Death, broken, divorce, birth, lost, acceptance, theraputic, betrayal, violation,violence,stolen,grief,abandonment,void,empty,lonely,love,happiness,fulfillment,involuntary,mental illness, disease, pain, over indulgence, found, dreams, knowledge
I have found that one of the most healing things for me is to cry. I am the sap that cries when someone wins a car on the price is right, I am just that happy for that random stranger I have no connection to. I cry when I am touched by a happy story and I am devastated when someone hurts me. But I have realized lately that “those” people don’t hurt me, I hurt them. The tears I cry are most of the time my tortured attempt at convincing myself that someone somehow have wronged me. And really it’s me that is wrong. My way of thinking, the way I handle what I perceive as rejection. It’s not healthy and each time I promise myself that I won’t make the same mistakes I do it all over again. And I promise myself that I won’t be jaded but I am. I am a cynical person desperately wanting to be positive. It’s so easy to realize what’s wrong but how the hell do you fix it? How do you change it and be different, better, whole, healthy? Sometimes I think that I let myself be so embattled with myself because it allows me to be reminded that I am alive. That I am never stuck in one place that would be my worst nightmare. Mediocrity. Katy Perry sings me to sleep each night. Her new song not yet released is called “Pearl” and the words ring in my ears
.. She was a hurricane, but now she’s just a gust of wind. She used to set the sails of a thousand ships was a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, she used to be a pearl. She used to rule the world. Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself. Cause she used to be a pearl. She was unstoppable. moved fast just like an avalanche but now she’s stuck in cement. Do you know that there’s a way out? YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE HELD DOWN. Cause I used to be a shell. Yeah I let him rule my world. But I will come and grew strong and I can still go on and no one can take my pearl. You don’t have to be a shell you’re the one that rules your world. You are strong and you’ll learn that you can still go on and you’ll always be a pearl. She is unstoppable
I want to be a pearl again. I know that the ability to shine is there in me. I know that I have to figure out how to forgive myself and to let go of all of the regret I harbor. I Have to believe in me again. Have to get up off the floor and just get it figured out. Baby steps are not so easy for me; I know it won’t happen overnight. First thing I am trying to learn is patience. I was definitely not blessed with that virtue and that and the grace to accept that some things I can’t control and the plan God has for me is not gonna just magically make sense all the time. And who am I to think that God has to explain it in the first place? I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end…
It’s a very scary thought to think of my children. To know that one day they will grow up and what will be the price for them having me for a mother. I hug them till they tell me I’m holding on too tight. I kiss them till they remind me that I just kissed them five minutes ago. I tell them every day that their lives are gonna be as good or as bad as they make it and I pray so hard that if they take one thing away from my chaos and complication that they know they are wonderful just the way they choose to be and that above all they are loved
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