not so wordless wednesday

Here I am, posting about my birthmother.

how nuts is that?

I don't think I could even really explain how surreal this is to have play out the way it is. I don't know if it is really real to me. What do you think next when one of your life long dreams, goals, fantasies and unresolved life hang-ups emails you one day and in one hour long phone call answers so many questions. And she is not going anywhere, I don't know what to say about that except that dreams come true means such a different thing to me now.

and how lucky are you that you get to listen to me ramble on and on about it for days :)

PAUSE: okay, I just realized how old these songs are on my playlist, guess I will need to work on that soon. sorry guys,

anyway, back to my post. talked to my family AT LENGTH about this and they are suprisingly cool about the whole thing. They know me and they know what this means to me and that I would do it with or without them and at least this way they can be nosey about it and get all the details from me (and not my blog) so i do have to say thanks to them.

Talking to her and listening to all the similarites just feels good. I have always clung to any kind of sense of belonging to my family that i could conjure up. It used to bug me to look around and not to be able to relate. to see myself in any of my family members. And I hated it that my mom and dad and I are just so different. Polar opposites. Maybe that is why we clashed so many times on so many things. It was hard to live up to their perfection. Dont get me wrong, i always knew i am loved and i still feel that way, just sometimes they put restriction and limitations on giving me that love.

how's that for brutally honest?

i stayed up really late and collected all the letters i have written her over the years (and i write constantly so it is a lot of pieces of paper) and then i wrote her a letter in a new way, i have a face to put with a name. Do you know what it is like to write to a name for 11 years and not know who you are writing to? i hope she understands some of them might be hard to read, but it was just all the broad range of emotions i have felt growing up trying to deal with this.

i also wrote her husband. and my sistsers. i just said that i respect them. That i can tell how close they are and how much love they have for each other and that i dont want to intrude or invade and i get it if they need time. i just hope they have a place in their hearts for me.

man, i dont know where i want this to go. i have no expectations and i cant really define any of this at all. i just know i have dreamed of this for so long and now that it is here i want to just take it all in and thank my lord for this unbelievable gift.