Halloween 2011

In my zest to re-acquaint myself with my favorite forgotten bloggy haunts (okay, cornball I know but it's that time of year, I could not resist) I can't believe all that I did NOT do this year. Now don't get me wrong. We made spiders out of suckers (black pipe cleaners wrapped around the big fat suckers with the tootsie roll in the middle of it topped off with two googly eyes) for the diva's class party. We  went to our town pumpkin patch, we did carve a pumpkin and put clingy black cats, spiders and pumpkins on the windows and black spider webs over the door. We did the whole Fall carnival and trick or treat thing too and this year we got to go with my parents. But I just wasnt into it like I should have been. So I have now armed myself with all sorts of ideas so that next year will be different. Most of my ideas I found here.

which can be found if you go here     I have found SO many nifty ideas and tips, if you get a second go check it out...

This idea  on how to make a homemade skeleton made out of paper plates is adoreable... My kids are forever cutting up this magazine and that piece of mail so how shocked will they be when I actually give them plates to make art out of..it's genius

While I'm thinking of the kids no Halloween would be complete without the carving of the pumpkin. Every year we wing it and our pumpkins truly are scary looking but not for the reasons my eager children are hoping for..So next year I plan to have some kind of idea  for templates ready and sure to please. I picked traditional themes, although I added one that my the diva and the prince especially will be "thrilled" to have sitting on our porch, and while I would love to take credit for it that idea I can't...

(Michael Jackson Thriller pumpkin)

and then I scrolled down and a lightbulb went off in my mind. Being the creative mommy that I am, and having never missed a class party, I'm always on the look out for ways to impress the other mommy's provide cute, new holiday party fun for my kids at school. How fun does this idea look... It's fortune candy's with a cute fortune for the unwrapper.

I do feel bad, I have been a very bad neighbor this year and while that is no excuse next year I will not disappoint.. I found this cute version of the "you've been boo'd" concept so I decided to include this idea on here as well. You can never be too prepared and I might as well have all my ideas in one place.

Good thing my favorite holiday is Christmas, I am gonna need a few months to recover from all of this. It is making me tired just thinking about it. Good thing I have a whole year to prepare...

A race for Kaileigh..and one more for mommy

I cannot tell a lie. Lately I have been feeling that my life is going like this

I fall behind on things like laundry, and unpacking (yes, 2 months later I am still doing that..), and then I get caught up and I realize I have'nt filled out this paper or turned in that one. So I play catch up in school (both mine and the babies) and then I realize I have not done laundry in four days and Emory has not been brushing her teeth and Isaiah is not sleeping in his bed consistently which makes me not sleep good cause let's face it, who can sleep with a knee in your back or a leg drapped over your shoulder....

exhale.

This weekend was no exception. I try really hard on my weekends that I have the babies to spend quality time with them, and make it all about them. Not saying I always reach that goal, but it is the one I am aiming for. This weekend was the dreamer's last cross country meet. Let me tell you, I was worried about her. She went through t-ball, soccer, guitar, basketball, choir, you name it. Never really finding something that sparked any interest. So when she told me she wanted to run I will admit I paid her little attention. I told her that she would have to show me she was into it, and then she would have to prove that she could stay into it. And she really has. She ran really hard all season and each race she has consistently gotten better and stronger as a runner...

Still can't believe I am back to sporting the navy blue and big G again. After high school if you would have told me I would be back here....I would never have believed it.

Team Kaileigh

Very proud of my runner..

So after the race we did a little running of our own. I don't know if I have mentioned it or not but my four year old is obsessed with Michael "Shackshon" as he calls Michael Jackson. Now don't get me wrong some of his stuff is pretty chill. I am a fan. But not a big enough fan that my kids would beg EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. to watch video after video on youtube till they know every tick,gesture,and high pitched "chum-on"

so when I say we had to run around today I am referencing the mad dash to find a red jacket to complete little man's Halloween costume. Ree already had her "Thriller" werewolf outfit..now all we needed was Michael Isaiah Jackson (as he introduced himself to everyone while Trick or Treating. this is what we ended up with.

So as you can see momma ended up getting major cool points for the perfect Michael moments. I am so glad its over now though, even though he will be wearing that costume for the next six months (he better, as much as I paid for it) it was worth it. I really do heart my babies...

Happy Halloween yall!

