Friend Makin Mondays

This week the topic is

List of things you cannot live without.........

well, straying from the obvious (i.e. air,food,water,my kids and general hospital) i am going to try to list things out of the norm.......here goes

1.)YANKEE CANDLES


2.)80'S HAIR BANDS



3.)CARMEX



4.)MY TRAMPOLINE


5.)CRYING



6.)SWEATERS


7.)TETRIS


8.)CRAB MEAT WITH LOTS OF HOT BUTTER


9.)MY IPOD


10.)DID I SAY I AM OBSESSED WITH "GENERAL HOSPITAL" YET?

things your kids will never say to you.....

m ommy.......

~I THINK I WILL TURN OFF THE TV AND GO CLEAN MY ROOM

~OH MY GRACIOUS, IS IT 8:15 ALREADY? I SHOULD GO LAY OUT MY CLOTHES FOR TOMMORROW AND GET TO BED

~(PRETEND YOU SEE THREE BODIES, JUMPING OUT OF BED, ALL SMILES) GOODMORNING! WE ARE SO EAGER TO GET OUT OF BED AND ARE SO VERY THANKFUL YOU HAVE MADE US BREAKFAST

~MOMMY, BECAUSE I KNOW IT IS WRONG TO HIT MY THREE YEAR OLD BROTHER, I AM USING THE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS YOU HAVE INSTILLED IN ME TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HE IS USING THE PLASTIC SWORD YOU GOT HIM FOR HIS BIRTHDAY TO HIT ME UPSIDE MY HEAD. I WILL NOT RETALIATE BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WILL BRING HIM HIS DUE PUNISHMENT...AND HE WILL OBEY YOU AND STOP HITTING ME AND MY SISTER.THANK YOU MOMMY

~I LIKE IT WHEN YOU THROW MY OLD TOILET PAPER ROLLS AND PAPER PLATES AND TAGS FROM NEW CLOTHES IN THE TRASH, EVEN THOUGH I WAS SAVING THEM FOR AN ART PROJECT THAT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO STARTING, I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY ROOM IS A TRASH PIT AND I AM THANKFUL YOU CLEANED IT, EVEN AFTER THE TEN TIMES YOU TOLD ME TO CLEAN IT.

~I KNOW YOU ARE WORKING ON YOUR HOMEWORK SO I WILL LET YOU DO THAT IN PEACE AND PLAY IN MY ROOM, OR THE BACKYARD, OR OUR PLAYROOM AND NOT IN YOUR ROOM.



So there you have it. A list of what I will not hear from my kids...

Reasons..

This post is going to be called "reasons", cause so many times i am asked to explain myself....which for the most part, i don't even know myself.

let the blogging begin.

REASONS.....i laugh at my kids

~Isaiah says words that only us, his family can understand (for ex; booby is movie, and riber is river-which he calls every puddle of patch of water he sees)
~Emory me if i am jealous of her brown skin because i have to paint mine on (spray tan)
~Kaileigh telling me i am like Madea, but my boobs don't hang quite that low yet...
GOTTA LOVE MOMMYHOOD HUH


REASONS.....I DON'T own a gun

~drop off/pick up times for school. dang school parents are the WORST drivers (myself not included)
~Joe Rogan or FlavorFlav on my television
~the neighbors dogs,or chickens, or donkeys...take your pick


REASONS......i think i have a personality disorder

~i eat my skittles,m&m's,or reeces pieces by twos and they have to be the same color or i throw them out the window
~i wear colored hair
~i love UFC


REASONS....i love VH1
~Charm School
~any of the xxxxinsert namexx of love shows
~ Behind the music...cause i am nosey like that :)


REASONS....i still believe in love

~Meredith and Mcdreamy
~Sam and Jason
~Peyton and Lucas


i would have a couple more reasons for you, but it is 5:20pm...time for the long drive home.and kid pick up,dinner,bathtime(hopefully for the kids AND me),homework,bedtime.
and tommorrow i get to get up and do it all over again....

humpday recap....

