a night out with me and my humans

So tonight, all newly single and all i decided to forgo an invite to check out the UFC fight and i braved the lonely night.....with my kids.

which i had forgotten how un-lonely that could be. funny thing about getting all caught up in new (maybe not real) puppy love that makes you forget oh say- YOUR BRAIN.

anyhoo. date night with my humans went well (albeit a tad chaotic)

while eating yummy chips and salsa and waiting on my enchiladas Emory said how excited she is to be sitting next to the Mexican people. Then she starts talking about how she could not "for the life of her" convince Saide that she (Emory) is white.....

psssssss...over here. HAVE YOU SEEN EMORY??? Here are some pics of her and her sister and she is wellll.....being Emory. explaination enough

need I say anything more on this? maybe not but I will. We have this really cool blended family. My humans and I. Not to say that at sometimes awkward times i need to break out the red and yellow black and white song...tonight being one of those said times. I try to not get too caught up in the whole thing and just let her feel how she feels unapologetically......but come on. can we do this NOT in public just for once.

Then there was the conversation that started with Kaileigh telling me how frustrated she gets when "little fifth graders" pass her in the hall and tell her she is cute and does she want to be their girlfriend. She is in sixth grade and that is soooooo beneath her. She said to me so calmly and put off "i just dont want a boyfriend" so then in turn Emory jumps in her seat screaming "i want a boyfriend" which in turn Isaiah jumps in his (and my) seat screaming even louder " I WANT A BOYFRIEND"

HIS DADDY WOULD BE SO PROUD. and i am feeling like i am doing SUCH a super job as a mommy....

so then we decide to go bowling. let me break that down for you.

THREE KIDS+ONE MOMMY=

i think the pics say it better. but i will say this about myself. NOONE CAN TELL ME I AM NOT BRAVE

as you can see. Isaiah is beyond capable of even walking on his own, if put down he takes off running down the lanes, my hair is mess makeup gone and Kaileigh is obviously tired as well. Emory was bribed with Starburst so she is good.

but you know what, would not trade a second of it. chaos and all. even the doing it alone part. me and my humans are good. (i am even better now that they are asleep and i am pouring myself a glass of wine)...

night yall.

cloudy with a chance of rain...

I have often wondered who you are (you,reading my blog). I have wondered what your motives are for following along as i attempt to process all that is thrown in my path? and do you get anything out of my musings?

I will admit lately I am stumbling along waiting to get it all figured out. I have held on for so long to the ideas that I am a victim and innocent at that. That I was unwanted and easily replaced and that I did not really fit it anywhere. Just call me bitter, resentful with a side of whining.....

it just has to stop now. and as hard as it is to wrap my head around change (as much as I love it) the only way it can stop is through me.

okay, so that was the easy part. saying it. now how do I go about doing it?

now would be a good time for those big girl panties....

okay, I can't take on quite THAT much but you get my point.....

I recently went to Hobby Lobby and while browsing for more junk I don't need   priceless treasures I found a small plaque that reads;

"life is just a place to grow a soul"

I wish there was a place you could go to order one of those. ummm....i'd like to be honest, kind,compassionate, funny and witty with a side of healthy sarcasm, mellow, strong, wise, inquisitive, giving, a good listener with a little reflection..... and could I get a side of fries hold the salt with that please.

okay, so it doesnt work that way I know, but as I look over that list of traits I see that while I don't posess ALL of those things I can claim some of them.

Really all you can do is learn to be comfortable in your own skin. That what I have to give not be accepted by everyone but by shutting out the people that are there to recieve I am not being "careful" I am being ignorant. And by holding on to things that I cannot change I am not being "cautious" I am playing a role. the v word. and I am not a victim.

this kind of started with a message from someone who had read my blog and it made me just start to think about who all really does read my blog and what they might take away from it. More than anything I just want to be the kind of girl that is known as a good and loving mommy, someone who lives life as it comes and learns along the way, someone who is better than she was before and only gets better.....

i need a new layout...HELP??!!

