putting a face to a name

well, where do i start?

i am happy to report that my heart has slowed down, and is beating normally again. what a week i have had. yesterday was something i don't think i can really describe in words, but here goes my attempt.

i made myself run errands most of the morning so i would not be pacing (and screaming at my kids)
got a little carried away with the spray tan, but oh well at least i did not look like a chemo patient in need of sunlight, went to visit Alicia at the beauty supply store, was gonna vacuum and wash the ford but vetoed that idea
and then i went home.

like i said, i was not going to plan what i wore. so i just put on my favorite shirt (isnt it funny how you can revisit clothes and wonder why you used to think you looked so hot in something when in reality.....you kind of did not) still love that shirt though, and it covered up some of the spray tan mess.

as i was sitting there re-reading letters i had written to "Maureen" over the years i get a text.

"i'm here"

i dropped a bunch of the papers on the floor and went to open the door. and sitting in my driveway is my mom. and the part that i can't describe in anyway you would understand is the feeling i got when i looked at her, and i was looking at myself. especially the eyes, man, that part was nuts!!

we kind of met halfway and she just wrapped her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug i think i have ever received. Being a sensory person i could not help but breathe her in. i forgot to ask her what kind of perfume she wears but i will never forget that smell. wonderful comfortable, loving smell.

so we both kind of stood there for awhile and then we went inside. talking to her was such a free-ing peaceful thing. Hearing my history and all the things my family has in common just gave me this feeling of "ah-ha" i do fit in, that did come from somewhere. She did not know much about my dad. and you know what, that is okay. this is enough to process for right now. i got to ask questions and hear stories and mainly i heard how she did think of me, it did bother her (although she feels she did the right thing) and she does love me. what more can i ask for?

the fact that Mauren does events (which i have been doing for awhile) one of my sisters just got her license to do hair (which i did) and the other one is going to finish massage therapy school (which i also did). Maureen showed me pictures of my aunt and i favor her too. it was just so neat. (i do have pictures but for some reason i can't upload them but i will post asap)

she gave me a ring. it was a ring that she wore when she was 16 and it is so dainty and precious and i don't ever want to take it off. She also gave me two teacup/saucer antiques that her va-va
(pronounced vu-va if that makes any sense) which is portuguese for grandma. Yes, my family is portuguese and spanish (which Kaileigh thinks is so cool, she brought home her spanish dictionary from school and is driving me nuts telling me we need to learn spanish).
i also got a ton of pictures of aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents and various relatives. the ones i cherish the most are of my mom, her husband Eddie and my sisters (who i can't wait to meet) i just wonder what they will think of having a big sister? that should be interesting.
she gave me a copy of what looks like a baby book, and her kindergarten graduation diploma (which i am going to frame) i can't believe that she is a "thing" person like me and that she had no idea how much having these daily reminders of her means to me.

she really is such a special person. as you can see i don't feel like we are strangers. and i loving every minute of this experience, something i never thought i would see. i am so thankful that my family is being so supportive as well, i love them so much (although we don't always see eye to eye and get along) i really needed them to understand that i needed this. that it is about who i am and who i struggled to become all those years and not that i love them anyless now than i always have and always will.

how lucky am i!!

so you see it was the start of a great thing for me. As Maureen says we could write a script for a lifetime movie.

i wonder who would play me????

the night before

so i tell you, i am nervous.

not just a litttle......A LOT

tonight i was walking through the store trying to decide what new cute shirt i should buy and it dawned on me how unfair this really is. Most people that meet their mother for the first time get to be naked.

WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO BE THE LUCKY ONE TO HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT TO WHERE TO MEET MINE?

story of my life really though, don't know why i am suprised.

so i bought myself flowers instead and decided that in the morning i will get up and whatever shirt that screams my name when i walk in my closet. that is what i will wear.

i got on facebook and wrote one of my two twin sisters a letter. i would write the other one (and i will) but i don't know if she knows about me yet or what she thinks, so i will just hold off on that letter. i just want them both to know that i am thinking of their feelings, that it is okay if they feel weird about this (cause i sure do) and that i am so thankful and just humbled that i get to go through this at all (remember now, i have fantasised and dreamed and sometimes cussed this mysterious Maureen since i found out at 10 years old that i was adopted, but i never really knew her to be REAL,,,,,and now she will be)

My adopted mom and dad (i have never refered to them that way, kindof odd really to be typing it now), and my sister JaLana and brother Adam are almost too excited for me. I just keep waiting for them to react in the way i just know they feel, but they don't. Which is good cause i may snap on them.And i am trying to be understanding of their feelings, but when I don't know how i feel it is kind of hard to be sensitive to other people's feelings, odd to say the least!!!! I do love them for being so supportive and unselfish, guess they know they can't get rid of me in spite of all of this :) They are kind of stuck with me~~~

so here i am, the night before i meet my birthmother. i should be cleaning and planning what i am going to wear and how i will fix my hair

instead i am drinking a glass of wine and reflecting on which one of my life goals i will conquer next since this one is coming true....

and if you believe i am that calm bless your heart.......

