4.) Describe a moment where your child lost part of her childhood
As I've already mentioned several times this month is Suicide Prevention month, and Leon's birthday month so when I read the prompts my first thought was on the day (or actually two days) Leon died.
It was 2AM on the last night in November and Emory was wrapped up in my arms crying uncontrollably. Her pet sugar glider (Harley) had just been found floating in the toilet and she was devastated. When the phone rang I had no idea of who it could be, so imagine my surprise when I looked down and saw that it was Kaileigh's Nana. Something told me it was serious so I slipped out of bed and went into the hallway to take the call. Nana could hardly talk she was crying so hard and she said "Leon is brain dead" and I dropped the phone. I remember screaming "hold on, hold on, i dropped the phone" as I scrambled to pick it up.
I dropped to my knees and held onto the wall for support as I listened to her explain that Leon had shot himself in the head and she kept saying over and over, "we have to tell Kaileigh but I don't know how to say it"
Somehow (I credit the grace of God) I managed the strength to stop shaking, stand up and calmly tell Nana that I would explain it to Kaileigh and that we were on our way to Sparks Hospital. I stopped at Kaileigh's door and took three deep breaths and said "NO NO NO". I knew that this was the last innocent, carefree moment my fourteen year old daughter would ever have. I woke Kaileigh up by climbing into bed with her and mimicking the scenario I had just had with my nine year old I held Kaileigh.... unsure about how she was going to take the news I was about to tell her.
"Kaileigh, wake up honey I have to talk to you"...I told her that no matter what happens I love her and we will get through this. and I just held her. Kaileigh told me I was scaring her and so I took another deep breath and said "we don't have a lot of time and I need you to be strong and we can freak out later" and then I said the most awful sentence I have ever uttered. I said "your dad was shot in the head and is at the hospital and we don't know what is going to happen next but we have to get there quick so throw on some clothes and lets go"
breathe Wendy breathe
She was in shock and didn't really say much as we both scurried to throw on clothes.The car ride there was the longest 20 minutes of my life. Kaileigh screamed a few times and cried in between. Then she said so seriously, "if he doesn't die I'm gonna kill him myself" and with that inappropriate joke we looked at each other and cracked a smile, lightening the mood and somehow letting both of us know that we were gonna get through this. Together.
We made it to Sparks and as we got out of the car on that cold early morning I felt a chill in my bones that had nothing to do with the weather. Kaileigh and I interlocked our hands and did not let go until we made it in to the Emergency Room entrance.
I asked the receptionist where Leon Hamilton was and she told me he had just been moved up to the Intensive Care wing and that the family was there waiting for us. That elevator ride up was a blur, neither one of us knowing what to say to the other. I kept saying "I Love You" over and over, I needed her to know that.
Stepping off of the elevator was surreal. Hugging everyone and listening to them all repeat their version of events...Nana, Papa Lee, Aunt Kari, Janet and Janet's parents were all pacing the floor while the nursing staff got Leon ready for us to see him.I honestly don't remember what all was said.
Then the nurse on duty told us we could see him. She asked if this was Kaileigh as she motioned with her head to my daughter and I said yes, and I am mom.
I have always been in awe and amazement of those brave souls that can choose to have a career such as nursing. This angel of a lady stood by my daughter's side the whole time Leon was there. She explained what was happening and what was going to happen, answered questions and prepared me for what this was gonna end up looking like, so that I could turn around and prepare Kaileigh for it. She took me to the side and said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it and you need to force her to deal with this as it is happening. Write down everything any names, times, procedures he has done. all of it. Someday she is going to need you to fill in the blanks and don't think that because it's all so important in your mind now that you are going to remember it later. Because you won't".
I'm exhausted already and the next couple of days are gonna be more of the same...my sweet friend I lost two years ago to breast cancer has a birthday on Saturday (it's our third year to have dinner with her sweet mama Ms. Joicie) and Leon's birthday is on Thursday... I'm expecting lots of tears...
and I'm sure I will come back and finish the story there is still a whole lot more to it then this post..
until then,,,
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