Let's see...where to begin?

hmmmm....okay. work.

i truly LOVE my job. really long hours (when you spend most of your waking hours somewhere NOT with your kids you start to feel guilty)so i do have to remind myself that it is for them and i am not a bad mommy for having to work full time. This is the first year i am not the homeroom mom for both the girls. and Isaiah's birthday party is coming up and this is the first time IN 12 YEARS AND TWO KIDS.... i did not hand make the invites.(please do not take away my parent card,i just did not have time) so yeah. already the party is a failure.....

back to work.i do love it. who would not love being a.)the new single girl that does not have a chest that hangs down to her knees (at least that they can see)and b.) one of FOUR girls working in a home improvement store....
YES,I AM LOVING WORK....at least as long as i can play the new girl card...
tommorrow is sushi thursday. love me some sushi so this should be interesting...:)


now on to school...
Loving that too. I am almost done with my second class and have a 97% at this point.so it is safe to say i am going to do well. It is a writing class which i can bs my way through so i am not worried and will not until i get to the math classes which is class 9....check back then and i may hate it by then. mostly i am so happy to be doing something productive with my life that i just love it all. stress and homework included..

my kids...
are good.Kaileigh is trying to be a teenager. and i am trying to hold her back...she has a facebook now (which i stalk obsessively)and is on the phone ALL THE TIME... i just want her to be a kid as long as she can, is that so horrible of me. she has so long to be grown..
Emory is good. thriving in school and goes to the boys and girls club afterschool (which she loves) so not much to report as far as she goes(which is great,cause she is my prison or president kid...it could go either way with that one)
Isaiah turns 3 in 3 days. sniff sniff. not sure how i am thinking about that one.he is my baby after all and I just dont know if i want to think of him as a THREE YEAR OLD. he did start preschool(you have to be 3 to go there. No babies, and they are serious about being SCHOOL)which he loves. He thinks he is such the big boy, just like his two sissies.....very cute.sniff sniff
i am sure i will have lots of pics soon of the big 3

I could spill many secrets on the love life,but Jan always preached the power of a lady so i will keep those to myself. Let's just say in true Wendy fashion it is drama filled and when i can i will update.
until then. i need to finsih some laundry..and a paper or three, so i need to go.

Love you mom...and think of you daily.....:)

Survey says

Now I Know My ABC's

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

Take this survey

A - Age:
31....old my daughter says
B - Bed size:
king..wish i was there now
C - Chinese Food Dish:
house fried rice MONG DYNASTY
D - Dentist name:
Dr. Watts
E - Early Bird or Night Owl?
with this schedule. early bird
F - Favorite color:
purple
G - Gold or Silver:
white gold
H - Height:
5'7
I - Ink as in tatto's you have:
two..going on 5
J - Job title:
Mommy
K - Kitchen Meal or Restaurant?
Kitchen
L - Living arrangements:
me and my babies
M - Month of birth:
February
N - Nicknames:
Breezy and Wen
O - On time or late:
always late
P - Pet Peeve:
rude kids and stupid girls
Q - Quote from a movie:
"all i have to do is stay black and die" ~Lean on me
R - Right or left handed:
depends on what i am doing
S - Siblings:
lately they are coming out of the woodwork :) 3 sisters, 1 brother
T - Time you wake up:
too early
U - Urgent thing on your to do list:
go to the bathroom
V - Vegetable you dislike:
peas..gross
W - Wishing for:
my first paycheck :)
X - X-rays you've had:
with 15 kidney stones and 3 kids. too many to count
Y - Yummy food you make:
meatloaf, pork chops, 4 layer potatos, green bean bundles
Z - Zoo Favorite:
reptiles

CLICK'>http://www.surveydumpster.com/takesurvey.php?id=961">CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

opppsss

okay, so i had a post all typed and ready to post and for some reason all it said was
Is is Monday???

man is that the truth. so the whole long post i spent so much time on...is gone. and i am so stinking tired that i can not redo it right now. i will fix it...i promise.

until then, i love you mom :) i know i know, i am killing you with the non-computer activity but this work and school and baby thing is killing me. catch up is coming but until then i love you lots and think about you every day

is it Monday???

Friend Making Mondays

i always plan to do other posts during the week, but somehow this is the only post i do on a regular basis...hmmmmm..... i just can't help it. i love it. so here is my FRIEND MAKING MONDAY POST......

Kelsey @ ALL THAT IS GOOD is just getting back from vacay so someone else is hosting. but this week is a good one; and it is on my FAVORITE subject....fall. i truly do love fall more than any other time other than Christmas. and this year i have more reasons to look forward to it, CAUSE I GET TO MEET MY FAMILY... long story short. i am adopted and have just recently been reunited with my family. i will meet some of my family for the first time on Thanksgiving. yes, deep i know. check my previous posts for the whole story. as my mom and I agree, we need to write a screenplay for a lifetime movie...until then, you get my blog..... :)

What are some of your favorite things about fall?

this has got to be my most favorite time of year. From the candle scents to the outdoor colors i just love it all. sweaters and crisp air.....i just love it!!!


here is my list...

