but of course I made it mostly about me..opps!
my birthday is coming up in a couple of days. Next to Christmas I absolutely adore this day. Maybe that means i am self centered who knows. It's not so much about gifts (i am both spoiled and wanting for nothing ever other day of the year so truly it's not about what i get) i think it has to do with the fact that being adopted has defined me most of my life. It was always on my mind front and center and i just always figured this was the ONE day that she would be thinking of me...kindof sucks to know that was not the case but that is a whole other therapy session...
Birthdays past have always been a day of reflection and wonder for me.
~ Wonder if my birth mother was thinking about me?
~Wonder if the next year would bring me as much emotion, evolution, passion as the previous year never failed to bring.
~Wonder at how i got here and how do i get to that place that i have spent so many birthdays trying to find..
still trying to find it.
This year i have so much to be thankful for. A cute new house in my hometown full of friends that knew me back before things got so complicated. Three babies that are busy and beautiful and healthy. Parents that have been amazing in every sense of the words long before i could appreciate them.
i have blood family in my life for the first time. i have an aunt who adores me, patient and understanding we talk for hours and i never tire of those times..
a mimi i am finally getting to know. she tells me stories from my mother's childhood and i laugh and marvel at her strength and the amount of pride she has in her children and grandchildren
,,,, and i have a cousin who i don't know how i lived without and can't imagine going without. i have my eyes that look back at me and my "crazy" that makes sense now. i have hope for all the memories yet to be made and the promise of help in the journey to make all this make sense... i have stories about my heritage and love that fills me overflowing.
yes there is a sadness that tugs at my heart.
sadness that my relationship with my mother is non-existant. sorrow that we are not on the same page and the hurt that it causes both of us outweighs the need to be together. hurt that i will never find my birth father and all that does go along with that. shame that i am the mistake that causes someone else to feel the way she feels and determined to not let that take away from my sense of worth any longer...it is what it is right.
So as you can see my mind is spinning. But as my therapist says i should do, i am learning to "feel the burn" to not numb it with self medication of some sort. The good i feel, the bad i process, all the while trying to slow it down so that i enjoy the journey and learn from the process..
Before i have my birthday every year i celebrate the birthday of my sweet friend Tracy. This year we had to celebrate without Anne (the first of many things we reluctantly do without her) here are some pictures of a great night with my great girls
Suprise Trace!
Greenwood girls..i've known all these girls since i was a junior in high school (won't tell you how long ago that was but trust me it was not just a couple of years ago)
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