here fishy fishy fishy

took a break from my melodrama and took the kids fishing with the parentals....day full of hook with hop hoppers (Isaiah's words for crickets) adventures and Michael Jackson songs...

have i told you lately how much i adore my babies

no son, you cannot wear that fishing....absolutely not!

dont let them sting me (Isaiah) they dont have anything to sting you with silly (Emory)

But your right, they sure are ugly

momma and the babies

very pretty, calm spot...

writing all the things down she saw in "farmtown" as she called it

Pawpaw helping Isaiah with the fish they caught

what! you want me touch it?

this is Bob.

daydreaming about who knows what

here fishy fishy

Dont step in the "Quicksand" mom..(isaiah)

one time they were actually holding hands instead of using those hands to hit each other

my goofball babies and the parentals at the end of a very. great. day!!!

top fives....of the week anyway

TOP FIVE MOVIES....

Life as We Know It

Triston & Isolde

Grease 2

Conviction

The Romantics


TOP FIVE SONGS....
Single Girls

Jar of Hearts

Just You and Me

Dirt Road Anthem

Strip Me



TOP FIVE BOOKS....
Emma and Me (i mention this book all the time. it's one of those books you CAN not put down. It's tragic and heartbreaking and enthralling and maybe my all time favorite...a label i almost never give something because my favorites change so often. It's a story of abuse and empowerment. if you never read books other people recommend read this one, you won't be sorry) 

My Cousin Once Removed (the tale of the family member that everyone knew was a family member but left for reasons noone talked about. i can relate. it's a neat story that is touching)

Are You my Mother (if you know me this is an obvious. This was always a story that i wanted my mom to read to me. Couldnt exactly tell her why i loved it, but it carries over into my adult hood because my kids have me read it to them. the most thrilling moment for me has been when Isaiah said "your my mommy and your the best mommy ever")

My name is Sangoul (my latest English class is Children's Literature in a Pluralistic Society. it's a great class and i love it. We read kids books and pick them apart. This one is about a boy from a foreign country. He comes to America from a refugee camp and noone can prounounce his name. He refuses to change it, proud of where he came from and finally gets a white t-shirt and draws the pictures of a sun and a soccer goal and tells everyone this is my name "Sun Goal" the sweet, courageous boy got me. And the way he used his voice and his courage to help educate was a story that i will pass on to my kids...

Alexandra, Gone (Having just moved home to my childhood stomping ground has stirred up emotions and thoughts i really had no idea where in my head and my heart. This is the story of a woman who discovers that her longtime childhood best friend with whom she had lost contact with had disappeared. She volunteers to help her friends husband look for her friend and the journey that she ends up taken is one noone could have predicted. Just telling you about it makes me want to read it again)

TOP FIVE FUNNIEST THINGS Isaiah HAs SAID...
"I'm gonna go to my new school and get me a new gullfriend (girlfriend). I'm gonna buy her gullfriend clothes and she is gonna like me" ~Isaiah

"Emmy told me that Michael Jackson died...she said he is an angel..will you take me to the angel store and buy me all the Michael Jackson clothes and hair.."

"If he hurts you, i will punch him in the face and kick him in the nuts"

"You are the awesomest mommy ever...your doing a good job"

"oh snap"
TOP FIVE THINGS I HATE....
Being misunderstood...or when people put words in my mouth

Having to clean my house

Rude drivers

Pouring a tall glass of milk and rasing it to my lips, ready to taste that smooth, cold liquid sliding down my throat....and then smelling the rank chunky-ness that i DO NOT want curdeling down my throat and having to throw it out...

missing trash day




i've had a great week as you can see. To be touched and to be able to appreciate all these things in my life is what makes me wake up in the morning and tell my higher power thank you. I am not ignorant to the fact that alot of people just go through the motions on living life. It's work, family responsibilites and keeping up with the image of having it all together. Constantly waiting for the next "break" they get or dreaming of the moment they can break away and do something "fun" and out of the ordinary from waht they normally get to do.They wont have a new song, a new book, a new friend that inspires them each and every week....and i honestly do. i am one blessed chick.

big rigs, tractors and giant jolly Uncles

Today is Monday.

it's a sad sort of meloncholy Monday so I guess that is sort of fitting dont you think? I mean, Wednesdays should be perky, Fridays should be downright beautiful outside and who cares what Saturday is like....cause it's Saturday and any kind of day is good for a Saturday.

so, back to Monday....

over the weekend my parents went to visit my Uncle Edsel. Now keep in mind that we (my family of mom,dad,brother and sister) have lived all alone in Arkansas worlds away from all the rest of our family in Kansas/Oklahoma for ALL of my life. So i have never been close to any of them. Couldnt tell you what they like, what they don't like. Don't have a clue what to buy them when they get married or graduate but i do love them just the same. They are my family after all. This has caused me some "not liking you too much mom and dad" moments and i will admit i did feel jipped, whole nother post...

