Always-Sometimes-Never



This is a fun post that I didnt get around to doing last week so I am gonna do it now... The idea came from 
here, and here, and one more.....here.  This one is work edition...here we go

~always~

Have Pandora playing somewhere (either on my phone or my computer) i hate silence, much to the chagrin of the lady in the office next to me. Me being bipolar she might be subjected to Marilyn Monroe show tunes or Marilyn Manson slasher songs...poor tolerant JoAnn

Get excited when it is office supply ordering day. There is nothing like the smell of white out or making those squiggles on a scratch piece of paper so that your brand new Sharpie pen will work and don't get me started on how I feel about the way the stamp holder looks when you only have a few stamps left. You can't just leave the empty paper hanging and if you rip it too close to the end of the roll it wont be a roll anymore it just sort of curls up there sad and ugly looking

Have some article laying around that does not belong on my desk (exhibit A..sons swim goggles from last week that i am just too lazy to take home so swamped at work that i just dont have the time to put them in my bag. I do need to remember to take his homework home though he might need that)

~sometimes~

I can see the top of my desk..not this day, but sometimes I can see it

(SEE ABOVE PICTURE FOR ILLUSTRATION OF MY POINT)

Pretend that I have been here...or that I will be here someday. This hangs on my wall (with approved tape so as to not make the paint peel) and I may or may not have posted this on my boyfriends facebook wall a time or three to remind him...lest he forget

I have been known to scream out random cuss words if I lose a round at Song Pop. Our patients prob think someone working in the back has tourettes but nope, sadly, it's just me...( think I am reigning champ in the Ultimate 90"s and Love Songs categories)

~never

Have my filing caught up on..I hate filing and I'd rather go out into the clinic and collect urine samples (well, maybe not urine samples but I am sure there is something I could have more fun doing than filing)

Thought I would be labeled the toilet paper nazi but it is a title I inherited from my predecessor. The cleaning lady steals our toilet paper therefore it stays locked up in my  office and she has to come and ask me for rolls each time we get low...

Someone Actually Got a Smile Out of Him

The BF really hates pictures. He loathes them. It's almost like dealing with a 14 yr old girl the way he picks apart how he looks, what he is wearing, his weight, you name it.

So when I suggested we go get pictures made (in his uniform which is absolutely a huge turn on in my book) I thought I would get a big loud hell no. I got an eyeroll and a very timid ok.

So I ran with that!!! Originally I had planned on it being him and the kids but the post on his ex wife is a whole seperate topic...cut to the chase no babies, just us.

and here is a couple of the finished product..not only did I get him there in his uniform. I got a smile or two :)

I heart my soldier!!!

the wheels on the bus

Is it the first day of school already??

Over You

Today is a meloncholy one for me. I never know what is going to trigger it or how it's going to manifest itself, but Last night The Linda's and I (and I will have to blog on who the Linda's are another time) started texting back and forth about the upcoming anniversay of the day we lost our friend to cancer two years ago. It reminded me of another little guy that touched my life and the five years it's been since he has been in heaven as well. and then of course my thoughts turned to Leon. How it's only been 8 months but at times it feels like 8 seconds and others its 8 years.

Does time really heal all wounds?

Tonight my bestest partner in laughs and I are going to see Miranda Lambert. While I love her and I do mean LOVE her (Gunpowder and Lead is my go to she-woman song) she also sings a song that always brings me to my knees.

When Leon died of course all the songs we used to play over and over in high school ran throuh my head. Our first song, the songs we danced to at prom, the song we played at graduation and the song that was on the radio the day he pulled over in the First National Bank parking lot to ask me to marry him (he had just bought the ring and was so excited he had to give it to me right then and there in the middle of one of his Mazzio's Pizza deliveries) young love is so powerful and even as the passing of years and the fighting and bitterness set in there is something about sharing so much history with someone that for someone like me a song brings it all back like none of the bad happened. 16 years ago I never saw the time when I would be sitting on my bed and hear this song and lose it. The song talks about December (Leon died December 1) and I heard the song for the first time in Feb (which is also in the song)  I never thought something like this would pertain to me. And I never thought my heart would rebreak each and every time I hear our 15 yr old daughter singing it in the shower crying for a whole different kind of heartbreak....

"it really sinks in, you know, when i see it....in stone"

Always-Sometimes-Never

While stalking reading this super cute blog I follow I stumbled upon something fun I wanted to try....It's called Always Sometimes Never, and I could bore you with the explanation but your a smart crew just keep reading you'll get the gist.......