Dear (insert any of the guys I have dated over the past year)

I have been accused of not living in reality more than once. I have been accused of seeing things how I want them to be instead of how they really are.

 I do this thing in romantic relationships where I dream too big, ask for more than he can give...
and then sit there with my hands on my head, asking myself why it didnt work out??

I am absolutely in love with the new song "Dear John"  (and in extension Taylor Swift)
and I am most over the moon to find out that it's not just me.

not just me that believes in a man, who really doesnt deserve it, because he should have told me from the beginning that he didnt want it.
not just me that refuses to be jaded or careful or hold back and feel regret...

I put it out there and let myself feel what I feel, am I smart to do that? maybe not.
am I free because I allow myself to do that? most assuredly

and yes, I will experience hurt and i will experience rejection and yes,,,,i will sometimes get it wrong

but I also believe that someday, he will come along

and I will get it right...

As the saying goes.....

Peace

"When we are present in each moment, the past gently rolls up


behind us and the future slowly unravels before us."

- Rev Richard Levy

Love

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."


--Robert Heinlein

Happiness

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lamat

In a Perfect World

All of things I would have to go through, to get to where I am going would not be quite so painful, not be as public, lessons learned the first time...

Alot of the things I say would be thought through, other people's feelings would be taken into account, and words would not be used as a weapon to cut but rather to encourage...

Many of the moments that I forget to be thankful for would not be dismissed, I would accept that I derserve them, I will cherish them for the briefness that they are and the richness they bring to my life...

Some of the people that I have written off I will give a second chance and they will prove me wrong. I know that even in a perfect world there has to be some sort of imperfection in order for me to validate the reasoning behind the idea of perfect. I don't expect to nor do I wish to be everything to everyone but I want to be something someone, and I know that I am. So in my perfect world sorry would be easy to say and even easier to accept. We would move on and move forward....

I don't think that any of this is unreasonable for me to attain....so maybe my world is close to perfect,  as close to perfect that an imperfect girl can make it....

Little man

I am extremely blessed for the men that are in my life. My dad has always been superman, and the as far as boys go, the love of my life is my little man.

Don't get me wrong, the diva and the dreamer are stunners too, but his baby browns melt me everytime (even at almost midnight when he should be in bed)... 

starts with goodbye

There are some situations in your life that you really want to go differently
fights you wished you never had, words you wished you never said
Conversations you never thought you'd have
emails that break your heart....
You really want the fairytale to come true
Reality and what you've dreamt up in your head all these years dont always meet seam to seam
the patchwork quilt of your life doesnt always form that beautiful pattern you imagined while working so hard on it all these years

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,


I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna break me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

Starts with goodbye,

The only way you try to find,

Moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye,

OR.......
Do you scrap it? or do you set it aside for a later time when you figure out where the kinks are?

Being the hopeless romantic I am make it almost impossible for me to give up, walk away, think that this is the way it has to be for all of time. all bad thoughts aside I refuse to give up on you.....ever.








.

Kaileigh has entered the bloggy world...

http://kaileighshay-smileitsgoodforyou.blogspot.com/

I know that my mom and dad would frown upon this. They think I give the kid too much freedom as it is, but I don't think of it as freedom away from me. I think of it as the freedom to fly. I let her use her wings and don't try to clip them.

I am so very proud of this kid. She is the best of me. Strong, Independant, Individual and Out of the Ordinary, She knows what she likes and doesnt care if you approve. She is respectful and kind and cares if she hurts people's feelings. She knows she can be her own person and that she is valued for that. She finishes my sentences and knows my heart. In so many ways she has parented me.

I got pregnant at 18 with Kaileigh. EVERYONE said I should give her up, I had been such a "success" adoption story that I should just jump on the first chance to have my life back.. right? . I dont think that even I understood at the time but my life really started on August 7, 1997 when this amazing thing happened to me. And I dont look back with regret or with shame. I did it whole heart and knowing adoption sucks and was not an option. and she is good and kind and amazing...

and now she gets to write to you, and you can see what I get to see everyday....

this is what happens when you dont give up and walk away. When you stick it out and know that God doesnt give you more than you can handle. sometimes you just have to believe..

one of my greatest accomplishments......
.

breathe, smile, repeat

Took a breathe, said it's okay to forgive myself...
This helped

Breast Cancer Awareness and how much I loathe it...