Uncle Edsel.

the Uncle that was the stereotipical farmer. He always had on overalls, always what i would describe as jolly and honestly the sweetest man i have ever met. To this day, i have a black and white picture that hangs in my kitchen, it's an 8x10 of his old faithful tractor. and i love that picture. i remember his barns, and the big rig he drove and used to let me sit on his lap and honk the horn.

i loved that horn and being able to sit in that seat with him as people watched us power on behind the loud obnoxious noise. when little kids would sit in their cars and pump their arms up and down feverishly at the guy in the truck begging him to honk.the.horn.

he was the guy that always did.

so it's hard to hear my parents talk about how he can't do anything for himself. can't sit up, or shake your hand, or feed himself. This is the life of the those that give up. When you have battled as long as hard as he has (with replacement surgeries on body parts like hips and knees) and heart attacks and just plain sadness that your body doesnt do the things that it used to be able to do... i can accept that on some levels but on others i just can't. maybe because it is a reminder that someday i might be that same broken person.

i can only hope that he knows that he is loved. that he knows that he left a mark and he made a little girls day on more than one occasion. i hope he knows every time i see a tractor, or a big rig, or a big jolly guy with a huge smile and shining spirit....that i will think of my sweet Uncle Edsel....

random thoughts on where i am now

How do i explain the complexity that is my life?

When you are living with Bipolar disorder it is very hard to get someone NOT accustomed to the soaring highs and gut wrenching lows to understand or see the reasoning behind your actions and your choices.  We all have free will dont get me wrong, but for some of us, free will gets clouded and muddy and you find yourself in a sort of "that's not me"  existance.

Case in point, 2009

When i moved back home to Greenwood, i jokingly called myself Britney Spears. but i really meant it. It just seemed like for the previous year leading up to my move every decision i made was the wrong one, every situation i wanted to handle maturely and rationally i botched, lots of lying and drinking and denying.i wrecked a beautiful new car 24 hours after i got it, I got to be a guest of the sheriff for 7 days and have a blower in my car.
can we talk about how am i still paying for it now.

Getting my diagnosis was such a relief. Finally i had something to study. i could figure out what (and who) my triggers are and i could choose to live a healthier way. i want to stress that i conciously choose NOT to blame Bipolar Disorder for my poor choices and the heartbreak I caused. But it was a relief because now i know WHY i did the things i did. and i can take steps to not make those same mistakes in the future.

life is good right now. i must stress the right now because it is constantly changing.

School is great. i am in a wonderful English class "Children's Literature in a Pluralistic Society"
teacher is passionate and challenging, work is mostly writing and personal opinion (i have that in spades and very proudly have an A)
Working for my parents is odd. My brother works there as well so it is a family bonding experience at times (which can a good and a bad thing) i never saw myself joining the family business but right now it just makes sense.
Babies are doing amazing. They have blended in so easily and love being in the town where i grew up. Kaileigh is doing cross country and trying out for cheerleading (blugh, that one i have to get used to) Emory is in dance and softball, and Isaiah is fixing to start T-ball. we do church on Wednesdays and fill in the other days with as much as we can.

Don't get me wrong it's a constant struggle to not feel like i am a failure. i have a great best friend that reminds me on a daily basis that i am doing the best i can and that is all i can do. She tells me that we are not defined by the actions that we have made and that God really does know our hearts. i will probaly never fully realize the residual affects that my actions have made on my kids but i can only hope that they become a better person than i have been and that they know that i love them.

and i do. with my whole heart.

laundry never gets done, Emory's hair is always a mess, i have no time for dating (i dont date anyway so it's all good) but i would not trade it for anything. chaos and all.