UGH.....ME AND YANKEE CANDLES...LONG STANDING LOVE AFFAIR


AND I DOOOOO LOVE THE LEAVES IN ALL THEIR PRETTY COLORS OF ORANGES AND REDS AND BROWNS


FAMILY TIME AT THE PUMPKIN PATCH...THE SCHOOL CARNIVALS AND HALLOWEEN AND CARVING PUMPKINS...ALL THOSE THINGS WE GET TO DO THAT MAKE MEMORIES...THAT IS SO SPECIAL TO ME.

CRISP AIR. THE KIND WHERE YOUR WINDOW IS DOWN AND YOU DONT HAVE TO RUN THE AC. WHEN YOU TAKE A DEEP BREATH IN AND YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR LUNGS.

THIS YEAR. THIS FALL, I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR. I WILL GET TO SPEND IT WITH MY MOM. THE MOM THAT GAVE BIRTH TO ME. AND THE SISTERS I ADORE.....I AM VERY BLESSED AND VERY EXCITED FOR US ALL TO BE TOGETHER....SO THIS FALL WILL BE VERY SPECIAL....

okay mom......i get it. :)

so as my mom has reminded me repeatedly it's no longer Friend Making Monday (although, in all reality i am writing this so late it is in fact Monday) but anyways, let's see if i can make some sort of sense of the screaming mess in my head.

it's been nuts to say the least. and so much is about to be changing in my life (hopefully for the better) i should have been trying to remember to breathe and enjoy the down time.

but i don't do down time very well.

i start a new job on Tuesday. a real job. i am going to work for a local home improvement store as a inside sales assistant buyer for the lighting department. basically my desk is in the middle of the store and i take the orders for the outside sales guys (like when they go to a contractor office or job site) and i will handle all the inside orders as well. i am excited. very out of the norm for me. never been in construction or anything like that but the money is good and i love home decor so it should be a fun job for me.
still in school and still loving every second of it. i am finding it is something i am good at and it is building my self esteem and sense of self worth up. good things...

on the love front. not really sure what is up with that. if Dan had his way we would be back together....i just don't know though. i am not going to take any of this for granted. i am not going to let myself get back in a rut and unhappy again. i just can't.
so i just go day by day and just live as though "it is what it is" and hopefully the rest will work itself out. i really liked the guy i refer to as silly boy. he, on the other hand, liked to sleep around. and i am just too old for that. so as hard as it is i just had to walk away from that one. i did have this thought though that i will share now.

So i don't know if you picked this up or not, but lately it has been one thing after another for me.

lose my job,lose my husband,lose my house,lose my mind, become a raging alcoholic,decide maybe i am not an alcoholic i just have issues so i check into detox,
oh wait, i missed the DWI-finding my birth family and major drama with my adopted family, find mr. perfect and he decides to be just mr.perfect right now, start back to college,get a full time job. and my ex wants to get back together....and did i mention that i have 3 kids?and that is all in the span of 4 MONTHS!

Needless to say, i have no idea what i want. well, let me take that back. i do want peace, to keep on lauging at myself and life, and fun. and to be able to balance my time as Wendy and my time as mommy.

maybe the correct statement should be i dont know what i want for my heart. but what the hell, that has gotten me in so much chaos maybe what i want for my heart is to just want me. to be in love with myself (i know if you look that up on wikipedia that would say conceited by it) but really. it's not like you NEED a man. They do make batteries that run these nifty little gadgets that make men almost obsolete this days.....just sayin.

i started this idea when mr. perfect silly boy asked me if we could be good friends.( i know, ouch right) this is a good idea in thought but not very practical.

it is a phrase used by someone who wants out of a relationship (or in our case a non-relationship).

falling in love carries us beyond our customary limits of self expression and puts us into territory that puts our sense of self at risk. it's like you are putting your heart in the hands of someone else for safekeeping and that kind of interdependance on someone else is a devestating experience.

