i am happy to report that my heart has slowed down, and is beating normally again. what a week i have had. yesterday was something i don't think i can really describe in words, but here goes my attempt.
i made myself run errands most of the morning so i would not be pacing (and screaming at my kids)
got a little carried away with the spray tan, but oh well at least i did not look like a chemo patient in need of sunlight, went to visit Alicia at the beauty supply store, was gonna vacuum and wash the ford but vetoed that idea
and then i went home.
like i said, i was not going to plan what i wore. so i just put on my favorite shirt (isnt it funny how you can revisit clothes and wonder why you used to think you looked so hot in something when in reality.....you kind of did not) still love that shirt though, and it covered up some of the spray tan mess.
as i was sitting there re-reading letters i had written to "Maureen" over the years i get a text.
"i'm here"
i dropped a bunch of the papers on the floor and went to open the door. and sitting in my driveway is my mom. and the part that i can't describe in anyway you would understand is the feeling i got when i looked at her, and i was looking at myself. especially the eyes, man, that part was nuts!!
we kind of met halfway and she just wrapped her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug i think i have ever received. Being a sensory person i could not help but breathe her in. i forgot to ask her what kind of perfume she wears but i will never forget that smell. wonderful comfortable, loving smell.
so we both kind of stood there for awhile and then we went inside. talking to her was such a free-ing peaceful thing. Hearing my history and all the things my family has in common just gave me this feeling of "ah-ha" i do fit in, that did come from somewhere. She did not know much about my dad. and you know what, that is okay. this is enough to process for right now. i got to ask questions and hear stories and mainly i heard how she did think of me, it did bother her (although she feels she did the right thing) and she does love me. what more can i ask for?
the fact that Mauren does events (which i have been doing for awhile) one of my sisters just got her license to do hair (which i did) and the other one is going to finish massage therapy school (which i also did). Maureen showed me pictures of my aunt and i favor her too. it was just so neat. (i do have pictures but for some reason i can't upload them but i will post asap)
she gave me a ring. it was a ring that she wore when she was 16 and it is so dainty and precious and i don't ever want to take it off. She also gave me two teacup/saucer antiques that her va-va
(pronounced vu-va if that makes any sense) which is portuguese for grandma. Yes, my family is portuguese and spanish (which Kaileigh thinks is so cool, she brought home her spanish dictionary from school and is driving me nuts telling me we need to learn spanish).
i also got a ton of pictures of aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents and various relatives. the ones i cherish the most are of my mom, her husband Eddie and my sisters (who i can't wait to meet) i just wonder what they will think of having a big sister? that should be interesting.
she gave me a copy of what looks like a baby book, and her kindergarten graduation diploma (which i am going to frame) i can't believe that she is a "thing" person like me and that she had no idea how much having these daily reminders of her means to me.
she really is such a special person. as you can see i don't feel like we are strangers. and i loving every minute of this experience, something i never thought i would see. i am so thankful that my family is being so supportive as well, i love them so much (although we don't always see eye to eye and get along) i really needed them to understand that i needed this. that it is about who i am and who i struggled to become all those years and not that i love them anyless now than i always have and always will.
how lucky am i!!
so you see it was the start of a great thing for me. As Maureen says we could write a script for a lifetime movie.
i wonder who would play me????
2 comments:
Now I'll tell you what you don't know. All week like you emotions were going up and down. Excitement and disbelief. I say disbelief because who would have thought it could happen like this.
I was going to wait until a few weeks when things slowed down at work but the more I thought about this the more I had to see you for myself. I couldn't sleep the night before so I had to take melatonin(natural herb) so I could sleep. I set my alarm for 4:00 am I wanted to get an early start. I went through my closet five times. I wanted to look perfect. As I was driving I wasn't sure what I would say. The last time I saw you was over 31 years. I took my time because I was scared. I was scared because what if you had built up an image of this person you wanted or thought I should have been and when you finally met me it's not at all what you expected.
I finally made it to your house and I saw you...............you opened the door and then I knew, you were my daughter. I looked into your eyes and yes ,it was like looking in the mirror.For the short time I was there i felt like I had known you my whole life. I was comfortable being around you. I couldn't stop staring at you. I remember the image of you when I saw you right before I left the home. I held you in my arms and I told you I loved you and I hoped you would understand why I had to do what I was doing.
After we said our goodbyes(it's not goodbye anymore it's until next time)which by the way I think every time I said goodbye I would say something else(-: I was driving away I started reading all those letters you wrote me through the years. It was a very emotional drive home. I read almost all of them. I cried almost all the way. I read the letter from my granddaughter(wow this I can't believe)it broke my heart.She wrote that letter as if it was her instead of you. She is so in tune with you and your feelings that all she wants to do is to make your pain go away.
All my adult life I told myself I was doing it for you. I couldn't take care of you the way you needed. When I got home and saw Eddy he asked me how my visit went. I broke down in tears. I realized on my way home that I made a mistake.After I read those letters I see what my choice, my selfishness did to this wonderful young women. All you wanted was to be loved. You wouldn't have cared if you had money or material things just your mother.I didn't give you or us a chance. If someone was to ask me if they should give their baby up for adoption I would say with full certainty No. Don't get me wrong adoption is still a good thing.It's necessary in some instances but not always. We don't realize how we impact others by our choices. You found a loving home to people who love you but If I had the chance again you would be with me. I know I can't make up for what I did but God has given me another chance for us, I won't mess this one up. I replay this in my head over and over again all I can think to say is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! With no help from me you turned out to be a strong, loving, tender hearted young woman. You didn't let your circumstances define you. What's so AMAZING is no matter what you never gave up. You are an inspiration to others. I LOVE YOU AND AM PROUD TO SAY I AM YOUR MOTHER.I am in awe of all of this and am honored that I am related to you.Through out the day I am saying little breath prayers thanking GOD for all has blessed me with. This is a little longer than I had intended but I had to tell you what's on my heart.
Oh my goodness you two...
You have me in tears!
I am so happy that you two have finally met - and to hear the story from both yours sides is just absolutely AMAZING! I can't get over it... and you are right - a movie of your life is definitely in store :)
Wendy - I am so happy that your family is being so supportive. You needed this more than anything in the world....
All my love to you!
Post a Comment