Father's Day

I can honestly say I have never, not one time, thought of my biological father on this day. mean, not intentional. self-absorbed, maybe. but today i made an effort to think of him. To wonder how he is and what he would think of me (and prob. with my sister JaLana's help) finding him and saying "hey, guess what?"

i just can't seeing myself do that though. it was always about her. finding her, seeing what she looked like, hearing her story....it has never been about him.

does that make me lacking in the family gene somewhere?

my own dad, Alan, is amazing. gentle and soft spoken, i think the only time i have ever seen him angry has been at me......but i did deserve it of course. In high school i would tell him my car was making a funny noise and he would test drive it and come back with a full tank (and trust me, when he left the light was on). i don't know if anyone has a bad word to say about him, i can't imagine what it would be....

but what about John???

i have learned that is his name, John. Don't have an emotion that comes to mind that i could describe for you hearing his name except for...oh, so that's it. John. I would love to see a picture though. from the records i got from Sellers I always thought i took after him. we have alot of the same physical characteristics and interests on paper (i have since found out my mom filled all that out and she thinks i dont look like him) so i have had to process that. being wrong about who i take after. It truly was one of the things i wondered about. who i looked like, who i acted like, who i could identify with....and i have been fulfilled with meeting my mom. i have.

she is amazing in so many ways. mostly the feeling of FINALLY... of peace and that i don't have to carry this around anymore. While she lived a life in which noone knew...if you know me you know my search for her. And that is not a bad thing it is just stating a fact.

I am going to visit my mom soon. and my kids are coming.......brave lady to take on all of us I will say that. She went from a mom of twins,, to a mom of 3 with 3 grandkids. That has to be alot to process.
My grandmother her mother (mimi) has reached out to me and i have emailed her back. that is kindof a new experience for me as i have never had grandparents that i knew or was close with (i greatly loved my grandma Irene, who i am named after, but she died in 98 and lived hours away so i never really saw her much) I am excited to talk to her, as she was the first one to hold me. And as a mom i can't imagine how i would feel if my baby was giving up her baby.

but it's late and one of my babies is pulling on my knees and begging for a huppy (cup of milk)..so goodnight

and Happy Father's Day John....wherever you are