Thursday, April 07, 2011

and once apon a time it was just us two...

All those many years ago (13 to be exact) I recall the moment like it happened yesterday. We were sitting in my parents living room and I'm not sure where my mom was but my dad was in his favorite recliner reading the newspaper. He made the comment "why don't you move back home". I'd moved out like alot of just graduated eighteen year olds do and I nonchalantly made the comment "I can't, because if I do I can't get medicaid because they will want to use your income".

He was shocked. I don't even know if he knew what medicaid was. And to have to explain to him that yes, I did need medicaid because I was pregant was almost more than I could bear. I have always wanted to be called a daddy's girl. I loved this man that had taken such good care of me so much and I knew that right then I had broken his heart irrepairably. And I could never make it right again. Because unlike my sister, I was not marrying the putz that I for the past 3 years had thought I loved.

But I also knew that adoption was not an option.

To say that my relationship with my parents from then on was strained is an understatement. I have never been one that "does what I am told" and the events that happened after that conversation which I will keep private.... marked us to this day. Unconditional is a nice thought in theory. But it doesnt always apply to reality...

THIS kid though.

the "she's not mine",,, "should'nt be here",,,"your selfish because you are keeping her",,,"your biological mother did it and look how it turned out" kid that I get to stare in awe at every single day made me believe again in the power of the heart.

She is all that I never knew I could do but hoped that I would. She makes my heart soar and my spirit sing songs of redemption and better days. She is my strength and my willpower when I just want to give up and take the easy way out. I am a living example of a weak hearted woman who thought that taking the easy way out was "doing the right thing" and I just knew I wasnt that girl. I could never live with that. and I don't have to. I can kiss her and love her freely and watch proudly as she grows more brave, kind, tender hearted and compassionate in all her own ways.

Can you tell I am one proud momma?

kaileigh had to grow up with me and that has not been an easy road for either one of us (her more than me I am sure) but she never holds that against me, never calls me out for it, and never makes my bad choices as her own so maybe my mistakes are a good thing.

We have a song. I don't even remember how it became our song, but every single time it comes on we dance around the house and sing it together. More than once it has come on in the car and like one single mind we automatically reach out and lace fingers. We smile and sing it aloud and stay that way till the song is over. She looks at me with eyes that tell me she adores me, and loves me despite my flaws...and I know she sees that in my eyes I am telling her that she was and is worth every single hard decision I had to make to get us to this point...













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