Of course you will have feelings of being less of yourself. because you feel like some part of you is missing.
Rational thinking? maybe not. but nonetheless the heart just wants what it wants. it does not have to make sense.

for me, grieving is a gradual process. Trying to find someway to extract the "I" from the vanishing "we".
grieving provides a way-the only way- for me to retrieve what i have invested in someone. Even if that time was long in length or wide in expectations.
all love stories end-even those that last a lifetime.

now don't get me wrong. i am an optimist and a romantic (just look, i have held out for two years that Sam and Jason on General Hospital will get back together and last week they did it) oh happy day :)

what my point is to all of this rambling. what i have so clearly seen these past couple of weeks is not that i should be sad, or feel like an idiot for caring about someone who can't care about me (or doesnt want to care) it is that there is more to gain than just surviving the break-up (which we all do. breaking up does not kill you) there is this possibility of becoming more than you were, more able to understand and undertake the experience of love in all of its sadness as well as joy.

so you see, i guess the best way to describe how i am feeling right now is that i am a work in progress. some days are better than others and i am just doing the best i can......

Friend Making Mondays

It has been a really long time since I have done a Friend Making Monday post. so I decided to start here. Visit Amber , for her 20 Questions idea and if you want to find out more about friend making mondays, the button is on the side bar of my blog...so here goes

20 Questions

1. Do you cook every night?

no. honestly i do not. i do cook some nights (3 or 4). something i do like to do though is to let my 12 year old Kaileigh TRY to cook dinner. i think it is teaching her a useful skill for the future and she likes to think she is grown..plus it gives me time to do other things (cause you know with 3 kids there is never enough time)

2. What kind of laundry detergent do you use & why?

Tide, Tide, Tide. i can't get enough of that smell. Walking into my laundry room while the washing machine is going is almost better than Burnt Cider candles (i did say almost)

3. Do you do laundry everyday for loads at a time? OK...so i am not ashamed to admit that my laundry is never caught up. i mean, really. who has their laundry caught up ALL the time on a regular basis except maybe Kate G...need i say more? LOL

4. How often do you eat out per week? depends on who is paying

5. Where do you usually eat out? Mong Dynasty, Charlie's Chicken, Red Lobster and the old time family tradition of McDonald's (or as Isaiah says Donald Ducks)

6. What is your favorite retail store? Kirklands,Gordman's, and i just can't be original here but i live at Wal-Mart

7. What's your favorite thing to drink? it used to be Dr. Pepper but i must admit lately it has been Orange Fanta (and my daughter sings the dumb commercial song everytime annoying the snot out of me)

8. Do you take vitamins? no. none

9. What percentage of the household chores to you do? Depends on what i can cajole or bribe my kids to help me out with....hahahah. not really. they do have their chores and i have mine...so i would say it is 70/40

10. Do your children do chores? Kaileigh does dishes, trash and feeds the dogs

Emory makes the mess and then cries when she is asked to pick them up (i dont care though you mess it up you pick it up in this house) even Isaiah...for the most part

11. Do you go to church? yes. sometimes. okay, not as much as we should

12. Do you have a housework schedule? No.

13. Do you keep a working budget? I couldn't live without it. Being a single mom, in school. have to have a budget (not that it "works" all the time for me though)

14. What do you do at night as a family? Dinner, homework, we sometimes go to the dog park (we have 4 dogs) or to the library. Depends on how much time we have

15. How do you prepare yourself for a new week?

I journal alot. It makes me feel clear and able to process all that goes on in my crazy life. I can look back on my thoughts from time to time and see how i have come out of situations i did not know if i was gonna be able to handle.

16. What do your mornings look like?

crazy. hectic. but lots of giggles and always end with kids getting out of the car screaming "love you mom, sis, bub" and i love hearing Isaiah scream back "wuv you honey, good day cool" he got that from me because i always say "love you honey, have a good day at school" it really is a sight. the girls have gotten used to it so they don't close the door till they hear us both say it. and he smiles, feeling like a big boy showing his women he loves them....

17. What time do you get up in the morning?

at a time that used to be obscene to me. but really 6am is not so early i know.