Dont get me wrong I know how important early detection is. My mom had it, battled a radical mastectomy and we never ever saw it slow her down. My mom is and always has been superwoman like that. As much as we are different she is so much stronger and wiser than me. She did all this and raised us, loved us, protected us from her illness (honestly we did not even know until it was over she did not want us to worry) she worked full time and was at every sporting event, school concert and parent teacher conference NEVER one time complaining or making excuses. Kind of makes me feel bad for missing someone who never even knew when my birthday was and she gave birth to me...just saying. my bad!

so I am not a stranger to the importance of giving the girls a feel. I know early detection can save your life.

I also know that I hate all the posts. I hate all the pink. I hate that my friend is not here to post all this on her own. And to illustrate how much I am in awe of her and my mom I have a pink tattoo on my wrist...let me repeat...ON MY WRIST. pink. which I have never worn EVER. i even dressed my girls in green or yellow or hell, even blue...NEVER pink. hate the color. but yet i have it tattooed on my body.

I am on the bottom. The pink is for the breast cancer, the orange is for the leukemia from the cancer that ultimately decided that heaven needed her more than we did....

I wish you were here Annie. I wish that I had been there and not so wrapped in my own petty crap and I wish that this lesson was not so final for me. let me stop, this is not about me. it's about you. and although I hate the posts, the reminders, all the things that tell me you are not here anymore I will do it...cause I know you can't...

I love you Annie Noodle girl..

Annie is the hottie in the hideous plaid shirt with the jean color that i hated...top right hand corner hand on my shoulder. My first Greenwood friend. LOVE that girl.....

I love you Annie Girl

Rest in Peace my sweet girl


Current mood: indescribable

She had this long blonde hair I was instantly jealous of. An attitude that says mess with me or my friends and I will kick your rear end. Her house was the meeting place everymorning of everyday of school while I went to Greenwood and she was the first to talk to me, accept me, love me. And I was the awkward kid that sat in the bathroom the first pep ralley and cried cause I had never been to a new school and had the same friends till tenth grade.. This chick was so cool, so fun to be around. AND SHE PICKED ME TO BE HER FRIEND... Okay so she did wear those ridiculous brown loafer things with the tassels on and I did laugh my butt off when she fell down the hill on the way to the dinner bell but I loved her all the same. She was my Annnie Noodle girl and I was her dune bug.

The death of a friend is never easy. Its not something that they prepare you for and even though you know it is imminent (she had been sick awhile) even after it happens it just leaves you saying what just happened.

how the heck is it fair that my very vibrant not even 35 year old friend battled cancer 3 times and then had to go through leukemia until it was just too much for her to fight anymore. How is it fair that she never got to have kids, or go through menopause okay, so maybe that last one is a blessing but it just is not fair. but i guess sometimes life is not fair.

i will tell you what it has done. it has made me contact people I put on the backburner and it has made me tell the people that have always been there that i love the hell out of them. It truly is too short that we are here, and you should not wait until you have your heart broken at the loss of someone really special to you to get it through your thick head.

I love you Annnie.........Rest in peace finally oh yeah, and I have Mazzy Star...

no reason at all...

Its 11am and I am sitting upright in my bed, green fuzzy robe on slippers close by should I need to venture out of my cozy spot onto my hardwood floor. The strains of The Last Kiss singing ‘Paperweight’ softly wrap my smallest sleeping human in a deep and angelic sleep. Have I even mentioned how I adore naptime (his and mine). My stuffy nose tells me it is almost time to turn off the AC and open the windows, although that will also entail dusting off the old allergy medicine and trusty inhaler (I don’t heart allergies, or asthma).


I did venture outside a bit ago to get the paper. The breeze that blew across my face still adjusting to the brightness of the morning sun was such a much needed relief from the customary scorching wretched heat I have become almost tolerant of. I say almost because I still find myself saying at least once that I hate to sweat (well, in most cases I hate it but that is not G rated or on topic) pardon me as I digress. It’s always amusing to me the things that make or break my mood. This morning I decided to go inside and make my first home brewed pot of coffee (yes, sadly, I am a Starbucks whore) but the Chocolate Swirl with Vanilla Carmel Creamer was so yummy I almost felt like I was cheating on my White Chocolate Mocha. I did say almost didn’t I?