....to be continued

not so wordless wednesday

Here I am, posting about my birthmother.

how nuts is that?

I don't think I could even really explain how surreal this is to have play out the way it is. I don't know if it is really real to me. What do you think next when one of your life long dreams, goals, fantasies and unresolved life hang-ups emails you one day and in one hour long phone call answers so many questions. And she is not going anywhere, I don't know what to say about that except that dreams come true means such a different thing to me now.

and how lucky are you that you get to listen to me ramble on and on about it for days :)

PAUSE: okay, I just realized how old these songs are on my playlist, guess I will need to work on that soon. sorry guys,

anyway, back to my post. talked to my family AT LENGTH about this and they are suprisingly cool about the whole thing. They know me and they know what this means to me and that I would do it with or without them and at least this way they can be nosey about it and get all the details from me (and not my blog) so i do have to say thanks to them.

Talking to her and listening to all the similarites just feels good. I have always clung to any kind of sense of belonging to my family that i could conjure up. It used to bug me to look around and not to be able to relate. to see myself in any of my family members. And I hated it that my mom and dad and I are just so different. Polar opposites. Maybe that is why we clashed so many times on so many things. It was hard to live up to their perfection. Dont get me wrong, i always knew i am loved and i still feel that way, just sometimes they put restriction and limitations on giving me that love.

how's that for brutally honest?

i stayed up really late and collected all the letters i have written her over the years (and i write constantly so it is a lot of pieces of paper) and then i wrote her a letter in a new way, i have a face to put with a name. Do you know what it is like to write to a name for 11 years and not know who you are writing to? i hope she understands some of them might be hard to read, but it was just all the broad range of emotions i have felt growing up trying to deal with this.

i also wrote her husband. and my sistsers. i just said that i respect them. That i can tell how close they are and how much love they have for each other and that i dont want to intrude or invade and i get it if they need time. i just hope they have a place in their hearts for me.

man, i dont know where i want this to go. i have no expectations and i cant really define any of this at all. i just know i have dreamed of this for so long and now that it is here i want to just take it all in and thank my lord for this unbelievable gift.

this will be a long one, so grab some popcorn

So I am trying to decide what words to use to describe how I feel right now. I write a line, erase that line.
write 3 lines, delete that too.
my usually busy mouth is failing me now.

but i digress, let me at least attempt to fill in the blanks so you will understand what my rambling post is about.

I have made no secret about my love of Troy the Locator and how I was gonna stalk his blog and the WE website until he flew out to Arkansas and helped me find my birthmother. I just think it is so great that he helps people find who they are looking for. He makes it look so easy, wrapping up a lifetime of searching in one 30 min. tv show. hugs, tears and everyone is hunky dory (did I just use that word???).Honestly I just did not think that would be me.

Really, I had made myself stop looking. it was just becoming too sad and obsessive for me. Not knowing who Maureen is (I have known her name for about 11 years now after I got my records from the place that I was adopted out of) Did she have a family? Do I have brothers and sisters and would they be jealous of me and think that I could or would want to just invade their lives?

and most of all I just wanted to know did she ever think of me?

I wrote letter after letter to her. I think my first journal entry to her was in the fourth grade and it never failed, ever Christmas and Birthday and each of the days my children were born I wrote to her. Never for one second did I see myself giving her those journal entries. I blog about it, it comes up in conversation. Being adopted has always been a part of my life. And I had learned to be okay with it.

until yesterday (cue the music....dun dun dunnnnnnnnn)

I told you about my weird email. Not so much weird as it was intriguing. First thing I did was call my mom to get her take on it. Then I called my sister. I emailed back to the gentlemen and then started to turn off my computer (cause I figured it would be a week or two before I heard back and even then I was sure he was gonna say "nevermind, wrong person"

but he did not. and he was not really a he. He was Maureen.

yes, my birthmother found me!

I am not sure what to think. or feel. or say. I just know I have imagined this day for so long and I am trying to process it all without scaring her off. I just don't know how to take it slow. but I will. first things first I guess. My sister JaLana thinks that Maureen looks like me. First thing she did was start internet stalking the poor woman. Myspace, Facebook, my sister could be a PI if she wanted to.

not me, I am kind of dense that way. and I was too chicken so I let her do all the investigative work.

