at a later date but right now it is a positive thing to focus on)
10. Woke up to a little prince that rubbed my cheek and said goodmorning sunshine. your the best mommy in the whole wide world.....

can i say blessed in any more ways than those ten....

did nt think so
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Tuesday, August 24, 2010


27 names for tears

Death, broken, divorce, birth, lost, acceptance, theraputic, betrayal, violation,violence,stolen,grief,abandonment,void,empty,lonely,love,happiness,fulfillment,involuntary,mental illness, disease, pain, over indulgence, found, dreams, knowledge

I have found that one of the most healing things for me is to cry. I am the sap that cries when someone wins a car on the price is right, I am just that happy for that random stranger I have no connection to. I cry when I am touched by a happy story and I am devastated when someone hurts me. But I have realized lately that “those” people don’t hurt me, I hurt them. The tears I cry are most of the time my tortured attempt at convincing myself that someone somehow have wronged me. And really it’s me that is wrong. My way of thinking, the way I handle what I perceive as rejection. It’s not healthy and each time I promise myself that I won’t make the same mistakes I do it all over again. And I promise myself that I won’t be jaded but I am. I am a cynical person desperately wanting to be positive. It’s so easy to realize what’s wrong but how the hell do you fix it? How do you change it and be different, better, whole, healthy? Sometimes I think that I let myself be so embattled with myself because it allows me to be reminded that I am alive. That I am never stuck in one place that would be my worst nightmare. Mediocrity. Katy Perry sings me to sleep each night. Her new song not yet released is called “Pearl” and the words ring in my ears

.. She was a hurricane, but now she’s just a gust of wind. She used to set the sails of a thousand ships was a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, she used to be a pearl. She used to rule the world. Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself. Cause she used to be a pearl. She was unstoppable. moved fast just like an avalanche but now she’s stuck in cement. Do you know that there’s a way out? YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE HELD DOWN. Cause I used to be a shell. Yeah I let him rule my world. But I will come and grew strong and I can still go on and no one can take my pearl. You don’t have to be a shell you’re the one that rules your world. You are strong and you’ll learn that you can still go on and you’ll always be a pearl. She is unstoppable

I want to be a pearl again. I know that the ability to shine is there in me. I know that I have to figure out how to forgive myself and to let go of all of the regret I harbor. I Have to believe in me again. Have to get up off the floor and just get it figured out. Baby steps are not so easy for me; I know it won’t happen overnight. First thing I am trying to learn is patience. I was definitely not blessed with that virtue and that and the grace to accept that some things I can’t control and the plan God has for me is not gonna just magically make sense all the time. And who am I to think that God has to explain it in the first place? I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end…

It’s a very scary thought to think of my children. To know that one day they will grow up and what will be the price for them having me for a mother. I hug them till they tell me I’m holding on too tight. I kiss them till they remind me that I just kissed them five minutes ago. I tell them every day that their lives are gonna be as good or as bad as they make it and I pray so hard that if they take one thing away from my chaos and complication that they know they are wonderful just the way they choose to be and that above all they are loved

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

Did you Forget?

I am notoriously famous for taking things and twisting their meaning around...Take for example this song. It is a love song, but it had different meaning for me.
I find that as time goes by my heart softens.
I will NEVER truly be able to explain my feelings for YOU.
and I will never truly be able to verbalize my intense feelings of loss and sadness
about the way this thing is at this point in our lives.
I can only hope that you read these words and process them in your own way
I just hope that the way you choose to do it is not hurtful or stings my heart...

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Monday, August 09, 2010

and then there was this...

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart."

— Nicholas Sparks

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