18. What time do you go to bed at night?

never at the same time. depends on my homework or if i am reading a good book, or online (which is not a good idea for me at night i just cant shut it off :) usually 11 or 12

19. How do you manage all of the paperwork that floods into your household? i have a box that i keep important school papers in, a bill sorter,and the trash can where papers go in their right place as it comes in. Otherwise with 3 kids it gets to be too much

20. How so you keep your household organized?

i have a write on calender that i record all the events of the month,week and day. We just stick to our routine cause otherwise it gets really crazy

no, i am not dead

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

So it has been awhile, and really i am not quite sure why i have waited so long to post.So much has gone on. Rehab and Re-Wendy i guess you could say, old friends, new friends,school, life.... alot.

good and bad i am just more determined than every to live it to the fullest. To kiss my kids until they plead with me to stop,remember to tell people that i appreciate them, not stress on those things that really could be worse and that i have no control over. To not forget to live my life while i am waiting for whatever i think is supposed to happen.

okay, so with that said. let me stalk other people's blogs until i find some funny blog assignment to come back with.

from drunk girl to detox...

There will be some who question why i post this. i believe that the writer does not choose what to write, that she writes what is given her to write.
so this is what i had slapped in my face recently.

As i posted i had so much going on this past weekend. party or two, a date with a new boy that seemed NOT to be sometimey, seeing my mom (Jan) on her bday and a slumber party with Elaine. Truly a busy fun weekend.

cue the danger music… dun dun dun........detox was not in the plan. by any means. on any level.

so imagine the sheer terror when i found myself making plans to go. Really started as this way to humor my dad but the more humoring I did the more sense it made and the more I could not talk myself out of needing to go. And then me Thinking I would have time to plan, alcohol to drink, tears to cry, um....doesnt work that way.
well, the time to plan part.

Susie told me to be at NAME HAS BEEN OMITED IN CASE SOMEONE READS THIS THAT WORKS THERE AND I HAVE TO GO BACK….at 3pm (and it was 12:45) so I did what you do when you are fixing to go to alcohol treatment. You buy a liter of R&R and drink yourself unappropriate. Dan (my husband) came home to me having a panic attack ( i was at his house at the time since he was gonna be the one to take me) what the heck was i thinking? What if they would not let me leave? Would anyone remember me? Okay, so it was just a few days but IT WAS REHAB!!! AT A PLACE THAT USED TO HAVE THE WORD BATES IN THE TITLE.....

I really don't remember much of intake. i was led to room two (remember being so thankful to the orderly for giving me my special favorite number room so that must mean i was going to have lots of fun)......sure lady

had my bag searched and she took my wallet...but GASP....she left my phone. So of course i proceeded to pretend i needed to take a nap, curled up on my nasty bed and made a phone call.
(sidenote: i do not remember this but said person on the other end of the phone said i was quite mean to the young lady that saw me on my phone and told on me. i do know i called her a name that has skank at the beginning and something else in it not too Christian of me to post online so I will let you fill in the blanks… and she left shortly after that) already starting out good huh!

Then i heard those words that all unstable people loves to hear...time for meds. i would hear those words many times of the next few days.

days blur together and I don’t ever really remembering what day it was or really what time it was. I do remember asking what time it was only to be told not time for meds yet….um, are we seeing a pattern here? there is not a whole lot to do in detox but write in my journal (and since i was doped up that will prob never see the light of my blog), read 1985 Good Housekeeping, smoke breaks every 45 min (and i dont smoke) and oh yes, med times.
I really did this for 3 days. i can remember just laying there and crying. Staring at the peeling paint (and who the hell came up with the color Insane asylum white, they need to be poked with a hot flat iron in parts that will drive them as crazy as this paint job made me…





Anhoo, back to my sob story. Chow time, as it is called, sucked. That is all I can say. One day we had what tasted like spam that they molded to look like a hamburger and added a little soy sauce for coloring with chocolate pudding that you had to scrape the skin off of it to eat. Stop laughing, this seriously did suck. Another day we had nachos which I did eat and I seriously could not tell you what I had the rest of the time cause I was that doped up. I will say one of the highlights was smuggled pizza night. Since I am not in AA and who the hell cares if this is anonymous cause I don’t know her last name and I doubt she knows what or how to work a computer is Kathy. Kathy is a hoot. She got out there with me and danced in the rain during a smoke break (which could end up on youtube cause steve was kind of suspect and we were in t-shirts…or I was anyway. Anyhow back to Kathy) she called her husband who she seriously called big D (and his name is Tom so you can imagine what the d stood for) and told him to order us a pizza put it on his credit card and have it delivered to the side door and we would get it. And thank the heavens for big d. he called the pizza man and Stephanie and me snuck out the side door (really secure place huh) and got our pizza. CLAWWWDIA our warden, I mean mental health tech or whatever dumb name she is was TICKED “jew do not go outside of dis unit wifout me!!”