JaLana did discover that Maureen has a husband. He is the name she used in the first couple of emails she sent me and he has this honest, sincere, kind and loving look about him. We also discovered that I have two, 20-year- old twin sisters. TWINS. and since they are younger than me guess that makes me the big sister. I was kindof floored by how pretty they are. And the bond they have with Maureen is so obvious, dont know really how that makes me feel.
Guess that makes me the big sister (wait, I said that already didn't I?) . Okay, weird, I don't think I will go there just yet. I am so scared mostly of what they will think. Will they like me and do they even want to know me at all?

Do any of them want to know me? This is just nuts. I am going to slow down and just go do some laundry or clean something. This thinking about it is making me a wreck.

It is what it is. and I will be okay with however it turns out I just wanted to know and now I partly do. The rest will play out however it is supposed to.

p.s. she is supposed to call tonight (however can I wait that long?)

lawn mowing, curtain rods and a mysterious email

Woke up this morning feeling like this (yes, i have used this pic before....but i just love it so i am re-posting) i put the little plastic zip tie thingey on the dryer coil so dust would stop blowing all over my laundry room (who knew), hung some curtains in my room, i installed the rod for my closet and hung up all my clothes (except for the disgusting pile sitting in the floor waiting for me to wash, dry and throw it back on the floor till i get sick of looking at it ---or if a boy comes over)

wait, totally inappropriate comment strike that thought...or at least don't tell anyone i said it out loud. i am supposed to be in mouring my failed marriage and all.

then i decided to tackle my jungle...er yard. i am not ashamed to admit i have been lucky enough to con.....convince someone to help me mow my yard. and now, my dad is claiming age, my brother is off in his own marital bliss, kaileigh is not old enough yet for me to force..bribe,,, beg and demand her to do it (yet) and my ex is out of the question. so that leaves me.

i got the front done and this is what i felt like......

screw the backyard, at least my neighbors will stop giving me, "gee why did we get YOU for a neighbor look" good enough, rocky the conqueror is now rocky the mouse (wasnt bullwinkle's sidekick something like a mouse? i will have to google that.

so anyway, after a shower and a redbull i am checking my email and what do i see? this is the email i got;

Wendy,

Saw your info and would like more
information. I think I know your birthmother. M

name with held (he did give me his name i
just don't think he would want me to post it on my
blog)

needless to say i was freaked. i called my mom to get her opinion and she was all for me answering him so i did. his name is not M by the way, that is the first initial of my birthmother's name. It is just so scary cause you always hear stories of people taking advantage and trying to get money for this or that to "help you search" and that would just break my heart. i am determined to not get my hopes up but how freakin cool would that be if my birthmother FOUND me. i just know that all the questions of life would be answered and i would be made whole......okay, nice thought but i am only kidding. i would be really happy though. And then i could stop emailing and begging Troy the Locator to help me :)

i keep promising pics of the new house, they are coming soon (gotta find the cord so i can upload them to my computer, i packed a little too well for my liking)

until then i will leave you with this image....little man has a mohawk (thanks to the ex)

no, i am not dead

so, it has really been since the 19th since i have posted last. i won't count how many days exactly that has been....but it has been a long dang time i know.

and it was not by choice, let me tell you. i have moved into my newly divorced pad, and it's a good thing i don't listen to my parents anymore (like i ever did) but my dad's response upon the first inspection of my new paradise was to comment "well, you've lived in worse places"
hmphhhh.... some people have no vision of greatness to come.

me on the other hand, i am inspired by all the blood, sweat and money that will have to poured into this place to have it where i invision it to be.

it's an old farmhouse with a back yard so big only a lawn boy charging by the hour could lust over. it has crown molding and shelving and original REAL (not laminate) wood flooring and best of all........4 BEDROOMS (not that it will keep the munchkins out of my bed) but still, I am pumped. It has character and i just feel like it is a good place to start my new chapter in life and to hell with snotty comments from people that don't have to live here. go back to your own boring house and talk all you want.

my neighbors are my landlords (hahahaha) they have lived on this block for 42 MARRIED years, which will tell you how old they are, and they are just as cute as can be. the chicken houses down the street are not so cute but hey, it only smells at night. :)

so any way, i know i have been awol for awhile so i have a LOT of catching up to do. thank you NOLA for reminding me why i adore you so much, it's nice to know i was missed :) and pictures are forthcoming

Friend Making Mondays...only I am doing it on Tuesday

Okay, so if I do only one post a week it is always going to be a FMM post (yes, i know it is Tuesday but i am in transition and feeling a bit off right now)

here we go;

the intro (i shamelessly just copied and am posting Kasey's it is her baby after all)

Welcome to another Monday here at All That Is Good! Monday's are always fun here because it means it time to make some bloggin' friends!!!You can go HERE for the rules and facts about this fun little bloggin' game. I have made some of my favorite friends from FMM. Thanks girls!