 I have really been struggling with the whole blog background issue. I have changed so many times, half of the time i have no idea what i left it looking like

i know, not acceptable.

so now, as i sit here listening to Emory sing along with Justin Beiber (eyeroll) i am just inspired STUCK

I had a really nifty little background. cute really. but like all things Wendy. i got bored. so i erased it.

ummmm. why did i not wait until i had a new one designed. gasp....

polka dots, stripes, shabby chic or retro funk? ugh.

so what do you think? and since my usual lady is super busy right now and i really want one pronto do you know of any good bloggy designers miracle workers...

hugs and such,

Feb recap although it's not March

shhhh! Don't tell but I had a birthday (my 32nd) the shhh part is that I have been 22 years old for about ten years and I am really thinkin I am pulling it off well.

Well, until my kids get involved and tell how old I am.

you can't win em all or so i've been told.....

This year all i really wanted was a Tano. I could not decide on a color. Do i go brown and basic so I can carry it all the time? Do i go bold orange or yellow so that the world notices my ultra hip handbag??

I let Ryan pick and I will say he did pretty good. So I am the overly petty, borderline superficial owner of a Tano. Now I just have to make sure it does not get wet, soiled by the bag of french fries that stays perched by it on my front seat, gotta make sure no pens are left uncapped or anyone breaths on it wrong.

you know, all the important things to be thinking about in life.

on a more serious note...

life in MY world has taken a few more turns for me this month. school is great (i am in a writing class which is a no brainer for me, except we are learning APA writing style and blah blah blah blah) so it is taking brains. Kids are good. Work is so-so right now. National (where I have been working) filied chapter 11 and the lay offs started. Since i was low on the todem poll i got let go. I have never been laid off so I will admit i was devestated. But after the unemployment kicked in and i am actually making more than i was and i get to sleep in. it's not so bad. But today i got a job offer......so i guess we will see.

Ryan and I are on again, off again (today being off again) i really dont know what to say about that so i usually just don't say much at all. I hate being conflicted and i hate being in limbo. It's so much easier just to be single sometimes. at least then you KNOW what is going on.

I am finalizing my divorce soon. On March 28 it'll be a year. of course going through so many emotions right now. I really dont know what i will think knowing it's over and final. Up until now i think i just went through the motions of learning to live single again. I think i knew it was going to get hard at some point but i just assumed i was handeling it good.so many things i would like to be doing differently. Where does the motivation come from?

but i will survive. that is what i do. i have three reasons that i know this to be true.

and in the end....despite age, income, love life and uncertainty....do i really need anything more than them???

For the love of Tuesday

This is a picture of my newest unecessary online purchase. The one where you are just haphazardly browsing and see this blog that makes you stop breathing and combined with other events that don't really hit you at the time, but all of a sudden catch up with you when added with a story like this one...you just go.

and you buy this pendant with a simple word. a day of the week really.

but in reality is a name. of a baby. that lived and breathed. and has a mommy and a daddy and a family that prayed every day that the mean illness that ultimately took her life would grant them some mercy and let their precious little angel live....that simple word somehow means a little more.

over a year ago i started bloggin about a little fighter that was fighting cancer. And to see her HUGE eyes and abundant smile you could not help but fall in  love with her. You can go read about her yourself here and i did. right off the bat. At the time i was going through a hard time, but hearing her story made me stop and pray to my God and say "thank you" . it made me kiss my kids a little hard and reminded me to shut up when i wanted to complain about my self enduced problems that in the grand scheme of life mean nothing,

The pendant is only about ten bucks. and i can wear it often and tell her story when people ask me "who Tuesday is"

that's not even a tank of gas

or 4 days of buying Dr.Pepper before you head to work

or even worse two Starbucks coffees while late on the way to work

it's not a week worth of school lunches

or a weeks worth of cable, or your cell phone bill

really, what is ten bucks? when its doing something in the name of a cause bigger and better than yourself???

just saying.

really glad i could do a small thing

in the name of a bigger purpose

"I'll have the crap"

