Friend Making Mondays

It has been a really long time since I have done a Friend Making Monday post. so I decided to start here. Visit Amber , for her 20 Questions idea and if you want to find out more about friend making mondays, the button is on the side bar of my blog...so here goes

20 Questions

1. Do you cook every night?

no. honestly i do not. i do cook some nights (3 or 4). something i do like to do though is to let my 12 year old Kaileigh TRY to cook dinner. i think it is teaching her a useful skill for the future and she likes to think she is grown..plus it gives me time to do other things (cause you know with 3 kids there is never enough time)

2. What kind of laundry detergent do you use & why?

Tide, Tide, Tide. i can't get enough of that smell. Walking into my laundry room while the washing machine is going is almost better than Burnt Cider candles (i did say almost)

3. Do you do laundry everyday for loads at a time? OK...so i am not ashamed to admit that my laundry is never caught up. i mean, really. who has their laundry caught up ALL the time on a regular basis except maybe Kate G...need i say more? LOL

4. How often do you eat out per week? depends on who is paying

5. Where do you usually eat out? Mong Dynasty, Charlie's Chicken, Red Lobster and the old time family tradition of McDonald's (or as Isaiah says Donald Ducks)

6. What is your favorite retail store? Kirklands,Gordman's, and i just can't be original here but i live at Wal-Mart

7. What's your favorite thing to drink? it used to be Dr. Pepper but i must admit lately it has been Orange Fanta (and my daughter sings the dumb commercial song everytime annoying the snot out of me)

8. Do you take vitamins? no. none

9. What percentage of the household chores to you do? Depends on what i can cajole or bribe my kids to help me out with....hahahah. not really. they do have their chores and i have mine...so i would say it is 70/40

10. Do your children do chores? Kaileigh does dishes, trash and feeds the dogs

Emory makes the mess and then cries when she is asked to pick them up (i dont care though you mess it up you pick it up in this house) even Isaiah...for the most part

11. Do you go to church? yes. sometimes. okay, not as much as we should

12. Do you have a housework schedule? No.

13. Do you keep a working budget? I couldn't live without it. Being a single mom, in school. have to have a budget (not that it "works" all the time for me though)

14. What do you do at night as a family? Dinner, homework, we sometimes go to the dog park (we have 4 dogs) or to the library. Depends on how much time we have

15. How do you prepare yourself for a new week?

I journal alot. It makes me feel clear and able to process all that goes on in my crazy life. I can look back on my thoughts from time to time and see how i have come out of situations i did not know if i was gonna be able to handle.

16. What do your mornings look like?

crazy. hectic. but lots of giggles and always end with kids getting out of the car screaming "love you mom, sis, bub" and i love hearing Isaiah scream back "wuv you honey, good day cool" he got that from me because i always say "love you honey, have a good day at school" it really is a sight. the girls have gotten used to it so they don't close the door till they hear us both say it. and he smiles, feeling like a big boy showing his women he loves them....

17. What time do you get up in the morning?

at a time that used to be obscene to me. but really 6am is not so early i know.

18. What time do you go to bed at night?

never at the same time. depends on my homework or if i am reading a good book, or online (which is not a good idea for me at night i just cant shut it off :) usually 11 or 12

19. How do you manage all of the paperwork that floods into your household? i have a box that i keep important school papers in, a bill sorter,and the trash can where papers go in their right place as it comes in. Otherwise with 3 kids it gets to be too much

20. How so you keep your household organized?

i have a write on calender that i record all the events of the month,week and day. We just stick to our routine cause otherwise it gets really crazy

no, i am not dead

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

So it has been awhile, and really i am not quite sure why i have waited so long to post.So much has gone on. Rehab and Re-Wendy i guess you could say, old friends, new friends,school, life.... alot.

good and bad i am just more determined than every to live it to the fullest. To kiss my kids until they plead with me to stop,remember to tell people that i appreciate them, not stress on those things that really could be worse and that i have no control over. To not forget to live my life while i am waiting for whatever i think is supposed to happen.

okay, so with that said. let me stalk other people's blogs until i find some funny blog assignment to come back with.

from drunk girl to detox...