Today's task: Copy and paste these questions to your blog and give them your own answers.


You wouldn't be caught dead where?: Mason's in the mall. It is truly painful to think of how much money is spent there



Do you have any hidden talents?: I can bend all of my fingers till they are all the knuckle of the finger next to the one I am bending. Kindof looks like a webbed hand. weird i know but i had alot time on my hands during ISS while in High School. :)


Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at: things that require coordination, childraising and making all things crafty


Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at:
Math and housework


Have you ever won a trophy?:
If you have met my mother you know that I have many

Name one thing not many people know about you:
That i write and can cross stich.

Name your earliest memory:
being at the babysitter's that my parents took me too when I was little and watching "Guiding Light"

What was your favorite musical group in jr. high?:
I was obsessed with New Kids on the Block........am i telling my age now or what

What was something the worst roommate you ever had did?:
I brought her up to the big city where I lived (and hour away) let her stay with me for free, got her a job and she repayed me by sleeping with half the town, losing her job and doing so many drugs she had a seizure in front of my child.
good friend huh!



When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?:
i was going to be a interior designing, kindgergarten teaching, singing, taxi driver


What was your worst dating experience?:
i hate dating, always have. it is so much easier to go on NON-dates



If you were about to die what would your last meal be?:
something with crab meat and cheese



Who is the most important person in you life?:
definately my kids (okay, so that is 3 people)



If your house was on fire what 3 things would you grab on your way out?:
Since we have a fire plan that involves everyone knowing who they are in charge of seeing out i would grab things. my box of pictures, cellphone, and the pig my sister bought me the day they took me home from the center i was adopted from



Okay! There are your questions...now go forth and answer them! Don't forget to sign in at Kasey's place and leave your name and URL with Mr. Linky! And thanks for joining in with the fun!

much needed low key weekend

so no, i did not forget that i have to finish my last post, but my brain is too mushy right now to work that hard. i am so content to report that i had a much needed low key weekend. i did not get to move but i did sign my lease, so the joys of relocation will take place next weekend. i got to hang with an old but new friend on Saturday and that was much needed and very relaxing (well, as relaxed as you can feel after laughing so hard you basically wet your pants.) that girl is funny!
today is Mother's Day. my own mom is consumed by her various gardens so i bought her a clematis (had to be purple) to plant (was gonna be a good daughter and do it myself but a) it's allergy season and i hate going outside and b.) it was raining
other than that, it's almost 9pm and i am going to bed :)
Happy Mother's Day friend.

as you are reading my post listen closely for the strains of the Rocky theme song playing in the background

man, that was a looong post title huh? BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL!!!

after a long search i can happily report i have found a new place to make breakup cds and watch Twilight.

(translation: i found a new house and am moving this weekend)

have not figured out the part about how to pay for it and food every month, but hey, i like to live dangerously so it'll work out.

and to top off THAT exciting news I have run (well, half run-half walked) 2 miles for the past few days......

see I told you

i am sorry to report though that i have cleared out all e-z mart, conoco, fast trip and white oak stations shelves of this product....


so if you live within a ten mile radius of me, sorry. you'd think by now i would remember to get the big bottle at Wal-mart but no. not me. anyway, hopefully i will have some fun pics of the new pad soon :) :)

Friend Making Mondays...man I just did this post

Today Friend Makin Mondays is being guest hosted by Amber over at AEFILKINS


and here is what she wants to know (oh yeah, if you don't know what FMM is by now visit Kasey @ ALL THAT IS GOOD to get the scoop.)

Name 5 toys that remind you of your childhood:

Which is not as easy as it looks when you want to be original and creative (and everyone else already did their posts a million hours ago, cause I don't get off of work till 6pm now. sniff) so bear with me as I try to be clever.

okay, so once I got started I could not stop, this was a fun one

here we go

NUMBER 1. ahhhh. many happy hours were spent playing with my brothers He-Man "Masters of the Universe" toys. I was not so into She-Ra for some reason just the man with the silver breastplate fighting off Skeletor and Snake Mountain. good times good times. Heck, I even saw the movie

NUMBER 2 is my good ol pogo ball



that is until the air all went out of it and I twisted my ankle on the dang thing.