So, it is my 22  (i wish) 32nd birthday and as is tradition my kids and i went to Red Lobster. we do it everyyear, my birthday present to myself. Isaiah wanted to sit by Emmy BooBoo (his name for his sister "Emory Brewer") and he wanted to "be big boy" so he was. The waiter (bless his heart) was patient with us and finally we were ready to order. Emory ordered her favorite lobster. Isaiah said clearly and calmly "i wanna have CRAP" i just smiled (letting him be "big boy") the waiter looked at him again and then at me. Isaiah said again "i wanna have CRAP"

i guess Emory was sick of the waiter looking at her precious baby brother like he was a moron and with an eyeroll she said "He'll have the crab"

After ordering the "CRAP" this is what he ended up eating.......which, is pretty much crap. yummy crap...but still crap.

My 2010 birthday pic

Overall the day was wonderful. i had sooo many birthday wishes i felt really recognized (which is phenomenal. i'm vain like that) i spent the day having sushi with Syard (much needed soul session, sometimes we get so caught up in co-parenting Emory that i forget what a truly remarkable friend she is) then it was to the Goodwill store. Guess i am going to volunteer there and at the local library to give me something to do during my layoff. Makes me feel less of a bum and more like a productive citizen.

Got my taxes done and to my suprise am getting much more than what i ever imagined so i am going to plan a trip. well, two trips. one for the kids and ONE FOR ME....where should i go?

Got to run home really quick and get a few smooches in with Ryan. He has MMA training tonight so i knew i wouldnt really get to see him much. but it's okay big birthday party is Saturday and i am VERY excited about getting to see everyone. Very excited to show him off.

it's a very good place to be right now.

this place of ME

Emory oh Emory

This kid really makes me laugh (and pull my hair out) here are some clips that show why....

stay home snow day (part two)

Okay, so being the glutten for punishment (and frostbite) that i am, i spent the day with the kids (and a few more that were not mine) sledding. Ryan and his brother (Sean) and sister- in- law (Kelli) and both of our sets of three kids (that is SIX total kids) piled in the cars and we headed for a winter wonderland (actually it was a slushy sand packed mess but i can pretend right)
Kaileigh of course was NOT wearing her brand new DC tennis shoes that she begged for and cost way too much money, and Emory did NOT insist on bringing her a cabbage patch doll (which of course Isaiah had to bring one two) throw in that it was naptime and i have a kidney stone. Definately one of those mastercard commercials where it says this plus this equals priceless...

well, so it was not that bad but anyhoo...here are some of what my day included

not sure this is legal, but we made it there eventually                          who needs a sled, just run down the hill

opps! who put that tree there?                                     Ryan "helping" Isaiah                                                        

it's all good now!          very patiently waiting her turn for the sled  tupperware

no, mommy does not do tupperware sleds                           but Emory and Ashton sure do!

yes! it is Arkansas and all, but an air mattress as a sled....come on now!

still not going on the tupperware or air mattress sleds...        Isaiah found a use for the lid...it's a snowball shield

partners in crime (Sarah and Kaileigh)                                 and they did finally get me on a REAL sled...

my handsome little prince..with his cabbage patch doll               a doll of my own.....Ryan and me



So overall the day was fun. Hopefully something the kids can look back on with fondness (cause they are out of school again tommorrow and i will NOT be in such a good memory making mood when it hits around 3pm and they have cabin fever!!!!!)

stay home snow day

it snowed here in Arkansas! The kind of glorious white fluffy stuff that covers my mostly dead grass and makes it all peaceful and pretty. The kind of event that closes school, makes you break out scarves and gloves and snow boots, layer up clothing and set out the hot chocolate ready to be made after a cold day playing

when you really have a million other things to do.

