MEETING OF THE MOMS

So i made em do it.

they met.

my mom met my mom....

wasnt worried in the slightest about my dad. he is so super cool fly i knew he would be charming and wonderful and he was....

now my mom she is a whole new bird.....not so sure how that would go.
she would die if she read this, glad she is computer illiterate :)

for the purposes of clarity i will from now on in this post identify them by their given names. Jan and Maureen. know that for the most part, they are mom.

and by the way who the HECK has to tell you they are going to call their parents by their names so you can tell them apart. my life is damn nuts right now!!! seriously, who has the introduce their MOM to their MOM.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

anyway, so i did. Kaileigh and Maureen played checkers and i reminded myself to breathe. as we waited for my parents to show up at Cracker Barrell (that is not how you spell that OH WELL)

to celebrate Kaileigh's 12th birthday (since just the fact that i want them to meet means nothing so far, it has been almost 2 months since i met the lady you'd think they would be anxious to meet the woman who gave birth to their daughter....whole nother post, let it go Wendy)

so they showed up. and we all rose from our rocking chairs (cause you know that is all they got on that dang porch, rows of rocking chairs) i noticed Maureen telling herself to breathe. i really knew it was okay, i could tell by Jan's face that she was okay with it.Maureen walked up to both of them.....

and they hugged.

real hugs. not the fake kind that shapes the rest of the night to be awkard and rushed.we all went in and sat down to eat.

was interested in the seating arrangement. but it worked out nicely. i was pleased. overall.dinner was nice. good mix of talking and story sharing (Jan did not humiliate me with stories like she usually did which was red flag number one) but dad did. we laughed and i got to eat. Misty showed up and i was SO THANKFUL and then Syard came MAKING IT EVEN BETTER. i really have people that love me and will make it all okay.so yeah, dinner was good. even got some pics. and yes,awkard as heck in one of them. but its the thought that counts. they did it cause they knew i wanted it. so major cool points were scored and i left happy.content. okay with it all.overall. i would say. if your birthmom comes to visit you should definately ask your adoptive parents to meet her.

cause when you cant really make sense of it all you will feell in your heart, that at the end of the day they all love you
and there is room enough for everyone.

yes, i am pissed

i am guilty......



i own it and admit it freely. i feel bad that i have hurt people. people that i love. just by having a myspace, a blog, a facebook. because i don't do the "nicey-nicey, i just tell it like it is"

but i hurt them.

and i am sorry

oh yeah, and also i am kind of pissed. cause when did this become your blog? when did i start writing for you and your feelings? when did i STOP writing at all -cause i did not want to piss you off???

have you read the title of my blog???? do you know me at all????

I have been absent. I have stopped doing something I really enjoy. and it sucks. and i am tired of it.

so here it is. i am going to write on my blog. and it will be how i really feel. so if you dont want to hear it DON'T READ IT and if you read it and don't like how i feel DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT cause i loved my blog and now I HATE IT and that is on me for letting you get to me and make me feel bad.......

i realize that there will be other people worse off than me. people that have lost someone they love, someone who is life threateningly sick, someone worse off. There will be someone with something more important to say than lowly ol me. and that is why they win writing prizes and get books published and have 1000 followers. i blog because i spend all day with Dora the Explorer and Scooby Doo and I just want to get it out. and before i could do it in a funny upbeat way and noone that really knew me read it.....or at least they did send me texts quoting my words back to me and telling me how i hurt them.........so i just stopped....

but i am pretty dang low myself. and i do have something to say and since this is MY blog i am going to say it. so just dont read what i have to say if you can't just leave it there. cause i am pissed......

i'm sorry....i miss you....

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field

One word turns into a.....
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield

Can't go back now
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing

These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield

Why does love always feel like
Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
You better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war (start a war)
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for




why oh why...do they not give us emotionally challenged folks a guide..
just a few hints to say
don't say this and be careful of that
i mean, they have "INSERT TOPIC OF CHOICE for dummies"
every subject under the sun
except life

and yes, i know that i should know this stuff by now
but i really am dense.
i get caught up in the excitement and emotion and just awesome-ness of the gift
and then i act like myself and mess it up...
not intentionally mind you, i just open my mouth and that seems to be enough

i am alot to handle i do know this...
not that i am putting myself down or having a pity party.
i just know that i am alot to handle
and god bless those amazingly patient and brave souls that have figured out how to handle me....they are few and far between

this is my white flag.
i dont know how to fix this.
i dont know how to fix me.
but the point should not be that i am flawed
CAUSE I AM
but more importantly that i miss you. and i waited too long for this to be it.
not one single day has gone by that i do not think of you. i am sad.