This day is going to be a good one. Because I have proven several things to myself. That I can get out of bed for no reason other than it’s the healthy normal thing to do, even if I am sad and lost. That doing things like being homeroom mom and helping with homework do not take away from being Wendy and those mundane tasks also do not define me or make me less exciting. They make me a mommy and I am okay with that. I can be both.

I also have proven that I can post a boring not doing much but enjoying my life post that is not a bitter diatribe about the wrongs of the world. Not sure if its cause my meds are working and my Bipolar is granting me some solace or if I am just slowly removing my head out of my ass. I’d like to think it’s the later…one can hope. Happy Thursday 

i want to complain...but i cant

It's a trampoline night for me. If you dont know what that is, it's when the babies have been fed, homework done and are in bed (or at least pretending to be long enough so that i can sneak away and lay on my trampoline and process)
Tonight was a hard night for me not to drink. i really wanted to. but I have to stop that self medicating crap and just {"feel the burn"} as my therapist says. so i am feeling it extra stinging tonight.
Let me focus on the good though and just end this post with ten good things that happened today

1. The title came in on my wrecked car so my new car will be here on friday
2. I was able to pay my rent.
3. Kaileigh told me she had a good day and was not mad at me for one single reason (and she is a teenager so that says alot)
4. Emory told me she made some new friends on the bus. big deal for a second grader starting a new school
5. I apologized for something I really did not do but in the sake of keeping the peace did it anyway. It was not well recieved and the old me would be defensive but I am learning you can only do what you can do.
6. Discovered some awesome new music that wants to make me get out of the bed and act like a human being..always a good thing
7. Told one of my best friends that I love them.
8. Did not drink even though i wanted to
9. Did homework with my kids, and found out I get to be homeroom mom for Ree (which i promise you will be a complaint post at a later date but right now it is a positive thing to focus on)
10. Woke up to a little prince that rubbed my cheek and said goodmorning sunshine. your the best mommy in the whole wide world.....

can i say blessed in any more ways than those ten....

did nt think so

pearl

27 names for tears


Death, broken, divorce, birth, lost, acceptance, theraputic, betrayal, violation,violence,stolen,grief,abandonment,void,empty,lonely,love,happiness,fulfillment,involuntary,mental illness, disease, pain, over indulgence, found, dreams, knowledge





I have found that one of the most healing things for me is to cry. I am the sap that cries when someone wins a car on the price is right, I am just that happy for that random stranger I have no connection to. I cry when I am touched by a happy story and I am devastated when someone hurts me. But I have realized lately that “those” people don’t hurt me, I hurt them. The tears I cry are most of the time my tortured attempt at convincing myself that someone somehow have wronged me. And really it’s me that is wrong. My way of thinking, the way I handle what I perceive as rejection. It’s not healthy and each time I promise myself that I won’t make the same mistakes I do it all over again. And I promise myself that I won’t be jaded but I am. I am a cynical person desperately wanting to be positive. It’s so easy to realize what’s wrong but how the hell do you fix it? How do you change it and be different, better, whole, healthy? Sometimes I think that I let myself be so embattled with myself because it allows me to be reminded that I am alive. That I am never stuck in one place that would be my worst nightmare. Mediocrity. Katy Perry sings me to sleep each night. Her new song not yet released is called “Pearl” and the words ring in my ears

.. She was a hurricane, but now she’s just a gust of wind. She used to set the sails of a thousand ships was a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, she used to be a pearl. She used to rule the world. Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself. Cause she used to be a pearl. She was unstoppable. moved fast just like an avalanche but now she’s stuck in cement. Do you know that there’s a way out? YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE HELD DOWN. Cause I used to be a shell. Yeah I let him rule my world. But I will come and grew strong and I can still go on and no one can take my pearl. You don’t have to be a shell you’re the one that rules your world. You are strong and you’ll learn that you can still go on and you’ll always be a pearl. She is unstoppable

I want to be a pearl again. I know that the ability to shine is there in me. I know that I have to figure out how to forgive myself and to let go of all of the regret I harbor. I Have to believe in me again. Have to get up off the floor and just get it figured out. Baby steps are not so easy for me; I know it won’t happen overnight. First thing I am trying to learn is patience. I was definitely not blessed with that virtue and that and the grace to accept that some things I can’t control and the plan God has for me is not gonna just magically make sense all the time. And who am I to think that God has to explain it in the first place? I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end…

It’s a very scary thought to think of my children. To know that one day they will grow up and what will be the price for them having me for a mother. I hug them till they tell me I’m holding on too tight. I kiss them till they remind me that I just kissed them five minutes ago. I tell them every day that their lives are gonna be as good or as bad as they make it and I pray so hard that if they take one thing away from my chaos and complication that they know they are wonderful just the way they choose to be and that above all they are loved

Did you Forget?