There will be some who question why i post this. i believe that the writer does not choose what to write, that she writes what is given her to write.
so this is what i had slapped in my face recently.

As i posted i had so much going on this past weekend. party or two, a date with a new boy that seemed NOT to be sometimey, seeing my mom (Jan) on her bday and a slumber party with Elaine. Truly a busy fun weekend.

cue the danger music… dun dun dun........detox was not in the plan. by any means. on any level.

so imagine the sheer terror when i found myself making plans to go. Really started as this way to humor my dad but the more humoring I did the more sense it made and the more I could not talk myself out of needing to go. And then me Thinking I would have time to plan, alcohol to drink, tears to cry, um....doesnt work that way.
well, the time to plan part.

Susie told me to be at NAME HAS BEEN OMITED IN CASE SOMEONE READS THIS THAT WORKS THERE AND I HAVE TO GO BACK….at 3pm (and it was 12:45) so I did what you do when you are fixing to go to alcohol treatment. You buy a liter of R&R and drink yourself unappropriate. Dan (my husband) came home to me having a panic attack ( i was at his house at the time since he was gonna be the one to take me) what the heck was i thinking? What if they would not let me leave? Would anyone remember me? Okay, so it was just a few days but IT WAS REHAB!!! AT A PLACE THAT USED TO HAVE THE WORD BATES IN THE TITLE.....

I really don't remember much of intake. i was led to room two (remember being so thankful to the orderly for giving me my special favorite number room so that must mean i was going to have lots of fun)......sure lady

had my bag searched and she took my wallet...but GASP....she left my phone. So of course i proceeded to pretend i needed to take a nap, curled up on my nasty bed and made a phone call.
(sidenote: i do not remember this but said person on the other end of the phone said i was quite mean to the young lady that saw me on my phone and told on me. i do know i called her a name that has skank at the beginning and something else in it not too Christian of me to post online so I will let you fill in the blanks… and she left shortly after that) already starting out good huh!

Then i heard those words that all unstable people loves to hear...time for meds. i would hear those words many times of the next few days.

days blur together and I don’t ever really remembering what day it was or really what time it was. I do remember asking what time it was only to be told not time for meds yet….um, are we seeing a pattern here? there is not a whole lot to do in detox but write in my journal (and since i was doped up that will prob never see the light of my blog), read 1985 Good Housekeeping, smoke breaks every 45 min (and i dont smoke) and oh yes, med times.
I really did this for 3 days. i can remember just laying there and crying. Staring at the peeling paint (and who the hell came up with the color Insane asylum white, they need to be poked with a hot flat iron in parts that will drive them as crazy as this paint job made me…





Anhoo, back to my sob story. Chow time, as it is called, sucked. That is all I can say. One day we had what tasted like spam that they molded to look like a hamburger and added a little soy sauce for coloring with chocolate pudding that you had to scrape the skin off of it to eat. Stop laughing, this seriously did suck. Another day we had nachos which I did eat and I seriously could not tell you what I had the rest of the time cause I was that doped up. I will say one of the highlights was smuggled pizza night. Since I am not in AA and who the hell cares if this is anonymous cause I don’t know her last name and I doubt she knows what or how to work a computer is Kathy. Kathy is a hoot. She got out there with me and danced in the rain during a smoke break (which could end up on youtube cause steve was kind of suspect and we were in t-shirts…or I was anyway. Anyhow back to Kathy) she called her husband who she seriously called big D (and his name is Tom so you can imagine what the d stood for) and told him to order us a pizza put it on his credit card and have it delivered to the side door and we would get it. And thank the heavens for big d. he called the pizza man and Stephanie and me snuck out the side door (really secure place huh) and got our pizza. CLAWWWDIA our warden, I mean mental health tech or whatever dumb name she is was TICKED “jew do not go outside of dis unit wifout me!!”


Need I describe CLAWWDIA for you???


So yes, pizza party in rehab. Good times good times.