Sisters

i am just gonna put it out there into the great wide unknown.

i am a big sister. that thought thrills me and i am so proud of my baby sisters. they are amazing. it hurts me to watch from far away(which respectfully i will continue to do) and i wish i knew them and more importantly...i wish they knew ME.

someday, and i will hold onto that hope. that someday

they will want to.....

Little man starts Preschool today

Little man started preschool today. It's a bitter sweet thing to see your child reaching milestones that you know they are ready for (but you rather wish time hadnt flown by so quickly)

When i woke him (from MY bed of course) his chocolate eyes got wide as he remembered "today is the day" He jumped up and asked me where his "first day of school" clothes were. I was shocked he did'nt ask for his Michael Jackson coat.

He had already informed me several times "i'm gonna find a new gullfriend and buy her gullfriend clothes and she will like me" i told him he needs to find new friends and yes they can be girls too and that they will like him because he is a special person.

Cornball mommy answer i know, but like i said, not liking the "i need to find a gullfriend" mentality. i thought i was his gullfriend...

insert pouty face.

He was so cute as he waited for "his buddy Papa", my dad wanted to go with us for his first day. Isnt his little backpack precious...

it's almost time to pick him up. I'm sure i will hear all kinds of stories about castles, jingly bell musical toys, oranges for lunch and friends both boys AND girls..

in two short days i will be back in a classroom myself but today this school day is all about my handsome little man

Strip Me

Guess it's Not Just Mommy's Turn to Go Back To School

i will admit. i am not cut out to be a stay at home mom.

i'm not! i would much rather pawn my kids off on someone else, skip training  how to  pee standing up, lose my chance to sleep whenever i feel like it.....
okay, so you get the point. i am a full time mommy, don't get me wrong.

but being a single full time mommy has it's disadvantages when one of those kids is not public shool aged. And it has been a journey for  both mommy and her prince.

So....very excited that on Monday, Isaiah will be starting preschool. I applied almost 4 months ago but the waiting list was apparently long.  I am almost as excited as he is (although that might change once he realizes he cant wear Michael Jackson clothes all day everyday anymore)

i do think the interaction kids get from each other encourages them to learn and try things (good and bad) that they wouldnt ordinarily be exposed to. and i like the routine and discipline that school environment brings..i know it has drawbacks for some, im just not one of those "someones"

lets just keep our fingers crossed there will be no biting or head lice or i may have to rethink this whole shindig...

hi ho hi ho it's back to school i go...

Today i went to lunch with two of my best girl friends, Amanda and Tracy. we celebrated our birthdays because they are all around this time of year. i had made Tracy a scrapbook and at her party a couple of weeks ago i had everyone there sign it. i didnt give it to her then, because i had included some Annie memories but that night was so emotional that i decided to wait to give it to her. Amanda got me a beautiful cross necklace with my birthstone in the middle and different color stones around it. who doesnt like getting gifts. i got to put some thought into what i am gonna get her, her birthday is not until the 24 so i have some time...

lunch was great. i still havnt decided what is better...roots or wings? but i am learning that i dont have to choose just one, i can learn to appreciate and use both...

Elaine came over and we  plotted planned our next caper (a friend from Jr. High is having a birthday party this Saturday and we are both going)

i am so lucky to have such great friends, true friends, that have known me all of my life...


No lie or half truth, this past year has been my hardest. Choices I have made and reactions to situations i found myself in made it harder and it's not completely over yet and won't be for some time.

But i am so happy to find myself back in school to finish my degree. i started this journey almost two years ago, and i had to put it on hold when i got myself into trouble in June...so it's been a long over 6 months of non-productivity for me. i admit i was not sure i had it in me TO finish or if circumstances would work out financially so that i could-BUT...it has

so next Thursday i will begin "Childrens Literature in a Pluralistic Society" very psyched because any kind of lit class is an easy task for me. So ready to get back to the papers, the reading, the discussion with an adult about something other than Michael Jackson and who's turn it is to do the dishes....

i also have decided to change my major. i will stay where i am long enough to bring up my GPA and get back on track with my financial aid then transfer from Fayetteville to a school closer to home and change my major to Creative Writing/Journalism.

you don't need a peice of paper to tell you that you are a writer you just are. and i am. i love the process of writing, need it, want to hone my craft.

this year is about realizing my potential. or at least attempting to find my happy place. Why go through all the sacrifice and hard work unless it is for something you really love. and this is what i really love.