and hey, i just put myself out there on the internet for EVERYONE to read
(and i am learning that they do.....)
Loved you before i knew "you" as you..

a dream

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest swing.I had a dream.Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest tree.I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.I had a dream

open letter of thanks

this is an open letter to you...and you will know who you are when you start reading.

it's so incredibly raw and frightening for me to begin something new. the fear of the unknown truly is my biggest fear.ever.
spiders, no.
snakes. no.
needles. not at all.
heights. nope.
not knowing. almost unbearable.

and i was hesitant and unsure the first time we spoke. not that i let it stop me, i will admit you had me intrigued. after our phone conversation today i am not hesitant. or unsure.

thank you for being so complex. and so "tell it like it is". thank you for letting me take it all in my own special way. and since i am a mini me version of you i know you will appreciate that i have to do it MY way. thank you for soothing frazzled nerves and calming ruffled feathers. thank you for being unique and authentic. cause i cant do fake.

i thought since you encouraged me to start writing again, that it only fitting my first post be about you. so thank you. for you.

....when I.....

so much of my life has been lived with the mentality... "when I"

when i figure out what i want to be when i grow up...

when i get some more money i will do this....

when i find my birth mother.....

when i finally hit bottom in my drinking.....

when he finally realizes how "GREAT" i am....

it's been a long wait for me. waiting to be fulfilled, content, at peace, happy.....
you can imagine what sort of basket case i am. and how the important people in my life have to be saints in order to still be so important in my life.

cause it's nice to be wanted but kind of pathetic to be always needed.....

so as I sat on my porch..in the rain (which is odd cause i am obsessed with my trampoline when it rains but that is another post) so i am on my porch (complete with lanterns and twinkling christmas lights) i cant help but just wonder why

why not be okay with what i have?
why not be okay to keep my mouth shut and know that things will work themselves out?
why not let this be good enough?

and i dont know that in my time of reflecting that i have an answer for you....wish i did.
i do know that in this second of clarity i stopped to tell my God thank you.
for the clean, pure fragrance of the rain, washing away all the chaos and confusion i felt an hour ago

for my amazing. funny. beyond what i deserve babies, laughing as they jump on my bed (which is a huge no-no but i am letting them do, cause we all got to break the rules sometimes and get away with it)

for the new found family that is complicated and drama filled but nontheless fills me up beyond words

for my old (but always) family that is dysfunctional but is all that i know. for how they DO seem to come through. not always, but enough. and i can appreciate that.

and for myself,
i am not so bad. not always good. but okay with that. i have been through alot, but not enough. loved and been hurt. but still want to be loved some more. made so many mistakes. but learned so much, enough to say it was worth it. flawed. but amazing. have not made my mark on the world. but okay that if i died today i know i tried. not as skinny as i want to be. but okay that i am not that girl.....cause i still get a look or two. have amazing friends!!! and can finally say they are REAL friends.....i am woman enough to say i am wrong, and sorry, and miss you. if you knew my stubborn- i am always right- f*you attitude of my twenties you will know what a life lesson that is for me. but i am NOT always right, and i embrace that.

i am me. and i am a work in progress. good and bad i thank God for it all. that is how we learn. and i am still learning. and for this day at least. i can be okay with just being me. and maybe i dont have to live my life according to 'WHEN I"

not sure what to call this one

Happiness comes from loving more than being loved
and often when our affection seems wounded
it is our vanity bleeding.
To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again-this is the brave and happy life.
For most of life,nothing wonderful happens
if you dont enjoy getting up and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family and friends, then chances are you're not going to very happy.
If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events
that person isnt going to be happy much of the time
if, on the other hand,happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard,hanging out on your trampoline, a long nap, a good book
then we more likely to live with quite a bit more happiness.
it takes so much energy to be negative
wastes so much time to pine for things beyond your reach
takes away blessings in your life
when you are always focused on someone else's actions
it is what it is
accepting and embracing brings a peace and calmness and happiness
to the every day to day tasks that truly make up a life
a happy life....