NUMBER 3 still gives me goosebumps when I think of that freaky electronic sound but I loved my Simon game all the same



NUMBER 4 is my PRE-Tetris obsession ATARI (imagine if you could have taken that into the bathroom like I can my gameboy. I could have skipped Jr. High and just been so less worse for the wear )



and no list of my favorite childhood toys would be complete without the good old lite bright




many happy hours were spent spelling out naughty words aimed at my mom for making me go to bed at 8:30 (AND I WAS 14), or for not letting me watch 90210 (altough I did it anyway), having to wear identical matching dresses she made me and my sister to church all the time, and who could forget the hideous yellow shag carpet and sunflower wallpaper (that if I had my choice I would use in my room in a heart beat now!!!) ah the pain....I mean joys of childhood. This trip down memory lane sure was swell.....:)

Happy Birthday Nola

Friend Making Mondays

So I am actually going to get to post a Friend Making Monday post ON Monday!!! I feel accomplished (until I look at my messy house and to do list that is) but anyway, back to FMM. If you don't know what Friend Making Monday is visit here and Kasey over at ALL THAT IS GOOD will fill you in.


This is how it goes:


“5 Senses Tag”
We are to list 4 things we love, and one thing we dislike, for each category.



Smell
Like:
1. Yankee Candles, the clean scents that is (flowery scents, not so much)
2.Newly lotioned up baby skin
3. Fresh air coming in through my windows (until my allergies kick in and I am sneezing, blowing my nose, and convinicing my kids no mommy is not crying)
4. Going over to my mom and dad's and walking into their closet and smelling one of them. Sounds weird I know but it is such a comforting familiar smell and as I get older I really appreciate and miss that feeling.
Dislike:
1. How my kids smell like a wet dog after they have played really hard


Touch
Like:
1. My son's baby blankets. The chenille-ee feeling ones with the silk on one side and the bumps of the raised material on the other. Especially when he is in my lap and I am rocking him to sleep.
2. The feel of water when you get to go swimming for the first time in summer
3. I love to play in the rain (especially in the evening when I have had a long day) It feels good to not care, to just let the rain fall on me and dance or spin or jump on the trampoline (okay, so that sounds very immature I know)
4. Clean Sheets. I love when I put fresh sheets on the bed and then crawl in...it's the best!
Dislike:
1. Cleaning the sink after washing very dirty dishes. I can't even telling you what looking at all the food wet, squishy and mixed together does to me. UGH

Sound
Like:
1. Hearing a small child mispronounce (sp?) a word.
2. The sound of my children's laughter. You know, the big belly laugh
3. Rain (are we seeing a pattern here) on my window
4. A slow sweet song that means something to me
Dislike:
1. This is a tie between whining and the sound of electricity flowing through the light bulbs in a public place (like the health department or when I was in Jr. High)

Taste
1. strawberry banana smoothies from Sonic
2. Cottage cheese
3. homemade mashed potatos with lots of butter and sour cream and cheese
4. Dr. Pepper after I have not had any to drink for awhile
Dislike:
1. peas. vomit!!!!!

Sight
Like:
1. grass, leaves, flowers, anything that grows newly in Spring
2. sunsets, stars, clouds and rain
3. half off or buy one get one free signs
4. My kids when they do something for the first time, especially when they figure it out on their own
Dislike:
1. Harm done to children. It breaks my heart (even if it is fictional in the movies) I think that is the worst thing you could ever do, hurt a child

There you have it! All 5 Senses covered: Good and the bad!

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....

all my bills have all gotten paid
i saved the bad, i broke the bank
this could have been a slow song
a laundry list of all the wrongs
but at the end of the day
this is my beautiful disaster piece I’ve made
and it goes, and i quote, and i never would lie:

i don't understand the numbers
but my faith is in the math
and the odds are all this pain will even out in the end
and we'll look back and laugh


and to all the hearts i've broken
and the ones that once broke mine
i've got suspicions all will be forgive in time
all you gotta do is call them up and say:

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....
this will all make perfect sense someday
there’s got to be a reason for the rain

and if it ever gets bad, i mean really bad
i'll move to Nova Scotia and forget the life i had
be up at nine each morning down by the shore
collecting things that fell off boats in storms
Okay, so i might never but it’s nice to know the options there
the options there...

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....
this will all make perfect sense someday
there’s got to be a reason for the rain
a reason for the rain, a reason for the rain
the reason for the rain, for the rain

and it doesnt help that i keep biting my lip in the same place

i know this is my second post but i have to, bear with me

So after I read Kasey's post over at ALL THINGS GOOD, and then I went to MY CHIHUAHUA BITES and saw her post I decided to join in on the fun. so hear goes my FRIEND MAKING MONDAY, DONE ON ALMOST WEDNESDAY post

WHO ARE YOUR TOP 5 CELEBRITY CRUSHES.

