this will be a long one, so grab some popcorn

So I am trying to decide what words to use to describe how I feel right now. I write a line, erase that line.
write 3 lines, delete that too.
my usually busy mouth is failing me now.

but i digress, let me at least attempt to fill in the blanks so you will understand what my rambling post is about.

I have made no secret about my love of Troy the Locator and how I was gonna stalk his blog and the WE website until he flew out to Arkansas and helped me find my birthmother. I just think it is so great that he helps people find who they are looking for. He makes it look so easy, wrapping up a lifetime of searching in one 30 min. tv show. hugs, tears and everyone is hunky dory (did I just use that word???).Honestly I just did not think that would be me.

Really, I had made myself stop looking. it was just becoming too sad and obsessive for me. Not knowing who Maureen is (I have known her name for about 11 years now after I got my records from the place that I was adopted out of) Did she have a family? Do I have brothers and sisters and would they be jealous of me and think that I could or would want to just invade their lives?

and most of all I just wanted to know did she ever think of me?

I wrote letter after letter to her. I think my first journal entry to her was in the fourth grade and it never failed, ever Christmas and Birthday and each of the days my children were born I wrote to her. Never for one second did I see myself giving her those journal entries. I blog about it, it comes up in conversation. Being adopted has always been a part of my life. And I had learned to be okay with it.

until yesterday (cue the music....dun dun dunnnnnnnnn)

I told you about my weird email. Not so much weird as it was intriguing. First thing I did was call my mom to get her take on it. Then I called my sister. I emailed back to the gentlemen and then started to turn off my computer (cause I figured it would be a week or two before I heard back and even then I was sure he was gonna say "nevermind, wrong person"

but he did not. and he was not really a he. He was Maureen.

yes, my birthmother found me!

I am not sure what to think. or feel. or say. I just know I have imagined this day for so long and I am trying to process it all without scaring her off. I just don't know how to take it slow. but I will. first things first I guess. My sister JaLana thinks that Maureen looks like me. First thing she did was start internet stalking the poor woman. Myspace, Facebook, my sister could be a PI if she wanted to.

not me, I am kind of dense that way. and I was too chicken so I let her do all the investigative work.

JaLana did discover that Maureen has a husband. He is the name she used in the first couple of emails she sent me and he has this honest, sincere, kind and loving look about him. We also discovered that I have two, 20-year- old twin sisters. TWINS. and since they are younger than me guess that makes me the big sister. I was kindof floored by how pretty they are. And the bond they have with Maureen is so obvious, dont know really how that makes me feel.
Guess that makes me the big sister (wait, I said that already didn't I?) . Okay, weird, I don't think I will go there just yet. I am so scared mostly of what they will think. Will they like me and do they even want to know me at all?

Do any of them want to know me? This is just nuts. I am going to slow down and just go do some laundry or clean something. This thinking about it is making me a wreck.

It is what it is. and I will be okay with however it turns out I just wanted to know and now I partly do. The rest will play out however it is supposed to.

p.s. she is supposed to call tonight (however can I wait that long?)