 

Valentines Day

i have never been that girl that needs a man. Most of the time i am the girl that doesnt even want a man.

my daddy has spoiled me rotten for most of my life (hmmm maybe i can start blaming him for all of my life's failures)

just kidding. he is amazing.

so usually on this day that is all things love, i have never really been into it. could care less if i did have a "valentine" to share it with and if i did could care less what he got me (or "if" he got me something)

fast forward to today. All in all a good day. i have been sick with a cold (think it was that midnight cemetary visit last friday night) but that is beside the point. ive been sick. today i was not.

so that meant last minute gift buying for the dreamer, the diva and the prince. Along with the balloons that will deflate and candy they don't need....We had settled on crab legs, homemade chocolate covered strawberries, and making cards for each other...

when it comes down to it, it's not about how I feel about the holidays. it's about my babies. How they grow up and view these days are a reflection of how i raise them to view them. Taking advantage of a special day to tell someone you care about them has no direct relevance to how much you spend on them. It's about how you treat them.

i hope they grow up to treat each other with love and kindness and thoughtfulness...

so they were not the prettiest, but they were the yummiest (we used Ghiradelli mint chocolate)...i think that's how you spell that word.

The inside of the diva's card to me said "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I can't wait to hug and kiss you"...

I have this new thing for tulips..want to fill my front yard full of em. and not only did i buy some for myself today but my mom and dad brought me some too...

the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and let it come back in

~Morrie Schwartz

a hunting i must go (for a good bookstore that is)

             the story of a father whose daughter dies at 38 and he is left to care for her children..As parents we often wonder what would happen to our children if something should happen to us. i'm very excited to read (and i have no doubt cry) along as i read what sounds like a very emotional, heart warming tale.

The book follows a married couple and their close friends and family members as their chaotic relationship unfolds over the years. What draws me to the book is the description of the main couple. She is a homemaker characterised by her dry humor and biting wit (i feel a kinship) and her lawyer husband is stiff and likes all things environment. There is a rape, undiscovered dreams and of course a love triangle. It sounds realistic and clever and something i can relate to.

I started this trilogy and now am down to the third and final book. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Plays With Fire tell a tale of Lisbeth Salander. She being the hard nosed, tough, and enigmatic girl that noone understands and most people fear. i resisted reading the books but kept hearing about them so during the snow storm i said what the heck. The library didnt have the third one (Hornet's Nest) so i am on a mission once we thaw out to find it.

snow day part deux

fter visiting family in Boston in the middle of a snowstorm,  i can say i finally get the concept of a snow days...

not that we dont get the occasional one around here..

today being one of them. so what do you do when you are snowed in and school has no hope of opening back up for awhile and your kids are driving you nuts behaving so nicely?

you take them out to freeze and possibly get pnemonia

SLEDding

in this case we used an old water ski disc that i found somewhere last year and an old fashioned sled that my dad had up in the attic.

four adults (me, T, Nik and Benny) and 9 kids (Kai,Ree, Ike, Laynee, Lucas, Peyton, Jeremiah, Braxton and Stephanie) piled up in our cars and we descended upon Bell Park

                         Isaiah is all ready to go. Oversized sunglasses and mismatched gloves and all

me and Kai

of course little mama is taking care of "her" baby

hold on tight little brother

NIki and Braxton (with Kaileigh and Stephanie in the back having a snow ball fight)

me and Nik...this girl has been my friend since we were 17

Niki's first time on a sled

a little bumpier than she thought....

the pansies kids had to get into the car to warm up

Trisha, me and Niki (Bell Park)

this is the park that we used to come to in high school. it has seen many hookups, breakups, school skipping, donut driving, tears cried and laughs. very neat to be bringing my kids here now to make memories of their own

Braxton got a little too big for his britches with the snowball throwing so Benny had to show him what was up

we have MANY pictures like this. us in the front, town in the back

Benny, T, Jeremiah and Peyton

by the way the kids slept last night they had a lot of fun releasing some energy. i must admit the adults in the group did too. Getting together with the people you love is really important i think. This is the stuff my kids will remember. Me actively participating in their childhood.

i will admit though, at 5 o'clock when the school called to let me know that class had been canceled for tommorrow as well i had a smh moment....

let me end this post now, i need to look back on my pictures from Boston and remind myself that it could be worse....this too shall thaw