one month to live

So during our visit my mom gave me this book, i really recomend it and i have just started it. It's called "One Month to Live" by Chris and Kerry Shook. basically it is about living your best life authentically and passionately. To live like you just have one month to live.

i am using it like a sort of daily devotional and today's was kind of a raw nerve i did not know i had. As i process all the new emotions i am going through i am really going to have to evaluate myself and my life goals will have to change. It is going to be tough because I think for so long i used my need to find and know Maureen as a crutch. My excuse to be half a person and i held on to the whole that was there by not having her in my life. i don't know that i ever really thought of how i would feel WHEN we found each other because i don't think i ever thought we would. So while on every list i have ever made of "what would i change in my life" has always said FIND MAUREEN. That truly was the one thing in my life i wanted.

what do you do after that comes true?

i am kind of thrown on that one. Don't get me wrong i am beyond thrilled. Each day i see that i am not dreaming and that she is not going anywhere. She told me before she left that she was afraid that i would be disappointed. That i had for so long built up this experience that after it happened i would somehow wish for someone else and i can wholeheartedly say i know that to be untrue. i know it because i told her very certainly that i don't care if she is the best person or the worst person, i will love her because she is mine. don't know if that makes any sense or not but that is all i got.

The first part of the book talks about "one little dash". The author says that you don't have control over much in your life but you do have control of how you live your "one little dash" (that little line between the date of your birth and the date of you death on your tombstone) i just love that thought. and i want my one little dash to be full of so much more than straight lines. I want the twists and turns and full circles that come with living fully and passionately with the wisdom to change what i can and the acceptance of what i can't (okay, that was bit like a hallmark card, or some of the serenity prayer---i know i am a cornball sometimes) but it is the truth.

now if i could just figure out how to do that?

i do know that for me, some of the most meaningful moments of the journey is that point when i learn something about myself and the light bulb comes on. To realize that i am not as great as i thought i was but that i can work on getting better, doing better, being better.
so while i don't know what is going to happen, what my new life goals will be or will i be able to meet them i am going to do it with my whole heart and enjoy the ride.
it's entirely too early for me to be up and soon i will have a two year old begging to watch "doobee doobee doo" (translation: scooby doo) so i need to at least try to sleep.