So day 3. By then you can imagine my enjoyment of the meds had wore off and I was just sick of the peeling paint, sick of being on a diet, of having to walk like a herd of cattle cause we were the “detoxers” and can “fwatanize” as Clawwdia calls it with anyone. I was tired of looking at the phone and being sad because no one called. Just tired of it all. The last straw was Gordon the moron telling me to sign the papers to stay 6 weeks “cause I had really good insurance” and the dang pills…so I signed myself out and made misty come and get me. Didn’t tell anyone, just left.


I will tell you this. I was never happier to talk to my mom, my sister Nicole (that really meant a lot girl),Misty, Syard, and especially you will know who you are. To know that someone does care and that it does matter…mattered. Even hearing my dad’s voice was nice to hear. You just don’t really realize how out of control you are until your 6 year old talks about the store where you get suckers and asks her godmother “do you drink r&r too” and I could tell you a lot worse but then you would stop reading my blog so I will stop at it was time.


I got out that first day and had to sleep the meds off for awhile. A long while! But when I got up I decided to go walk. Since I was at Misty’s in Fayetteville I walked all the way down Zion. I stopped to look at the pond, the huge American flag, smiled at the music and the people sitting on the deck at whatever that Mexican resteraunt, I was gonna turn around but I turned onto Crossover and kept walking. I walked all the way to the liquor store and I went in.


This is the part that really makes me proud. I walked up to my very good friend joe. And I got a orange crush. And I left. Without the slightest interest in getting a drink. It was just that simple. Until I started walking down Joyce and had to ask myself what the heck I was thinking I had just been drugged for 3 days and now I am walking a freaking marathon. So I took the shortcut down Mission (this time not at 6am and I did not have any heels in my hand or a mini-skirt on…hahahahaha) so I was cool. Made it back to mistys very tired, legs on fire, but very proud of this first step. I just might be okay with this whole not drinking thing after all. At least for today….

weekend wrap-up

This weekend was great! one much needed time to relax, blow out some bday candles, spend time with an old friend and just enjoy how good life really is.

Kaileigh turned 12 on the 7th. 12? REALLY? i am that old that i have a 12yr old? we will not dwell on that thought for too long but instead move on to the pictures of her slumber party. overall a hit, for the 6 screaming 11 yr olds and my two other screaming even louder kids (Emory and Isaiah) crashing the party.

yes, that is a total of 8 kids and me......need i say more.








Next day mommy (that is me) got to go my friend Rae's house. Rae and i have been friends since like 6th grade (dont do the math, think plus 20 years) one of my oldest friends who for a brief spell we lost touch. But she is up here now and back in full force in my life. i missed her so much and can't say enough how fantastic she is. She is the girl that everyone wants to be around. funny, witty, she is a FANTASTIC artist and beautiful to boot (yeah you are detecting some jealousy there) all kidding aside. i do have some kindof sometime-y friends but she has never been one of them. really fantastic chick.

anyway, she had a girls night. so i braved the boondocks where she lives and went out for some good food, great wine and lots of laughs with some really groovy ladies i had never met. it was a blast.

Rae's little sister Trista, last time I saw her she was 11 or 12....loving the purple hair...


Some of the girls....leave it to me to be holding the wine glass


My fantastic fun friend Rae and myself


so now here i am. started out having a horrible, no good, terrible day on Thursday and on Sunday i am reminded that in my heart lives a God that only wants the best for me. He provides when i least expect OR DESERVE it and I am humbled. very flawed and fallen. but so appreciative for all the great things that he still gives me inspite of myself. I am just really thankful today.

tommorrow may be another story, but today i am good. :)

it's your fault i am not asleep......

so yes, i did get my homework done so at least i can say i got one thing done. the rest of the time i have been feverishly making a cd of all my favorite life changing songs..and here they are and the meaning behind them...



this is for you mom



In My Daughter's Eyes... this is the song i have sung to my girls for as long as i can remember



I Wonder...needs no explanation



I Was Here... wishful thinking on my part



The Best Day....me and Kaileigh's special song. we sing this full blast holding hands..everytime we hear it. our first solo date was to see Taylor Swift sing this live



Angels....just love a man that can sing



Daddy....danced at my wedding (only time i have danced with ....my daddy) to this song



Wasted....just love the words



Alter To The Door....see above



O Holy Night....my favorite christmas song can belt this out like nobody's business



On My Knees....cause that is where i need to be..alot



Where I Stood....for dan...the what if he found someone new to replace me song



You Were Mine....when i found out L had a new g-friend



Taking Chances....a good pick me up



Somewhere Out There....as a kid i remember singing this to you..