Need I describe CLAWWDIA for you???


So yes, pizza party in rehab. Good times good times.





So day 3. By then you can imagine my enjoyment of the meds had wore off and I was just sick of the peeling paint, sick of being on a diet, of having to walk like a herd of cattle cause we were the “detoxers” and can “fwatanize” as Clawwdia calls it with anyone. I was tired of looking at the phone and being sad because no one called. Just tired of it all. The last straw was Gordon the moron telling me to sign the papers to stay 6 weeks “cause I had really good insurance” and the dang pills…so I signed myself out and made misty come and get me. Didn’t tell anyone, just left.


I will tell you this. I was never happier to talk to my mom, my sister Nicole (that really meant a lot girl),Misty, Syard, and especially you will know who you are. To know that someone does care and that it does matter…mattered. Even hearing my dad’s voice was nice to hear. You just don’t really realize how out of control you are until your 6 year old talks about the store where you get suckers and asks her godmother “do you drink r&r too” and I could tell you a lot worse but then you would stop reading my blog so I will stop at it was time.


I got out that first day and had to sleep the meds off for awhile. A long while! But when I got up I decided to go walk. Since I was at Misty’s in Fayetteville I walked all the way down Zion. I stopped to look at the pond, the huge American flag, smiled at the music and the people sitting on the deck at whatever that Mexican resteraunt, I was gonna turn around but I turned onto Crossover and kept walking. I walked all the way to the liquor store and I went in.


This is the part that really makes me proud. I walked up to my very good friend joe. And I got a orange crush. And I left. Without the slightest interest in getting a drink. It was just that simple. Until I started walking down Joyce and had to ask myself what the heck I was thinking I had just been drugged for 3 days and now I am walking a freaking marathon. So I took the shortcut down Mission (this time not at 6am and I did not have any heels in my hand or a mini-skirt on…hahahahaha) so I was cool. Made it back to mistys very tired, legs on fire, but very proud of this first step. I just might be okay with this whole not drinking thing after all. At least for today….

weekend wrap-up

This weekend was great! one much needed time to relax, blow out some bday candles, spend time with an old friend and just enjoy how good life really is.

Kaileigh turned 12 on the 7th. 12? REALLY? i am that old that i have a 12yr old? we will not dwell on that thought for too long but instead move on to the pictures of her slumber party. overall a hit, for the 6 screaming 11 yr olds and my two other screaming even louder kids (Emory and Isaiah) crashing the party.

yes, that is a total of 8 kids and me......need i say more.








Next day mommy (that is me) got to go my friend Rae's house. Rae and i have been friends since like 6th grade (dont do the math, think plus 20 years) one of my oldest friends who for a brief spell we lost touch. But she is up here now and back in full force in my life. i missed her so much and can't say enough how fantastic she is. She is the girl that everyone wants to be around. funny, witty, she is a FANTASTIC artist and beautiful to boot (yeah you are detecting some jealousy there) all kidding aside. i do have some kindof sometime-y friends but she has never been one of them. really fantastic chick.

anyway, she had a girls night. so i braved the boondocks where she lives and went out for some good food, great wine and lots of laughs with some really groovy ladies i had never met. it was a blast.

Rae's little sister Trista, last time I saw her she was 11 or 12....loving the purple hair...


Some of the girls....leave it to me to be holding the wine glass


My fantastic fun friend Rae and myself


so now here i am. started out having a horrible, no good, terrible day on Thursday and on Sunday i am reminded that in my heart lives a God that only wants the best for me. He provides when i least expect OR DESERVE it and I am humbled. very flawed and fallen. but so appreciative for all the great things that he still gives me inspite of myself. I am just really thankful today.

tommorrow may be another story, but today i am good. :)

it's your fault i am not asleep......

so yes, i did get my homework done so at least i can say i got one thing done. the rest of the time i have been feverishly making a cd of all my favorite life changing songs..and here they are and the meaning behind them...



this is for you mom



In My Daughter's Eyes... this is the song i have sung to my girls for as long as i can remember



I Wonder...needs no explanation



I Was Here... wishful thinking on my part



The Best Day....me and Kaileigh's special song. we sing this full blast holding hands..everytime we hear it. our first solo date was to see Taylor Swift sing this live



Angels....just love a man that can sing



Daddy....danced at my wedding (only time i have danced with ....my daddy) to this song



Wasted....just love the words



Alter To The Door....see above



O Holy Night....my favorite christmas song can belt this out like nobody's business



On My Knees....cause that is where i need to be..alot



Where I Stood....for dan...the what if he found someone new to replace me song



You Were Mine....when i found out L had a new g-friend



Taking Chances....a good pick me up



Somewhere Out There....as a kid i remember singing this to you..