In order from 5 to 1 here goes. Keeping in mind I totally stick to character so I will refer to them as how i see them in my fantasies people....

NUMBER 5 is Travis Barker
yes, I know he is completely covered in tattoos and looks like he has not showered in days, but I am kindof into that in some unexplained way. plus, i have always liked a bad guy with attitude and I loved "Meet the Barkers"



NUMBER 4 is Lucas Scott
Even though in real life Chad Michael Murray is a two timer who prefers 19 year old girls remember I said I STAY IN CHARACTER and Lucas Scott loves Peyton and is a good guy at heart, and he is a writer...how hot is that :)



NUMBER 3 is JASON MORGAN from General Hospital
Okay, so he is not with Sam which is a HUGE reason I fast forward through most of my DVR'd episodes stopping only for the scenes with the two of them in it. They are supposed to get back together so my faith in soaps will be restored if and when that happens.....



NUMBER 2 was really hard for me. I feel a little torn here guys. but i am going to go with EDWARD CULLEN
Notice that once again it is all about the character. I love this mysterious smooth intense creature. Rob, not so much.




NUMBER ONE may seem an odd choice, but it's JOHN MAYER
I have this thing for a man that can sing. I think it is admirable that I chose a not so hot guy as my number one. My baby's godmother will appreciate that in ways that might allow her to forgive my other choices (ha ha, huh Syard) I just have this thing for the singing my own angst thing. might be the depression talking, but I have the songs "comfortable" and "in repair" on repeat right now



so there you have it, my top 5. i think i am seeing a disturbing pattern in guys i am attracted to right now. and it is kind of scaring me.......

colors in Spanish and snot nose kids

Today i was at work, preschool graduation is coming up and we are busy getting ready for the singing of the colors in Spanish, and counting from 5 to 100 by 5's and who could forget "see you later alligator, see you later friends of mine, we had a great year give a BIG cheer, we sure had an awesome time" (sung to Ol my darlin).

all those things that make parents think their kids are ready for kindergarten. And don't get me wrong, my kids are ready (most of them anyway) I am not too sure about the glue eating, nose picking, give me that toy or i will hit you with a wooden block bully but that is another story. Is it wrong of me to wish that one of these days one of the kids grows some cahonas and just whacks him up the side of the head with the wooden xylophone sticks???

bad teacher bad!!!

Anyway, back to my day. We were filling out the ALL ABOUT ME papers that will go on my bulletin board with cute little cap and gown pictures and I had one of those moments that made me completely tear up. I will admit, I have a favorite. This petite little boy that looks like he is 3 years old he is so small, but has a beautiful face that reminds me of Isaiah is my favorite. His name is Abhinar (pronounced ABI, dont know how that is possible but that is how they say it) He speaks with an accident, his family is from India. I just love the heck out of him. He is so adorable. He speaks with a stutter and his volume is so soft you have to bend down to hear him. And maybe that is why he likes me, because I alwasy bend down and let him talk, however long it takes. anyway, we were filling out his page and we got to the question "What is you favorite things about coming to school" and he said
"my teacher"

Well, I have not been there that long so I thought he meant my aide (who has been there awhile) or the floater that comes into the room cause they all love Mr. Johnny. and then he looked up at me with those big brown eyes and sad clearly "YOU"
I teard up. I was just so taken aback. I tried to get him to name several other things "don't you wanna put Ashton (his BFF) or the blocks or the big slide outside?" no, he said, you.

Can you beat that?

Not for one second do I take for granted that I get to go to work and teach 28 most prized posessions. I spend more time with them than their own parents do if you think about it. And I would be heartbroken if I thought my kids were sitting in the back of a room somewhere alone and pushed away.

So even if they are snotty, stinky, mean, dirty, potty mouthed, telling me they hate me and don't have to listen to me because I am not their momma I am gonna give them a hug (and trust me, sometimes I do want to shower afterwards but they deserve it, they are just kids and deserve love too)

okay, that sounded not so nice but it is the brutal truth from your childs preschool teacher. We do notice if their pants are too small and their nose is covered in snot. but we love them anyway!!!!

my rant is done, my day was good, tommorrow is my day off (thank heavens, those kids were horrible today)

goodnight yall,

doing my part to go green

i had this crazy idea that buying new stuff for when i move into my new house would help get me out of this funk i was in. So i went to Wal-mart and spent money i do not have on new bedding for the kids (cause they do need it, and that does not count as spending money on myself right?) i decided since i am starting over i am going to try to start new habits. and what better habit than to go green (i feel like kate on Jon & Kate plus 8, minus 5 kids and the HUGE house and tv cameras)The bedding is 100% organic cotton designed to sustain the health of my kids and our planet. pretty snazzy sounding huh! That they are adorable and were on sale played little part in my splurge :)

my first ever green purchase was this and i can't wait until my youngest 2 kids are forced to share a room cause their beds will be so dang cute.