All I know

We both bruise so easily Too easily To let it show
I love you And that’s all I know
And all my plans keep falling through All my plans they depend on you
Depend on you To help them grow
I love you And that’s all I know
When the singers gone Let the song go on
It’s a fine line between The darkness and the dawn
They say in the darkest night There’s a light beyond
And the ending always comes at last Endings always come too fast
They come too fast And they pass too slow
I love you And that’s all…It’s really all I know

I am kind of lost in bloggy space right now. Not really sure where the heck this blog is going or if i want to keep it up. until i make up my mind i guess i could post.......ummmm...yeah, okay i will post


School is very overwhelming slash exciting. Just being in college is really an experience i never thought i would get to have. And minus the dorm drama (cause i have enough of that already), drunken parties with frat boys (i will not even touch that one with a smart remark) and pretending i have to look a certain way or dress like everyone else (so glad my twenties are gone) i think i might actually have a chance of making it through. I am getting my bachelor's in Business Management and plan to work in the non-profit world where i have been for about 9 years off and on. Scary cause i have not been in school in so long (wont tell you how long) but i love to write so i should be good.


Kids are great! little man is at his dad's and the girls are going to see a play with my parents and then off to Greenwood for the weekend. yes, i am trying to hold back the giddy excitement i feel at having the house all to myself, getting to pee alone and not have to wake up to elbows and feet in my face.....love it!


Just realized i did not post the pics from my recent Texas trip. here they are, was a good trip i think...hopefully the first of many.



My sister Tasha with little man and Kaileigh at the water park


Don't know why we waited till the end of the day to take this. By now we were hot, tired, some of us were sunburned and looked like drowned mice...but it is still a cute pic.

me, my step dad Eddy and my mom (and yes, it is as strange for my to type that as it is for you who know me to read.

my mom and me. this is my favorite picture

One of my beautiful sisters...Natasha

My other witty sister Nicole was there in our hearts, now she provided us with a glimpse so that we could see what it would look like for her to be there in person (at least in a picture)



Natasha, mom and me

group shot

Music Mondays

Decided to get back to a somewhat regular blogging routine again (nothing like having something to ACTUALLY talk about instead of mindless, but fun posts about my favorite 80's toy or humiliation brought on by any one of my 3 children)

so here we go.

This is a new blog I have never visited before. The blog is called Liberal Lollygagging and the Post is called

Monday Music

here is how it works;

I love music. I love to find out about new (to me) music. Sometimes, I find that music speaks for me better than I would in a situation. Every Monday Christina puts up a song that is currently speaking for her.... So, join the fun! What song is currently speaking for you? Visit her blog and Add your post to Mr. Linky

pssss...some of the best songs i have discovered on other people's blogs.....here is mine

(backstory) As i have been blogging about non-stop lately, my birthmother and i have been reunited. i was adopted at birth and have known since i was 10 that "Maureen" was out there somewhere. So the first time i heard this song the tears could not fall down my cheeks fast enough for the next ones to come. And even now after finding her it is still such a raw numbness where all that confusion and lonlieness was. I am not mad or hurt or angry anymore, but for a long time i was. It was the question "are you thinking about me" For so long this was my song. Now I am gonna share it with you.


The song is called "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler.




"I Wonder"
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

Father's Day

I can honestly say I have never, not one time, thought of my biological father on this day. mean, not intentional. self-absorbed, maybe. but today i made an effort to think of him. To wonder how he is and what he would think of me (and prob. with my sister JaLana's help) finding him and saying "hey, guess what?"

i just can't seeing myself do that though. it was always about her. finding her, seeing what she looked like, hearing her story....it has never been about him.

does that make me lacking in the family gene somewhere?

my own dad, Alan, is amazing. gentle and soft spoken, i think the only time i have ever seen him angry has been at me......but i did deserve it of course. In high school i would tell him my car was making a funny noise and he would test drive it and come back with a full tank (and trust me, when he left the light was on). i don't know if anyone has a bad word to say about him, i can't imagine what it would be....

but what about John???

i have learned that is his name, John. Don't have an emotion that comes to mind that i could describe for you hearing his name except for...oh, so that's it. John. I would love to see a picture though. from the records i got from Sellers I always thought i took after him. we have alot of the same physical characteristics and interests on paper (i have since found out my mom filled all that out and she thinks i dont look like him) so i have had to process that. being wrong about who i take after. It truly was one of the things i wondered about. who i looked like, who i acted like, who i could identify with....and i have been fulfilled with meeting my mom. i have.

she is amazing in so many ways. mostly the feeling of FINALLY... of peace and that i don't have to carry this around anymore. While she lived a life in which noone knew...if you know me you know my search for her. And that is not a bad thing it is just stating a fact.