Walmart Visa Cards

 ALWAYS-make sure the person loading the card has an IQ above your five your old

SOMETIMES- you need to have a cold beer before calling the helpline for actual help (or an English speaking/understanding operator)

NEVER- try to use a card with an expired date

GRADE SCHOOL ORIENTATIONS

ALWAYS-make sure your iphone is charged so you have something to do when the first time parent next to you starts asking asinine questions

SOMETIMES - it's a good idea to have a glass of wine before you go so you can get through the redundant episode

NEVER-bring small children. I mean it. if you get nothing out of this post please take my advice. Just because we are parents we don't want to listen to your brat super sweet bundle of joy screaming or breaking classroom toys that our tax dollars will have to replace...*true story

ANTHONY

ALWAYS- am so proud of him when he puts on his army uniform. I never saw myself as an army family but now that I am in one it's all camo and black and gold for us. 

SOMETIMES- I think we are in competition to be the next Duggar family. we have SEVEN count them SEVEN kids between us...

NEVER- will I get used to the smell of his gas. It doesn't matter what I cook it's always nauseous and I always have to ask if he needs to be seen by a doctor for any stomach ailments..

THE BABIES

ALWAYS- I have to say their names in order like a song so I won't forget or leave one out. It's like the 50 states or names of the president or the spelling of Mississippi. if you can just spout it off without thinking your a rockstar...me? I'm more like a roadie

SOMETIMES- I wonder why one or both of us didnt run like hell when we realized how many kids we have between us

NEVER- would I trade or wish away a single one of them. KAILEIGH, EMORY, AYDEN, ISAIAH, EMMA BAILEY AND AJ are our world and each one of them bring something that completes our family.

Now she can sing Taylor Swift"s "15 and mean it

OH MY! I'm not sure where the other 14 years went but my baby is a freshmen. August 7, 1997 this is what I came home with

Very proud of the young lady she is growing up to be, and the things she is dealing with and doing it with grace and strength. Don't get me wrong, we fight in a way that is not healthy and probably should be reported to the proper authorities...But that is what you get when you have a mother and daughter who have had to grow up together (except she's moving at a faster pace than I am)

I wasn't sure how this year would go. Last year she celebrated her birthday with most of her family at the lake and this year it's just been me. Leon has been gone 8 months and this was just one of the many things he will miss out on. I didn't want her to not acknowledge how she feels missing him but I wanted her day to be special and about her and not about him being gone. So we did cry a few tears but we had more laughs and hugs then tears. I am grateful for the amazing family I have and the friends that have stepped up and surrounded her with love. I am constantly asked how I do it and I just reply I don't do anything but love my daughter...which I do with all my heart... I think she overall had a good birthday week (cause we celebrated with not one but two cakes...)

Home Sweet Bloggy Home

It's been a busy couple of weeks in my world. I started back to work for a non-profit medical clinic that provides care to people with little or no insurance. I'm in donor relations and fundraising which is what I really enjoy doing. There is something to be said for "working" in a field where your worth is measured by how much good you can do for someone else.
It's selfish of me really but I think I get more out of my job than our patients do (although I am sure they would not agree). Our clinic is in an older part of town directly across from a place that hands out free meals for breakfast and lunch and it's heartbreaking to see so many people lined up in advance for what is prob their only meal of the day. I've seen this same lady spread out a sheet and catch a few winks on our lawn under a tree more than once.. It puts it into perspective how petty and blessed I truly am, and tugs at my heart on a daily basis. Add to the mix that our clinic is a faith based ministry so I am surrounded at all times by a calming force and a loving hand.
I find myself praying more often  now and talking to God. I've never been what you would call "church y" but I do think of myself as a religious person. I think right now if you found my "goals for myself" list at the top would be to try and be a better example.
It's also back to school time and orientation is tonight for Isaiah to start kindergarten..Emory starts fourth grade and Kaileigh being a freshmen is almost more than I can wrap my head around... Over the weekend we bought school supplies and new clothes. The kids excitement is palpable and it reminds me of that time a hundred years ago that I couldn't stop re-organizing my glue and pencils and erasers so they would fit in my wooden school supply box. I won't even post on the ridiculous items the teachers are making parents buy now...... 
I'm gonna enjoy 8:30 bedtimes again :)

I also got to see my most favorite band play on Saturday. If you tried to describe the Velcro Pygmies based on their team of hair, makeup and stylist it'd be Bon Jovi"s hair people meets the makeup artist used by Poison dressed by the person that helps Cyndi Lauper pick out clothes...It's quite a sight actually. But the songs they cover are fantastic (from Poison to Al Green followed by Prince and ending with Space Cowboy), hardly anyone stays in their seat.. and I am just a sucker for live bands. Cherry on top was the great friends I got to see and then go home to a very sweet face...GREAT weekend!!

It's taken me awhile to get back to blogging. I'm not sure what I was afraid of but it's really been painless...I created a new blog and thought I was gonna start all over and it was gonna be freeing.. But I couldn't figure out wordpress template designs and then nothing would show up even on my computer so I just said stuff it.....and here I am once again right back where I started out... home sweet bloggy home

Has It Really Been 20 Days???

I must say that I am water logged this days. Slower, muted, numb these days.

