....when I.....

so much of my life has been lived with the mentality... "when I"

when i figure out what i want to be when i grow up...

when i get some more money i will do this....

when i find my birth mother.....

when i finally hit bottom in my drinking.....

when he finally realizes how "GREAT" i am....

it's been a long wait for me. waiting to be fulfilled, content, at peace, happy.....
you can imagine what sort of basket case i am. and how the important people in my life have to be saints in order to still be so important in my life.

cause it's nice to be wanted but kind of pathetic to be always needed.....

so as I sat on my porch..in the rain (which is odd cause i am obsessed with my trampoline when it rains but that is another post) so i am on my porch (complete with lanterns and twinkling christmas lights) i cant help but just wonder why

why not be okay with what i have?
why not be okay to keep my mouth shut and know that things will work themselves out?
why not let this be good enough?

and i dont know that in my time of reflecting that i have an answer for you....wish i did.
i do know that in this second of clarity i stopped to tell my God thank you.
for the clean, pure fragrance of the rain, washing away all the chaos and confusion i felt an hour ago

for my amazing. funny. beyond what i deserve babies, laughing as they jump on my bed (which is a huge no-no but i am letting them do, cause we all got to break the rules sometimes and get away with it)

for the new found family that is complicated and drama filled but nontheless fills me up beyond words

for my old (but always) family that is dysfunctional but is all that i know. for how they DO seem to come through. not always, but enough. and i can appreciate that.

and for myself,
i am not so bad. not always good. but okay with that. i have been through alot, but not enough. loved and been hurt. but still want to be loved some more. made so many mistakes. but learned so much, enough to say it was worth it. flawed. but amazing. have not made my mark on the world. but okay that if i died today i know i tried. not as skinny as i want to be. but okay that i am not that girl.....cause i still get a look or two. have amazing friends!!! and can finally say they are REAL friends.....i am woman enough to say i am wrong, and sorry, and miss you. if you knew my stubborn- i am always right- f*you attitude of my twenties you will know what a life lesson that is for me. but i am NOT always right, and i embrace that.

i am me. and i am a work in progress. good and bad i thank God for it all. that is how we learn. and i am still learning. and for this day at least. i can be okay with just being me. and maybe i dont have to live my life according to 'WHEN I"