How do i explain the complexity that is my life?
When you are living with Bipolar disorder it is very hard to get someone NOT accustomed to the soaring highs and gut wrenching lows to understand or see the reasoning behind your actions and your choices. We all have free will dont get me wrong, but for some of us, free will gets clouded and muddy and you find yourself in a sort of "that's not me" existance.
Case in point, 2009
When i moved back home to Greenwood, i jokingly called myself Britney Spears. but i really meant it. It just seemed like for the previous year leading up to my move every decision i made was the wrong one, every situation i wanted to handle maturely and rationally i botched, lots of lying and drinking and denying.i wrecked a beautiful new car 24 hours after i got it, I got to be a guest of the sheriff for 7 days and have a blower in my car.
can we talk about how am i still paying for it now.
Getting my diagnosis was such a relief. Finally i had something to study. i could figure out what (and who) my triggers are and i could choose to live a healthier way. i want to stress that i conciously choose NOT to blame Bipolar Disorder for my poor choices and the heartbreak I caused. But it was a relief because now i know WHY i did the things i did. and i can take steps to not make those same mistakes in the future.
life is good right now. i must stress the right now because it is constantly changing.
School is great. i am in a wonderful English class "Children's Literature in a Pluralistic Society"
teacher is passionate and challenging, work is mostly writing and personal opinion (i have that in spades and very proudly have an A)
Working for my parents is odd. My brother works there as well so it is a family bonding experience at times (which can a good and a bad thing) i never saw myself joining the family business but right now it just makes sense.
Babies are doing amazing. They have blended in so easily and love being in the town where i grew up. Kaileigh is doing cross country and trying out for cheerleading (blugh, that one i have to get used to) Emory is in dance and softball, and Isaiah is fixing to start T-ball. we do church on Wednesdays and fill in the other days with as much as we can.
Don't get me wrong it's a constant struggle to not feel like i am a failure. i have a great best friend that reminds me on a daily basis that i am doing the best i can and that is all i can do. She tells me that we are not defined by the actions that we have made and that God really does know our hearts. i will probaly never fully realize the residual affects that my actions have made on my kids but i can only hope that they become a better person than i have been and that they know that i love them.
and i do. with my whole heart.
laundry never gets done, Emory's hair is always a mess, i have no time for dating (i dont date anyway so it's all good) but i would not trade it for anything. chaos and all.
When you are living with Bipolar disorder it is very hard to get someone NOT accustomed to the soaring highs and gut wrenching lows to understand or see the reasoning behind your actions and your choices. We all have free will dont get me wrong, but for some of us, free will gets clouded and muddy and you find yourself in a sort of "that's not me" existance.
Case in point, 2009
When i moved back home to Greenwood, i jokingly called myself Britney Spears. but i really meant it. It just seemed like for the previous year leading up to my move every decision i made was the wrong one, every situation i wanted to handle maturely and rationally i botched, lots of lying and drinking and denying.i wrecked a beautiful new car 24 hours after i got it, I got to be a guest of the sheriff for 7 days and have a blower in my car.
can we talk about how am i still paying for it now.
Getting my diagnosis was such a relief. Finally i had something to study. i could figure out what (and who) my triggers are and i could choose to live a healthier way. i want to stress that i conciously choose NOT to blame Bipolar Disorder for my poor choices and the heartbreak I caused. But it was a relief because now i know WHY i did the things i did. and i can take steps to not make those same mistakes in the future.
life is good right now. i must stress the right now because it is constantly changing.
School is great. i am in a wonderful English class "Children's Literature in a Pluralistic Society"
teacher is passionate and challenging, work is mostly writing and personal opinion (i have that in spades and very proudly have an A)
Working for my parents is odd. My brother works there as well so it is a family bonding experience at times (which can a good and a bad thing) i never saw myself joining the family business but right now it just makes sense.
Babies are doing amazing. They have blended in so easily and love being in the town where i grew up. Kaileigh is doing cross country and trying out for cheerleading (blugh, that one i have to get used to) Emory is in dance and softball, and Isaiah is fixing to start T-ball. we do church on Wednesdays and fill in the other days with as much as we can.
Don't get me wrong it's a constant struggle to not feel like i am a failure. i have a great best friend that reminds me on a daily basis that i am doing the best i can and that is all i can do. She tells me that we are not defined by the actions that we have made and that God really does know our hearts. i will probaly never fully realize the residual affects that my actions have made on my kids but i can only hope that they become a better person than i have been and that they know that i love them.
and i do. with my whole heart.
laundry never gets done, Emory's hair is always a mess, i have no time for dating (i dont date anyway so it's all good) but i would not trade it for anything. chaos and all.
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