I Run To You....our current song of choice to sing and dance to (little man knows ALL the words though he can't say them clearly yet)



Wide Open Spaces....sang this on repeat as i moved from Ft. Smith to Fayetteville nine years ago.



Held...long story. will fill you in sometime



If This World Were Mine....danced at my wedding to this song. first song.





so there it is. your driving home soundtrack. Had a blast, and as always it went by too fast. be there soon, but not soon enough.



love you mom!!

MEETING OF THE MOMS

So i made em do it.

they met.

my mom met my mom....

wasnt worried in the slightest about my dad. he is so super cool fly i knew he would be charming and wonderful and he was....

now my mom she is a whole new bird.....not so sure how that would go.
she would die if she read this, glad she is computer illiterate :)

for the purposes of clarity i will from now on in this post identify them by their given names. Jan and Maureen. know that for the most part, they are mom.

and by the way who the HECK has to tell you they are going to call their parents by their names so you can tell them apart. my life is damn nuts right now!!! seriously, who has the introduce their MOM to their MOM.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

anyway, so i did. Kaileigh and Maureen played checkers and i reminded myself to breathe. as we waited for my parents to show up at Cracker Barrell (that is not how you spell that OH WELL)

to celebrate Kaileigh's 12th birthday (since just the fact that i want them to meet means nothing so far, it has been almost 2 months since i met the lady you'd think they would be anxious to meet the woman who gave birth to their daughter....whole nother post, let it go Wendy)

so they showed up. and we all rose from our rocking chairs (cause you know that is all they got on that dang porch, rows of rocking chairs) i noticed Maureen telling herself to breathe. i really knew it was okay, i could tell by Jan's face that she was okay with it.Maureen walked up to both of them.....

and they hugged.

real hugs. not the fake kind that shapes the rest of the night to be awkard and rushed.we all went in and sat down to eat.

was interested in the seating arrangement. but it worked out nicely. i was pleased. overall.dinner was nice. good mix of talking and story sharing (Jan did not humiliate me with stories like she usually did which was red flag number one) but dad did. we laughed and i got to eat. Misty showed up and i was SO THANKFUL and then Syard came MAKING IT EVEN BETTER. i really have people that love me and will make it all okay.so yeah, dinner was good. even got some pics. and yes,awkard as heck in one of them. but its the thought that counts. they did it cause they knew i wanted it. so major cool points were scored and i left happy.content. okay with it all.overall. i would say. if your birthmom comes to visit you should definately ask your adoptive parents to meet her.

cause when you cant really make sense of it all you will feell in your heart, that at the end of the day they all love you
and there is room enough for everyone.

yes, i am pissed

i am guilty......



i own it and admit it freely. i feel bad that i have hurt people. people that i love. just by having a myspace, a blog, a facebook. because i don't do the "nicey-nicey, i just tell it like it is"

but i hurt them.

and i am sorry

oh yeah, and also i am kind of pissed. cause when did this become your blog? when did i start writing for you and your feelings? when did i STOP writing at all -cause i did not want to piss you off???

have you read the title of my blog???? do you know me at all????

I have been absent. I have stopped doing something I really enjoy. and it sucks. and i am tired of it.

so here it is. i am going to write on my blog. and it will be how i really feel. so if you dont want to hear it DON'T READ IT and if you read it and don't like how i feel DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT cause i loved my blog and now I HATE IT and that is on me for letting you get to me and make me feel bad.......

i realize that there will be other people worse off than me. people that have lost someone they love, someone who is life threateningly sick, someone worse off. There will be someone with something more important to say than lowly ol me. and that is why they win writing prizes and get books published and have 1000 followers. i blog because i spend all day with Dora the Explorer and Scooby Doo and I just want to get it out. and before i could do it in a funny upbeat way and noone that really knew me read it.....or at least they did send me texts quoting my words back to me and telling me how i hurt them.........so i just stopped....

but i am pretty dang low myself. and i do have something to say and since this is MY blog i am going to say it. so just dont read what i have to say if you can't just leave it there. cause i am pissed......

i'm sorry....i miss you....

