Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Ultimate Indulgence

I am going to pause my "as of late" seemingly unending posts chock full of angst and turmoil and post on something I honestly love.

Have I told you that I love UFC. (if you ask me if that is wrestling i might just cuss you) I'm sure it says something of my character that I am obsessed with such a brutal and barbaric sport. But really all the reasons I love it are centered around the very valid fact that it is NOT brutal and barbaric.

I constantly find myself defending the love I have for following this underestimated and vastly misunderstood event. To me anyway, I am so enamored and impressed by the ability of one individual to train, and study their opposing fighter's nuances and technique, and then discipline himself to use nothing but his mind to outwit the other individual. Because I mean really, all sports are about overpowering,outwiting, BEATING, the other team right? Football, Baseball, Basketball...the do require talent and practice yes. But for me Ultimate fighting is so much more intense and personal. There is no team to hide behind or other player to fall back on. It's you and only you and even the smallest mistake could cost you your title. I have seen young men,old men, skinny mean, fat mean, most hated and overall fan favorite lose...or even more exciting is watching the underdog win. I don't know. can't explain it. it's just exciting and thrilling for me and I am hooked...

My favorites are random and ecclectic. I can usually pick a winner in the first 60 seconds of the fight (if it lasts that long) and really my only major turn off is a bad attitude. I can appreciate confidence but not cockiness..Here are some of my favs.









So, guess after having said all that I have to say that I just wish more people had an open mind and not be so dismissive. If people think that this is any more brutal than any of the sporting events like basketball or football games I don't even really try to persuade them otherwise. It is just something I enjoy and find impressive..and now I am gonna go enjoy my DVR full of fights....

post signature

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I'm Fearless.....

If that's the way you love... You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends...And I'm alright within
Your never going to see me cry

Cause I've cried

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love out on the street

I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If this is how it hurts it couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall
Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss

We learn to build another wall.......

Till it falls

So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me that's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street

I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved
And if I end up lonely

At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love

Go on, go on break my heart
I'll be okay

I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless


post signature

Monday, April 12, 2010

Anatomy of a Lucky Girl

I have a confession. Since Ryan and I split I have put my addictive personality into working out. I just need to be doing something with all this emotion that I feel. The build up that comes from a love unrequited and the knowledge that I was just a pit stop for him....churns and churns in my stomach. I have to release that build up of hurt somehow. And running around the track umpteen times and taking it out on a pair of weights and repeated sets of lunges just seems such the right thing to be doing. Set that to the soundtrack of my life (as stored on my ipod) just feels.....liberating. Like my skinny girl self that I have somehow been neglecting as of late is the one pounding on my stomach.

As I was sweating to the goodies I glanced at myself in the mirror...Gray Nikes, Black workout pants that fit a little too snug, white sports bra and mint green shirt (okay, showing a little too much booby for me, but it's not a personal choice, you got to work with what you were given) I thought about what I was seeing...

LET'S START WITH THE FEET,The ones that really are just trying to walk day by day in a path that will one day lead me to a more peaceful stable place than I am right now. I would not ask you to know how to walk in my shoes I just want you to not try to shove shoes on my feet that don't fit. I change my outfits quite often and I just hope that the people that I love know that eventually I will find one that fits. Some are a better look on me than others, but love me despite the shoes I wear. and know that I am just walking in them day by day...

THESE ARE THE KNEES, I fall to them often. They are bruised and over used. I know that when I can't stand I have to kneel. My God is a good and forgiving God who loves me and is there when I talk to him...I notice my knees mainly as a reminder TO MYSELF...that I don't talk to him enough.

HERE MY ATTENTION TURNS TO MY BUM, Thinking of all the people that I need to tell to kiss it. I can't please everyone and I really have said my piece to all that I need to and to hang on to the negative and unhealthy is just adding pounds to the unwanted weight. It is time to move on and shape up...

THESE ARE THE ARMS, That held him...and ache for him...but instead of trying to fill them up with some random guy I choose to fill them up with my babies. When it all comes down to it my greatest source of joy and accomplishment has been my children. That has to be my focus right now, and my arms are more than filled by them. I don't have a reason to be so achey...(except for this BodyPump class that is kicking my tail)

THESE ARE THE SHOULDERS, Trying to carry all this weight. Being a single mommy of three very active, very special babies..Trying to get through school so I can get a real job making real money, working through a very tough breakup with a boy that by all accounts is so very wrong for me but in reality was just what I needed, Feeling bad because I can't be what M needs me to be and I really dont want to try anymore, Loving my family and appreciating the support and amazing love they give me, trying to be sober and present and living the best life I can.....