this is Emory's bedding



close up of the design



and this is little mans bedding



close up of his design




what i love most is that it is not matchy matchy, which i tend to do. I just want their room to be a place they want to go hang out (and i would not be able to come up with descriptive words for how i would feel if they would actually SLEEP there!!!) it's a good thing they like each other though cause if my older daughter had to share a room with anyone other than her Twilight posters it would alter the course of her life, she would start wearing black, have every piercing she could and blame me for ruining her life....... she is sooo my child.

but anyways, now i have the bedding. just gotta find the house. wish me luck K

grey skies are gonna clear up...put on a happy face

after a hard week being depressed there is nothing like the chuckle i got after seeing this face,



crash into my bedroom saying dobeeee dobeee dobeee dobeeee........cheeks working overtime and giggles making it hard for me to understand the sounds coming out of his mouth.

and than we have miss thing,



who cannot for the life of her understand why Cameron Diaz's best friend in "What Happens in Vegas" punches a man "in his privacy momma"?????

so if you can imagine the GREAT mood i am in!!! Kids are WAYYYY better than antidepressants (though i do love those too)

i changed up my playlist a bit. found some new artists to brood over. Aqualung, Damien Rice, Lisa Hannigan and my latest crush John Mayer. i have found that i really enjoy the music that you dont hear on the radio. The stuff i have to dig for online and just stumble on by accident. the moody, complicated, chord striking lyrics of someone who writes their own words and sings their own pain. Nothing like a hard time put on display for the rest of the world to suffer alongside.

love it! love it! so anyways, my weekend is not all that bad so far. too bad it is too dang short.

don't you love swiping from other people's blog posting??? Thanks for the insight Nola's cousin Kristy

"Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile,
To see if you’re human after all?
Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want to seem like
We’ve got it all figured out
But let me be the first to say that I don’t have a clue
I don’t have all the answers
Ain’t going to pretend like I do
Just trying to find my way, just trying, the best that I know how…
…Well I haven’t memorized all the cute things to say
Maybe I’ll master this art-form some day
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe that I fully understand all these things I’ve read?

"trying" by lifehouse

the bride wore a dress....by noone

so i took a break from my tweenie bopper obsession with

and watched this instead



made me wonder who of my friends (past and present) would fill the circle of amazing ladies that make up Carrie's crew. of course i would be Carrie since it's my fantasy....
i think this is a good pic of me don't you think


this would be Elaine..and she just had the new boob job to prove my point


and here is what BJQJ would look like...Charlotte has nothing on her


as much as she will hate reading this, Syard is my Miranda


but without the red hair and big clunky necklace oh yeah, and Syard is not an attorney. but close enough to hear her argue a point

and what would i be without Shawnda


okay, so it a bit odd that i would cast her as Stanford Blatch, Carrie's not so heterosexual friend, and no insult intended, but i was refering to the way he is up to date on all things trendy and how he always seems to be Carrie's sidekick when she needs him.okay, foot in the mouth but i stand by it. Thank the lord i am not a casting director

and now, who would my big be???? i don't know that i have found him. or maybe i have and i just don't want to say......hmmmmmmmmmm


between sniffles i found myself grabbing my journal to write down quotes (i did not know how much i missed doing this since the show has gone off the air but i really love this chick and her...er my, since i am her in my fantasy...wisdom) here are some of my favs.







some of my most faves do not have fancy schmancy graphics....so i will just type them out here their words are enough

why is it that we are willing to write our own vows??? but not our own rules?

and then this one made me cry

some love stories are not epic novels,
some are short stories....
but that does not mean
they are any less filled with love.....

maybe i had it all wrong, maybe my marriage would have worked out if this had been what i was after.....

Friend Making Mondays

Welcome to another Monday full of Makin' Friends! Aren't friends great!?

You can go Here for info and the rules of FMM. I hope you will join us to make some bloggin' friends. Because believe me: There is no better place to make some great ones than right here at FMM! Can I get an AMEN!

It's been awhile since i did a "normal" post instead of my i'm getting divorced angst posts. So this is a nice break. Now onto the topic.