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field

One word turns into a.....
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield

Can't go back now
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing

These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield

Why does love always feel like
Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
You better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war (start a war)
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for




why oh why...do they not give us emotionally challenged folks a guide..
just a few hints to say
don't say this and be careful of that
i mean, they have "INSERT TOPIC OF CHOICE for dummies"
every subject under the sun
except life

and yes, i know that i should know this stuff by now
but i really am dense.
i get caught up in the excitement and emotion and just awesome-ness of the gift
and then i act like myself and mess it up...
not intentionally mind you, i just open my mouth and that seems to be enough

i am alot to handle i do know this...
not that i am putting myself down or having a pity party.
i just know that i am alot to handle
and god bless those amazingly patient and brave souls that have figured out how to handle me....they are few and far between

this is my white flag.
i dont know how to fix this.
i dont know how to fix me.
but the point should not be that i am flawed
CAUSE I AM
but more importantly that i miss you. and i waited too long for this to be it.
not one single day has gone by that i do not think of you. i am sad.

and hey, i just put myself out there on the internet for EVERYONE to read
(and i am learning that they do.....)
Loved you before i knew "you" as you..

a dream

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest swing.I had a dream.Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest tree.I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.I had a dream

open letter of thanks

this is an open letter to you...and you will know who you are when you start reading.

it's so incredibly raw and frightening for me to begin something new. the fear of the unknown truly is my biggest fear.ever.
spiders, no.
snakes. no.
needles. not at all.
heights. nope.
not knowing. almost unbearable.

and i was hesitant and unsure the first time we spoke. not that i let it stop me, i will admit you had me intrigued. after our phone conversation today i am not hesitant. or unsure.

thank you for being so complex. and so "tell it like it is". thank you for letting me take it all in my own special way. and since i am a mini me version of you i know you will appreciate that i have to do it MY way. thank you for soothing frazzled nerves and calming ruffled feathers. thank you for being unique and authentic. cause i cant do fake.

i thought since you encouraged me to start writing again, that it only fitting my first post be about you. so thank you. for you.

....when I.....

so much of my life has been lived with the mentality... "when I"

when i figure out what i want to be when i grow up...

when i get some more money i will do this....

when i find my birth mother.....

when i finally hit bottom in my drinking.....

when he finally realizes how "GREAT" i am....

it's been a long wait for me. waiting to be fulfilled, content, at peace, happy.....
you can imagine what sort of basket case i am. and how the important people in my life have to be saints in order to still be so important in my life.

cause it's nice to be wanted but kind of pathetic to be always needed.....

so as I sat on my porch..in the rain (which is odd cause i am obsessed with my trampoline when it rains but that is another post) so i am on my porch (complete with lanterns and twinkling christmas lights) i cant help but just wonder why

why not be okay with what i have?
why not be okay to keep my mouth shut and know that things will work themselves out?
why not let this be good enough?

and i dont know that in my time of reflecting that i have an answer for you....wish i did.
i do know that in this second of clarity i stopped to tell my God thank you.
for the clean, pure fragrance of the rain, washing away all the chaos and confusion i felt an hour ago

for my amazing. funny. beyond what i deserve babies, laughing as they jump on my bed (which is a huge no-no but i am letting them do, cause we all got to break the rules sometimes and get away with it)

for the new found family that is complicated and drama filled but nontheless fills me up beyond words

for my old (but always) family that is dysfunctional but is all that i know. for how they DO seem to come through. not always, but enough. and i can appreciate that.

