Day of my divorce...can you even paint this day funny??

I feel like I need to document this day. I tried to think of some clever title, some cute post that really would not paint the occasion as not as sad and ....just sad. as I am. My divorce was final today..

Does anyone ever really see themselves on divorce day?

I woke up knowing I had to go to court today. So I dressed down. I really did show up to court looking like a skank. jeans and flip flops. my hair not done up with rollers, like I usually do for special occasions.

cause this was not a special occasion. this was not something i am proud of or wanted to happen.

 for the record.i did not want this.

but I made that hard decision that after so many times of him leaving and telling me to "find someone to take care of me and my kids" i did find someone.......

i found myself

and being impulsive and irrational and sarcastic and all that I am it was not an easy decision to make. Do I always make good or perfect decisions now as a single mommy of three. HELL NO! but do I feel like i had to do it. yes. i did.

while I do not pine away for my ex I pine for the dream of happily ever after that I thought we had found in each other. I pine for the stability and security that I thought I had given my kids and the approval that I finally had in my family (deep rooted issue.having kids out of wedlock.inter-racial. whole nother post)

the fact is....I PINE FOR THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER I THOUGHT I FOUND...

in some other post and some other day I will make light. I will wear my divorcee bag and dream of Mr. White Night that I still believe to be out there.

tonight though i will cry. i will be sad. and i will mourn my not so happily ever after.....