The hours after we got there were a blur and I honestly can't tell you exactly a timeline for what happened or what all was said. I remember how thick the air was, how cold the ICU room was and how the breathe got knocked out of me seeing him for the first time.
We walked into the room and I looked at Kaileigh before I looked at him. She had what I can only feel like was fear in her eyes and I swear I could hear her little heart break in two. He had vent tubes in his mouth, other IV lines and tubes everywhere else and his head was bandaged up with white gauze covering up what used to be a head full of bouncy gorgeous curls. It's funny the things you remember. Like out of that description I remember the New Years Eve we spent the night at his parents house. Nana made lots of food and we watched movies and he let his little sister Kari and me put makeup on him and put his curls in ribbons and braids.
Jolted back to the room by the beeping of machines, Kaileigh talked to him. Sweetly, lovingly, then angry and confused she sounded more like the parent than the child (which is usually the case with her) I won't go into every single detail because let's face it, it's so very personal and raw still. I think the hardest thing to wrap your brain around is that he did it to himself. It's hard to believe and it's hard to forgive and it's hard to move on. Not sure if his daughter has done any of that yet....and it's scary as a parent to know how to help facilitate that painful thing that has to occur in order for her to start healing.
At around 7AM a Catholic priest was called in. Leon's last rites were read and we really were counting the minutes, unsure if this was going to be the last one. The morning was spent making phone calls, screaming at people to take RIP and inappropriate messages off of facebook, and trying to stay in the background yet be there for Kaileigh at the same time. Leon and I had not been a couple for the better part of 10 years but I still love him. Even now. and I hate him. Even now. We had finally gotten to a good place. We talked on the phone often and we did things with Kaileigh together (which we had not been able to do until the last couple of years) He was actually trying to be in her life even if it was in his own Leon way (which I know she carries guilt over now because she has gotten so busy many times she could't go visit him when he asked) In some ways I felt like an intruder. His mom was there, his sisters and daughter and dad and Janet. Who was I to be there? Who was I to get to be in the room and come and go and more importantly why? I am sure there were so many more people that were closer and felt more entitled than I was. So let me tell you why. I have the ONLY and BEST thing Leon did. and we did that together. Kaileigh was his pride and his joy and in the end (and I know I have said it before and I will prob say it again) I promised to love her for the both of us. Like I promised her the day she was born. So I had just as much right as anyone else to be there. I owed that to Kaileigh and to Leon to stay (when it would have been much easier to lay in bed in a ball or drink myself stupid till I was numb)
Towards the late afternoon I told myself that I was gonna let him go. That I was not going to have false hope. All day I talked nonstop to the doctors and the nurses and asked question after question and wrote it all down so that I could explain it to her some day (and we have not had that talk yet, we really have not talked about it at all come to think of it) And several times I took her into the little room reserved for families and told her to brace herself. To make sure she told him everything she wanted to say to his flesh and bone body because she might not get a chance to later and talking to a stone is not the same thing. And I stand by my doing that. Harsh yes, healing, even stronger yes. I was chastised in the room for "giving up hope" and for listening to the head nurse (who had been in ICU for over 20 years) cause "she's not a doctor what does she know". We heard over and over how many lives Leon had, how he had come back from so many things that would have killed anyone else. I remember thinking, but this time it wasn't something else that did this to him, he did it to himself. It hurts so much to think that, to type it. and knowing that no one will ever get an answer to the one question everyone asks...why
People brought food (my mom, who never really liked Leon due to our high school shenanigans and getting me pregnant out of wedlock etc. etc and the list goes on and on) brought cinnamon rolls from Calico County. My amazing sister JaLana came from Little Rock with my niece Jessica and took us to eat (the first time we dared leave) All throughout the day my Lindas stayed in the waiting room and when I needed came into the room with me. Trisha, Nikki, Jackie and Michelle and even Heather sat with me. They all loved Leon but they came for me. and for Kaileigh. Leon's dad worked for Tyson and someone from the Corporate Office where Papa Lee worked brought dinner for everyone and we ate right there in the waiting room we had taken over. Friends came and went and each time Kaileigh would feel like she had to prepare each new person. She would take their hand as we walked towards the room and say in a grownup sweet voice, "now, I just want you to know he is gonna look scary but he is resting. His head in bandaged and he has tubes everywhere but he can still hear you so talk to him okay"
Ever the adult stuck in a child's body, she has the gift of compassion and nurturing.
My friend Jackie laughs when she tells the story of the time that first day that it was just me and her in the room and I leaned down and said through tears "Leon wake up, I am gonna kiss your cheek to make you mad so if you want to slap me you have to get up to do it." then I said "Who am I gonna blame everything on now" she says it was funny...but not funny
Around 8Pm it was time for shift change. Everyone had started to pack up their things, his family had already left to go back to NWA for the night exhausted and preparing for another long day in ICU. Kaileigh did not want to leave and she certainly did not want to leave with me (and I could not imagine how we were going to get through that night) So I talked to Janet and her mother and they agreed that Kaileigh could go home with them.The nurse had said that if one of us wanted to stay with him we could even though it was against ICU rules (which I know now was because she did not expect him to make it through the night) so I promised Kaileigh that I would not leave him alone so that it how it came to be that I stayed with him that night.
I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I wasn't sure exactly how I ended up being the one to spend what turned out to be the last night of Leon's life with him and I remember apologizing to him for that.The last thing I wanted to be was disrespectful, but I told Kaileigh he would not be alone and I think even more than that I felt like I owed it to him to not leave him. So I did not leave (which I am sure pissed off family members but the reality is I was the one that stayed when everyone else left) I remember saying to Jackie (who stayed with me) I felt weird being his ex and all, But hey, if it pissed him off enough to wake him up it was worth it right?
me and my inappropriate sense of humor!!!
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