and for myself,
i am not so bad. not always good. but okay with that. i have been through alot, but not enough. loved and been hurt. but still want to be loved some more. made so many mistakes. but learned so much, enough to say it was worth it. flawed. but amazing. have not made my mark on the world. but okay that if i died today i know i tried. not as skinny as i want to be. but okay that i am not that girl.....cause i still get a look or two. have amazing friends!!! and can finally say they are REAL friends.....i am woman enough to say i am wrong, and sorry, and miss you. if you knew my stubborn- i am always right- f*you attitude of my twenties you will know what a life lesson that is for me. but i am NOT always right, and i embrace that.

i am me. and i am a work in progress. good and bad i thank God for it all. that is how we learn. and i am still learning. and for this day at least. i can be okay with just being me. and maybe i dont have to live my life according to 'WHEN I"

not sure what to call this one

Happiness comes from loving more than being loved
and often when our affection seems wounded
it is our vanity bleeding.
To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again-this is the brave and happy life.
For most of life,nothing wonderful happens
if you dont enjoy getting up and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family and friends, then chances are you're not going to very happy.
If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events
that person isnt going to be happy much of the time
if, on the other hand,happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard,hanging out on your trampoline, a long nap, a good book
then we more likely to live with quite a bit more happiness.
it takes so much energy to be negative
wastes so much time to pine for things beyond your reach
takes away blessings in your life
when you are always focused on someone else's actions
it is what it is
accepting and embracing brings a peace and calmness and happiness
to the every day to day tasks that truly make up a life
a happy life....

All I know

We both bruise so easily Too easily To let it show
I love you And that’s all I know
And all my plans keep falling through All my plans they depend on you
Depend on you To help them grow
I love you And that’s all I know
When the singers gone Let the song go on
It’s a fine line between The darkness and the dawn
They say in the darkest night There’s a light beyond
And the ending always comes at last Endings always come too fast
They come too fast And they pass too slow
I love you And that’s all…It’s really all I know

I am kind of lost in bloggy space right now. Not really sure where the heck this blog is going or if i want to keep it up. until i make up my mind i guess i could post.......ummmm...yeah, okay i will post


School is very overwhelming slash exciting. Just being in college is really an experience i never thought i would get to have. And minus the dorm drama (cause i have enough of that already), drunken parties with frat boys (i will not even touch that one with a smart remark) and pretending i have to look a certain way or dress like everyone else (so glad my twenties are gone) i think i might actually have a chance of making it through. I am getting my bachelor's in Business Management and plan to work in the non-profit world where i have been for about 9 years off and on. Scary cause i have not been in school in so long (wont tell you how long) but i love to write so i should be good.


Kids are great! little man is at his dad's and the girls are going to see a play with my parents and then off to Greenwood for the weekend. yes, i am trying to hold back the giddy excitement i feel at having the house all to myself, getting to pee alone and not have to wake up to elbows and feet in my face.....love it!


Just realized i did not post the pics from my recent Texas trip. here they are, was a good trip i think...hopefully the first of many.



My sister Tasha with little man and Kaileigh at the water park


Don't know why we waited till the end of the day to take this. By now we were hot, tired, some of us were sunburned and looked like drowned mice...but it is still a cute pic.

me, my step dad Eddy and my mom (and yes, it is as strange for my to type that as it is for you who know me to read.

my mom and me. this is my favorite picture

One of my beautiful sisters...Natasha

My other witty sister Nicole was there in our hearts, now she provided us with a glimpse so that we could see what it would look like for her to be there in person (at least in a picture)



Natasha, mom and me

group shot

Music Mondays

Decided to get back to a somewhat regular blogging routine again (nothing like having something to ACTUALLY talk about instead of mindless, but fun posts about my favorite 80's toy or humiliation brought on by any one of my 3 children)

so here we go.