Little man was sooo excited to run after Ree to play in the snow. That is until his jeans got snow in the whole in his knee (after about 5 min) and he said "i cold" he then ran back inside to claim his seat on the back of the couch looking out the front window where he was our number one fan (as long as he could cheer from inside where it is warm) i worry about him sometimes. 

not Ree though! She is the girl that her extremities will get all blue and her scarf will have the ice balls hanging from it. you know, the ones that were snow but melted and then re-froze she has been outside that long. After she was done with her creation (whose eyes include jar lids and whose nose is THE BIGGEST carrot you have ever seen that she dug out of the ground herself) she looked back at it as she was walking inside and replied "well, that is the weirdest snow man I have ever made"

out of the mouths of babes

and of course after all that hard work, and after being cooped up in the house for what seemed like a million years (which it has been according to snowed in days) we went to out to eat. At this particular all you can eat buffet i was informed by Ree that THIS WAS ALL SHE COULD EAT....

and what stay- home- day would be complete with out mommy walking in to HER room after dishes, laundry and picking up "stuff" all ove the house to find two dead weight bodies in her nice big comfy bed?? and of course you cant rouse them (altough i bed if i told them the cookies were done i would see an automatic rise and shine)

i know one thing,,,momma aint sleeping on the twin tonight!!

It is what it is...part i lost count

i have always had the unfortunate lot in life to be the "it's not fair girl" the one that has thing after thing happen to her, always has an excuse and a reason why it's not. my. fault.

it gets tiring, it really does. but i hold on and drag out.and milk it.

i should have been a spanish speaking soap star. would have won whatever their eqivalent to an emmy is. or at least a nod on Perez.com (i really am that good)

so anyway, i am learning to let go. well, scratch that. trying to learn how to let go.

let go.... that i was adopted. its not cause something was wrong with me.i was not abandoned. i was given a great wonderful family that in spite of my drama LOVES me and puts up with me.

let go....that M does not have all the answers. if it's meant to be it'll come out in due time. never really thought i'd find her and in time i did. not on MY time but IN time

let go....that some people will not like me. they dont have to and i cant make them. i am and have done some not so great things and usually the reasons they dont like me are valid. so i will embrace the people that DO like me and stop obsessing over the opinions i cant change.

let go...that i have three kids and that i am not in a traditional family unit. my kids are amazing. they are gorgous and funny and growing up to be so much more than i ever dreamed they would be. they are healthy and they love me (till their teenage years anyway) i am not perfect but who is? all i can do is go day by day and do the best that i can. i have put people in their lives that hopefully will pick up the wholes that i cant fill.

let go...that i dont have enough money,time,or motivation to be supermom. trust me you would not want to eat off my floor i am a horrible cleaner and if you ride in my car something might be growing under your seat, but i know now that i can be a really good mom who loves her kids (and herself) and i can be okay with that.

let go...of my past. enough said.

none of this is a new revelation i can say, but maybe if i say it loud and often where i know it is in my heart will seep out and reside also in my head (or at least that drama queen part of me that starts crap all the time)...

a girl can put it on her to-do list right???

Happy

someone once told me that you have to choose

                                       what you win or lose

                                 you cant have everything

                          dont you take chances you might feel the pain

                                  dont you love in vain, cause love wont set you free

                                     i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by

                                                so unhappy but safe as could be

                                                                           CHORUS

                                                                    so what if it hurts me

                                                                  so what if i break down

                                       so what if this world just throws me off the edge

                                                                my feet run out of ground

                                                                     i gotta find my place

                                                                     i wanna hear my sound

                                                 dont care about other pain infront of me

                                                           cause im just tryna be happy, yea

 

                                                            holding on tightly just cant let it go

                                                                   just tryna play my roll

                                               slowly diasappear, oooh well all these tears

                                                                they feel like theyre the same

                                                      just different faces, different names

                                                                        get me outta here

                                        well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by

                                                           so any turns that i cant see

                                                         ill count a stranger on this road

                                                              but don’t say victim

                                                                dont say anythng

                                                                    CHORUS

                                                              so what if it hurts me

                                                            so what if i break down

                         so what if this world just throws me off the edge

                                                          my feet run out of ground

                                                                i gotta find my place

                                                               i wanna hear my sound

                                                 dont care about all the pain infront of me

                                                           cause im just tryna be happy

                                                                  just wanna be happy

my heart, my humor, my light