I am going to visit my mom soon. and my kids are coming.......brave lady to take on all of us I will say that. She went from a mom of twins,, to a mom of 3 with 3 grandkids. That has to be alot to process.
My grandmother her mother (mimi) has reached out to me and i have emailed her back. that is kindof a new experience for me as i have never had grandparents that i knew or was close with (i greatly loved my grandma Irene, who i am named after, but she died in 98 and lived hours away so i never really saw her much) I am excited to talk to her, as she was the first one to hold me. And as a mom i can't imagine how i would feel if my baby was giving up her baby.

but it's late and one of my babies is pulling on my knees and begging for a huppy (cup of milk)..so goodnight

and Happy Father's Day John....wherever you are

another hard day at the office for me....

just had to wear those mickey mouse clubhouse floaties....


at least now they are on his arms....

she was screaming at the top of her lungs "who needs spiderman, I am Emory" (THAT'S MY GIRL).....

just like my life right now...upside down......

enough with the camera mom. i am slipping and could kind of use your help.. HER WORDS NOT MINE.....

putting those floaties to good use....

I am a professional daredevil...dont try this at home......
div>

she asked me if she was "fly" after I took this picture...ummmm huh?

had to get the towel placement in just the right spot....

i hate those floaties...almost as much as i hate mickey mouse.....

my fish....

as much as i hate pictures of myself i took these anyway and Emory wanted them posted so here goes, anything for one of my two best girls.....

so now i am going to bed. childless and bored (kids are at their dads) and you would think i could find something else to do besides blog...but when else do i have the time.......so my sunburnt body says thanks for making it all the way to the end of this post. i just could'nt help it, i think my kids are so dang cute.....

Nothing too exciting

Today was just another day....

but I did get to go to Denney's. Not my favorite place to eat (that would be Red Lobster) but a close second. Love me some eggs and toast and Isaiah and Emory had a good time too which always makes it better.

but while I was sitting there got a text from someone I used to love. Telling me that I needed to take a picture of her and me off of my facebook cause "she was not my friend" .....ouch.
I am so far from perfect I do recognize this. but to have it so coldly reminded in a text really was a kick in the gut. But I removed the picture and tried not to be sad the rest of the day. And something tells me she will read this and be pissed off all over again so my advice to her is
"Quit stalking me online and you will not be reminded of what a piece of crap you think I am"


dang.......

but anyway, par for the course with this chick......

I did squeeze in a trip to the dog park for the two kids I have left (Kaileigh is at camp) and Brady which they loved...me, not so much cause it was a million degrees and you have to pick up the poop before you leave in these handy bags they provide for you (how generous)

got home and forced the kids to go to bed....did get to lay on my trampoline by myself. that is truly my all time favorite place in my house. at night. silent. stars. ipod......priceless

came inside and saw the most precious words...internet connected.

i have wireless internet and it likes to be fickle and not connect for long stretches of time. but tonight it was kind and let me update everything. Got to email my sisters (still love saying that. it will never grow old for me or be something I don't treasure) and even saw my picture on my mom's page. We have been a little cautious cause some people don't know, but seeing my picture on her page was a strange sort of validation that felt wonderful. And one of my sisters commented on the pic in a way that people will know we are related so that was ever better.

It truly does get better with time.

so anyway, it's late. I have to be up early to be a model at a class for my hairdresser friend that will have some "new trend" to try on my already fragile hair........ah the life of the brave.

a trip to the library, sweating it out at the park, and smooshing lightning bugs on my legs has pooped me out

It is two am and I am still awake...why you ask?




couldn't tell you.....





I do absolutely adore the sound of my ipod music in one ear, and the mixture of kids snoring in my bed and rain falling outside my open window in the other ear. very peaceful and a great indicator of all the glorious me time I will have if I can just keep my eyes open.....not looking to hopeful that I will get to enjoy it for very long though.





it has been another busy one for the books though (but by the way my June has gone that is not really a suprise now is it) my dog had puppies (3, and thankfully these all lived) Kaileigh made it camp and is having a great time I am sure, Emory went to visit her dad for a week, and Isaiah is, welll , he is two. so that should tell you how he is.