This is a new blog I have never visited before. The blog is called Liberal Lollygagging and the Post is called

Monday Music

here is how it works;

I love music. I love to find out about new (to me) music. Sometimes, I find that music speaks for me better than I would in a situation. Every Monday Christina puts up a song that is currently speaking for her.... So, join the fun! What song is currently speaking for you? Visit her blog and Add your post to Mr. Linky

pssss...some of the best songs i have discovered on other people's blogs.....here is mine

(backstory) As i have been blogging about non-stop lately, my birthmother and i have been reunited. i was adopted at birth and have known since i was 10 that "Maureen" was out there somewhere. So the first time i heard this song the tears could not fall down my cheeks fast enough for the next ones to come. And even now after finding her it is still such a raw numbness where all that confusion and lonlieness was. I am not mad or hurt or angry anymore, but for a long time i was. It was the question "are you thinking about me" For so long this was my song. Now I am gonna share it with you.


The song is called "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler.




"I Wonder"
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

Father's Day

I can honestly say I have never, not one time, thought of my biological father on this day. mean, not intentional. self-absorbed, maybe. but today i made an effort to think of him. To wonder how he is and what he would think of me (and prob. with my sister JaLana's help) finding him and saying "hey, guess what?"

i just can't seeing myself do that though. it was always about her. finding her, seeing what she looked like, hearing her story....it has never been about him.

does that make me lacking in the family gene somewhere?

my own dad, Alan, is amazing. gentle and soft spoken, i think the only time i have ever seen him angry has been at me......but i did deserve it of course. In high school i would tell him my car was making a funny noise and he would test drive it and come back with a full tank (and trust me, when he left the light was on). i don't know if anyone has a bad word to say about him, i can't imagine what it would be....

but what about John???

i have learned that is his name, John. Don't have an emotion that comes to mind that i could describe for you hearing his name except for...oh, so that's it. John. I would love to see a picture though. from the records i got from Sellers I always thought i took after him. we have alot of the same physical characteristics and interests on paper (i have since found out my mom filled all that out and she thinks i dont look like him) so i have had to process that. being wrong about who i take after. It truly was one of the things i wondered about. who i looked like, who i acted like, who i could identify with....and i have been fulfilled with meeting my mom. i have.

she is amazing in so many ways. mostly the feeling of FINALLY... of peace and that i don't have to carry this around anymore. While she lived a life in which noone knew...if you know me you know my search for her. And that is not a bad thing it is just stating a fact.

I am going to visit my mom soon. and my kids are coming.......brave lady to take on all of us I will say that. She went from a mom of twins,, to a mom of 3 with 3 grandkids. That has to be alot to process.
My grandmother her mother (mimi) has reached out to me and i have emailed her back. that is kindof a new experience for me as i have never had grandparents that i knew or was close with (i greatly loved my grandma Irene, who i am named after, but she died in 98 and lived hours away so i never really saw her much) I am excited to talk to her, as she was the first one to hold me. And as a mom i can't imagine how i would feel if my baby was giving up her baby.

but it's late and one of my babies is pulling on my knees and begging for a huppy (cup of milk)..so goodnight

and Happy Father's Day John....wherever you are

another hard day at the office for me....

just had to wear those mickey mouse clubhouse floaties....


at least now they are on his arms....

she was screaming at the top of her lungs "who needs spiderman, I am Emory" (THAT'S MY GIRL).....

just like my life right now...upside down......

enough with the camera mom. i am slipping and could kind of use your help.. HER WORDS NOT MINE.....

putting those floaties to good use....

I am a professional daredevil...dont try this at home......
div>

she asked me if she was "fly" after I took this picture...ummmm huh?

had to get the towel placement in just the right spot....

i hate those floaties...almost as much as i hate mickey mouse.....

my fish....

as much as i hate pictures of myself i took these anyway and Emory wanted them posted so here goes, anything for one of my two best girls.....

so now i am going to bed. childless and bored (kids are at their dads) and you would think i could find something else to do besides blog...but when else do i have the time.......so my sunburnt body says thanks for making it all the way to the end of this post. i just could'nt help it, i think my kids are so dang cute.....

Nothing too exciting

Today was just another day....

but I did get to go to Denney's. Not my favorite place to eat (that would be Red Lobster) but a close second. Love me some eggs and toast and Isaiah and Emory had a good time too which always makes it better.

but while I was sitting there got a text from someone I used to love. Telling me that I needed to take a picture of her and me off of my facebook cause "she was not my friend" .....ouch.
I am so far from perfect I do recognize this. but to have it so coldly reminded in a text really was a kick in the gut. But I removed the picture and tried not to be sad the rest of the day. And something tells me she will read this and be pissed off all over again so my advice to her is
"Quit stalking me online and you will not be reminded of what a piece of crap you think I am"


dang.......

but anyway, par for the course with this chick......