What is the Best Advice someone has ever given you? You can share one or as many as you want. Just Share!:


Here's mine:

One day while riding in the car, my 6 yr old (who was 4 at the time, i think) asked me if i remembered what the yellow care bears name was. i asked her "don't you remember?" and she said, "no, i don't have a very good remembery", but that's okay if you don't remember all the stuff all the time, right?

i am applying that now. i don't have to remember all the little things, it's the big things that count. like how i felt raising Kaileigh on my own all those years ago, the pride that i could do it without a man (cause look what happens when you get one of those huh? LOL)

and how i feel this enormous swell of awe at how intelligent, funny and creative Emory is. how everyone loves her and just wants to be around her cause she is so dang funny.

and i could never forget the flutters my heart makes when Isaiah comes up to kiss my cheek or the cute things he says (like "no Hobby mommy" when i want him to sit on the potty"

those are the things i choose to remember.

and i love this quote that someone gave me as a form of advice. it rocks!

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.”
Edward Everett Hale

i am ending with a quote i have heard a zillion times best describing the philosophy of my god baby mama (long story, that's another post)

she says "if you do what youve always done, you'll get what you always got"

aint that the truth

yesterday at work was fun. did the whole easter egg hunt/party thing and not just the kids had a blast. i wish i could bottle up their pure enjoyment of the little things in life. when the biggest diasaster is Ashton taking Connor's center pass and put his own in its place. Then he sees how upset Connor is and puts the correct pass in the spot and tells him sheepishly "sorry"
i hate having to deal with seeing my husband not wearing his ring, short sales of my house forcing me to move this month, and having to finally sit down and tell my kids....not so much fun even though i am looking forward to finally getting on with it. (whatever IT is)

i went out last night. not to a club but just to a bar. i actually dressed up and looked like a girl for a change and it was nice to be around other people my age. i did not stay long, as it just is not the same (guess the fact that i am not 21 anymore is very obvious to me right about now) but it was fun all the same. Heading to Fort Smith tonight to stay with my parents where we will no doubt have to talk again about my situation AGAIN.....sounds fun huh

oh yeah, i almost forgot. this is not a great pic. i will post better ones soon but here is my new "Hairycut" as Lillian called it

hairy cuts, refusing to sit on the hobby and big girl panties

Today i actually had a chuckle or two. Got to school (albeit i was late, but i can't blame that on the divorce i am always late) and i got lots of ohhhs and ahhs for what Lillian calls my "hairy cut" my kids actually like the 4 inches i cut off (and Aiden said i am "so Pwetty now")

gotta love you some five year olds huh (especially since i get to give them back)

i heard Isaiah down the hall screaming "no hobby" which cracked me up (that is his way of refusing to go POTTY and it felt good to hear that it's not just me he does that to)

then i was playing catch up on my blog reading and actually laughed out loud (sending my nosey 11 yr old into my room to see what the unfamilar sound was coming out of my mouth) was reading Nola's blog and she was explaining what "big girl panties" and i was reminded that i need to put mine on and quit being so whiney lately.

all hail the big girl panties


not these


but these

not a bad day after all

so today was a suprising first day off. It is a good thing when you get a day off that you are SUPPOSED to be off of work. but since i truly had no kids, i was kinda lost for the first couple of hours. then i got over it.

i went and got my hair did. i will post a pic soon, it's short and blond and lots of fun....oh yeah, did i mention i have bangs. i cleaned and got caught up on my tv shows. (except for housewives, i am kinda disappointed with that show right now) and of course i got caught up on my blog reading.

so all in all it was not a bad day. not too painful, and i did not stay in bed all day which was what i wanted to do. i might be able to do this afterall.

im gonna be alright

work is great! i can't believe that i waited so long to just walk away and do what i love all along. i love being a teacher. being in an office was never me, it was what the me i thought everyone wanted me to be would be.
i am greeted every morning with hugs and smiles and eyes that light up, because they get to spend the day with me. and i find myself halfway through my ten hour day feeling tired. until i feel a set of five year old arms wrapping themselves around my waist and saying those precious words "i love you ms. wendy"
how do you top that?

making tons of money is so over-rated! making yourself feel that you are doing something worthwhile and touching a life is not!

kinda makes the whole upcoming issue of moving, going through a divorce and uprooting my family seem not important. those are things i cannot change. what i can change is my attitude (and my drinking habits) :)

so for tonight, if only for tonight, i am just fine.....

no. i am not going to call you back.

okay, so i really let it all out just now,,,,,and then i deleted it.
some things are better left unsaid.

i am still getting divorced.Don't know where we will live yet. new job is great, only thing that it is great right now. have not told the kids, but they are getting the hint. living off of booze and Twilight. will be okay eventually.

just so that we are clear on how crappy i really am doing right now. :) :)