I Run To You....our current song of choice to sing and dance to (little man knows ALL the words though he can't say them clearly yet)



Wide Open Spaces....sang this on repeat as i moved from Ft. Smith to Fayetteville nine years ago.



Held...long story. will fill you in sometime



If This World Were Mine....danced at my wedding to this song. first song.





so there it is. your driving home soundtrack. Had a blast, and as always it went by too fast. be there soon, but not soon enough.



love you mom!!

MEETING OF THE MOMS

So i made em do it.

they met.

my mom met my mom....

wasnt worried in the slightest about my dad. he is so super cool fly i knew he would be charming and wonderful and he was....

now my mom she is a whole new bird.....not so sure how that would go.
she would die if she read this, glad she is computer illiterate :)

for the purposes of clarity i will from now on in this post identify them by their given names. Jan and Maureen. know that for the most part, they are mom.

and by the way who the HECK has to tell you they are going to call their parents by their names so you can tell them apart. my life is damn nuts right now!!! seriously, who has the introduce their MOM to their MOM.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

anyway, so i did. Kaileigh and Maureen played checkers and i reminded myself to breathe. as we waited for my parents to show up at Cracker Barrell (that is not how you spell that OH WELL)

to celebrate Kaileigh's 12th birthday (since just the fact that i want them to meet means nothing so far, it has been almost 2 months since i met the lady you'd think they would be anxious to meet the woman who gave birth to their daughter....whole nother post, let it go Wendy)

so they showed up. and we all rose from our rocking chairs (cause you know that is all they got on that dang porch, rows of rocking chairs) i noticed Maureen telling herself to breathe. i really knew it was okay, i could tell by Jan's face that she was okay with it.Maureen walked up to both of them.....

and they hugged.

real hugs. not the fake kind that shapes the rest of the night to be awkard and rushed.we all went in and sat down to eat.

was interested in the seating arrangement. but it worked out nicely. i was pleased. overall.dinner was nice. good mix of talking and story sharing (Jan did not humiliate me with stories like she usually did which was red flag number one) but dad did. we laughed and i got to eat. Misty showed up and i was SO THANKFUL and then Syard came MAKING IT EVEN BETTER. i really have people that love me and will make it all okay.so yeah, dinner was good. even got some pics. and yes,awkard as heck in one of them. but its the thought that counts. they did it cause they knew i wanted it. so major cool points were scored and i left happy.content. okay with it all.overall. i would say. if your birthmom comes to visit you should definately ask your adoptive parents to meet her.

cause when you cant really make sense of it all you will feell in your heart, that at the end of the day they all love you
and there is room enough for everyone.

yes, i am pissed

i am guilty......



i own it and admit it freely. i feel bad that i have hurt people. people that i love. just by having a myspace, a blog, a facebook. because i don't do the "nicey-nicey, i just tell it like it is"

but i hurt them.

and i am sorry

oh yeah, and also i am kind of pissed. cause when did this become your blog? when did i start writing for you and your feelings? when did i STOP writing at all -cause i did not want to piss you off???

have you read the title of my blog???? do you know me at all????

I have been absent. I have stopped doing something I really enjoy. and it sucks. and i am tired of it.

so here it is. i am going to write on my blog. and it will be how i really feel. so if you dont want to hear it DON'T READ IT and if you read it and don't like how i feel DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT cause i loved my blog and now I HATE IT and that is on me for letting you get to me and make me feel bad.......

i realize that there will be other people worse off than me. people that have lost someone they love, someone who is life threateningly sick, someone worse off. There will be someone with something more important to say than lowly ol me. and that is why they win writing prizes and get books published and have 1000 followers. i blog because i spend all day with Dora the Explorer and Scooby Doo and I just want to get it out. and before i could do it in a funny upbeat way and noone that really knew me read it.....or at least they did send me texts quoting my words back to me and telling me how i hurt them.........so i just stopped....

but i am pretty dang low myself. and i do have something to say and since this is MY blog i am going to say it. so just dont read what i have to say if you can't just leave it there. cause i am pissed......

i'm sorry....i miss you....