I will admit I am getting used to the whole "hello I am your mother" thing really easy. almost too easy. It's a comfortable easy feeling talking to her. Almost like I have been doing it my whole life. And I guess in a way I have, just not really getting much of a response back. I can say though that the response I get back now more than makes up for it. So it's all good.





Maureen did tell my other sister. So now both of the twins know. I still struggle with how to start up some kind of contact. I don't want to be pushy, but I find myself wanting to be the big sister. To be a part of their circle. Maybe it's the me that never really fit in before wanting to be "in" with the cool popular girls, but I can't help it. They are my sisters and I want to know them. I guess in good time all will be the way it is meant to be. We did find each other after all right?

Today was a fun mommy day. I tend to do that when I am stressing about life (which I do alot of lately) so after an all to early wake up call we headed off to the library. Emory got signed up for the summer book club (man, I sound like a dorky mom I know but she thinks it is the coolest thing ever and I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise) and we chased Isaiah around while he screamed fishy (but it sounded like a vulgar word I will not repeat EVER) . But they had fun and I got a workout.

After not much of a nap we headed off to the park where my son the daredevil climbed on the monkey bars meant for the older kids. Why put the toddler area right next to the big kids area? I mean, come on, you know they see the puny equipment they have and then the super cool and dangerous equipment the big kids get and what do you think they are thinking "oh, this is so much safer, I think I will stay on the slide with the two steps versus the one with the 25 steps"

nawww, not my children!!

So after my heart slowed down we headed home. All in all a good mommy day. But the fun for me came when Emory and I went out to the trampoline and just lay there looking at the stars (and tried to ignore the nearby chicken houses smell).

We talked about life and then caught lightning bugs. I told her if you smoosh them on your skin it will glow. I thought it would freak her out, cause she is obsessed with death right now but she was pumped. So we smooshed........and she loved every second of it.

topped off the night by talking to my mom for awhile. which i needed. I really love that woman!!!! okay, so i am going to try to get to bed now........wish me luck

June 11,2009

Today is a bittersweet day for me. 5 years ago i sat in a parking lot debating on whether or not to go inside Jose's resteraunt (sp?) or not. There was this boy that had asked me to meet him for drinks and i really did not know what to think of him. Shy and quite i would see him from time to time when he came into the salon where i worked doing massage. He got his hair cut there you see.

But i did go in. We talked and a year later on June 11,2009 i married him. As is usually the case life was really good. We had a lot of people fooled that we had the storybook life (heck, i was even fooled myself) so i really can't tell you why today instead of celebrating my anniversary and looking forward to many great years ahead with this man i am looking ahead to divorce court and custody arrangements.

but i am not crying...(not yet anyway)

i have always been the one that stayed too long, tried so hard it was smothering or just been so dysfunctional that we ended up hating each other. i don't do the right thing (it seems) in love. So i think that it is taking all the courage and maturity i have to start over. i don't see it as a failure but more like a lesson learned. And i have learned alot about myself. Isnt that really all you can hope for from situations like this.

so don't feel sad for me. and don't think i feel sad for myself. although, like i have said many times in the last couple of months. i don't really know how i feel.....

not so bad, not so great day.

let's see, what have i been up to?

not really a whole lot. School starts soon so i am getting ready for that. i decided that i want a stress-less job so since this is the hotel capital of the world i am gonna try to find a job in a hotel. very random i know, but i have always been that way. growing up i went back and forth between teacher, interior decorator and cab driver. if that is not random enough for you, i was gonna be a pop/movie star somewhere in all of that.

now i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up.

i am finally over my feelings of extreme irriation/frustration with my son. i tell you that kid is into EVERYTHING. this morning he dumped a whole box of cheerios in the bathtub and then turned on the water. then he led me into the bathroom screaming "im hungry"

so yeah, kind of exasperating.

the kids are out of school (blugh) and are constantly bored.....(which makes me want to go into their rooms and throw everything away.....since they have noting to do why is their junk taking up my space) so we are doing the swimming, library, friend house thing for awhile. Kaileigh is going to a christian camp next week and is counting down the hours till time to go. Emory is spending time with her father and isaiah is dumping cheerios in the bathtub and pulling the dogs hears.......that was exhausting just to type, imagine living it.