I did squeeze in a trip to the dog park for the two kids I have left (Kaileigh is at camp) and Brady which they loved...me, not so much cause it was a million degrees and you have to pick up the poop before you leave in these handy bags they provide for you (how generous)

got home and forced the kids to go to bed....did get to lay on my trampoline by myself. that is truly my all time favorite place in my house. at night. silent. stars. ipod......priceless

came inside and saw the most precious words...internet connected.

i have wireless internet and it likes to be fickle and not connect for long stretches of time. but tonight it was kind and let me update everything. Got to email my sisters (still love saying that. it will never grow old for me or be something I don't treasure) and even saw my picture on my mom's page. We have been a little cautious cause some people don't know, but seeing my picture on her page was a strange sort of validation that felt wonderful. And one of my sisters commented on the pic in a way that people will know we are related so that was ever better.

It truly does get better with time.

so anyway, it's late. I have to be up early to be a model at a class for my hairdresser friend that will have some "new trend" to try on my already fragile hair........ah the life of the brave.

a trip to the library, sweating it out at the park, and smooshing lightning bugs on my legs has pooped me out

It is two am and I am still awake...why you ask?




couldn't tell you.....





I do absolutely adore the sound of my ipod music in one ear, and the mixture of kids snoring in my bed and rain falling outside my open window in the other ear. very peaceful and a great indicator of all the glorious me time I will have if I can just keep my eyes open.....not looking to hopeful that I will get to enjoy it for very long though.





it has been another busy one for the books though (but by the way my June has gone that is not really a suprise now is it) my dog had puppies (3, and thankfully these all lived) Kaileigh made it camp and is having a great time I am sure, Emory went to visit her dad for a week, and Isaiah is, welll , he is two. so that should tell you how he is.





I will admit I am getting used to the whole "hello I am your mother" thing really easy. almost too easy. It's a comfortable easy feeling talking to her. Almost like I have been doing it my whole life. And I guess in a way I have, just not really getting much of a response back. I can say though that the response I get back now more than makes up for it. So it's all good.





Maureen did tell my other sister. So now both of the twins know. I still struggle with how to start up some kind of contact. I don't want to be pushy, but I find myself wanting to be the big sister. To be a part of their circle. Maybe it's the me that never really fit in before wanting to be "in" with the cool popular girls, but I can't help it. They are my sisters and I want to know them. I guess in good time all will be the way it is meant to be. We did find each other after all right?

Today was a fun mommy day. I tend to do that when I am stressing about life (which I do alot of lately) so after an all to early wake up call we headed off to the library. Emory got signed up for the summer book club (man, I sound like a dorky mom I know but she thinks it is the coolest thing ever and I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise) and we chased Isaiah around while he screamed fishy (but it sounded like a vulgar word I will not repeat EVER) . But they had fun and I got a workout.

After not much of a nap we headed off to the park where my son the daredevil climbed on the monkey bars meant for the older kids. Why put the toddler area right next to the big kids area? I mean, come on, you know they see the puny equipment they have and then the super cool and dangerous equipment the big kids get and what do you think they are thinking "oh, this is so much safer, I think I will stay on the slide with the two steps versus the one with the 25 steps"

nawww, not my children!!

So after my heart slowed down we headed home. All in all a good mommy day. But the fun for me came when Emory and I went out to the trampoline and just lay there looking at the stars (and tried to ignore the nearby chicken houses smell).

We talked about life and then caught lightning bugs. I told her if you smoosh them on your skin it will glow. I thought it would freak her out, cause she is obsessed with death right now but she was pumped. So we smooshed........and she loved every second of it.

topped off the night by talking to my mom for awhile. which i needed. I really love that woman!!!! okay, so i am going to try to get to bed now........wish me luck