Anatomy of a Lucky Girl

I have a confession. Since Ryan and I split I have put my addictive personality into working out. I just need to be doing something with all this emotion that I feel. The build up that comes from a love unrequited and the knowledge that I was just a pit stop for him....churns and churns in my stomach. I have to release that build up of hurt somehow. And running around the track umpteen times and taking it out on a pair of weights and repeated sets of lunges just seems such the right thing to be doing. Set that to the soundtrack of my life (as stored on my ipod) just feels.....liberating. Like my skinny girl self that I have somehow been neglecting as of late is the one pounding on my stomach.

As I was sweating to the goodies I glanced at myself in the mirror...Gray Nikes, Black workout pants that fit a little too snug, white sports bra and mint green shirt (okay, showing a little too much booby for me, but it's not a personal choice, you got to work with what you were given) I thought about what I was seeing...

LET'S START WITH THE FEET,The ones that really are just trying to walk day by day in a path that will one day lead me to a more peaceful stable place than I am right now. I would not ask you to know how to walk in my shoes I just want you to not try to shove shoes on my feet that don't fit. I change my outfits quite often and I just hope that the people that I love know that eventually I will find one that fits. Some are a better look on me than others, but love me despite the shoes I wear. and know that I am just walking in them day by day...

THESE ARE THE KNEES, I fall to them often. They are bruised and over used. I know that when I can't stand I have to kneel. My God is a good and forgiving God who loves me and is there when I talk to him...I notice my knees mainly as a reminder TO MYSELF...that I don't talk to him enough.

HERE MY ATTENTION TURNS TO MY BUM, Thinking of all the people that I need to tell to kiss it. I can't please everyone and I really have said my piece to all that I need to and to hang on to the negative and unhealthy is just adding pounds to the unwanted weight. It is time to move on and shape up...


THESE ARE THE ARMS, That held him...and ache for him...but instead of trying to fill them up with some random guy I choose to fill them up with my babies. When it all comes down to it my greatest source of joy and accomplishment has been my children. That has to be my focus right now, and my arms are more than filled by them. I don't have a reason to be so achey...(except for this BodyPump class that is kicking my tail)

THESE ARE THE SHOULDERS, Trying to carry all this weight. Being a single mommy of three very active, very special babies..Trying to get through school so I can get a real job making real money, working through a very tough breakup with a boy that by all accounts is so very wrong for me but in reality was just what I needed, Feeling bad because I can't be what M needs me to be and I really dont want to try anymore, Loving my family and appreciating the support and amazing love they give me, trying to be sober and present and living the best life I can.....

THIS IS THE NECK, That misses his kiss, his breath hot on my skin. Knowing that someday....oh please someday I will feel that passion and butterflies again. Right now I have to learn to hold it high. Steadfast in the knowledge that I am trying to be a good person and an even better mommy...And it helps that I learned how to apply the spray tan that makes my long neck look a little less sickly... was that shallow or what???

THESE ARE THE EYES that right now are a little red and irritated and raw. Not so much from crying (which I have not done much of lately) but from allergies. I want them to be clearer, sharper, brighter, shinier. I want to have honest and caring and compassionate eyes. Eyes that make my babies feel safe and comforted and loved...

THIS IS THE BRAIN, that thinks too hard. over-reacts too quickly, reminds herself of the bad. The one that constantly reminds herself she has been called a mistake and told she is too much of ....fill in the blanks.
I pray for the mercy of being able to shut it off. I long for the whatever it is that allows other people to seperate the crap from the way I think. I dream of the ability to KNOW what is reality and what is the un=necessary drama that I bring on myself.

HERE ARE THE LIPS, that used to kiss him but now make it a practice to kiss my babies instead. The lips that try so hard not to speak in anger and hatred and immaturity. Sometimes I can't always follow the advice of wise lips knowing how to hold their words....but I want to. does that count?


So as I am sweating and telling myself not to stop with the weight bar, the lunges, the squats...I am seeing the improvement. I lost 4 pounds this week alone. and while that is not a signifigant amount it is something. it's a start....and I just have to keep it up.. and it reminds me that I am work in progress. and together with the people that are most important to me, I know that I will continue to see improvement.