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field

One word turns into a.....
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield

Can't go back now
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing

These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield

Why does love always feel like
Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
You better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war (start a war)
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for




why oh why...do they not give us emotionally challenged folks a guide..
just a few hints to say
don't say this and be careful of that
i mean, they have "INSERT TOPIC OF CHOICE for dummies"
every subject under the sun
except life

and yes, i know that i should know this stuff by now
but i really am dense.
i get caught up in the excitement and emotion and just awesome-ness of the gift
and then i act like myself and mess it up...
not intentionally mind you, i just open my mouth and that seems to be enough

i am alot to handle i do know this...
not that i am putting myself down or having a pity party.
i just know that i am alot to handle
and god bless those amazingly patient and brave souls that have figured out how to handle me....they are few and far between

this is my white flag.
i dont know how to fix this.
i dont know how to fix me.
but the point should not be that i am flawed
CAUSE I AM
but more importantly that i miss you. and i waited too long for this to be it.
not one single day has gone by that i do not think of you. i am sad.

and hey, i just put myself out there on the internet for EVERYONE to read
(and i am learning that they do.....)
Loved you before i knew "you" as you..

a dream

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest swing.I had a dream.Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.I had a dreamThat I could fly from the highest tree.I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.I had a dream

open letter of thanks

this is an open letter to you...and you will know who you are when you start reading.

it's so incredibly raw and frightening for me to begin something new. the fear of the unknown truly is my biggest fear.ever.
spiders, no.
snakes. no.
needles. not at all.
heights. nope.
not knowing. almost unbearable.

and i was hesitant and unsure the first time we spoke. not that i let it stop me, i will admit you had me intrigued. after our phone conversation today i am not hesitant. or unsure.

thank you for being so complex. and so "tell it like it is". thank you for letting me take it all in my own special way. and since i am a mini me version of you i know you will appreciate that i have to do it MY way. thank you for soothing frazzled nerves and calming ruffled feathers. thank you for being unique and authentic. cause i cant do fake.

i thought since you encouraged me to start writing again, that it only fitting my first post be about you. so thank you. for you.

....when I.....

so much of my life has been lived with the mentality... "when I"

when i figure out what i want to be when i grow up...

when i get some more money i will do this....

when i find my birth mother.....

when i finally hit bottom in my drinking.....

when he finally realizes how "GREAT" i am....

it's been a long wait for me. waiting to be fulfilled, content, at peace, happy.....
you can imagine what sort of basket case i am. and how the important people in my life have to be saints in order to still be so important in my life.

cause it's nice to be wanted but kind of pathetic to be always needed.....

so as I sat on my porch..in the rain (which is odd cause i am obsessed with my trampoline when it rains but that is another post) so i am on my porch (complete with lanterns and twinkling christmas lights) i cant help but just wonder why

why not be okay with what i have?
why not be okay to keep my mouth shut and know that things will work themselves out?
why not let this be good enough?

and i dont know that in my time of reflecting that i have an answer for you....wish i did.
i do know that in this second of clarity i stopped to tell my God thank you.
for the clean, pure fragrance of the rain, washing away all the chaos and confusion i felt an hour ago

for my amazing. funny. beyond what i deserve babies, laughing as they jump on my bed (which is a huge no-no but i am letting them do, cause we all got to break the rules sometimes and get away with it)

for the new found family that is complicated and drama filled but nontheless fills me up beyond words

for my old (but always) family that is dysfunctional but is all that i know. for how they DO seem to come through. not always, but enough. and i can appreciate that.

and for myself,
i am not so bad. not always good. but okay with that. i have been through alot, but not enough. loved and been hurt. but still want to be loved some more. made so many mistakes. but learned so much, enough to say it was worth it. flawed. but amazing. have not made my mark on the world. but okay that if i died today i know i tried. not as skinny as i want to be. but okay that i am not that girl.....cause i still get a look or two. have amazing friends!!! and can finally say they are REAL friends.....i am woman enough to say i am wrong, and sorry, and miss you. if you knew my stubborn- i am always right- f*you attitude of my twenties you will know what a life lesson that is for me. but i am NOT always right, and i embrace that.

i am me. and i am a work in progress. good and bad i thank God for it all. that is how we learn. and i am still learning. and for this day at least. i can be okay with just being me. and maybe i dont have to live my life according to 'WHEN I"