THIS IS THE NECK, That misses his kiss, his breath hot on my skin. Knowing that someday....oh please someday I will feel that passion and butterflies again. Right now I have to learn to hold it high. Steadfast in the knowledge that I am trying to be a good person and an even better mommy...And it helps that I learned how to apply the spray tan that makes my long neck look a little less sickly... was that shallow or what???

THESE ARE THE EYES that right now are a little red and irritated and raw. Not so much from crying (which I have not done much of lately) but from allergies. I want them to be clearer, sharper, brighter, shinier. I want to have honest and caring and compassionate eyes. Eyes that make my babies feel safe and comforted and loved...

THIS IS THE BRAIN, that thinks too hard. over-reacts too quickly, reminds herself of the bad. The one that constantly reminds herself she has been called a mistake and told she is too much of ....fill in the blanks.
I pray for the mercy of being able to shut it off. I long for the whatever it is that allows other people to seperate the crap from the way I think. I dream of the ability to KNOW what is reality and what is the un=necessary drama that I bring on myself.

HERE ARE THE LIPS, that used to kiss him but now make it a practice to kiss my babies instead. The lips that try so hard not to speak in anger and hatred and immaturity. Sometimes I can't always follow the advice of wise lips knowing how to hold their words....but I want to. does that count?

So as I am sweating and telling myself not to stop with the weight bar, the lunges, the squats...I am seeing the improvement. I lost 4 pounds this week alone. and while that is not a signifigant amount it is something. it's a start....and I just have to keep it up.. and it reminds me that I am work in progress. and together with the people that are most important to me, I know that I will continue to see improvement.

post signature

Friday, April 09, 2010

25 things Wendy....right now anyways

25i hate to capitolize my i's for some reason. not sure why.i'm sure there is some psychological reason behind it (i.e. low self esteem) but really i think i am just lazy

24despite my divorce i still believe in love. still know it's out there and KNOW that i will find my happily ever least i hope so.

23seperates my skittles (or any colored candy for that reason) by same color and eats them in two's. i roll down the window (cause i really only eat candy in the car for some reason) and throw the oddball out..

22Am still waiting for Tupac to release a video from some random South African country where he has been in hiding surrounded by lots of "pimps,ho's,and greatness" the alternative is just too sad.

21Not saying she is a ho but I just KNOW that Aaliyah is with Tupac. Writing sweet music and making a gaggle of babies. Think how pretty those babies would be..

20Wonders why every dang car i pass on the road is a old red Dodge...or at least why i ONLY notice the old red Dodges, and the green ones, and the black ones. Who notices Dodges?

19Wonders how you can form such a strong attachment with people you have never met? I have this one chick, who is blood, but if i don't talk to her EVERYDAY i feel off. That tangible connection to all things Wendy i guess, never had that before and now that i am experiencing it i see what the fuss is about. connections, communication, family is really what it is all about

18is really getting sick of talk of the health care reform bill. i get it that you are upset and that you dont agree. but don't send me an email with a picture of  toilet paper with Obama on it talking about toilet paper with shit already on it...come on now. THIS REALLY DID HAPPEN BY THE WAY

17wishes we as a society had more to talk about than Sandra Bullock, Tiger Woods, sightings of Brangelina's million kids and Ricky Martin being gay. I am all for celebrity gossip. Have on my phone for quick reference. But i read it while i'm going to the bathroom or at some governent office and i am sick of it being deemed NEWS.... let's talk about something else for a change

16Wishes that as a stipulation for employment in a government office you have to have experience in whatever you are the case worker for.. (i.e. welfare for food stamp workers, unemployment for unemployment case workers) a little compassion people. SOME of us are not there cause we want to be!!

15is a huge Twilight fan, dont get me wrong. but do we really NEED another Twilight book? Think Superman, 48 hours, Weekend at Bernies and take your pick of Marvel Comic movies...