It almost makes it harder that Kaileigh is handling this so much more silent than I am. I am not by any means saying that is better. At least I am getting it out, sometimes she scares me. But she does grieve and she does talk and she does want to cry. She just can't yet. and since there is no handbook on this I just have to sit in the background and love her. and just be here.

I honestly have NO concept of what my child is thinking, feeling, needing right now. All I know is that she is not alone and I love her.

If you know me at all you know that I live my life through my relationships. Good and bad they do drive how I feel, think, act. This one has been tough for me to lose because it was so life changing for me. And it continues to change my life to this day. The fact that I always thought in the back of my mind that it would one day be great. He'd be a great dad and we would be great friends.....His death exhausted that possibility and for me that loss is what I mourn...

Those last two days with him were a blur. But I cling to them like I havent lived hundreds of days before him and I can't imagine living hundreds more with him not annoying me somehow, somewhere... I keep telling myself loss is loss. He wasnt THE love of my life, but he was a love OF my life and I want to honor that. and cherish it...all those years of all that other crap really in the end isnt important.

I'm sure in some way I could be doing more for Kaileigh. I'm sure that I'm doing something wrong. But that is a whole nother post.

20 days.....really??

What a difference a week makes...

i wasnt sure how to tackle this one so it's taken me a few days to get my thoughts together.

a week ago today my precious daughter Kaileigh and i sat in the hospital ICU @ Sparks holding her daddy's hand and trying to wrap our heads around how someone could put a bullet hole in their own head.

yea, wish i was making that one up.

and let me tell ya, a week later i still don't know if i got that one figured out.

Suicide has always been stuff of bad lifetime movies for me. That cliche "how could someone be so selfish" question and other such nonsense. When it happens to you, it's incomprehensible. people looking at me with sad "dont know what to say" puppy dog eyes, and that feeling of wanting to throw up but instead having to explain what happened and don't even get me started on pretending to "get back to normal"

Leon was my high school sweetheart. I'd had a few loves before him but nothing even remotely like him. We had Kaileigh when we were 19 and the years that followed were rocky and sometimes a little hairy but for 16 years this man has been in my life.

and now he isnt.

Kaileigh is a trooper. She returned to school and so far everyone has been really supportive of her. I'm not sure what the days ahead are going to look like for us, but we will get through it.

Showing my Dark Side.....and then the side that is not so dark

I just fell in love AGAIN with kelly clarkson. I stumbled on her new album CD "Stronger" and at first it was "Breaking Your Own Heart", then it was "Stronger" and now it is "Dark Side" I just love.love.love... her.

I can't believe i am still awake, work is gonna be nuts tommorrow but what can you do. I just finished a paper on "Search and Seizure Practices" regarding vehicle search warrant exceptions (and yes it was as exciting as it sounds to write), but I am wired in a way that only writing about absolutely nothing of importance can cure. Oh and I have pics to post.

A few are new ones of the babies and the rest are from my trip to Florida withe Lindas. I will have to go into what a Linda is some other time :)I will say though that sometimes you have to fall apart in order to land right where you are supposed to be all along. If I hadnt made all those mistakes I wouldnt have made the decision to "go home". I wouldnt have fallen in love with my life all over again and appreciated my babies as much as I do.. appreciated my struggles and the fact that I did make it out on the other side stronger, wiser, braver...

and now here are the Linda's... Crazy that these girls have been in my life for almost 20 years. and yes, that Jellyfish is real :)

what i got to wake up and go to bed to...not too shabby huh?

This is vintage me. Everyone else is all dressed up in cute dresses suitable for the beach. me, camo long sleeve and uggs.... ugg!

they made me dress up that night

i was laying in bed when i took this, and it was that amazing every single time i opened my eyes.

Linda's

I went to sleep and we were 10 hours from home in Mississippi.. I woke up and we were 12 hours away and near New Orleans so... of course we went to Bourbon Street.. i had to be at work at 9am the next morning so we only got to stay for an hour best.sidetracking ever though..

told you...JellyFish.....real....

for YOU.....

I write for many reasons. To vent, to release, to come to terms or put it into perspective...Sometimes I try to put it out into the unviverse and hope it might bring about change (even when I don't know how to make it change that doesnt mean I dont want it to be different)

I don't always know why I write..but I know why I am doing it now. I have private thoughts that maybe one day I can send, and I have learned over these past couple of years to keep some of my heart to myself. Maybe one day soon I can share it with you....

Words are like swords. They come out jumbled and out of context. They come out in torrents sometimes and at other moments they don't come out at all.. Let's see if I can get these words out now in a way that is clear and honest...
There are certain days that stick with us. We don't mean for them to and often times we just wish we could forget...I chose this day to write because of what I know it means to you..

on this day, which I know is one of your favs, I choose to use my words to tell you that I thought of you today. I hope for happy times with family and peace. I choose to believe that one day......