me, not working is good and bad. good cause i have time to get everything in order due to the move and getting ready for school (x-ray tech by the way) bad because i feel like a bum.

oh yeah, did i mention my dog had her puppies. AGAIN. they really are cute but we just did this 5 months ago and my procrastination of getting her fixed obviously bit me in the behind. they are cute. two dapple and one brown (pictures to follow when mommy stops growling at me) now i gotta find a home for them and explain to my kids why we can't keep them (we have 3 already)

going to see my mom soon and that will be very exciting (i will be a ball of nerves i am sure) this is a good thing though and i just have to work through it. i am just thankful that she wants to be a real and present relationship in my life. she is going to tell my other sister (one does know) and i really don't know what to think about that. this has just all seemed so smooth. not at all like the other lifetime movies i have seen :) so someone has to give us some grief at some point right??? please don't let it be my sister. i don't know if i could take that. it is still nuts to think that i am a big sister. i mean, i have a younger brother but this just feels different. if i lost you sorry, i am rambling today. anyway, that will happen this weekend so fingers crossed it goes okay.

someone asked me if i have looked for my birth father or not and i really have not. Don't know why it was so important for me to find her but not him. i never had that burning desire and don't really know where to start. i do have a name though so we will see what comes of that. my sister JaLana is stalking i mean looking online so maybe she can find something.

so that is my not so bad, not so great day. no complaints just a day. now i am off to go walk in the park. i don't have the kiddos tonight and i fully intend to savor every second of ME time.

one month to live

So during our visit my mom gave me this book, i really recomend it and i have just started it. It's called "One Month to Live" by Chris and Kerry Shook. basically it is about living your best life authentically and passionately. To live like you just have one month to live.

i am using it like a sort of daily devotional and today's was kind of a raw nerve i did not know i had. As i process all the new emotions i am going through i am really going to have to evaluate myself and my life goals will have to change. It is going to be tough because I think for so long i used my need to find and know Maureen as a crutch. My excuse to be half a person and i held on to the whole that was there by not having her in my life. i don't know that i ever really thought of how i would feel WHEN we found each other because i don't think i ever thought we would. So while on every list i have ever made of "what would i change in my life" has always said FIND MAUREEN. That truly was the one thing in my life i wanted.

what do you do after that comes true?

i am kind of thrown on that one. Don't get me wrong i am beyond thrilled. Each day i see that i am not dreaming and that she is not going anywhere. She told me before she left that she was afraid that i would be disappointed. That i had for so long built up this experience that after it happened i would somehow wish for someone else and i can wholeheartedly say i know that to be untrue. i know it because i told her very certainly that i don't care if she is the best person or the worst person, i will love her because she is mine. don't know if that makes any sense or not but that is all i got.

The first part of the book talks about "one little dash". The author says that you don't have control over much in your life but you do have control of how you live your "one little dash" (that little line between the date of your birth and the date of you death on your tombstone) i just love that thought. and i want my one little dash to be full of so much more than straight lines. I want the twists and turns and full circles that come with living fully and passionately with the wisdom to change what i can and the acceptance of what i can't (okay, that was bit like a hallmark card, or some of the serenity prayer---i know i am a cornball sometimes) but it is the truth.

now if i could just figure out how to do that?

i do know that for me, some of the most meaningful moments of the journey is that point when i learn something about myself and the light bulb comes on. To realize that i am not as great as i thought i was but that i can work on getting better, doing better, being better.
so while i don't know what is going to happen, what my new life goals will be or will i be able to meet them i am going to do it with my whole heart and enjoy the ride.
it's entirely too early for me to be up and soon i will have a two year old begging to watch "doobee doobee doo" (translation: scooby doo) so i need to at least try to sleep.

putting a face to a name

well, where do i start?

i am happy to report that my heart has slowed down, and is beating normally again. what a week i have had. yesterday was something i don't think i can really describe in words, but here goes my attempt.

i made myself run errands most of the morning so i would not be pacing (and screaming at my kids)
got a little carried away with the spray tan, but oh well at least i did not look like a chemo patient in need of sunlight, went to visit Alicia at the beauty supply store, was gonna vacuum and wash the ford but vetoed that idea
and then i went home.

like i said, i was not going to plan what i wore. so i just put on my favorite shirt (isnt it funny how you can revisit clothes and wonder why you used to think you looked so hot in something when in reality.....you kind of did not) still love that shirt though, and it covered up some of the spray tan mess.

as i was sitting there re-reading letters i had written to "Maureen" over the years i get a text.