14is going to my first Zumba class this Sunday...i am NOT a latin dancer and i don't LOOK like i could pass for one so this should be interesting

13MADE my oldest daughter read the bedtime story to my middle daughter last night...a five minute long book and you would have thought i'd ask for her kidney..sheesh.

12made crab legs and spinach and cheeese tortellini for dinner tonight. Do you think I voided all my hard work at the gym tonight?

11right now my obsessions (tv wise) are 16 and pregnant (which I make my 12 year old watch with me), Intervention, Celebrity Rehab and General say i am a fan of the trainwreck is an understatement. and somehow i am comforted by the fact that maybe i am just a fender bender after all..

10Do you know how hard it is to come up with 25 original and clever things to post about here? Don't believe me? try it yourself

9Has not seen The Blind Side yet, and don't know if i want to? But then i held out for Twilight (both books and movie) till it came out on DVD and Kaileigh made me watch it one night...

8Hopes i get to visit Malta (and Forks) before i die. i know, big hopes and dreams huh.

7has an alter ego named Stephanie. Seriously, ask my friends. she is the psycho crazy person that comes out from time to time and i have been asked if they were talking to me or to her. i should prob. dig a little deeper into that with my therapist...LOL

6thinks i am finally getting the hang of being a single mommy of three. i said thinks people

5wishes that i could tell off M. maybe tell of is not the correct phrase-ology. I wish that i could maturely and honsestly communicate how devestating her choices were and continue to be. i wish i had the security in me to follow the serenity prayer and i wish i did not have 4 in the morning breakdowns cause i am so conflicted and angry with her.

4wish Alicia Keys was what i thought her to be. i just really fell in love with her on falling. and since then i just don't get it. that is a personal opinion. i never loved Mary J either. so call me tasteless. i just can't do it. Give me some Hope, Francesca Battistelli, Beyonce (as cliche as that is), Hayley from Paramore, Leona Lewis, Shania Twain,Martina McBride, Pink, even Keri Hilson...just DONT play me Alicia or Ms. Blige. ugh

3Since we are on the topic of music let me put out there how much i love men artists SO MUCH more than females..could list em for days but right now i love John Mayer, David Gray, Ray Lamontaigne, Fred Hammond, Drake, Maxwell, Trey Songz, J Holliday, Adam Lambert (don't hate), Michael Buble (can't make the mark above his name but you get it), give me a guy...and a guitar...and it's all over....

2Speaking of music, can Ray J just find a girl already.

1so i did cheat. most of the bottom part of this list was musically inclined. I was gonna go into books. but that would be the whole 25 right there ( i am a nerd like that with my music and my books) but that is okay. this was my least for this night....

tommorrow is Saturday. big night out for me with some really good friends just kicking it up at the old folks home (reference to the bar we are going's in a hotel and NOT frequented by the younger crowd) but i know it will be a much needed night of NOT being student, job seeker, ex girlfriend, or'll just be about me all signature

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Genie oh Genie..where are you Genie?

~Wishes that YSTB would call...

~Wishes that my kids would leave my reusable bags alone (you know, the bags that they sell for a buck so that you won't have to use plastic bags) I have them in the very back of my truck FOR A REASON...and it's not to hold sweaty DC tennis shoes or Little Pet Shop dolls or rocks...ugh. If I were to get in my mom's stuff I would have pinch marks visible to remind me to stay the hell away

~Wishes that BodyPump class at my gym did not make me feel like I'd been to BodyPulp

~Wishes that everyone loved the songs "Electric Feel" and "I Don't Believe You" as much as I do

~Wishes that my library fine would mysteriously disappear..I mean, sheesh, I brought the dang book back in one piece sans chocolate stains and folded down pages marking where I left off

~Wishes my chin would clear up and that zits would go AWAY...I mean, I am 32 NOT 12 and enough already

~Wishes my kids bird Jonas would stop dropping poop and bird seed thingys all over my dresser. How did I end up with the pile of feathers anyway? Oh yeah, cause my youngest kid wants to choke the poor innocent animal if I would let him...What was I thinking? like 4 dogs, 2 fish and 3 kids was not enough for me to take care of...

~Wishes my benedryl would work and I could go to sleep..or at least allow me to breathe. I am not picky

Okay, so this was a little more than 3 wishes. What can I say...I'm a dreamer.