I am notoriously famous for taking things and twisting their meaning around...Take for example this song. It is a love song, but it had different meaning for me.
I find that as time goes by my heart softens.
I will NEVER truly be able to explain my feelings for YOU.
and I will never truly be able to verbalize my intense feelings of loss and sadness
about the way this thing is at this point in our lives.
I can only hope that you read these words and process them in your own way
I just hope that the way you choose to do it is not hurtful or stings my heart...

and then there was this...

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart."



— Nicholas Sparks

it's been awhile

I decided to take a break for awhile. Not sure when or if I will ever fully return to something that once was so fulfilling and theraputic for me...I just know that even I did not want to read my blog posts after awhile so why should you?

Coming to terms with my Bipolar Disorder has meant coming to terms with some very ugly truths about myself. Something that is not easy to do.

When you have spent so much of your time asking why and what it, and justifying and just plain staying hurt you don't have alot of healing going on.

So I that is what I am doing. or trying to. heal.
not numbing it from what's in a bottle, not pretending to forget in a bar, but just getting through today. feeling the burn and all.

The Ultimate Indulgence

I am going to pause my "as of late" seemingly unending posts chock full of angst and turmoil and post on something I honestly love.

Have I told you that I love UFC. (if you ask me if that is wrestling i might just cuss you) I'm sure it says something of my character that I am obsessed with such a brutal and barbaric sport. But really all the reasons I love it are centered around the very valid fact that it is NOT brutal and barbaric.

I constantly find myself defending the love I have for following this underestimated and vastly misunderstood event. To me anyway, I am so enamored and impressed by the ability of one individual to train, and study their opposing fighter's nuances and technique, and then discipline himself to use nothing but his mind to outwit the other individual. Because I mean really, all sports are about overpowering,outwiting, BEATING, the other team right? Football, Baseball, Basketball...the do require talent and practice yes. But for me Ultimate fighting is so much more intense and personal. There is no team to hide behind or other player to fall back on. It's you and only you and even the smallest mistake could cost you your title. I have seen young men,old men, skinny mean, fat mean, most hated and overall fan favorite lose...or even more exciting is watching the underdog win. I don't know. can't explain it. it's just exciting and thrilling for me and I am hooked...

My favorites are random and ecclectic. I can usually pick a winner in the first 60 seconds of the fight (if it lasts that long) and really my only major turn off is a bad attitude. I can appreciate confidence but not cockiness..Here are some of my favs.

CAIN VELASQUEZ

LYOTO MACHIDA

MATT HUGHES (MY SECOND ALL TIME FAVORITE)

THIAGO SILVA

DAN HARDY (MY NEWEST LIKE)

HERB DEAN (MY FAVORITE REF)

I EVEN LIKE DANA WHITE (UFC PRESIDENT)

THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE THAT DON'T STOMACH DANA VERY MUCH. THEY CALL HIM COCKY AND ARROGANT AND YES, IN SOME WAYS HE IS BUT HE HAS BUILT UP THIS SPORT FROM LITTLE RULES AND NO EXPOSURE TO BEING SANCTIONED AND RESPECTED WITH A FAN BASE GROWING IN RECORD NUMBERS..I LIKE HIM FOR REASONS LIKE THIS

AND THEN THERE IS THIS MAN......MY ALL TIME FAV

RANDY COUTURE...SIGH

So, guess after having said all that I have to say that I just wish more people had an open mind and not be so dismissive. If people think that this is any more brutal than any of the sporting events like basketball or football games I don't even really try to persuade them otherwise. It is just something I enjoy and find impressive..and now I am gonna go enjoy my DVR full of fights....

I'm Fearless.....

If that's the way you love... You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends...And I'm alright within
Your never going to see me cry

Cause I've cried

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love out on the street

I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless


If this is how it hurts it couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall
Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss

We learn to build another wall.......

Till it falls


So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me that's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street

I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless


If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved
And if I end up lonely

At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love



Go on, go on break my heart
I'll be okay

I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

Fearless,..