"i'm here"

i dropped a bunch of the papers on the floor and went to open the door. and sitting in my driveway is my mom. and the part that i can't describe in anyway you would understand is the feeling i got when i looked at her, and i was looking at myself. especially the eyes, man, that part was nuts!!

we kind of met halfway and she just wrapped her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug i think i have ever received. Being a sensory person i could not help but breathe her in. i forgot to ask her what kind of perfume she wears but i will never forget that smell. wonderful comfortable, loving smell.

so we both kind of stood there for awhile and then we went inside. talking to her was such a free-ing peaceful thing. Hearing my history and all the things my family has in common just gave me this feeling of "ah-ha" i do fit in, that did come from somewhere. She did not know much about my dad. and you know what, that is okay. this is enough to process for right now. i got to ask questions and hear stories and mainly i heard how she did think of me, it did bother her (although she feels she did the right thing) and she does love me. what more can i ask for?

the fact that Mauren does events (which i have been doing for awhile) one of my sisters just got her license to do hair (which i did) and the other one is going to finish massage therapy school (which i also did). Maureen showed me pictures of my aunt and i favor her too. it was just so neat. (i do have pictures but for some reason i can't upload them but i will post asap)

she gave me a ring. it was a ring that she wore when she was 16 and it is so dainty and precious and i don't ever want to take it off. She also gave me two teacup/saucer antiques that her va-va
(pronounced vu-va if that makes any sense) which is portuguese for grandma. Yes, my family is portuguese and spanish (which Kaileigh thinks is so cool, she brought home her spanish dictionary from school and is driving me nuts telling me we need to learn spanish).
i also got a ton of pictures of aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents and various relatives. the ones i cherish the most are of my mom, her husband Eddie and my sisters (who i can't wait to meet) i just wonder what they will think of having a big sister? that should be interesting.
she gave me a copy of what looks like a baby book, and her kindergarten graduation diploma (which i am going to frame) i can't believe that she is a "thing" person like me and that she had no idea how much having these daily reminders of her means to me.

she really is such a special person. as you can see i don't feel like we are strangers. and i loving every minute of this experience, something i never thought i would see. i am so thankful that my family is being so supportive as well, i love them so much (although we don't always see eye to eye and get along) i really needed them to understand that i needed this. that it is about who i am and who i struggled to become all those years and not that i love them anyless now than i always have and always will.

how lucky am i!!

so you see it was the start of a great thing for me. As Maureen says we could write a script for a lifetime movie.

i wonder who would play me????

the night before

so i tell you, i am nervous.

not just a litttle......A LOT

tonight i was walking through the store trying to decide what new cute shirt i should buy and it dawned on me how unfair this really is. Most people that meet their mother for the first time get to be naked.

WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO BE THE LUCKY ONE TO HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT TO WHERE TO MEET MINE?

story of my life really though, don't know why i am suprised.

so i bought myself flowers instead and decided that in the morning i will get up and whatever shirt that screams my name when i walk in my closet. that is what i will wear.

i got on facebook and wrote one of my two twin sisters a letter. i would write the other one (and i will) but i don't know if she knows about me yet or what she thinks, so i will just hold off on that letter. i just want them both to know that i am thinking of their feelings, that it is okay if they feel weird about this (cause i sure do) and that i am so thankful and just humbled that i get to go through this at all (remember now, i have fantasised and dreamed and sometimes cussed this mysterious Maureen since i found out at 10 years old that i was adopted, but i never really knew her to be REAL,,,,,and now she will be)

My adopted mom and dad (i have never refered to them that way, kindof odd really to be typing it now), and my sister JaLana and brother Adam are almost too excited for me. I just keep waiting for them to react in the way i just know they feel, but they don't. Which is good cause i may snap on them.And i am trying to be understanding of their feelings, but when I don't know how i feel it is kind of hard to be sensitive to other people's feelings, odd to say the least!!!! I do love them for being so supportive and unselfish, guess they know they can't get rid of me in spite of all of this :) They are kind of stuck with me~~~

so here i am, the night before i meet my birthmother. i should be cleaning and planning what i am going to wear and how i will fix my hair

instead i am drinking a glass of wine and reflecting on which one of my life goals i will conquer next since this one is coming true....

and if you believe i am that calm bless your heart.......

....to be continued